It doesn’t really matter what else happened this week because the Virginia Governor, Lt. Governor, and Attorney General WTFed more than a million Florida men ever could. I know it seems like kind of a let down, but here’s some lesser non-racist/non-rapist WTF?
Headline of the Week
Crash driver ‘swerved to avoid octopus’
A driver who swerved “to avoid an octopus” before crashing has been arrested on suspicion of drug-driving.
Police were called to the A381 between Malborough and South Milton in Devon, where they found a vehicle upside-down in a ditch on Tuesday evening.
The 49-year-old driver was checked over by paramedics before being arrested.
Officers, who tweeted about the incident, said they found no evidence of an octopus on the road.
Suspicion of drug-driving?
Balls of the Week
Boy, 12 , has surgery to remove 39 MAGNETIC BALLS from penis
A 12-year-old boy had to have surgery to remove 39 magnetic balls from his penis.
The youngster, from Wuhan in China’s Hubei province, reportedly inserted the string of balls out of “curiosity”.
…Dr Wang Jun, a urologist at the hospital, was shocked to find the 39 balls, also known as Buckyballs, stuck along the boy’s urinary tract.
That’s nuts!
Feminist of the Week
Florida woman poses for maternity photos with baby gator
What’s more Florida than a gator?
Well, it would certainly be difficult to top a maternity shoot of a to-be mom breastfeeding a baby gator.
“Last minute practice for baby. Alligators don’t like to bottlefeed, apparently…,” mom-to-be Lindsey Tuttle wrote…
Tuttle has gotten the internet’s attention with her maternity photo featuring a baby gator, shotgun, a case of Bud Light and a Florida flag. It only adds to the ‘Florida’ photo with the unzipped jean shorts and rubber boots.
“I wanted a picture different than your run of the mill maternity photos of women in the forest being goddesses,” Tuttle said. “Florida man” has always cracked up my husband and I (both native Floridians), so we decided to make me Florida woman.”
That’s more empowering than growing armpit hair or wearing a pink pussy hat, but she needs to do way more to be the real Florida Woman:
Florida Woman of the Week
Florida Woman Arrested For Beating Her Boyfriend With Frozen Pork Chop
A 48-year-old woman from Brooksville, Florida was arrested after she allegedly hit her boyfriend with a frozen pork chop . Police said that Jennifer Brassard got into a “verbal argument” with her boyfriend, which quickly escalated. During the fight, Brassard grabbed a frozen pork chop and hurled it at the unidentified man, striking him in the head. He suffered a half-inch cut above his eyebrow and fled from the home.
Authorities determined that Brassard was the primary aggressor in the fight, though they did not say what the two were arguing about.
I bet they were fighting over what’s for dinner. Or meth. Yeah, I’m going with meth. Speaking of which…
Snack of the Week
Man found in Smokies died of meth overdose before being eaten by bear
A man whose body was found in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park last year died of a meth overdose before being partially eaten by a bear, an autopsy found.
The body of William Lee Hill Jr., 30, of Louisville, Tenn., was discovered in a wooded area off Rich Mountain Road in Townsend on Sept. 11 — four days after he became separated from a friend while the pair were searching for ginseng in the park.
After searchers found an adult black bear scavenging the body, the animal stayed in the area and exhibited aggressive behavior for hours.
A bear jacked up on meth. How did this not happen in Florida?
Florida Man Roundup of the Week
Florida man reported missing believes he’s God, ‘wants to heal and kill people,’ deputies say
Florida man arrested for allegedly having sex with disabled woman at group home
Florida man accused of biting Seneca Niagara Casino security manager
Florida man tries to run over son who wouldn’t take bath, deputies say
Florida man kills in-laws after posing as their murdered daughter for a year, cops say
Florida man accused in plot to rape 3-year-old girl, deputies say
Kramer of the Week
‘Not ashamed’: Assman says his name shouldn’t be rejected for personalized licence plate
It’s his name, he’s proud of it, and he wants it on his Saskatchewan licence plate.
But Dave Assman of Melville, Sask., says SGI has rejected his request to allow him to use “Assman” on a personalized plate, calling it an “unacceptable slogan.”
And yet it perfectly acceptable to have a planet called “Uranus.” Speaking of which…
Asshole of the Week
Hubble reveals dynamic atmospheres of Uranus
During its routine yearly monitoring of the weather on our solar system’s outer planets, NASA’s Hubble Space Telescope has uncovered a new mysterious dark storm on Neptune and provided a fresh look at a long-lived storm circling around the north polar region on Uranus.
Yeah, they found a polar vortex on your anus. Global warming, my ass.
Historian of the Week
Attempted burglar with history of horse molestation arrested with taser, large sex toy
A teenager who was arrested for molesting a horse last year has been arrested for attempting to break into homes while carrying a stun gun, scissors, and a large sex toy.
Does this guy know how to party, or what?
Black Historian of the Week
Popeyes robber fails to open register, steals chicken instead
The man entered the Popeyes in the 8700 block of Chef Menteur Highway in New Orleans East just before noon Monday (Feb. 4) and attempted to steal money from the register. But the register wouldn’t budge so he grabbed some fried chicken and fled the business, according to initial police reports.
Way to dispel those negative stereotypes during Black History Month, bro.
Bullet-Sponge of the Week
Man in stable condition after shot five times in buttocks
A man is in stable condition after he was shot five times in the buttocks and thigh at an apartment complex in North Charleston.
Medical staff later reported locating five bullet entry points in the victim’s right buttock and thigh area, as well as a single graze wound to the victim’s right finger.
So presumably this guy flipped off the shooter and then mooned him. But hey, it could be worse…
Big Dick of the Week
UTICA TEEN, WHO ADMITTED TO SHOOTING MAN AND HIMSELF IN THE GROIN, SENTENCED
A Utica teen was sentenced Tuesday after he admitted to shooting a man, which ultimately led to him shooting himself accidently.
Zachary Garcia-Kenyon was handed 15 years in state prison with five years’ post-release supervision, an order of protection, and a waiver of appeal.
This after he allegedly shot a man in Utica last May and then accidentally shot himself in the groin after fleeing from the crime scene.
He didn’t have a holster to carry his gun and now he has a holster where his gun used to be. How ironic.
Little Dick of the Week
After discovering his penis is ‘about an inch and a quarter’ long,’ she wanted to know if she was justified in feeling like he had lied to her
Apparently that “good things come in small packages” saying is complete bullshit. But hey, things could be worse:
WTF? of the Week
Sex Clinic horrifies viewers as man admits he hasn’t cleaned his penis properly in 24 YEARS
E4 show The Sex Clinic has horrified viewers after a man admitted he hasn’t cleaned his manhood properly in 24 years.
…patient Zach entered the clinic complaining of a nasty smell coming from his penis – which is known as ‘Smegma’.
Dr Naomi advised Zach to concentrate on cleaning the foreskin and give it a good scrub with a soap substitute.
But Zach, who is 24 years old, told her: “I’ve never cleaned my foreskin before.”
Smegma is not to be confused with “Fromunda cheese.”
