This week’s biggest WTF? saw the democrats try to impeach President Trump with witnesses who have no evidence of an impeachable offense. Here’s some other stuff that is equally as puzzling:
Headline of the Week
Priests put chilli powder in children’s genitals ‘to rid them of the devil’
Parents of autistic children are paying religious pastors to exorcise their children under the belief their disability is a sign of the devil, a child safety expert has warned.
Debbie Ariyo, the CEO of UK based charity AFRUCA, said disabled children are vulnerable to horrific forms of witchcraft abuse in certain communities in the UK.
She said common forms of torment include being starved or having chilli powder put in the eyes or genitals to rid the body of the perceived spirit.
She spoke to Metro.co.uk in light of new figures which show witchcraft and black magic are increasing factors in the abuse of children in the UK.
Describing abuse children accused of witchcraft commonly go through she said: ‘Disabilities, bed wetting, bad behavior – anything that makes a child different is seen as a risk factor.
‘Parents are not educated on the issue so if a child is not seen as normal, they attribute it to witchcraft. Parents will take them to a church or mosque and ask the leader to do something in the name of sorcery.
‘This used to lead to physical abuse. Now we are more commonly seeing children being fasted. They will have no food or drink for days to make the body uncomfortable. Chilli powder will be put in the eyes or private parts.
Doesn’t the devil like it hot? Maybe try an ice cube.
Oral Arguments of the Week
Miami Beach woman bit boyfriend’s penis ‘out of frustration’ during argument
A Miami Beach woman has been arrested after she was accused of biting her boyfriend’s penis during a domestic dispute.
…police arrested 33-year-old Esperanza Gomez. early Wednesday morning.
Police said Gomez was drinking with her boyfriend when a female friend joined them.
The friend left a short time later, but Gomez allegedly got angry and accused her boyfriend of wanting to sleep with the woman.
Police said Gomez shouted at the man, grabbed him by the arms and “began to poke him with a knife.”
Gomez is then accused of biting the man on his penis “out of frustration.”
Gomez was arrested and charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.
…the man denied treatment from fire rescue.
Getting bit on the dong is also pretty frustrating.
Dick of the Week
A British man almost died after a parasite crawled into his manhood and laid eggs in his vital organs during a ‘dream holiday’ to Africa.
James Michael, from Kensington, London, said he was left ‘debilitated’ and unable to sleep from the pain of the bugs attacking his body.
The 32-year-old was on a canoeing trip ‘of a lifetime’ with friends to South East Africa, travelling from Zambia to Zimbabwe.
They made a five-day stopover in Malawi, where they swam on Lake Malawi, before flying back to the UK.
But unbeknownst to James, a parasitic flatworms called schistosomes had crawled inside his penis and laid eggs in his vital organs.
‘When I look back at photos from my time in Africa, it’s weird to think that’s where the parasite crawled up my penis,’ James [said].
Over a year after his trip in August 2017, James noticed a loss of feeling in his legs, and struggled to complete tasks like walking up stairs.
Doctors from the Hospital for Tropical Diseases eventually told James he had contracted schistosomiasis – also known as bilharzia – a parasitic worm that had crawled up his penis and laid eggs in his body.
James was proscribed medication called praziquantel that kills the worms.
James first spent three months in hospital using a wheelchair, before progressing to a wheelchair as he recovered. He also had to use a catheter as he couldn’t go to toilet properly.
He also had a breakout of extreme acne on his back and arms caused by steroids, as well as diarrhoea.
Yeah, the penis worms thing is weird, but what’s up with how the Brits spell diarrhea?
Balls (Ball) of the Week
Testicle the size of a tennis ball found in man’s stomach
When Matt Batten went to A&E with terrible pains in his stomach, doctors treated him for suspected appenticitis.
But in the operating theatre they discovered that the Cardiff man actually had a tumour the size of a tennis ball in an undescended testicle.
The cancerous mass was so big that it was pushing against the 42-year-old’s appendix.
“I was in A&E on a Saturday night in absolute agony,” said Matt, recalling the harrowing events of 2017.
“They [the doctors] said to me that it looked like appendicitis and that they would have to operate on me straight away because it felt serious.
“I was in surgery for about two hours, three hours maybe – a lot longer than they anticipated. And that’s when they discovered a testicle and a tumour the size of a tennis ball.
Matt said he had been unwell for a significant amount of time before the diagnosis was finally made.
“It was probably about 18 months of not feeling well, not feeling energetic and constantly tired – and it was getting worse and worse,” he said.
“I was getting quite forgetful too and wasn’t on top of things.
For example, he forgot where his other testicle was.
Balls In Dick of the Week
Boy stuck 31 magnetic balls up his penis which got stuck in bladder for 70 days
These are the 31 magnetic balls that were inside a 12-year-old boy’s bladder after he got them stuck up his penis.
The child said he forced them up there while ‘exploring his anatomy’ and was rushed to hospital two months later after experiencing severe abdominal pains.
Buckyballs are popular toys sold in the form of metal spheres, which can be stacked into any shape.
Urologist Doctor Wang Jun said the pieces were ‘very difficult to retrieve’ due to their magnetic properties.
He said: ‘They tend to slip when trying to grasp them, or they form a large ball-shaped cluster.’
At first it was not immediately clear to medics what was causing the young patient’s abdominal pains.
Dr Wang said: ‘It didn’t appear to us to be a gastrointestinal problem, so we pulled him aside and asked him.
‘He admitted that, about 70 days earlier, he inserted Buckyballs into his urethra.’
In the end doctors had to fill the boy’s bladder with air to make it easier to locate and grab the Buckyballs, avoiding the need for more invasive surgery.
Stay with me on this one: A boy put balls in his penis which formed the shape of a penis and balls and then the penis and balls were extracted from the boy’s penis by Dr. Wang.
Nut of the Week
Woman busted for seeking ‘Agent Penis’ at CIA HQ also went to Obama home
The woman who was busted in May for allegedly trespassing at CIA headquarters four times and asking for “Agent Penis” also showed up at the home of former president Barack Obama, a federal judge said Tuesday.
Jennifer G. Hernandez, 58, went to Obama’s DC-area home even though she’d been ordered to steer clear of all government-related facilities following her arrest, US District Court Judge John Anderson said.
Hernandez, who is from North Carolina, acknowledged going to the Obama home.
”I won’t go back there,” she vowed to the judge. “Tell me what to do, and I will abide by the law.”
Anderson replied that: “You shouldn’t be going to places like the CIA and the Obamas’ house.”
“You have to fight the callings, and you just can’t go back there,” he said.
Hernandez is accused of attempting to enter the agency in Langley, Va., through the main vehicle entrance over three days in April and May, using different tactics.
In one instance, on May 3, she allegedly asked for an ID card she had left there while inquiring to speak with an “Agent Penis.”
She is considering a plea of not guilty by reason of insanity to charges of trespassing at an agency installation without authorization…
She went looking for Agent Penis but found Commander Clit.
Nuts of the Week
Pensioner found with testicles ripped off on table beside him at Scot care home
A pensioner has been found with his testicles ripped off in a bizarre and shocking incident at a Scottish care home.
Cops were sent to the Marchglen Centre in Alloa, Clackmannanshire after the man’s genitals were found on a table in his room.
The shocking events happened last month, and the man’s current condition is unknown.
Staff have described their horror at walking in on the gruesome scene.
A source told The Sun: “It was awful, like something out of a horror film.
“Police questioned everybody and confirmed nobody else was involved.
“The poor soul must have done it to himself. It’s all very sad.”
It takes a lot balls to rip off you own balls.
UT-erus of the Week
The University of Texas at Austin is currently in the throes of giving its beloved football stadium a fresh look, but some people are noting that one aspect of the new design is reminiscent of the female reproductive system.
The university hired Kansas City-based design firm Populous to complete the renovations to Darrell K Royal-Texas Memorial Stadium, and new renderings show what the $175 million south end zone expansion will look like.
Let’s be honest — it looks like female reproductive organs.
Well duh, thanks to PC culture and snowflake outrage they had to change their name to the Texas Fighting Fallopian Tubes.
Trunk Heist of the Week
A state appeals court panel has refused to void a prisoner’s conviction for a brutal attempt to steal contraband tobacco hidden in another inmate’s rectum.
The Superior Court decision outlined in an opinion by Judge Paula Francisco Ott sinks Maurice Wakefield II’s bid to overturn the 9- to 18-year prison term he received for the attack.
Wakefield’s conviction stems from an incident in E Block at the Blair County Prison on the night of March 16, 2017.
Wakefield, 26, of Hollidaysburg, and several cohorts knew the other prisoner had tobacco hidden in a plastic bag inside his rectum. So, they demanded that he give it to them, investigators said.
The other inmate tried to comply and pass the package naturally, Ott noted. When that didn’t work, his tormenters tried to remove it by force.
The tools they used were two toothbrushes, the judge wrote. That invasion only left the other inmate battered and bloody and didn’t succeed in freeing the tobacco.
When the inmate did finally pass the tobacco, he tossed it to his attackers. Then despite their threats, he told the police what had happened.
This dude is a literal turd burglar. And here’s something for a turd gurgler:
Trunk Vice of the Week
Special South African gin is infused with elephant dung
The makers of a South African gin infused with elephant dung swear their use of the animal’s excrement is no gimmick.
The creators of Indlovu Gin, Les and Paula Ansley, stumbled across the idea a year ago after learning that elephants eat a variety of fruits and flowers and yet digest less than a third of it.
“As a consequence, in the elephant dung, you get the most amazing variety of these botanicals,” Les Ansley said during a recent visit to their operations. “Why don’t we let the elephants do the hard work of collecting all these botanicals and we will make gin from it?” he recalled his wife suggesting.
Laziness results in shit-flavored alcohol.
Blow Job of the Week
Man tells police wind may have blown bag of cocaine in car
A 37-year-old man had an unusual explanation for a bag of cocaine that Fort Pierce police reported finding in his car.
Police reported the driver had been “making furtive movements … as attempting to discard an item out the passenger window,” the affidavit states.
Investigators said the driver also was hiding an open can of Budweiser in the door.
Before the stop, police said he was spotted drinking in the parking lot of a motel known for drug sales and prostitution.
Police reported finding an apparent drug pipe in his car, along with a bag with residue that tested positive for cocaine in the back seat.
He said the bag wasn’t his.
“(He) stated that the police or the wind must have placed it there,” the affidavit states.
The affidavit did not list the wind speed or other meteorological conditions at the time.
So where’d the Bud can come from? Beernado?
Doe Job of the Week
Creative police officer draws picture of ‘car v. deer’ incident, shared by Kenosha police
A police officer got creative after being sent to a car v. deer incident.
The Kenosha Police Department posted a drawing of such an ‘accident’ to Facebook, after an officer had to make a diagram.
The drawing even includes a Mercedes-Benz logo on the steering wheel!
“When a city officer gets sent to a car vs deer accident and has to make a diagram of the accident,” the department wrote.
It’s still better evidence gathering than the democrats’ impeachment inquiry.
GPS of the Week
‘It could happen to anyone’: Man performs lewd act while asking student for directions near Boone HS
The Orlando Police Department said it is investigating after a suspicious man approached two Boone High School students Tuesday.
In the first incident, police said a man stopped and asked a student if she could provide directions to the school.
Police said when the student approached the vehicle, she noticed the man was masturbating.
In another incident, a 14-year-old girl was walking home from the high school near Delaney Street and Harding Street when a man in his 40s asked her twice for directions, which made her feel uncomfortable.
Police said he then asked the student to come with him, but she quickly walked away.
Directions? No, you misheard, he was asking for erections.
WTF? of the Week
Cops Bust Unicorn Protesting White Supremacy at Indiana Farmer’s Market
The arrest of an inflatable purple unicorn on Saturday wasn’t even close to the strangest event to unfold at Bloomington, Indiana’s Community Farmers’ Market this year.
The market was once the peaceful home of fresh vegetables and goat cheese. But after the owners of a market stall were outed as supporters of a white supremacist group, it has become the center of a fierce debate on bigotry and free speech. The controversy has led to new rules about where people can hold signs and distribute flyers in the market—and on Saturday, five anti-racist protesters were arrested for allegedly breaking those rules.
The unicorn was the first to go. Dressed in an inflatable purple pony suit with a golden horn, protester Forrest Gilmore was removed from the market by two police officers, each gripping one of his purple hooves.
