A word of advice to any would-be bloggers out there, if you’re ever in need of something to write about, just Google “Florida man.” I guarantee it will yield interesting results. I cannot explain why Florida seems to provide those of us with an interest in bizarre news stories a seemingly inexhaustible supply of fodder, but it does. So without further ado, here is the latest “Florida Man” in all his glory.
DECEMBER 4–“At least I got some pussy before I went to jail.”
Those were the sage words spoken by Tommy Lee Hampton, 52, following his arrest yesterday upon being seen having sex in public on a Florida beach.
Simply irresistible!
A sheriff’s deputy on “routine beach patrol” in St. Petersburg spotted “a white male naked backside pointed to the sky.” The suspect, the cop added, had “a female’s legs spread around him.”
Considering Mr. Hampton’s picture, I’m pretty sure that I’m thankful that the deputies of St. Petersburg decided not to release the photo of the female that allowed him the space between her legs. Because If I was to make a guess, I imagine she’d look something like this:
Jiggling ball of blubber Randa Jarrar was in no way connected with this crime. But I bet whoever was Hampton’s partner looked like her and had a similar demeanor. As Hobson said in the movie ‘Arthur,’ “Usually one must go to a bowling alley to meet a woman of your stature.”
Upon further investigation, the deputy determined that the suspects, who smelled of booze at 3:30 PM, were “naked on the bottom half and having intercourse.”
Oh, dear lord. Upon further investigation? You mean they had to get that close to determine what was going on? God bless our LEOs because God know’s I wouldn’t want to be the one investigating that mess.
Hampton, who is known as “Tennessee Tom,” was identified as the owner of the “naked backside pointed to the sky.” A computer check revealed that Hampton was the subject of an order of protection barring him from any contact with the 45-year-old woman with whom he was having sex.
Seen above, Hampton was arrested for violating an injunction for protection against domestic violence. It was the third time Hampton was collared for ignoring an order barring him from contacting the same woman.
“I should just leave her alone, but I can’t,” Hampton said of the woman, whom he referred to as his “old lady.”
You should, but I’m sure you can’t get anything else, right? I mean, a balding elderly man who’s shiny scalp is covered with scabs, and who’s cheeks are full of pock marks doesn’t have many options. Then we can throw in those psychotic eyes and no, you’re probably going to have to keep violating that order in order to remain satisfied.
Hampton is being held in lieu of $5000 bond at the Pinellas County jail. A convicted felon, Hampton has done several state prison terms and his rap sheet includes convictions for theft; weapons possession; aggravated assault; and the possession and sale of cocaine, marijuana, and the painkiller Oxycodone.
So many problems with narcotics. My guess is that he wanted to forget all his heinous sex acts with what I can only imagine is a hideous beast. Have fun in jail, Florida Man. I’m sure there’s plenty more Floridian freaks in there who might find you attractive.
