The major WTF? this week was that the crop of 2020 democratic candidates are so terrible that space cadet Marianne Williamson and surprisingly-hot Tulsi Gabbard won the debates. Here’s some other weird and hilarious crap that happened:
Headline of the Week
Man named ‘Murder’ with ‘murder’ tattooed on his neck pleads guilty to murder
A man known as Murder who has his nickname tattooed across the front of his neck has pleaded guilty to murder.
The killer, whose real name is Courtney Lawrence, pleaded guilty to killing Emmanuel Johnson during a court hearing Monday, over a fatal incident following their attempt at a home invasion robbery in May 2016.
That robbery, in Bradenton, Florida, saw Lawrence, 30, Johnson and a third accomplice shot at by the 38 year-old homeowner whose house they’d targeted in a pre-planned raid.
Johnson was left laying on the driveway of the house afterwards, and later died.
Lawrence admitted second-degree murder, attempted murder with a firearm and armed burglary for embroiling Johnson in the crime that ultimately ended up killing him.
Who could have seen this coming? If only there was some indication he was going to commit murder.
Master Baiter of the Week
Bait diaper leads to arrest of Prince George sex offender
A convicted sex offender was sentenced Wednesday to a further two years less a day in jail, plus three years’ probation, after he was caught in a police sting violating the terms of his long-term supervision order and showing signs of turning back to his old ways.
As part of the order, Ricky Bruce Gordon, 57, was prohibited from possessing diapers, dolls and children’s underwear. But earlier this year, RCMP received a report from the halfway house where he had been living that he may be violating that term.
Police followed up and spotted him going in and out of family washrooms without making any purchases at the businesses he was attending. Mounties then planted marked diapers at two of those locations and in mid-March he was caught with one of them and arrested. Police also found a handful of other prohibited items at the time, the court heard Wednesday.
Fishing in Canada sounds fun.
Master Tater of the Week
Woman charged with peeing on potatoes at Pa. Walmart has record: ‘She might need some help’
A woman accused of peeing on a bin of potatoes in the produce section of a Pa. Walmart has a record, media reports say.
…the suspect, identified as Grace Brown by West Mifflin, Pa., police, has faced alcohol-related charges in the past, including drunk driving as a minor.
…the Walmart surveillance video shows Brown walking over to the produce section, where she pulls down her pants and squats on a produce rack “where potatoes and other vegetables are offered for sale.” She then left the store.
The criminal complaint says a Walmart employee noticed a “puddle of liquid” on the floor and reported it to store security…
Customer Katie McGinley told KDKA: “She might need some help in some way.”
Meanwhile, all the tainted potatoes have been tossed, a Walmart manager has confirmed…
It’s a good thing she thought they wee pee-tatoes and not poo-tatoes.
Dick of the Week
‘Horse’ penis guard gets 25 years in prison for sexually abusing inmates
A former Brooklyn jail guard convicted of sexually abusing multiple female inmates was sentenced to 25 years behind bars Wednesday…
Four separate women testified they were forced to perform oral sex on Perez in 2016 while they were in custody at Brooklyn’s notorious Metropolitan Detention Center.
The 49-year-old was busted after the women all gave corroborating statements regarding Perez’s distinctive genitals — which he nicknamed “horse”— and federal agents procured a warrant that forced him to drop his pants.
“He wasn’t circumcised. It was big, and it was like a hook…It was humongous and it curved,” one of his victims testified during his two-week trial. Another described Perez’s penis as having a “really strong smell” that made her want to throw up.
Neigh means neigh, Sea Biscuit
Ice Dick of the Week
JEFFREY EPSTEIN WANTED TO HAVE HIS PENIS FROZEN AND “BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE IN THE FUTURE”
Well, it’s finally happened. We’ve finally gotten to the arc of the Jeffrey Epstein narrative in which we learn the accused sex trafficker reportedly spent years telling scientists about his dream to “seed” the human race with his DNA and, separately, to have his brain and penis cryogenically frozen and brought back to life at a future time and place.
And he was going to store it in Bill Clinton’s humidor.
Needle Dick of the Week
Boy inserts needle into penis to stay awake for homework
A schoolboy in China had to undergo emergency surgery after inserting a needle into his penis.
The boy reportedly told his mom that he poked it through his genitals to stay awake while doing homework.
The child, which reports say is 12 or 13 years old, was rushed to the Xi’an Children’s Hospital in central China after confessing the act to his mom, Global Times reported on Sunday, July 28.
The boy only owned up to it after his mother noticed that he was walking slowly and that he would not speed up even after she told him to. He claimed, “I kept falling asleep while doing homework, so I tried to wake myself up by putting a needle up my urethra.”
Or you could just drink a Red Bull. Either way.
Pussy Dick of the Week
My Cat’s Autoeroticism Is Making Me Uncomfortable
I have two cats, a boy and a girl, both of whom have been fixed. I’ve had them for eight years, and I love them to pieces.
Today, something happened that I thought couldn’t happen because they’re fixed. I looked over at my male cat, and his whole penis was out and he was licking it. It made me super uncomfortable, partly because I’ve never seen him do this before and partly because it was on my bed.
I feel stupid asking this, but is this normal grooming and I’ve just never seen it before?
If you could lick your penis, you’d do it too.
Pussy of the Week
Louisiana woman with meth in vagina denies owning the drug
A Galliano woman is facing theft charges after she allegedly took $5,000 from a man in West Monroe.
According to an arrest report for Ashley Rolland, 23, officers discussed the investigation with the suspect and victim at the West Monroe Police Department.
The victim said Rolland stayed with him for the past week, and while he was in the shower, she took approximately $5,000 off of his dresser and left the apartment.
Per the report, Rolland said she took the money and left.
During a search of Rolland, officers located $6,233 and found a clear plastic bag containing approximately one gram of meth in her vagina.
Rolland denied ownership of the methamphetamine.
Where’d that come from?
Ass of the Week
Man ‘squeezed buttocks of wife’s frozen body to prove to friend he’d killed her’
A man squeezed the buttocks of his dead wife’s frozen body in a twisted display to prove to a friend he’d killed her, say reports.
Edward Rogers Jr. stored Alyssa Marie Mejia’s body in his garage freezer for eight days before ringing relatives to confess to the crime.
Earlier he had shown the corpse to a friend, to whom he’d confessed, who didn’t believe he had killed his 24-year-old wife.
According to reports, the man, from Arlington, Texas, is said to have squeezed her buttocks during the display.
As he picked up the corpse, he is said to have grabbed the buttocks, and smirking claimed her body was “cold”.
Rogers had apparently told his friend that his Filipino wife had hit her head on the corner of a sharp object after he pushed her during an argument.
The 66-year-old is then said to have shot himself dead in what police are investigating as a murder-suicide.
Worst party ever.
Ass Crack of the Week
Cops: Monessen man tried to hide crack cocaine, M-80 ‘in his buttocks’
A Monessen man pulled over Tuesday near Smithton over equipment violations apparently tried to hide crack cocaine and a powerful firecracker from two state troopers approaching his car, according to court documents.
James Anthony Hayes’ plan didn’t work.
A small baggie with the suspected drugs and an M-80 were discovered “hidden in his buttocks” during a later search, Trooper Austin Weaver reported.
“Hayes admitted he concealed the M-80 in his buttocks, too, because he believed it to be illegal,” Weaver wrote in court documents…
I get the same ass-effect of coke and fireworks from Taco Bell Diablo sauce.
Knockers of the Week
Woman says mechanic offered to lower price if she lifted her shirt
FERGUSON, Mo. — She wanted an estimate from a body shop to fix her car, but she claims what she got was an offer involving her body.
A Ferguson woman said a mechanic sexually harassed her when she took her car to the Quick Stop Tire Shop on Chambers Road in Ferguson.
“They got a mechanic to come and get in the car with me so that he can ride it up and down the street to see what it was doing,” Kintrella Huntley said.
She said while she was in the car with that mechanic, he made an indecent proposal.
“He said ‘Look, if you pull up your shirt and show me your breasts, then I will go ahead and knock the price down,’” she said.
Kintrella immediately said no, and when they got back to the shop she left and called police, she said.
5 On Your Side paid the Quick Stop Auto Shop a visit. The owner wouldn’t talk to us on camera, but he said we showed up just minutes after the police left.
He denied his mechanic sexually harassed Kintrella because he said the mechanic doesn’t speak English.
It’s still the least horrible thing that ever happened in Ferguson, Missouri.
Chuck E. Cheese of the Week
FLORIDA MAN TRASHES KITCHEN, CHOKES WOMAN AFTER FINDING HIS DAUGHTER COOKING MAC AND CHEESE
A Florida man infuriated after he woke to find his daughter cooking macaroni and cheese allegedly began smashing plates in the kitchen before choking his girlfriend who was sat in a recliner.
According to the arrest report, Dale Lawrence Irwin, 37, then stabbed the front wheel of his girlfriend’s car as she attempted to escape his rampage.
Irwin’s victim was left “gasping for air” as he choked her. She also told officers had been making suicidal statements recently and had consumed alcohol that evening.
I wanted Tuna Helper, you stupid bitch!
Where Are They Now of the Week
Police looking for suspect in northeast-side bank robbery
Fort Wayne police are searching for a suspect after a bank on Fort Wayne’s northeast side was robbed Thursday afternoon.
Police were called around 4:30 p.m. to the 3Rivers Federal Credit Union at 5703 YMCA Park Drive East, at St. Joe Center and Maplecrest roads, on a report of a robbery.
Anyone with information is asked to call the Fort Wayne Police Department at (260) 427-1201 or Crime Stoppers at (260) 436-7867.
Al Franken be robbin’ the banken.
Close Encounter of the Week
Man opens fire in national park ‘because he thought he saw Bigfoot’
A gun-wielding camper has opened fire in an American national park – because he says he saw Bigfoot.
The man, who has not been named, offloaded several rounds at Mammoth Cave, in Kentucky, after telling other overnight visitors the half-man-half-ape had lunged at him.
Park rangers have since said they had found no evidence Bigfoot was there – but are investigating the fact a firearm was fired.
Madelyn Durand and Brad Ginn, who reported the incident, said the shooter had woken them at 11pm on Sunday by shining a flashlight in their tent.
“We got out and saw a man [and his son] who told us their campsite had been destroyed by someone or something,” said Ms Durand, 22. “We heard them coming back about 10 minutes later. We heard them yelling ‘I see it’.
“We saw the flash from his gun, and he shot maybe 20 yards from the side of our tent into the pitch-black darkness.”
Asked if she was scared, the Western Kentucky University student [said] “I was mostly just concerned about him shooting the gun in the middle of the night without him really seeing anything.”
The couple called 911 and decided to hike the five miles back to their car without staying the night, she added.
Clearly this was a Michelle Obama sighting.
STFU of the Week
Man Throws Drum Set At Neighbor, Punches Officer In The Face At Block Party
A police officer needed more than a dozen stitches to his face after authorities say he was punched by a man accused of being aggressive to his neighbors at a block party.
Pittsburgh Police say they had to use a Taser to bring 48-year-old Charles O’Leary into custody.
According to police, it all started around 6:30 p.m. Sunday when officers were called to Shady Avenue over a fight at a block party.
Investigators say O’Leary came out of his home as the party was going on and threw part of a drum set at one of his neighbors. The man suffered a large bruise on his leg as a result.
“Some of the (screaming) was inaudible because he was screaming so loud,” the neighbor told KDKA. “But a lot of swear words, a lot of screaming, just totally out of control. Obviously, he wanted us to turn it down. He didn’t ask nicely.”
When police arrived, they tried to handcuff O’Leary, but authorities say he became aggressive toward the officers.
When the police asked O’Leary for identification, he screamed, “Do you want to shoot me?”
Police say O’Leary punched the arresting officer in the face several times. The officer then used his Taser, and took O’Leary into custody.
I’m sure he’ll get plenty of peace and quiet in jail.
WTF? of the Week
The REAL reason for the Iraq war? Saddam Hussein ‘had stargate portal to alien world’
SADDAM’s weapons of mass destruction were one of the main reasons for George W. Bush’s invasion of Iraq in 2003.
But those weapons were never conclusively found – and the questionable underpinnings of the second Gulf War have blighted the reputations of both Bush and his UK counterpart, Tony Blair, ever since.
Why would two men who were so focused their political reputation and legacy launch such a dangerous operation on such an unreliable pretext?
One Australian scientist thinks he has the answer.
Dr Michael E. Salla believes that the ‘dodgy dossier’ that Bush and Blair used as a pretext for invading Iraq in 2003 was a cover for a wilder, even more unbelievable motive.
Salla claims that aliens that he identifies as being from the mysterious 10th Planet of the Solar System, Nibiru, had a long-runningrelationship with the people of the Iraq / Iran region.
In a paper entitled Exopolitical Perspective on the Premptive War Against Iraq he says that there is evidence for a long-term alien involvement in the area, dating back to the earliest days of the Sumerian civilization that once dominated the fertile lands along the banks of Euphrates.
Nevertheless, Salla is sure that these two groups of aliens, who he collectively calls the Annukai, periodically visit humanity, in a 3,600 year cycle that coincides with its nearest approaches to Earth.
It was on one of these missions, in 1991, he says, that an Annukai saucer was accidentally shot down by a US Air Force F-16 during the first Gulf War.
Its mission, he theorises, was to activate a ‘stargate’ hidden in Iraq, possibly beneath the “Dark Ziggurat” of Enzu, which once was the lair of notorious Sumerian sorcerer Gimil-ishbi.
“It’s kind of like an instantaneous space-time means of travel where people are instantaneously teleported from one area to another,” he explained.
If this stargate could have been switched on, Salla wrote, it would give to Saddam a conduit to Nibiru and to the advanced extraterrestrial weaponry wielded by the Annukai.
And it was the threat of this stargate, according to Salla, that led to the US and UK drafting the ‘dodgy dossier’ as a cover for an interplanetary war.
Good. Now maybe liberals will finally stop crying about Bush lying us into war.
