Thanks to a little intervention of the part of Michelle Obama’s people, the Cook County State’s Attorney dropped all charges against hate crime hoaxer Jussie Smollett, which qualifies as the biggest WTF? of the week. It would be impossible to beat that but it doesn’t mean there wasn’t other WTF? going on with some entertainment value:
Headline of the Week
DUI driver with ‘fake urine’ not showered with praise
A man arrested after a traffic crash explained that fake urine found in his vehicle was for “role play” that he and his wife enjoy, according to an affidavit.
…deputies found a bag with “fake urine” in it. The bag smelled of marijuana.
Urine is the liquid and dissolved substances secreted by kidneys and stored in the bladder. Urine is discharged from the body via the urethra, typically into a toilet, commode or urinal.
Okay, we get what urine is but the what the hell is fake urine?
Florida Woman of the Week
Woman accused of shoplifting, masturbating in front of teen on way to jail
A Dunedin woman is behind bars after deputies say she attempted to steal from a beauty supply store and then while being transported to the Pinellas County jail masturbated in front of a teen.
Deputies say Tami Lynn Bonefield, 45, attempted to steal two items under $10 from a Silky Beauty Supply in Dunedin.
When Bonefield was confronted by an employee for attempting to steal the items Bonefield punched them in the head and body and then proceeded to kick another victim.
On the way to the jail, Bonefield was transported with a 16-year-old boy who she proceeded to masturbate in front of. The child was separated from her by a metal partition. Bonefield made multiple sexual comments as well as exposed her breasts and genitals to the boy.
What was she doing at the beauty supply store?
Florida Man Of The Week
Florida man believed he was ‘half-man, half-dog’
A forensic psychologist says a former college student believed he was “half-dog, half-man” when he fatally attacked a man and woman at their home and was found biting one of their faces.
Investigators say they found Austin Harrouff, now 22, biting John Stevens’ face while making growling noises on Aug. 15, 2016.
Resnick’s report says the fact that Harrouff persisted in biting Stevens “in the presence of police officers, in spite of threats of being shot, being tased and receiving multiple kicks to the head, suggests that Mr. Harrouff was actively psychotic.”
If men can shower with little girls because they identify as women, I don’t see why a dude can’t get out of murder and cannibalism because he identifies as a dog.
Cool New Phrases of the Week
Life Imitating Art of the Week
Angry at being booted from Bryan Adams concert, St. John’s woman stabs boyfriend in face
A woman who stabbed her boyfriend in the face after he caused them to be kicked out of a Bryan Adams concert at Mile One Centre last summer will return to court in May.
The 34-year-old woman was convicted in provincial court Tuesday on charges of assault, assault with a weapon and possession of a weapon dangerous to the public in connection with the attack last July, which happened at the couple’s downtown home after the concert.
She pushed him, she said, scratching him in the face in the process. She said the man then threw her to the floor. She then got up and punched him.
As the man went outside to have a cigarette, she took a pot of macaroni salad from the fridge and threw it at him, missing him and hitting the open door instead.
The woman said that after her boyfriend threw her to the floor a second time, she grabbed a small paring knife from the dish rack on her kitchen counter.
Who can forget Bryan Adam’s 1985 hit Cuts Like A Pot Of Macaroni Salad?
Tutor of the Week
A Bozeman woman accused of kicking her son numerous times in the stomach after the boy answered a math problem incorrectly has been charged with assault on a minor.
Bail was set at $5,000 for Latrice Dawn Tatsey, 32, who was arrested Wednesday and charged with the felony.
The report said Tatsey… kicked her son in his stomach 10 times…
The boy told an officer that his mom got mad at him when he answered a math question incorrectly. Asked if he was in pain, the boy lifted his shirt to show bruises he had on his abdomen.
The boy said Tatsey kicked him while he was sitting in a chair.
…she admitted to officers she kicked her son and said she punched him in the ribs after “losing her temper” last year. Tatsey said she has issues controlling her anger.
And her appetite.
It’s About Time of the Week
Kentucky governor signs bill outlawing sex between people and animals
Senate Bill 67 prohibits sexual contact between a person and an animal, defining sexual contact as “any act committed between a person and an animal for the purpose of sexual arousal, sexual gratification, abuse or financial gain.”
Perpetrators will be prohibited from owning animals, living in a household with animals and working or volunteering in a place where they have unsupervised access to animals for at least five years after completing their sentence.
If the violator is not the owner of the animal that was abused, the animal must be returned to its rightful owners.
Isn’t this kind of like California banning people from being full of shit? I have a feeling the people will revolt. Also, who gains financially from f*cking a goat?
Windbreaker of The Week
Australian man loses bullying-by-breaking wind court case
An Australian appeals court on Friday dismissed a bullying case brought by an engineer who accused his former supervisor of repeatedly breaking wind toward him.
The Victoria state Court of Appeal upheld a Supreme Court judge’s ruling that even if engineer David Hingst’s allegations were true, flatulence did not necessarily constitute bullying.
Australians may not have gun ownership rights but at least farting is protected free speech.
Fright of the Week
PETA Sues OHSU For Scaring Monkeys With Mr. Potato Head
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has filed a lawsuit to compel Oregon Health & Science University to release footage of experiments on monkeys at its Oregon National Primate Research Center.
PETA said it previously obtained footage from an OHSU experiment “in which young monkeys were deliberately frightened with a Mr. Potato Head toy.”
I don’t know why, but I was sure this was a story about Adam Schiff.
Lady Killer of the Week
A GRIEVING husband mourning the death of his 23-year-old wife was forced to show cops his penis after his father-in-law claimed it was so large it killed his daughter.
But on inspection it was found to be “standard size”.
Nedi Sito, 55, of the village of Maron Kidul in the Maron District of the Probolinggo Regency area of Indonesia’s East Java province, had called police following the sudden death of his daughter Jumantri.
The young woman was found dead in her bed, after suffering an apparent epileptic fit during the night.
But Mr Sito had heard rumours his son-in-law accidentally killed her during sex because he had a huge penis.
What are the chances a guy from Indonesia has a dong so big it can kill?
Juggernaught of the Week
I floated boobs down Amsterdam’s canals in celebration of women’s bodies
Together with my colleagues, we launched a flotilla of giant buoyant boobs on International Women’s Day in an act of both protest and celebration.
The stunt was very positively received on the whole.
Of course, we provoked a negative reaction in some, but Ms Saggy, Ms Tiny, Ms Weird, Ms Fake and Ms Hairy certainly got people of all ages talking.
Tit-Tanic?
Quotes of the Week
“He was naked because clothing impairs the aerodynamics of the body.”
“Nothing about the package warned it was a spring-loaded dick bomb.”
WT No F? of the Week
The share of Americans not having sex has reached a record high
The share of U.S. adults reporting no sex in the past year reached an all-time high in 2018, underscoring a three-decade trend line marked by an aging population and higher numbers of unattached people.
But among the 23 percent of adults — or nearly 1 in 4 — who spent the year in a celibate state, a much larger than expected number of them were twentysomething men, according to the latest data from the General Social Survey.
Does this mean I have to stop calling Millennials “little f*ckers?”
WTF? of the Week
Mum’s attempt to make giraffe Easter bonnet for son results in ‘Penis Hat’
“My husband tried to put him off the idea. Sticking Easter eggs in a nest on top of the hat would be FAR more sensible.”
“Two bonnets in the bin, lots of papier mache, super glue, gaffer tape and many other failed attempts later, my son and I came up with this…
“Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: ‘The Penis Bonnet’.”
Wait till that thing gets near one of those pink pussy hats.
