It wasn’t much of a WTF? that Jussie Smolette’s hate crime turned out to be a lie, but the fact that he thought he could get away with such pathetic and sloppy hoax is a bit of a head scratcher. Here’s some other people who demonstrated questionable judgement this week:
Headline of the Week
Anchor Chris Burrous Died From ‘Meth Toxicity’ After Inserting Drug In His Anus
Los Angeles KTLA news anchor Chris Burrous died from a methamphetamine overdose and his shocking autopsy report…revealed he inserted the drug into his anus during sex in a hotel with a man he met on a dating app.
“Mr. Burrous was with a companion in a hotel. He was engaged in various sexual activities with his companion, then he inserted methamphetamine into his rectum,” the autopsy report said.
“Later on, in the encounter Mr. Burrous inserted a second rock of methamphetamine through his anus and put on a mask and dusted the filters with ‘poppers,’” the coroner’s report said, and continued: “His companion inserted his hand through his anus. Mr. Burrous began grunting then vomited and became unresponsive.”
That’s three things he had up his butt that didn’t belong. And speaking of three things inside something…
Dicks of the Week
Take a Look Inside: It’s Three Dicks in a Box
At the Monroe Moosnick Medical History Museum in Kentucky, there is a locked antique case filled with 200-year-old penises that are only shown to visitors in-the-know.
There, amidst the world’s largest buffalo hairball and a 19th-century stomach pump, they have not one, but three dicks in a box quietly tucked away in an unassuming antique case that is not on exhibit. They’re huge and hulking, at least a foot-long each, and are now, thanks to time, a nice, crumbly shade of brown. They look like huge turds.
Apparently that thing wore the box out. Getting back to Chris Burrous: And speaking of putting things where they don’t belong…
Worst Product of the Week
Sticking a hot probe up the nose to clear airways may stop snoring
Sticking a hot probe up the nose to clear blocked airways may end snoring for good in some people.
Now a U.S. firm has developed a hand-held probe, called Vivaer, that can destroy bulky nasal tissue in minutes.
That’s a hard pass from me, but it sounds like something Chris Burrous would have tried. And speaking of ass-related dating app mishaps…
Hookup of the Week
He used a dating app to meet a woman, but ended up shot in the buttocks
Sources told WTVR CBS 6 that the victim had been using a dating app and thought he was meeting a woman on Leavenworth Street.
However, he found someone that tried to rob him, sources said. The victim was shot in the buttocks and took off running, eventually turning on Ferndale and running about three blocks…
Okay, we’re done with Chris Burrous, let’s see if anyone in Florida did anything crazy this week:
Florida Man of the Week
Florida Man finds his way to Illinois, and two old toilets led to his arrest
Wherever Florida Man goes, something wacky follows.
According to the East St. Louis Police Department, Dave Toliver carried an old toilet to a Board of Education building in Illinois and threw it through the front glass of the building on Feb. 15.
When officers found him shortly after he had run off, they found the 36-year-old man “sitting on another old toilet” and arrested him. Toliver was charged by the St. Clair County State Attorney’s Office with one count of criminal damage to property…
Shit just got real, y’all.
Florida Man 2 of the Week
Florida man became ‘impatient’ on the way to buy porn. That landed him in jail, cops say
Anticipation got the better of a Homestead man heading to an adult book store in Key Largo Monday night, and now he’s in a Monroe County lockup.
Amado Enrique Gaure, 20, was booked into jail on charges of indecent exposure, marijuana possession and possession of drug paraphernalia.
Sheriff’s deputies say he admitted to masturbating while walking along a path near mile marker 102 toward the store Monday night…
He told deputies he was on his way to buy the video and began masterbating on the way because he was “impatient,”
Only two things come from Florida: alligators and masturbators. I don’t see no green on you, boy, so you must be a masturbator.
Florida Woman of the Week
Florida woman run over by her own car twice, lucky to be alive after off-duty deputy rushes to help
A psychology professor was run over by her own car, twice, last month after she believes she forgot to put her car in park at the top of her steep driveway in Seffner.
A psychology professor? I guess her car Freudian slipped into gear.
Florida Mayor of the Week
Port Richey mayor shot at deputies serving warrant for illegal medical practice
The mayor of Port Richey, Florida has been arrested after deputies say he fired shots at law enforcement officers who were trying to serve a search warrant at his home Thursday.
Pasco County Sheriff Chris Nocco compared the alleged crimes of the 68-year-old mayor, Dale Glen Massad, with those of shamed former D.C. mayor Marion Barry.
Nocco said there is a suspicion that Massad was under the influence of drugs at the time of the shooting and made comments to officers about not going back to jail.
Marion Barry was caught smoking crack with a hooker, which is amateur hour compared to Florida Mayor.
Carpetbagger of the Week
‘Thick-tongued’ woman moos at deputy
Joanne Carr, 73, of Massachusetts, was jailed on charges of DUI…
Deputies found Carr in a Pontiac crashed in the area of North Old Dixie Highway and County Line Road in southeast Martin County.
She couldn’t figure out how to unlock her doors or roll down the windows, deputies said.
Asked what happened, Carr said, “What do you think, pig?”
She smelled of booze, mumbled and was “thick tongued,” deputies said.
Deputies said they were going to perform a DUI investigation.
“The hell you are,” she is quoted as saying.
Carr declined to take field sobriety exercises.
“You’re not taking me anywhere but home you (expletive) pig, I mean cow. Moooooo,” she is quoted as saying.
Investigators determined Carr was impaired and took her to jail. On the way, Carr is quoted as calling a deputy a “pig, sow, cow, (derogatory term), (derogatory term), (derogatory term), (expletive) and (expletive),” the affidavit states.
She also spoke poorly about the deputy’s family and the State of Florida.
Go back to Taxachusetts, bitch!
Symbolic Racism of the Week
Man charged with assault using porcelain watermelon
A man was charged with assault after police say he hit a man with a porcelain watermelon topped with a chicken in December.
Brooks Michael Driver, 45, who is homeless and lives in Zebulon, hit the victim Dec. 20 with the object, according to an arrest report.
The assault cut the victim on the face and caused heavy bruising.
Where does a homeless guy get a porcelain watermelon? Also, is this a hate crime?
Symbolic Sexism of the Week
Wisconsin high school to stop awards for largest breasts and buttocks
A Wisconsin high school is ending cheerleading awards given annually to girls with the largest breasts or buttocks — dubbed “Big Booty” and “Big Boobie” — after the American Civil Liberties Union demanded action following repeated complaints from parents and a former coach to school and district officials.
Does the ACLU have to ruin everything?
Anthony Weiner of the Week
Utah man charged for leaving picture of erect penis on woman’s car in Walmart parking lot
A 60-year-old Utah man is charged with illegal pornography distribution after leaving a picture of an erect penis under the door handle of a woman’s car in the parking lot of a Layton Walmart.
An officer with the Layton Police Department says Timothy James Odell went shopping at the Neighborhood Walmart at 1356 E. Highway 193 in Layton on the morning of January 26.
Police say Odell then sat in his truck until the female victim parked her car next to his truck.
Odell then moved his truck to a different parking spot, got out, and placed two rolled up pieces of paper under the woman’s door handle.
Those papers had pictures of his erect penis with “hardware” around the genitals.
“Timothy admitted to parking in an area and watching the victim return to her vehicle and see the pictures of his erect penis,” a probable cause statement says. “Timothy admitted he did this for the thrill of it and to see the victim’s reaction.”
Is it a coincidence that this guy is 69 inches tall?
WTF? of the Week
Melbourne mum outraged by ‘willy’ on toy lion
Tanya Husnu said she was shocked when her four-year-old son ran up to her claiming the toy lion she had bought him at a Melbourne Kmart had a “willy”.
Confused, the 33-year-old mother looked at the toy and, sure enough, under the lion’s tail was an unmistakeable depiction of male genitalia.
Mrs Husnu said she wanted Kmart to stop selling the toy, which is aimed at children older than three.
She said parents should decide when to teach their children about genitalia.
It’s kind of small, isn’t it? Did you see the size of that box penis? I think we all know who the real king of the jungle is.
