In a week where Jeffrey Epstein broke his neck in a 3 foot jump from the top bunk, Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib managed to out-WTF? him by getting themselves banned from Israel. Here’s some other WTF? the took a lot of work:
Headline of the Week
Members of a German crossbow sex cult suicide pact took knock-out drops before they were willingly killed in an attempt to be ‘reborn in a higher realm,’ investigators revealed today.
In May, German police were left baffled when three people were found dead from crossbow wounds in a sleepy Bavarian guesthouse and two days later two other cult members were found dead 400 miles north in Wittengen.
All five are understood to have believed they were ‘World Renewers and World Heritage Producers’ who thought they had been ‘reborn’ multiple times and that their deaths would transport them to a higher realm…
Detectives today believe Torsten Weiss, 53, and Kerstin Enders, 33, took drops of narcotics, similar to a date rape drug, before Farina Caspari, 30, shot them and then herself in Passau.
Caspari’s girlfriend Gertrud C, 35, and Carina U, 19, who were discovered two days after the trio, are thought to have poisoned themselves at Caspari’s apartment in Wittengen.
Do these Germans know how t party, or what?
Dick of the Week
‘Violently gross’ penis wedding cake shamed: ‘So trashy’
After the bride’s wedding gown and perhaps the venue, the cake is often the pièce de résistance of a couple’s big day.
Well, a pair of unnamed newlyweds have made a splash at their beachside nuptials when they opted for an unusual and x-rated cake design.
The eye-catching creation features a life-sized depiction of the bride’s hand – complete with engagement ring – grasping, well … a replica of her beloved’s erect penis. Yep.
But it wasn’t enough to stop fellow Reddit users from sharing their scathing opinion of the “trashy” pair’s taste in cake.
“It’s violently gross, idk what goes through these people’s heads. Probably not a lot,” one wrote.
“Trashy… but I still think it’s freaking hilarious,” said another.
“I feel bad for the person who had to take the order for that cake,” piped up one.
Another was confused as the colour of the fake phallus appeared to contrast with the groom’s deeply tanned skin, asking, “Why is the penis white???”
That’s nothing. You see how they decorated the tuna casserole.
Needle Dick of the Week
Teen Left Unable To Pee After Inserting Needle Up His Penis
The 14-year-old, from Tunis, Tunisia, admitted he had pushed the needle inside himself days earlier for sexual pleasure.
They said the boy told doctors he had pushed the 9cm needle into his urethra – the duct by which urine travels out of the body from the bladder – for ‘erotic stimulation’.
The needle had been pushed in so far that the doctors couldn’t see it, and an examination revealed it was 5cm along the duct. Medics had to put the schoolboy under general anaesthetic and use forceps to remove the needle.
…the doctors who treated the teenager at the La Rabta Hospital in Tunisia’s capital said cases like his are ‘very rare’ and revealed patients’ diagnoses are often delayed because of ‘shame and embarrassment’.
Is there something wrong with Internet porn?
Nut of the Week
Man, 34, has metal nut cut off his ‘strangulated’ penis after squeezing it on for sexual pleasure
The unnamed 34-year-old spent two days trying to dislodge the hex nut from his member before giving up and going to A&E.
He first went to hospital in April 2018 complaining of a swollen penis after sexual intercourse.
They wrote: “He had applied a metal hex nut over the root of his penis two days ago for sexual pleasure but was unable to remove it afterwards.
“There was increase in penile swelling and pain. He was able to void [urinate] without difficulty.”
The medics explained that the head of his penis and foreskin had an excessive build-up of fluid.
He also had a 4cm-long skin abrasion where his penis had been strangled by the thick metal nut and some of the surrounding skin was starting to rot.
Docs attempted twice to slide the nut off using a jelly substance and strong painkillers but failed.
When the man said he could no longer tolerate the pain they decided to carry out a procedure under general anaesthetic.
They punctured 30 holes in his swollen foreskin to drain some of the swelling to make it easier to come off, but it still wouldn’t come off.
Surgeons then packed gauze between the nut and the skin to protect his penis before using a Stryker disc cutter to cut it off.
This guy is literally f*cking nuts.
Vegetable of the Week
Bangkok woman hospitalised after she falls over and a cucumber ended up inside her
A 51 year old Thai woman was recently sent to hospital complaining of vaginal pain because she had a cucumber stuck in her ‘lady parts’.
She told hospital staff that she ‘fell’ on the cucumber. She says she fell down in her house and a cucumber just happened to be on the spot she fell and it “simply slipped inside her”.
“It was just an accident.”
…the hospital staff didn’t believe her story but helped rescue the cucumber and relieve the woman of her apparently unplanned discomfort.
It’s called Bangkok, not “Bangcucumber.”
Ass of the Week
Springtown Man Sentenced to 70 Years for Branding Girlfriend With Belt Buckle
A Parker County man was sentenced to 70 years in prison for branding his girlfriend on her buttocks with his belt buckle, prosecutors said.
David Shawn Minze, 39, of Springtown, was tried as a habitual offender. He had six previous felony convictions, according to court records.
During the trial, the victim testified that Minze assaulted her by choking her, smothering her with a pillow and cutting pieces of her clothing with a scissors, according to prosecutors.
He then picked up his belt buckle, with the letter “S,” heated it with a lighter and branded her on the upper buttocks. Minze goes by his middle name Shawn.
“The branding was his way to show her that he was the dominant person in this relationship and express his ownership of her, like you would with cattle,” said assistant district attorney Abby Placke.
I imagine his ass is going to get branded by some rustlers behind bars as well.
Asshole of the Week
Minnesota Supreme Court declares your rectum a safe space
Four years ago, Minneapolis police used an informant to buy crack from Guntallwon Brown. After seeing him make another sale, they swooped in for the bust.
An officer noticed Brown “shoving his hands down his pants,” then “grinding” into a chair, as if attempting to hide something. So police took him to North Memorial Hospital in Robbinsdale, suspecting this was a Ye Olde Hide the Crack Up Your Butt caper.
Police then got a second warrant, which expressly allowed doctors to “use any medical/physical means necessary” to retrieve said crack. Brown was given the options of removing it himself, getting an enema, undergoing a search mission while sedated, or being given a laxative while under sedation.
Yet he appeared unexcited about any of the options, and refused to speak.
So Brown was strapped and sedated, at which point Dr. Paul Nystrom retrieved the offending item. It turns out Brown’s buttocks was harboring a plastic bag of 2.9 grams of rock.
But four years after his arrest, it turns out that he’s among Minnesota’s great defenders of constitutional rights. The Supreme Court ruled this week that police did indeed violate the Fourth Amendment by entering his butt without his consent.
Wrote the court: “If a coerced invasion of one’s cavity — an area inherently personal and private — while sedated and in front of strangers is not a serious and substantial intrusion of an individual’s dignitary interest in personal privacy and bodily integrity, we cannot fathom what is.”
Thanks to the ruling, when fragile snowflakes need a safe space they can just shove their heads up their own asses.
Employer of the Week
Sex toy company Lelo gives its staff annual leave to masturbate
…one UK company has decided to commit to normalising masturbation in… well, quite a creative way, offering staff days off to masturbate.
Sex toy company LELO, the maker behind the game-changing LELO Sona Cruise, is offering staff in its UK office four days of annual leave (on top of their usual allowance) just to stay at home and masturbate.
Dubbed “self love days”, LELO staffers are told to devote their extra time off to fulfilling themselves sexually and having as many orgasms as possible.
LELO says that giving staff these, erm, special days off will mean they return to the office with a “spring in their step”.
Maybe take a vacation from masturbating and get laid.
Gecko of the Week
‘Dragon lady’ spends £61,000 on body modification to become a genderless reptile
Tiamat Legion Medusa has spent at least £61,000 on cosmetic surgery and body modification.
But we’re not talking about your average obsession with boob jobs or tummy tucks. Tiamat has spent her money on castration, ear removal and tongue splitting, all to become a genderless reptile.
There are still many procedures to go, as Tiamat plans to have a penis removal along with further tattoos.
They hope to show a positive representation of people who have undergone body modification surgery.
‘People think that modified people, especially those who go to great extremes to look like something in a sci-fi film, are losers and dumb as dirt,’ says Tiamat.
Where would anyone get an idea like that from?
Crapper of the Week
Anti-sex toilets plan for UK seaside town
The seaside town of Porthcawl is planning to install anti-sex public toilets that would spray occupants with water and sound an alarm.
Violent movement sensors will automatically open the doors and sound high pitched alarms, with fine water jets soaking the interior of the units.
Weight sensitive floors would ensure that only one user could be in a cubicle at a time, to safeguard against “inappropriate sexual activity and vandalism”.
What if you have a belly full of haggis and get violent diarrhea?
WTF? of the Week
Homeless man kicks dog 15 feet in air, collapsing dog’s lung, displacing heart, police say
A woman and her small dog, Sophie, were at Hueneme Beach on Friday when Dylan McTaggert, 25, suddenly approached the pair from behind “and, without provocation, kicked the dog approximately 15 feet into the air,”…
Sophie was found in shock and unconscious. Investigators said the dog “was kicked with so much force, she was diagnosed with having a collapsed lung and displaced heart.”
After the brutal booting, officials say McTaggert fled as lifeguards tried to intervene and police officers headed to the beach,
Authorities said McTaggert, who lives on Ormond Beach in one of California’s numerous illegal homeless encampments, has been reported “numerous times” for disturbing beachgoers. At the time of the incident, he was on probation for “assaulting officers and shoplifting,” officials said.
Police caught up with McTaggert soon after the attack and he was booked on suspicion of fighting in public, assaulting a lifeguard and felony animal cruelty in lieu of $25,000 bail.
You wouldn’t think a guy with googly eyes like that would have the depth perception necessary to land a successful kick.
