House Judiciary chairman Jerry Nadler will be very interested in this story as he prepares his case for impeaching President Trump. According to Newsweek, Trump once stole 2 pancakes from his 2nd cousin. There may be no Russian collusion or obstruction of justice, but no one can deny that pancake theft is a clear violation of the Constitutional separation of powers and an attack on our democracy. We went straight from “Sharpiegate” to “Pancakegate.”
Remember when Newsweek was sold for a single dollar? This is probably why. Here’s a real headline they thought qualified as news:
DONALD TRUMP STOLE PANCAKES AND FORGOT A RELATIVE WAS DEAD WHILE VISITING FAMILY, COUSIN CLAIMS
A relative of President Donald Trump has accused the self-proclaimed billionaire of being a pancake thief, having stolen a handful of flat cakes while on vacation at his late mother’s former home in Scotland.
A distant cousin of the president, Alice Mackay—related to Trump through his mother’s family, the McLeods—said the commander-in-chief is an unpleasant man who has never used any of his wealth to help his mother’s local community.
I can only imagine the editorial meeting in which this story was approved.
The story is about a 2nd cousin of Trump’s on his mom’s side. Apparently one time Donald visited his mother’s childhood home in Scotland:
The 79-year-old spoke in glowing terms about Trump’s late mother—Mary Anne MacLeod, who died in 2000—and his older sister—Maryanne Trump Barry, 82—saying they were both generous people who made many contributions to the Isle of Lewis, an island located in Scotland’s far northern Outer Hebrides archipelago.
Mackay [said] “I don’t like the man at all, he’s so unlike his mother and father.” She recalled that Mary Anne and Fred Trump were “lovely parents, I don’t know what went wrong with him. My mum and dad were second cousins. Every time they were over here they came to ours for dinner.”
Oh, I stand corrected. This isn’t Trump’s 2nd cousin, it’s like his 3rd cousin 8-times removed by marriage. In any case, here’s the scandal that Newsweek hopes will topple the Trump presidency:
Mackay recalled one morning when the future president committed two social faux pas in quick succession. “He was here one morning I was busy making pancakes and he had forgotten my husband had died,” she said. “He put a few pancakes in [his] pocket and never said ‘cheerio’ or anything.”
In the interest of fairness, let’s look at the available information: Trump’s family was staying with Mackay and she was cooking breakfast for everyone, including Donald. He then took a few pancakes that were intended for him and his family. See, that’s not theft, it’s a thing everyone on the planet calls “breakfast.”
Also, knowing what we know about President Trump, what are the chances he put pancakes in his pocket to be consumed at a later time? He’s a bit of a neat-freak and germaphobe. There is no way this story happened like Groundskeeper Willy’s mom says it did.
For some reason I find this to be the funniest part of the Newsweek story:
The White House did not immediately respond to Newsweek’s request for comment regarding the allegation of theft.
Really? Newsweek actually contacted the White House to see if they had a comment on an allegation that President Trump once stole some pancakes from a relative? I can only imagine how much laughter Newsweek was met with upon making this request.
Still, this accusation against Trump is a lot more solid than the things the democrats are trying to impeach him over. If I were a betting man, I’d put it all on Fat Jerry subpoenaing Mrs. Butterworth to testify before his committee. Even better, get Aunt Jemima because she can accuse Trump of racism too.
