Well, the government is back open but the biggest WTF? this week is that President Trump signed a temporary deal that doesn’t include funding for a border wall. I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that he’s got a plan to declare a national emergency to get the wall built, but here’s a bunch of people who get no such benefit for their over-the-top WTFedness:
Headline of the Week
Boulder stabbing sparked by unsatisfactory pants exchange
A man has been arrested in a stabbing incident that police say was started by unsatisfactory pants.
Boulder police have arrested Jarred Womack, 37, in connection with the stabbing that occurred near Arapahoe Avenue and 28th Street, just before 10 a.m. Tuesday morning.
A statement released by the City of Boulder said police believe that Womack stabbed the adult male victim in the back after agreeing to exchange pants with the victim and then not liking the pants that he received.
Womack then went to the Eddie Bauer store on 29th Street, where he attempted to steal a pair of pants.
When is congress going to do something about all of the pants-related violence in this country?
Aroma of the Week
Family kicked off American Airlines flight after passengers complain about body odor
A family vacationing in Miami [said] they were booted from their flight after passengers complained about their body odor.
“There’s no body odor that we have,” Yossi Adler said Thursday morning at Miami International Airport. “There’s nothing wrong with us.”
Adler, his wife and their 19-month-old daughter were preparing to fly back home to Detroit on Wednesday night when they were escorted off their American Airlines flight.
“All of a sudden, as soon as they took us off, they closed the gate and then they said, ‘Sorry, sir, some people complained you had body odor and we’re not letting you back on,'” Adler recalled.
Just like how stupid people don’t know they are stupid, smelly people don’t know they smell.
Advice of the Week
Stop snuggling hedgehogs, CDC urges amid salmonella outbreak
First, the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said not to kiss or snuggle with your chickens; now, the agency is cautioning against PDA with pet hedgehogs.They may be cute — if prickly — but lab tests in an ongoing investigation show that pet hedgehogs are probably to blame for a multistate salmonella outbreak.
Cowboy of the Week
The investigation started when the Washington County Sheriff’s Office learned that a stable owner had a horse in her barn had been sexually assaulted.The woman’s daughter, a veterninarian, conducted an examination of the horse and “took samples of fluid found inside the animal.”
Kenneth Duyck was identified as a suspect in the case, and detectives found him at an area Walmart, sleeping inside of a stolen car.
Duyck agreed to a DNA sample, which was a match to the fluid found inside the horse.
Neigh mean neigh, bro.
Small Government of the Week
A new bill aims to ban dwarf-tossing contests at bars and strip clubs across Washington.Sponsored by Sen. Mike Padden, R-Spokane Valley, Senate Bill 5486 would ban such contests and promotions and any other “recreational activity involving exploitation that endangers the health, safety and welfare of any person with dwarfism.”
“There’s nothing funny about dwarf-tossing,” Padden said. “It ridicules and demeans people with dwarfism and causes others to think of them as objects of public amusement. Even when participants are willing, it exposes them to the possibility of lifetime spinal injury.”
Aw c’mon, it’s a little funny, right? Besides, when tossing dwarfs is outlawed, only outlaws will toss dwarfs.
Florida Woman of the Week
Florida woman danced naked outside Waffle House, licked employee’s face, deputies say
According to the Escambia County Sheriff’s Office, an employee told Freedom Ryder Zobrist, 38, of Pensacola, to leave the restaurant Monday because she had been causing trouble…Zobrist fled but returned later, saying she wanted to get a gun, then shoot the employee and everyone inside, the police report said.
The employee told deputies that Zobrist then took off her pants, danced naked in the restaurant parking lot and tried to grab his genitals…The employee said Zobrist also licked his face and poked his chest, according to the police report.
If she was hot, I bet the employee would have never called the cops.
Florida Woman of the Week Runner-Up
Florida woman shot after performing sex act for $5 and Pringles chips
The Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office told ActionNewsJax that around 10:23 p.m. Monday, a woman agreed to perform a sexual act with the shooting suspect in exchange for $5 and Pringles potato chips.
After the act, the suspect demanded his $5 back and shot her in the shoulder before fleeing the scene on foot, the Sheriff’s Office said.
I’m guessing this experience was not a big self-esteem builder for the woman if her sexual prowess is not worth $5 and a can of chips.
Butt of the Joke of the Week
Snake in toilet bites woman on the butt
An Australian woman who “felt something bite her bottom” while she was sitting on the toilet looked inside the bowl to see a coiled python.
Helen Richards of Chapel Hill, Queensland, said she was “mid-stream” on the toilet when she felt a sharp pain in her rear-end.
“When you’ve got your knickers and long pants around your ankles it’s hard to go anywhere,” she told 10 News.
That could also be the quote of the week.
Butts of the Week
Minnesota Senate panel votes to outlaw buttocks groping
A Minnesota Senate committee has approved a measure to criminalize groping someone’s buttocks.
The Senate Judiciary Committee approved a proposal Tuesday that would eliminate a more than 30-year-old exemption that allowed the behavior in the state’s sexual-misconduct laws.
Sen. Warren Limmer, a Republican from Maple Grove, is sponsoring the bill. It would make touching someone’s buttocks over their clothing, on purpose, fifth-degree criminal sexual misconduct.
Al Franken was unavailable for comment.
Dick of the Week
Man who pulled gun, kicked cop in groin, gets state prison
Authorities said Nieves fled the hotel, but the car he was in crashed on Freemansburg Avenue, where police encountered him. Told he was under arrest, he yelled he was going to kill the officers and kicked Officer Jeffrey Farneski in the groin during the several-minute struggle, police said.
Colin Kaepernick unavailable for comment.
Pussy of the Week
Woman had drugs concealed in genital cavity, large amount of cash in bra
A strip search was completed and two plastic bundles were located in Lasseter’s genitals, which she removed for the county jailers.
The substance, weighing about 2.81 and 3.85 grams each, field tested positive for methamphetamine. The total weight of the narcotic was 6.66 grams.
The officer also stated that 6.66 grams of methamphetamine was more than a typical user has in their possession, leading him to believe that Lasseter showed the intent to deliver the controlled substance.
But that’s the exact amount of meth Satan would have in his vagina.
Ax-Hole of the Week
Wis. man goes on ax rampage over action figures
Wisconsin police say a 34-year-old man who thought his wife damaged his action figures retaliated by taking an ax to the family’s car, television and laptop.
Madison Police Chief Mike Koval says the man called police just after 10 p.m. Sunday and told them he had too much to drink and overreacted about his action figures.
Bitch, don’t touch my stuff!
Trans Ax-Hole And WTF? of the Week
Transgender axe attacker split man’s face in HALF in rampage after bad Tinder date
Evie Amati stormed the garage armed with a fire axe and took a swing at bystander Ben Rimmer.
She has been jailed for four-and-a-half years – with her lawyer blaming the sex change operation.
Her legal team claimed the operation had left her in immense pain and fuelled her desire to kill strangers.
Amati left Ben with his face held together by four titanium plates that he will have for the rest of his life.
She was fuelled by drugs as she took the 2kg axe to the 7-Eleven in Enmore, Australia.
One hour earlier, she had posted on social media: “One day I am going to kill a lot of people.”
She was furious after she had a bad Tinder date with a woman in the hours previous.
Is it a normal thing in Australia for a she-male to walk around with an axe? I feel like everyone involved lacked situational awareness on this one. There’s video of this, but be warned it’s pretty gruesome.
