I was hoping that this week’s WTF? wasn’t going to still be under a government shutdown, but the democrats are still WTFing the country over their refusal to fund modest border security. President Trump just made the dems an offer they can’t or at least shouldn’t turn down but then again they’re a bunch of dicks. In the meantime, there was plenty of other dick-related WTF? going on this week:
Dick of the Week
You should see the bottom of this outfit.
Prick of the Week
Man’s attempt to treat back pain with semen injections goes horribly wrong
A nutty Irishman landed in the hospital after he took matters into his own hands to treat his back pain – by injecting himself with his own semen, according to a report.
After injecting himself monthly for a year and a half, the unidentified 33-year-old developed a subcutaneous abscess in his arm, as well as emphysema and edema – excess fluid – under his skin…
The man said he had been injecting his own semen, without medical advice, as an “innovative” method to treat his lower back pain.
Was there ever a chance that this guy injecting semen into his back was going to go horribly right?
Cock of the Week
Louisville man’s death at site of cockfighting ring found to be from hypothermia, official says
The autopsy for a 67-year-old man found dead last month on his Louisville-area property where a cockfighting ring was discovered, concluded he died of hypothermia, Cass County Attorney Colin Palm said.
What a twist. I thought for sure he was pecked to death. Speaking of which…
Pecker of the Week
Attacking Pair of Hawks Send More Than Dozen to Hospitals
A pair of hawks attacking people in the parking lot of a Brevard County hotel have sent more than a dozen people to hospitals.
- Hawks attack people in hotel parking lot, drawing blood in some instances
- 14 people sought treatment at hospital — some needed multiple stitches
“I just swooped down and attacked my head,” said Cyndi Mara, who last week was walking into her job at the Chick-Fil-A next door when she was attacked.
“(It) jarred me, and I looked up and saw a bird flying away,” she said.
A red-tailed hawk had clawed the top of her head as she walked from the Holiday Inn parking lot.
“Wow, that hurts, and I went inside, touched my head, washed my hands, and they were bloody,” Mara said.
Chick-fil-A? I bet these hawks are LGBT activists.
Wang of the Week
Oh great, now we need a license to be racist? I actually read this article and still have no idea what it’s about, but I’m 12-years-old and think Wangs are funny.
Asshole of the Week
This CIA toolkit is built for concealing in a spy’s butt
Maybe just carry a Leatherman tool on your belt.
Buttocks of the Week Round-up
Tennessee inmate claims he ‘doesn’t have anything’ as bag of Fentanyl hangs from buttocks
Deputies: Teen attempted to hide marijuana in buttocks
Sheriff: Male bicyclist grabs girl’s buttocks on Peninsula high school campus
Man shot in buttocks during apartment break-in in Englewood
Richard Gere Impersonation of the Week
WOMAN CAUGHT SMUGGLING TWO DOZEN GERBILS UNDER HER SKIRT
A Taiwanese woman was stopped at a customs checkpoint on the island of Kinmen after returning from a visit to China.
Coast Guard officials were conducting routine inspections when they noticed the woman walking awkwardly. They found that she had 24 gerbils strapped to her legs and covered by a skirt.
She claimed that she was smuggling them for friends and had purchased them at a pet store in China. Officials believe she was sent by a smuggling ring to test out inspection procedures at the port.
The good news is, they passed the test.
Michelle Obama Impersonation of the Week
The serpent was allegedly contained in a bag that was tied with a cord, according to a press release from German customs officers.
When searched, airport security found a 15.75 inch boa, which had been wrapped in a cloth bag and tied with a cord before being shoved down the man’s pants.
Yeah, but the former FLOTUS breezes right through the airport security checkpoint.
Florida Man of the Week
Florida Man Says ‘Jesus Told Me To” After Driving Ferrari Into Water
James Mucciaccio, 48, was removing items from his Ferrari while parked on a public dock Dec. 26 when an officer approached him, asking what he was doing. He told the officer that a friend of his told him to park on the dock so he could be picked up by boat.
When the officer told him he couldn’t park there, Mucciaccio apologized, and retreated to the vehicle to retrieve his driver’s license.
In dash cam video of the incident, Mucciaccio can be seen getting into his car, reversing briefly, until he puts the sports car into drive and hits the gas, sending the vehicle into the water.
When officers asked Mucciaccio why he decided to drive into the water, he said that Jesus told him he needed to drive through the small gate on the dock and into a “6-foot window.”
“Jesus made me the smartest man on earth and it’s so hard to have this much responsibility,” he told officers. “Money is going to be irrelevant in two days, remember to smile.”
It’s been more than two days since this happened and money is still relevant. It’s also possible this guy was mistaken about being the smartest man on Earth.
Florida Otter of the Week
Florida woman attacked by ‘aggressive’ otter says ‘severe bites’ left her temporarily unable to walk
The attack occurred on Jan. 8 when Ann-Christine Langselius was taking a stroll with her pup, a Goldendoodle named Zoe, at Lake Lily Park. Langselius told Fox News she was on a bridge when she saw the otter “running fast toward” her.
The animal attacked Langselius’ right leg before biting the Achilles tendon on her left leg. She claims the otter “hung on” while she ran off the bridge.
The attack comes after officials had previously warned locals about an “aggressive” otter in the area, according to the news station.
An otter with a mugshot? This couldn’t be any more Florida if it tried.
Gun Seizure of the Week
Man Arrested for Using Civil War Cannon in Neighbor Dispute
One Kiantone resident, Brian Malta, was so outraged by the conduct of one of his neighbors that he took out his replica Civil War cannon and fired it across his fence for eight days. The cannon was loaded with powder and wadding, so it was technically no more dangerous than a bird-scaring device. However, the discharge could be heard for miles around, so eventually Malta was arrested and charged.
While it is not illegal to own a cannon in New York State, deputies seized the weapon since it was being used maliciously.
It figures this happened in gun-controlled New York. When they outlaw cannons, only outlaws will have cannons.
WTF? of the Week:
Doctors are warning women to not take the ‘irresponsible’ advice of putting parsley in their vagina to kick-start their period.
The bizarre suggestion was made by women’s magazine Marie Claire alongside other recommendations using food, drink and exercise.
Women may want to make their period come sooner as a means of controlling their cycle ahead of a holiday or special event.
According to the article, parsley is an emmenagogue – a substance that increases menstrual flow – which can ‘soften the cervix and level out hormonal imbalances’.
But doctors have now urged women to never insert vegetables into the vagina, as it could lead to health risks – including potentially death.
And besides, you garnish a tuna taco with cilantro, not parsley.
