Over the recess, democrats are deciding if they will impeach President Trump for no particular reason by Christmas, gifting him reelection and 4 more years. Here’s some other WTF? to put you in the holiday spirit:
Headline of the Week
13-year-old girl among arrests after ‘machete’ brawl during Frozen 2 viewing
A 13-year-old girl is among five teenagers arrested over a mass brawl involving youths armed with machetes at a Birmingham cinema.
Families were watching Frozen 2 at Star City when the disorder broke out late on Saturday afternoon, sparking a mass evacuation of the complex.
Police said up to 100 teenagers were involved in the “major disorder”, where people were armed with machetes.
“Dozens of officers were sent to the complex after a 999 call just after 5.30pm reporting a group of youths with machetes,” a spokesperson for West Midlands Police said.
“Two machetes were seized during the trouble, which saw pockets of fighting and seven police officers left with minor injuries as they dealt with the crowds in and around the cinema.”
Armed police were deployed to the scene, drawing Tasers to restore order following a “very hostile response”.
Officers were left with facial injuries, and a knife was recovered from a nearby roundabout.
Investigators said they were working to understand the reason behind the disorder, which bears the hallmarks of an organised fight between rival groups.
Police identified the girl as “Elsa” and are seeking her accomplice, described only as a “snowman.”
North Pole of the Week
Tesco shopper in hysterics after buying chocolate Santa ‘with a penis’
A shopper was shocked by a chocolate Father Christmas that left little to the imagination.
Jason Greaves picked up the £1 festive treat from Tesco last week, only to find an unwelcome surprise.
The 28-year-old unwrapped the hollow chocolate treat and then noticed an unusual penis-shaped splodge on the bottom half of the Santa.
The clothing company director left the chocolate uneaten while he contacted Tesco to alert them to the unlikely addition to the treat.
‘I did tell Tesco this but they didn’t seem to care.’ A spokesman for Tesco said: ‘Oops…It looks as if Father Christmas has revealed a little too much on this occasion. ‘Of course if the customer wants to return the product then we can arrange this at their nearest large Tesco store.’
Santa uses that on the ho ho hoes.
Nutcracker of the Week
Wife ‘murdered’ cheating husband by crushing his testicles until he collapsed and died
The wife, known only as Ekhator, had accused her husband of cheating on her during a “heated argument” at their home in Edo State, Nigeria.
The argument quickly got physical as the couple exchanged blows.
It’s reported by Information Nigeria that the husband had slapped Ekhator, prompting her to grab at his genitals.
She removed his trousers and began to squeeze his testicles until he passed out.
Upon losing consciousness, her husband was taken to hospital but pronounced dead by medical staff.
The woman told cops she had been “possessed by the devil.”
This Nutcracker Suite ain’t so sweet.
Gingerbread Man of the Week
Eddie Hall ‘Nearly Bled to Death’ After a Load of Heavy Weights Fell on His Penis
Former World’s Strongest Man winner Eddie Hall isn’t afraid of taking his workouts to some extreme places. This year alone, he completed the extremely ill-advised feat of lifting a kettlebell with his penis and balls, and then just weeks later pushed his leg day in the gym so hard that he lost consciousness and soiled himself.
But even the strongman has his limits. In a recent interview…Hall revealed the wince-inducing, “worst ever” injury that he sustained in the gym. You’re going to want to go ahead and cross your legs before reading this.
“I piled a load of heavy weights on a leg-press machine and then heard a loud thud,” Hall said. “It had come crashing down and the weights had landed on my penis. I nearly bled to death.”
“It was bad,” he continued. “The worst ever. I didn’t cry for help though. I just lifted them off, drove myself to hospital and got stitched up. I was back training soon enough.”
Bleeding scrotum is just weakness leaving the body.
Light Festival of the Week
Dad decorates his house with ‘check your nuts’ Christmas lights after surviving testicular cancer
One dad is using his Christmas lights to spread more than just festive cheer.
Christian Roach, 41, hopes that his Christmas decorations will remind men to check their testicles, after he survived testicular cancer.
The roofer has put up 750 Christmas lights spelling out ‘check your nuts’ (well, technically it’s ‘check yr nuts’, but you get the idea) to celebrate being cancer-free and urge others to check their bits.
Having survived testicular cancer thanks to getting treatment quickly, Christian wants to share his story to urge other men to keep an eye on all aspects of their health.
And he’s also happy to use unorthodox methods – including a flashy Christmas decoration – to hammer home the importance of men checking out their balls.
You should see his colon cancer Easter display.
Ugly Sweater of the Week
He masturbated in public. It got uglier when he was confronted by an elderly man, cops say
Not many people would confront an inebriated man with his pants around his ankles. One senior citizen who did suffered painful consequences.
Kerry Vandergriff, 38, is accused of masturbating in a parking lot and clocking the senior citizen who told him to stop, according to Miami-Dade police.
The incident began Saturday evening when the elderly man spotted an apparently intoxicated Vandergriff pleasuring himself in the parking lot of a Fresco y Mas located near Southwest 122nd Avenue and Eighth Street in unincorporated Miami-Dade. Police say the man approached Vandergriff and told him to stop. Vandergriff responded with a knuckle sandwich.
Vandergriff “got upset and proceeded to punch [the man] with a closed fist on the right side of the face,” the officer wrote.
The senior collapsed but Vandergriff kept on coming, according to the arrest report.
Vandergriff “continued to punch him all over his body,” the officer wrote.
When police responded to the scene, they found a belligerent Vandergriff. Fire Rescue arrived shortly after and took him to Kendall Regional Hospital, where he continued to masturbate in front of officers as well as medical staff, the report says.
Vandergriff’s 38th birthday was Sunday. It’s unclear if he was celebrating his birthday.
Beating off, Florida Man style.
Yule Log of the Week
Firewood collecting turns traumatic for young camper
The boys kicked the dead tree, tempting the 90-foot widow-maker with each stomp, caught in the exuberance of outdoor adventure.
They were deep in the backcountry of Idaho, north of Priest Lake and 3 1/2 miles from the nearest Forest Service road, a bumpy affair miles from the closest town. They were collecting firewood.
For 10 minutes, they kicked and knocked the dead snag, until Addison Ditto delivered the fateful blow, a “spartan kick” delivered with vim and vigor by the 110-pound junior.
The pine had enough.
It fell. Carried by gravity, its base tumbled away from the boys while the top half broke and fell toward the four teenagers.
They scattered. Most ran to the side of the falling behemoth. But Ditto ran directly away from the tree, which came crashing down in an explosion of rotten, water-logged wood, dirt, moss and branches.
He ran just fast enough and far enough. His left leg was caught.
“He was lying there screaming,” said Jack Overholser, a junior at Innovation High School. “Me and my buddy JT (Wilson) had to lift the tree off his leg while he was screaming. That was probably the most traumatizing part.”
Ditto sat up and saw his “lower calf hanging.”
“This is not good,” he recalled thinking.
Must have been one of those Douglas Fighting Firs.
Secret Santa of the Week
Arizona teen gets stuck trying to sneak into own home through chimney
An Arizona teen who tried to shimmy down her chimney in an attempt to sneak home after a late night out ended up getting stuck for more than 90 minutes, according to a new report.
The teen decided the smokestack would be the best entryway to her home after she and her friend, identified only as Yasmeen, got locked out Wednesday night and couldn’t find another way inside…
“She was panicking,” Yasmeen [said]. “She was, like, ‘call 911!’ She couldn’t breathe.”
The teen screamed for help the entire time, Yasmeen said.
“I didn’t know it was blocked in the bottom,” she told the outlet. “I never thought it was blocked on the bottom, so she went down and she started freaking out.”
Crews set up a tripod over the chimney and struggled to hoist the girl out, according to the report.
The teen was covered in soot when she was finally freed but refused medical attention. She smiled after she was rescued, and declined to be interviewed…
“I don’t know what we were thinking,” Yasmeen [said].
Thinking definitely wasn’t an issue here.
Frankincense of the Week
A woman has had a giant tumour removed from her face after being stoned by people who thought she was possessed.
Pascaline Patienda, 23, said she was taunted by locals in her village, Digre, Burkina Faso, Africa, because of the mass on her face.
The rare non-cancerous tumour, called an ameloblastoma, began growing when she was 15 years old, eventually injuring her jaw and teeth.
Charity workers spotted Ms Patienda in the street and offered to help her because she was unable to afford any treatment.
They spoke to surgeons at Vithas Valencia 9 Octubre hospital in Spain, who agreed to do the €40,000 (£34,000) operation for free in September.
Two months later, Ms Patienda is able to move her mouth again totally naturally and will soon return home.
But now who’s going to star in Black Popeye?
Mistletoe of the Week
Man urinating between Bronx subway cars slips and suffers severe foot injury
A man who tried to relieve himself between two Bronx subway cars suffered a severe foot injury when he slipped and fell, cops said Wednesday.
The man, whose identity has not been released, was riding between cars on a southbound No. 6 train just after 8:40 p.m., when he fell as the train approached the Brook Ave. and E. 138th St. stop in Mott Haven.
Medics took him to Lincoln Hospital…
I bet he was pissed off about his foot.
Open Sleigh of the Week
Man Walked Around Woodman’s Exposing Himself For 2 Hours
Authorities in Waukesha say they’ve arrested a 58-year-old man after he reportedly walked around the Woodman’s grocery store with his penis exposed for more than two hours.
According to Waukesha Police reports, officers responded to the Waukesha Woodman’s at just after 7:30 p.m. on Nov. 25 to deal with the situation after a customer called police, saying that the man, later identified as Byron J. Oakes, exposed himself to the customer three times during the same shopping trip.
When police arrived, they saw what the customer saw – Oakes exposing himself just above waistband-level.
Police said he was arrested on suspicion of lewd and lascivious behavior and transported to the Waukesha County Jail.
Waukesha Police told Patch that Oakes “has a criminal history of doing this type of behavior and confessed he had been walking around the store that way for over two hours.”
The store is called “Woodman’s.” What’d they expect?
Caroler of the Week
Even Mister Rogers thought farts were funny
Beloved kids television host Fred Rogers, known as “Mister Rogers,” reportedly had a playful way of amusing his long-time wife — by farting in front of her.
Joanne Rogers, 91, revealed the intimate relationship quirk in a lengthy Los Angeles Times profile that was published on Tuesday.
The widow told the paper that if the couple attended an event that turned out to be dull, her late-husband would turns things around by passing gas.
“He would just raise one cheek and he would look at me and smile,” she said, while laughing.
Yeah, but could he fart It’s A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood?
Black Friday of the Week
Naked man accused of swinging belt at tourists in Nashville park bathroom
A 66-year-old repeat offender is accused of getting naked and scaring tourists in a restroom Friday morning at Bicentennial Capitol Mall State Park.
According to an arrest warrant, a custodian called police to report a man creating a disturbance in a park bathroom. The paperwork states she told officers the man was naked and speaking gibberish, while also swinging a belt and throwing objects, scaring tourists who were attempting to use the restroom.
When police arrived, the bathroom was cleared, as the officer tried to convince the suspect to get dressed. A tour bus arrived 40 minutes later and police said they forcefully removed him from the restroom and took him into custody.
The suspect, identified by police as Odell Crump, was booked into the Metro jail on a charge of disorderly conduct. His bond was set at $1,500.
Online court records show Crump has been arrested on more than 20 charges in 2019.
He was fighting off the crowds for the doorbusters at the glory hole.
Jack Frost of the Week
Mostly naked Florida man accused of spreading feces during school break-in
A man was naked from the waist down when he broke into an elementary school, spreading feces in the process, according to the Seminole County Sheriff’s Office.
Surveillance video showed a man, later identified as 25-year-old Christian Dominic Shay, jumping a fence on the property around 2:10 a.m., the report said.
Deputies said they found cake frosting on drawers, desks and chairs in a classroom. There were frosting footprints across the floor as well, records show.
The opened cake container was found in the classroom’s trash can along with a child’s sweatshirt that was covered in frosting and feces, according to the affidavit.
Hand prints and foot prints of fecal matter were found at the window ledge in the classroom where Shay broke in, authorities said.
A stapler was found placed in a toilet and a TV remote that was covered in feces and frosting was located in the bathroom as well, according to the report.
Deputies said a laptop worth $559 was found in a trash can outside of the school and soiled men’s underwear was found hanging from a building.
Shay was located Friday at his home in Apopka. He told deputies that he was the man in the surveillance video and he believes he committed the crime because he smoked a marijuana blunt that had been laced with an unknown substance, according to the report.
The weed was so strong he literally lost his shit.
WTF? of the Week
Suspect arrested after feces dumped on people near Toronto university libraries
Toronto police say they have arrested a 23-year-old man in connection with a string of incidents in which victims were attacked with liquid fecal matter.
The arrest comes after a bucket of what was believed to be feces was dumped on a female outside a University of Toronto building late Monday night, the third such incident in the city within a four-day period.
Police said a man dumped a bucket of what appeared to be feces on a female on the sidewalk and then took off eastbound on College Street.
Officers were already investigating two other incidents where “liquefied fecal matter” was reportedly tossed on people inside university libraries.
The first assault allegedly occurred at the University of Toronto’s Robarts Library on Friday.
Police said an unknown man entered the library at around 5:20 p.m. carrying what has been described as “liquefied fecal matter.”
The man, according to police, then walked over to two unsuspecting people seated at a table and poured the contents of the bucket on them.
He then fled the area on foot.
A similar scene unfolded on Sunday at a library at York University’s Keele campus.
In a statement released Monday, a York University spokesperson said an unknown male entered the university’s Scott Library at around 5 p.m. and “deposited a substance, suspected of containing fecal matter, on a student.”
Surveillance camera images of the suspect in the York incident were released by police on Monday evening. In the image, the suspect appears to be carrying some sort of a bucket with a handle.
Police said Tuesday night that Samuel Opoku of Toronto has been charged with five counts of assault with a weapon and five counts of mischief interfere with property.
Const. Victor Kwong said police have not yet confirmed if the substance dumped on the victims is in fact human waste but said the bucket seized last night will be forensically tested.
At this point, it appears the victims were targeted at random.
“(The victims) were Asian, however, we don’t think that might be the connection because we have different parts of Asia in there. We have some from the west side, some from the east side,” Kwong said.
A black guy dumps buckets of shit on 4 different Asians but cops don’t see a connection?
