New year, same WTF? Actually 2019 has brought an assload of ass-related WTF? but I think that might be because it’s the Year of the Ass or something. The democrats just took control of the House of Representatives so it’s going to be an assey year for sure.
Ass of the Week
Police find gun concealed in buttocks of Lafourche Parish man
Deputies at the Lafourche Parish Jail found a gun concealed in the buttocks of a man arrested after police found a “zip gun” and homemade silencers in his truck.
So he keeps the zip gun in his truck but the real gun in his ass? These safe storage laws are ridiculous.
The Other Ass of the Week
Man left with can of air freshener up bum when sex game goes VERY wrong
The randy gent, 40, was rushed to hospital in the Dominican Republic where he underwent a gruelling two-hour operation to remove the bulky can
The man’s wife claimed that she put the Glade product up her husband’s bum at his request during a wild night of passionate love-making.
How does a game in which a can of Glade is shoved up one’s ass go right?
Asses of the Week
‘Butt Crack Bandits’ spotted outside Cedar Rapids
It seems the so-called “Butt Crack Bandits” aren’t exclusive to Cedar Rapids.
Scott Rosekrans thinks he spotted the two thieves burglarizing his auto mechanic shop north of Robins on County Home Road, Christmas Eve. Rosekrans captured on security camera two men of similar dimension and trouser trouble as those that recently stole from a Cedar Rapids car wash.
Security video showed the larger of the two men repeatedly readjusting his pants as they slipped down, exposing his bare posterior.
I guess all of the cool gang names were taken.
Asshole of the Week
Unruly motel guest flings feces, urine-soaked towels at staff
There was a big mess at a Memphis motel Thursday night after a guest got gross and began flinging feces in the lobby.
This time, police said Wright was in the lobby flinging feces, urine-soaked towels and empty beer cans at fellow guests and staff.
“Don’t nobody want to clean up no other man’s feces. That’s just sickly and that’s probably why I’m sick now,” said a man who works as a janitor at the motel.
And that ladies and gentlemen is the quote of the week.
Canada Man of the Week?
Toronto man who allegedly wanted love advice from Trump held for mental assessment
A Toronto man accused of trying to enter the White House to drink Crown Royal with Donald Trump and get his advice on love has been ordered held pending a mental health assessment.
At least somebody is trying to work with the President. Where’s Pelosi and Schumer and why aren’t they getting a mental health assessment?
Florida Man of the Week
Florida man killed ex-girlfriend while trying to ‘get rid of the Devil,’ sheriff says
A 60-year-old Florida man was arrested early Saturday morning for shooting and killing his ex-girlfriend and injuring another woman, according to the Polk County Sheriff’s Office.
David Murdock was trying to get rid of the devil, Sheriff Grady Judd said.
“Murdock told us he had to ‘get rid of the Devil’ as an excuse for his actions,” Judd said. “Lots of people blame the Devil for their misdeeds, but it takes a person to pull a trigger.”
Florida Monkey of the Week
‘Killer’ herpes isn’t stopping these monkeys from mating and, yep, they’re in Florida
They have a herpes virus that can be fatal to humans. They are randy. And their population could double by 2022.
“They” are a group of about 200 feral monkeys — rhesus macaques, to be exact — in Silver Springs State Park in central Florida’s Marion County.
Florida monkeys with killer herpes overtakes Florida Man in the headlines, which is the Florida equivalent of The Rise of the Planet of the Apes.
Bruce Lee Movie of the Week
Cops say a would-be kidnapper chased a woman — into a karate studio. That was a bad move.
A man tries to kidnap a woman by forcing her into his car, in north Charlotte, North Carolina. She breaks free, and runs into a nearby karate studio pleading for help.
You can already see how this ends: with the suspect being carried out on a stretcher after a fight with a karate head instructor.
Jackie Chan Movie of the Week
A TV boss has been fired after accidentally letting a Jackie Chan sex scene slip through Iran’s tight censorship rules.
The regional boss of state broadcaster IRIB was dismissed after a scene showing the martial arts star having sex with a prostitute in one of his films was aired.
Jackie Chan did a sex scene? I bet it’s hilarious, plus he does all of his own stunts.
Crystal of the Week
A Virginia woman who was arrested after she allegedly threatened to blow up a 7-Eleven in April has pleaded no-contest.
Crystal Mostek, 33, entered the plea during a hearing on Wednesday…
At the time of the incident, Mostek allegedly walked into the convenience store in Virginia Beach and placed a device on the counter. She then reportedly told a store employee it was a bomb and threatened to blow up the store…The device was later determined not to be a bomb.
Occupation You Didn’t Know Existed of the Week
‘Pete the Groin Crusher’ has crushed 10,000 patients’ groins ‘without even a sweat’
Nobody ever warns the patients at Pennsylvania Hospital about Pete Schiavo, “The Groin Crusher.”
The first time most people meet Schiavo, they’ve just come out of a coronary procedure and he’s explaining that after the catheters are pulled out of their femoral artery, he’s going to apply pressure to their groin for 20 to 40 minutes to aid in clotting.
“I have a lot of names: ‘Petey Pressure,’ ‘The Groin Guy,’ ‘Crusher,’ and ‘Pain in the Ass Pete’ because some people say I push so hard they can feel it in their” derriere.
How many groins could a groin crusher crush if a groin crusher could crush groins?
Snack of the Week
Man arrested in North Salt Lake after biting chunk of man’s ear off during argument
A California man was arrested in Davis County Tuesday after police said he bit a large chunk of a man’s ear off during an argument about conspiracy theories while in a hot tub.
There’s nothing about that sentence I don’t like.
Spit-Take of the Week
Man took off clothes, spat on officers during gun-related response at Ashland Arby’s
Police say the first male passenger stepped out of the vehicle, and began taking off his clothes and pulling his pants down claiming he was unarmed.
The first male then stood up, and also pulled his pants up, before running around the building while officers chased him.
Police say the man spit on the officers several times, telling them to “Get AIDS”, before being handcuffed and taken to jail, where officials say he threatened the officers, saying he knew where they lived.
Get AIDS at Arby’s? No thanks, but the Beef N’ Cheddar is pretty good.
WTF? of the Week
Man charged with sexually assaulting 99-year-old woman in SF’s Chinatown
A man captured after a New Year’s Eve sex assault in San Francisco’s Chinatown had attacked a 99-year-old woman in her apartment at the Ping Yuen housing project, officials said Wednesday.
I can’t even begin to imagine what this sick mofo’s New Year’s resolution was.
Double WTF? of the Week
Woman in vegetative state gives birth at Hacienda Healthcare in Phoenix
Phoenix police are investigating possible sex abuse at a nursing facility after a female patient recently became pregnant and gave birth.
Sources tell Arizona’s Family that the alleged victim has been a patient at the Hacienda HealthCare facility…for at least a decade after a near-drowning incident left her in a vegetative state. That woman gave birth to a baby boy on Dec. 29.
Possible sex abuse? She’s been in a coma for ten years and gave birth to a baby, which takes about 9 months. The math says definite sex abuse.
