The biggest non-WTF? this week was that Shifty Adam Schiff orchestrated the entire whistleblower complaint driving the democrats’ fraudulent efforts to impeach President Trump. Here’s some stuff that’s actually surprising:
Headline of the Week
Hungover bloke wakes up without a penis after horrific cannibal attack
Followed by the quote of the Week:
The man only realised his penis was missing when he went to the toilet.
A man woke up with a massive hangover – and no penis.
The horrified drinker found his genitals had been torn off while he slept in a horrific cannibal attack.
The 51-year-old victim, named locally as Moses Wanyoike, was found by shocked neighbours after his screams woke them up.
Moses is said to have told them he had “no idea” how he lost his genitals and only noticed when he got up to go to the toilet after a night on the beers.
Nixon Warui, a local resident, told Kenya’s Daily Nation: “I was among the people who search for the missing part of his genitalia.
Moses reportedly spent six hours drinking with friends before heading to one of their homes at around 2am.
“Throughout the journey, he kept on telling me that he would circumcise me,” he told K24 Digital. “I treated it as a bad joke, I just thought he was drunk.”
One man, named by local media as Gerald Mbugua, was later arrested by police in connection with the incident.
Senior officer Dorothy Gaitenga said: “One suspect is in custody and is helping us connect the dots in order to establish what happened.
Or disconnect the dots. Either way.
Deuce of the Week
Body of woman found in Florida portable toilet that caught fire, exploded
A body of a woman was discovered inside a portable toilet that caught fire and exploded early Saturday at a construction site in north Florida, according to officials.
The St. Johns County Sheriff’s Office said…that authorities responded to the home on North Horseshoe Road in St. Augustine on a report of a porta-potty fire, and discovered human remains inside.
“I just was sitting, watching TV and heard a loud explosion,” one neighbor [said].
Another neighbor said that investigators had to put on hazmat suits as they sifted through dirt and other areas of the construction site for several hours.
“The portalet blew up so I mean there’s nothing left, at all,” neighbor Jan Long [said].
St. Johns County Sheriff’s Office spokesman Chuck Mulligan [said] the victim was too badly burned for immediate identification, and an autopsy is scheduled for Monday at the Medical Examiner’s Office.
Mulligan told the newspaper detectives are exploring several scenarios, including that it could have been a medical issue, drug-related, suicide, or “something more nefarious.”
“In my 32 years in law enforcement, I’ve never seen one of these before,” Mulligan [said].
And that medical condition is known as explosive diarrhea. Talk about blasting a dookie.
Huff of the Week
Scots scientists awarded £250,000 funding to breed sheep who fart less
SCIENTISTS reckon they can help save the planet — by breeding sheep who fart less.
The Grass to Gas initiative will see farmers and boffins try to work out how much methane the woolly windbags produce.
They will then attempt to create more of the animals who have the least impact on the environment in order to slash greenhouse gases.
Sheep geneticist Nicola Lambe, of Scotland’s Rural College, said: “The project aims to measure feed efficiency and methane emissions from both individual animals and sheep systems.
“This will provide the industry with the means to breed, feed and manage sheep with reduced environmental impact as part of genetic improvement initiatives.”
Maybe the will stop AOC from eating babies.
Puff of the Week
Intoxicated Mt. Sterling man arrested after trying to smoke gravel
A Mt. Sterling man is behind bars after authorities say he was staggering along a highway while trying to smoke gravel.
The Clay County Sheriff’s Office announced 52-year-old Kenelm Davidson was arrested Wednesday after deputies received a complaint of a man being intoxicated on U.S. 421.
Deputies say they saw Davidson staggering in a parking lot when they arrived, and he was trying to smoke gravel.
Davidson was charged with public intoxication of a controlled substance.
It’s still safer than vaping.
Baby Shark of the Week
Police Seek Man Wearing Shark Onesie Who Shoved McDonald’s Worker
Southlake police are asking for help identifying a man dressed in a shark onesie who shoved a McDonald’s worker.
It happened on Saturday September 28 at the McDonald’s on 225 North Kimball.
The suspect walked in with five other people.
Police said from the time he entered the restaurant, the suspect was acting strange and pacing around. The man went to the register and said he should be able to get free food because he lost his wallet. When workers wouldn’t give him free food, the man stormed outside and paced some more.
The staff told police they felt that he might be a threat so they locked the door, while the rest of his friends finished their food. The suspect began banging on the door, demanding that one of the girls in his group let him in.
The manager explained that if they let him in, they would need to leave. All four gathered their belongings and headed outside. But as the suspect’s friends prepared to get in their car, the man went to the north door and began banging on it.
Workers opened the door, police said, to make sure everything was ok and the man began accusing them of stealing his wallet. He even tried forcing his way inside, according to police.
But the manager blocked his path and the suspect violently shoved her. Another worker showed up to help close and lock the doors.
We’re going to need a bigger McDonald’s.
Baby Dick of the Week
Man forced woman to watch him masturbate, tried on baby clothes during home invasion
A Pensacola man is accused of invading a woman’s Escambia County home, holding her hostage with a knife and forcing her to watch him masturbate on the couch before stealing thousands of dollars worth of valuables.
Christopher Strickland, 36, was arrested Wednesday and charged with aggravated assault, battery, an unnatural and lascivious sex offense, larceny and home invasion with a weapon, all stemming from an incident in June, according to the Escambia County Sheriff’s Office.
Strickland allegedly entered a woman’s home around 6 a.m. June 2 while wearing women’s clothing and held a pillow over the woman’s face, causing her to struggle and try to escape.
He then allegedly held a knife to her throat and said, “If you try to get away again, I will kill your baby,” his arrest report states.
The victim, who stated in the report that she did not know how the suspect got into her home, told authorities that Strickland retrieved a bra and underwear from her dresser drawer and put them on.
At some point during the incident, which the victim says took place between 6 and 9 a.m., the victim also observed Strickland trying on clothes that belonged to her infant child, the report stated.
Strickland dragged the woman into the living room and forced her to watch porn on his cellphone while he masturbated on the couch in front of her, according to the report. The victim reportedly tried to call the police, but the suspect grabbed her, scratched her and forced her to remain on the couch.
Strickland left around 9 a.m. and allegedly said to the victim, “Do not call the police, because if you do, I will come back and kill you, because I am always around this area.”
He’s going to be somebody’s baby in prison.
Pubes of the Week
This woman’s intricate braided hairstyle looks X-rated
A tweeted image of an intricate braided hairstyle has gone viral after being posted by a Brit blogger who might just have a dirty mind.
“You can only see it once,” Roberta Arocha posted Monday, along with two photos of a woman’s pink ombré braids. Her post has since racked up nearly 11,000 retweets and more than 30,000 likes.
The intricate styling appears to be intended to look like a heart — but instead looks quite “veiny” and phallic, according to the sophomoric Twitterverse.
“I must be tired because I thought this was the throbbiest of penises,” tweeted plus-size style blogger Stephanie Yeboah.
I’ve seen thobbier.
Bon Jovi of the Week
A birthday surprise went horribly wrong after a man in Florida accidentally killed his son-in-law, who showed up unannounced at his house in Gulf Breeze, a suburb of Pensacola, Fla.
Christoper Bergan, 37, flew in from Norway to surprise his father-in-law Richard Dennis, 61, for his birthday…
After arriving at an unnamed Florida airport around 11 p.m. on Tuesday, Bergan, who’s married to Dennis’ daughter, headed straight to Dennis’ house for his planned surprise.
Around 11:30, he arrived at the house, and knocked on the back door. When Dennis opened the door, his son-in-law jumped out of the bushes, making a “growling sound” to wish him happy birthday, according to police reports.
Dennis got startled, grabbed his gun and shot Bergan.
He only fired one round, which went straight to the heart, “striking Mr. Bergan, killing him instantly,” Johnson said.
No charges have been warranted according to the sheriff, who called the incident “totally accidental.”
Shot through the heart, And you’re to blame, Daddy, you give surprise birthday parties a bad name. Bad name.
Butterface of the Week
Fair Grove woman charged with attempted rape, sodomy of a child
A Fair Grove woman is facing charges of first degree statutory rape, attempted sodomy, and enticement of a child after allegations she sexually assaulted a 13 year old boy at a home in Springfield.
A probable cause statement says on April 10 Cynthia D. Heisler, 44, stole alcohol from a store and then supplied it to two minors. A witness says Heisler goaded the boy into drinking.
The boy told police he began to feel sick and went to the bathroom, where he says Heisler followed him and attempted to choke and rape him.
The probable cause statement says the assault ended when someone opened the bathroom door and found Heisler on top of the child.
Heisler, who was interviewed about the incident in August, denied the allegations, saying the contact was consensual.
Nice try Illinois Woman, but Utah Man got you beat by a mile:
Butterfingers of the Week
Utah man accused of sodomizing 11-year-old girl while giving her tattoo
SALT LAKE CITY – A 24-year-old man was arrested Sunday after police said an 11-year-old girl told them the man sodomized her while giving her a tattoo…
KUTV reported a concerned grandmother contacted police after her granddaughter said another girl had been assaulted by Michael Easley.
Police said the victim initially denied anything happened. Her friend said they were at Easley’s home and that the man had been giving the victim a tattoo. The victim eventually told police she had gone to his house for marijuana and cigarettes, according to the probable cause statement.
Easley is facing charges of sodomy on a child, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and unlawful tattooing of a minor, police said.
They grow up so fast, don’t they?
Mugshot of the Week
Police: ‘Chronic masturbator’ caught after numerous complaints
Police in Tulsa, Oklahoma said they’ve arrested an older man after numerous reports that he exposed himself in the middle of an area-park.
Officers had been notified that the man, identified as Stephen Olsen, was seen pulling his pants down and touching himself in a sexual manner. Police worked to develop suspect information and were able to arrest Olsen on Tuesday.
Police announced the arrest in a news release with the subject line: “Chronic Masturbator Caught.”
Olsen was booked into jail on two counts of indecent exposure.
And he was still doing it when they took that picture.
WTF? of the Week
Teen arrested for threatening to ‘shoot up’ the AMC movie theater in Wilmington
A 16-year-old male has been arrested following a social media post in which he threatened to “shoot up” the AMC movie theater located near Market Street and Kerr Avenue.
Nikolai James Dixon Jr. of Murrayville in northern New Hanover County was arrested by New Hanover County Sheriff’s deputies after allegedly making the threat on an Instagram post.
“I’m going to shoot up [sic] AMC theater in Wilmington North Carolina behind Sonic at 7:50 on October 8th,” the post, provided by NHCSO, reads. “My name is Nikolai Dixon, I go to E.A. Laney High School.”
“Thanks to local citizens and the media who notified us of his online social media post we were able to locate and identify Dixon,” according to a release from NHCSO. “At no point did Dixon have the means to carry out any threat. He has been charged with Cyberstalking and is in the New Hanover County Detention Facility.”
The arrest warrant stated there was probable cause to believe that Dixon unlawfully and willfully made an electronic communication to the Instagram profile “cheeseclazone” in which he made a false statement “with the intent to terrify.”
It appears the Instagram post has since been removed. The image of the suspect was provided by NHCSO for release by the media.
The picture is clearly the real threat here.
