During the democratic candidate debates Julian Castro WTFed by saying men need free abortions and Joe Biden said “hold my WTFing beer” by announcing that the first thing he’d do after defeating Trump would be to defeat Trump. Here’s some other serious WTF? moments of the week:
Headline of the Week
Man Learns the Hard Way That Mixing Pufferfish and Cocaine Is a Very Bad Idea
A combination of cocaine and toxic pufferfish liver sent a Florida man to the emergency room, according to a new case report.
The liver from a pufferfish, also known as fugu, is considered a delicacy in Japan. But eating it is risky, as the fish’s liver contains a high concentration of a deadly poison known as tetrodotoxin (TTX), which causes paralysis if ingested.
Because there’s no antidote to TTX, doctors often place patients on ventilators to help them breathe until the body excretes the poison.
The 43-year-old man’s case was more complex than a typical fugu-eater’s, however. Over the past few days, he had ingested cocaine and eaten canned foods, which made his physicians wonder whether foodborne botulism was at play, too.
The man had high blood pressure (possibly from his cocaine use) and chronic kidney disease, the doctors noted. When he came to the ER, the man was not in good shape; he was throwing up, had weakness and difficulty speaking, and said that he had stomach pain, tearing chest pain and numb legs.
There is no easy way to learn this but like Rick James said, “Fugu is a hell of fish.”
Florida Man of the Week
Florida man robs Wendy’s after grilling himself a burger, deputies ask for help finding him
“A suspect coined as the modern day Hamburglar doesn’t appear to have any problem making himself right at home after breaking into local food establishments to make himself a burger,” the sheriff’s office wrote…
Deputies say the man used a brick to smash the door at a Wendy’s on Jensen Beach Boulevard, then grilled himself a burger once he was inside. They say the man ate then left the store with a safe.
The man also burglarized a restaurant in downtown Jensen Beach, deputies say. That restaurant was not named. He attempted to do it again at a full-service gas station but couldn’t get inside, according to the sheriff’s office.
The man is described as a heavy-set white male, around 6 feet tall with a distinctive tattoo on his upper left arm. He is believed to be in his 30s and has facial hair. He was wearing a tan baseball cap, black tank top, khaki shorts and flip flops when he broke into the Wendy’s.
Well that narrows it down to nearly every man in Florida.
Nantucket Man of the Week
‘Sex tablets’ blamed by man, 49, who exposed himself in County Limerick
Kadima Mbuye, aged 49, pleaded not guilty to two counts of exposing his genitals contrary to Criminal Law (Sexual Offences) Act 2017 in Mount Trenchard, Foynes. Mbuye explained his behaviour by saying that he had been given “sex tablets” surreptitiously.
Insp Sutton said it is alleged the defendant masturbated in full view of other people in Mount Trenchard on December 6 and December 20, 2017. The court heard it occurred once in a kitchen area while the other time was in the games room.
“I was cleaning the kitchen. I see him standing there. He took his penis out and said, ‘How is your people?’,” said the staff member.
“In my opinion he is sick. He always takes his penis out and says, ‘How’s your people?’,” she said.
If only there were some kind of aabba rhyming poem about a guy who takes out his dick in this particular Irish county.
Blowjob of the Week
Swinger who said his partner died from vigorous oral sex is jailed for murder
A man who killed his partner of 15 years and tried to claim it was an accident has been found guilty of murder.
Robert Simpson-Scott, 44, tried to claim that he had suffocated Sally Cavender, also 44, during ‘vigorous oral sex’.
Doctors found said that she suffered a fractured spine, multiple rib fractures, a brain injury that left her unable to breathe independently, and bruising across her body.
Simpson-Scott told emergency services that she had fallen unconscious and become uncooperative, saying ‘she’s dead, she’s gone, I’ve killed my wife.’
The Dick of Death.
Handjob of the Week
Joe Biden seeing Bernie’s hand gestures up close and personal is the best thing to come out of this debate pic.twitter.com/q3b9usCrrC
— Caleb Hull (@CalebJHull) June 28, 2019
See Joe, busy hands freak people out.
Rimjob of the Week
Michigan Cop Denied Qualified Immunity for Fingering Man’s Anus inside Jail Cell
It started off with a traffic stop that led to the arrest of Kevin Campbell for driving with a suspended license.
But once inside a jail cell, Allen Park police officer Daniel Mack informed Campbell that he would need to probe his anus with his fingers to search for drugs, informing him that “we’re getting down to the nitty gritty,” ordering him to drop his pants.
Campbell protested but Mack overruled him, saying he had every right to probe his anus and proceeded to do so.
“You’re in a holding facility. You’re in jail. You get naked in jail. Let’s go! Drop your drawers,” Mack said.
Mack, still standing behind Campbell, then pulled down Campbell’s pants and underwear again, bent down, and visually examined Campbell’s buttocks. Mack then stated, “You’ve got it f***ing tucked in your f***ing ass crack, that’s where you got it.”
Campbell did not have any drugs on him.
This was going to happen in jail one way or the other.
Buzzwords of the Week
I kind of prefer mindless masturbation.
Nut Shot of the Week
Police must pay R2m in damages for shooting man in penis
Millions for his manhood
A man who became impotent after a police officer shot him at close range in the penis during the violent arrest of his brother, has been awarded R2m in damages by the Port Elizabeth High Court.
And Luke Skywalker was awarded R2D2m after Darth Vader lightsabered him in the nads.
Butt Shot of the Week
Police: Man shot himself in buttocks at Johnstown hookah lounge
According to a criminal complaint, 36-year-old Jesse Moffit is facing charges after accidentally shooting himself Sunday around 3 a.m. in the lounge located on the 400 block of Main Street.
Police say it’s believed Moffit unintentionally fired a round into his buttocks with a gun he wasn’t allowed to have due to him being a convicted felon.
Police say a bystander took Moffit to the hospital in a personal car where he underwent surgery.
This story has to be bullshit. Liberals have assured us that gun control keeps guns out of the hands (and butts) of the bad guys.
Gut Shot of the Week
Baring man accidentally shot, recovering after reported bear encounter
Richard Hibbs spoke with KIRO 7 from his hospital bed at Harborview Medical Center in Seattle, where he’s been for the last several weeks, and said he was chased by the bear, not the other way around – and that the encounter almost took his life.
“Eight-hundred to 1,000-pound black bear just walking through the driveway,” said Hibbs.
He said he was bringing firewood inside later that day when he encountered the bear.
“I hear this twig break,” said Hibbs. “I turn and I saw the bear.”
Hibbs said he “bolted.”
“The weapon I was carrying fell to the ground and it went off,” said Hibbs, a veteran, who showed KIRO 7 pictures of the aftermath. “The worst pain imaginable.”
That’s not what the right to keep and bear arms means.
Douche of the Week
Lucy Hale Says She Is “So About” Vaginal Steaming (Even Though She Hasn’t Tried It Yet)
…Hale was asked if she has a stance on vaginal steaming, a treatment that proponents claim cleanses the uterus, cervix, and labia with herb-infused steam. And even though she says she hasn’t done it and doesn’t really understand it, she’s ready to make an appointment. “Oh, my god, I’m so about that. I want to try this,” said Hale, who already has a specific spa in mind. “They offer it at a place downtown, and I’m not really sure what the benefits are. It just sounds really relaxing. I’m going to grab a girlfriend and we’re going to go and get our vags steamed. Sounds great!”
Steamed clams? Pu-seafood?
Jolt of the Week
Alabama man electrocuted while trying to steal electricity
An Alabama man was electrocuted while attempting to steal power from a utility pole, authorities said.
Calhoun County Sheriff Matthew Wade identified the victim as Randall Stephens, 56.
Stephens’ death was discovered after his skull was found in a neighbor’s front yard on Friday. The rest of his body was found “badly decomposed” at the bottom of a power pole. A ladder was next to the pole along with a belt and jumper cables at the top.
Investigators determined that Stephens was attempting to illegally power his home by jumping the power lines.
On a positive note, he did manage to steal some electricity.
Karma of the Week
Florida man charged in flamingo’s death dies after getting hit by truck
A Florida man who was charged in the death of a flamingo at Busch Gardens died after being struck by a truck earlier this month..
Joseph Corrao, 48, was crossing a road near his home in Orlando on June 5, when a Ford F-150 pickup hit him. The driver of the vehicle, who came away from the incident unscathed, was not cited — although an investigation is in progress.
At the time of his death, Corrao was two months away from going on trial for the death of Pinky the flamingo. In August 2016, Corrao was visiting Busch Gardens with his mother and three children when he allegedly picked the bird up and slammed it on the ground. The impact nearly severed one of Pinky’s legs and ultimately forced the park to euthanize her.
It’s like a country song only entertaining.
Injustice of the Week
North Carolina man sues Hardee’s, claims civil rights issue involving hash browns
A North Carolina man has filed a federal lawsuit against Hardee’s after he said one of the chain’s restaurants deprived him of his civil rights by putting too few Hash Rounds on his plate…
Tommy Martin said he believes his skin color led to him being served less of the side dish than other people would get. Martin is black.
…Martin said the event violated the 14th Amendment and gave him cibophobia – a fear of food.
No Justice, No Feast!
WTF? of the Week
That feeling when you just introduced bold new proposals to #CancelStudentDebt and pass #CollegeForAll! cc: @RepJayapal pic.twitter.com/0K31z7QpVl
— Rep. Ilhan Omar (@Ilhan) June 24, 2019
And they say white people can’t dance.
