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Joe Biden Is Riding Around In A ‘Malarkey’ Bus And Eating His Wife’s Fingers

Joe Biden Is Riding Around In A ‘Malarkey’ Bus And Eating His Wife’s Fingers

If this was about anyone other than Joe Biden, the headline might seem preposterous. This is of course about Joe Biden, so nobody is even batting an eye. In an effort to connect with young people, Biden lunched a “No Malarkey” tour of Iowa in which he will ride around the state in his Malarky Bus. On his first stop, he nibbled on his wife’s fingers. Presumably “no malarkey” means no more sniffing hair.

Biden, as someone who is actually too old to be a Baby Boomer, likes to use the antiquated term “malarkey.” In the half-century since this word was relevant, it has been replaced by “jive,” “bullshit,” and “ZOMG! amazeballs pwned” or whatever the hell Millennials text nonsensically about. Biden thinks using ancient terminology will win him the young people vote so he did something else old fashioned and jumped on a bus to tour Iowa:

His campaign should have also explained to the young folks that a bus is like an Uber that you can’t call, doesn’t pick you up at your location, and doesn’t drop you off at your destination.

And here’s the No Malarkey bus in all of it’s glory:

Plus it comes with this handy definition of “malarkey” just in case:

malarkey ma·lar·key noun :insincere or foolish talk

I’m not one to split hairs, but hasn’t Joe Biden made a career out of insincere and foolish talk? I mean, he’s told a paraplegic to stand up and asked reporters if they’ve seen his “butt buddy.” This is kind of like Bernie Sanders riding around in a bus emblazoned with “No Socialism.” Malarkey is literally the essence of Joe Biden.

Maybe he’s trading in the foolish talk for foolish behavior. Check out what happened at his first stop on the No Malarkey Tour:

What the hell was that? It’s a good thing he doesn’t have real teeth or his wife could have been injured. Like the tweet points out, this is Joe Biden relaunching his image. Before he was an old out of touch guy who said crazy things. Now he’s an old out of touch guy who does crazy things. Generally speaking, that’s a lateral move.

This kind of limits the inevitable future reboots for Biden’s image. Next he’ll be the guy who smells crazy, reeking of patchouli and tuna casserole and when that fails he’ll be the guy who looks crazy with neck tattoos and a rainbow afro wig. Hopefully he drops out of the race before he’s the guy who tastes and feels crazy.

Besides all of the stuff going on with him, his crackhead son, and Ukraine, Biden’s campaign is in serious jeopardy because he cannot make one single public appearance without coming off like a maniac. Instead of the “No Malarkey Tour” it should be called the “No Chance In Hell Tour.”