Nancy Pelosi and the democrats are doing a real song and dance number to push their farce impeachment against President Trump but have two left feel and are only hitting sour notes. In honor of this out of tune coup, here’s the Def-Con News jukebox with this week’s WTF? greatest hits:
“Barracuda” by Heart
Rare Fish Festival in Tokyo serves up dishes so good that oil may leak from your anus!
It’s sphincter leakin’ good!
It could be said that fish are a lot like bands. You have your headlining acts the produce a string of hits like The Rolling Stones (i.e. salmon), and your sophisticated, once-in-a-while tastes like Yngwie Malmsteem (red sea bream). And like the music scene, some acts are relegated to the underground because they are just too out-there for mass consumption.
In this way the Rare Fish Festival (Mezurashi Sakana Fest) is like the Rams Head Live stage of the Maryland Deathfest. And the headliner for this show is none other than… SKIIIILLLLLFIIIIISSSSHHHH!!!!
The skilfish is known among gourmands but very rarely eaten. To learn more about it, we decided to consult the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare’s data sheet.
“The meat is delicious but it is said that eating it results in oil leaking from the anus.”
Just be glad I didn’t use “Lick it Up” by KISS for this one.
“Disco Duck” by Rick Dees
Duck has ‘traumatized’ penis removed after non-stop sex
Dave had too many duck buddies.
The UK-based quacker was forced to have his “traumatized” penis surgically removed after it became infected due to his insatiable sex drive. Dave reportedly engaged in fowl play with flocks of lady ducks on the reg.
Dave’s owner, Josh Watson of Torquay, Devon, said his “nymphomaniac” pet would “mate with his female companions” Dora, Edith and Freda “between five and 10 times a day” — even when it wasn’t mating season.
It got to the point where his threesome partners would “wander off” during sex and even peck at his pecker to ward off unwanted advances, Watson, 39, told Kennedy News.
Unfortunately, the horny drake (i.e., male duck) paid the ultimate price for his amorous activities — his member became “gangrenous.”
“The end of his penis had basically died and it was pretty horrific,” Watson said. “It started not going in, and we’d give him a bath to keep it clean.”
When antibiotics failed to remedy the problem, Watson took Dave to Bristol’s Highcroft Veterinary hospital. Veterinarian Sonya Miles said “overuse and him being far too amorous” had caused Dave’s member to prolapse and become septic — a condition that could become “life-threatening” if untreated.
So they lopped off his putrid phallus, leaving only a centimeter-long stub behind. Fortunately, Dave can still urinate — the duck penis is only used for sex, Miles said.
F*ck duck outta luck. Quacked too much and now he’s plucked.
“Smell the Glove” by Spinal Tap
TEEN GETS ‘INVERTED’ SCROTUM AND ‘DEGLOVED’ PENIS AFTER BEING IMPALED ON BIKE HANDLEBARS
A 14-year-old boy landed in the emergency room after he “degloved” part of his penis and inverted his left scrotum—while cycling.
According to the report, he had been cycling at walking pace (and with a drink in hand) when he hit a stationary car.
The collision left him with a 12-to-14-centimeter (4.7 inches to 5.5 inches) cut that extended from his left groin, across the pubic bone and to the right, and 10 centimeters into the perineum—a term describing the area between the anus and the genitals.
The result was an inverted left scrotum and a penis that had been partially degloved, meaning part of the penis skin had been removed, leaving muscle and other human body tissue exposed.
Medics at the John Radcliffe Hospital in Oxford, U.K., were able to close the wound after it was clear no foreign bodies or neurovascular damage were present.
The boy was left with no “significant” vascular damage—indeed, “normal sensations” were noted at the 4-week follow-up and there were no reports of any problems urinating. However, the case study authors report that the effect on sexual function has not been assessed and, therefore, is unknown.
Inverted Scrotum is my second favorite Norwegian black metal band.
“Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin'” by Journey
LAPD Officer Allegedly Caught Fondling Dead Woman’s Breasts in Body-Cam Footage
A Los Angeles Police Department officer has been put on administrative leave after his body-worn camera allegedly caught him fondling a dead woman’s breasts.
…the officer and his partner had gone on a call about a dead woman in a residential unit when the alleged incident occurred.
The two officers gained entry to the residence and both observed that the woman was deceased.
“They both went out of the room and then the individual went back in on his own,” a source familiar with the incident tells PEOPLE.
…the accused officer allegedly turned off his body camera and then fondled the deceased woman’s breasts.
Although the camera was turned off during the alleged occurrence, it was picked up by an automatic buffer, which automatically saves all footage from two minutes before the device is activated…
Dead girls don’t say “no” but live cops wearing body cams should.
“Missing You” by John Waite
Man has end of his penis amputated after docs noticed it was rotting away during routine check-up
The 43-year-old patient, who hasn’t been named, was having dialysis treatment for kidney failure at a hospital near Adelaide, South Australia.
But during his examination, medics noticed that the end of his penis had turned white with black spots.
Surgeons quickly realised that it was gangrenous and the dead flesh needed to be sliced off urgently to prevent it from spreading.
…medics explained that the man had developed a rare disease called penile calciphylaxis.
It’s a build up of calcium deposits in the small blood vessels, causing them to narrow and cut off circulation.
This can lead to the tissue dying and if it’s not caught quickly, it can cause gangrene which can spread quickly and is incurable.
In this case, the medics, led by Dr Rowan David, said that the man was lucky to have survived the condition, which kills around six in 10 patients.
He wrote: “The majority of patients who develop penile calciphylaxis progress to gangrene and sepsis”.
The patient was taken for an emergency operation to remove the rotting flesh but his wound got worse and he needed further surgery to remove the entire tip.
They managed to reconstruct it with a skin graft four days later but he was left with what they described as a “penile stump”.
With that foul tip he has 2 balls and one strike.
“Wide Open Spaces” by The Dixie Chicks
Border patrol finds 1/2 pound of meth in woman’s vagina
U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers found more than a half-pound of methamphetamine in a woman’s vaginal cavity.
It happened on Thursday in Texas. The woman, a U.S. citizen, was trying to enter the country at a pedestrian border crossing.
The methamphetamine seizure occurred at the Paso Del Norte crossing. The 32-year-old woman was selected for a secondary exam during which a CBP drug-sniffing dog alerted to her body.
The search resulted in the discovery of a cylindrical object partially concealed in her vaginal cavity. Two additional bundles were also recovered later. The contents of the packages tested positive for methamphetamine.
The woman was turned over to U.S. Customs and Immigration Enforcement Homeland Security Investigations agents to face charges associated with the failed smuggling attempt.
Now that’s what I call a man cave. How do you say “like throwing a hotdog down a hallway” is Spanish?
“Touch Too Much” by AC/DC
Florida elementary teacher won’t stop touching man’s buttocks; gets arrested
Pasco County deputies in Florida have arrested an elementary school music teacher after he touched the buttocks of a man who was cleaning his house after being told numerous times to stop by the victim.
According to an arrest report, 54-year-old Stephen Ailing “intentionally and willfully touched the victim by grabbing and poking his buttocks.”
During an interview with deputies, Ailing said the victim and another person were at his house cleaning. He stated he knew the victim was upset about something but was unaware of the reason.
Ailing later admitted to touching the victim’s buttocks with his hands and stated the victim told him to “stop,” but said he was unsure if he touched the victim’s buttocks multiple times, according to deputies.
The other individual present during the incident told deputies Ailing intentionally touched the victim’s buttocks and was told to stop multiple times, to arrest report read.
According to deputies, after the victim told Ailing to stop, Ailing stated, “you are more gay than I ever will be.”
At least the music teacher played this song on the butt bongos and not the skin flute.
“Rock the Casbah” by The Clash
Tunisia politician appears to masturbate outside of school, sparking #MeToo movement
Footage of a politician appearing to masturbate in a car outside a secondary school in Tunisia has provoked the country’s own #MeToo movement.
Women and girls have come forward to share their stories of sexual harassment and rape on social media and held demonstrations in the North African nation.
A 19-year-old school student shared a video in October of Zouheir Makhlouf, a member of the Qalb Tounes Party, apparently masturbating. But the politician refuted the allegations and insisted he was just about to urinate in a bottle, linking it to his diabetes.
Images of the politician were captured by a student who alleges he had been harassing her. A public prosecutor launched a civil investigation into the issue but Mr Makhlouf is exempt from proper scrutiny because he has legal immunity due to being a member of the national parliament.
Hey, we just found Muslim Bill Clinton!
“Blister in the Sun” by The Violent Femmes
The practice sees people tanning the thin area of skin between their anus and private parts in attempt to boost energy and sleep – but Josh has warned others against it.
Taking to Instagram the 51-year-old wrote: “Tried this perineum sunning that I’ve been hearing about and my suggestion is DO NOT do it as long as I did.
“My pucker hole is crazy burned and I was going to spend the day shopping with my family and instead I’m icing and using aloe and burn creams because of the severity of the pain.
“I don’t know who the f*** thought of this stupid s*** but f*** you nonetheless. Seriously.”
Does this count as an asshole-on-asshole crime?
“My Home is in the Delta” by Muddy Waters
Little Malaysian boy left in coma by leech ‘which entered his anus as he played in water’
A young boy has been hospitalised in a coma after a huge leech reportedly entered his body through his anus while he was playing in dirty water.
According to local media, the youngster was playing in dirty floodwater following a period of heavy rains in the Malaysian state of Terengganu.
While playing in the dirty water, a leech reportedly entered the boy through his anus and the unknowing child later started vomiting blood, according to reports.
The child’s family rushed him to hospital where the huge leech was detected and removed from the boy’s body.
Reports said that he remains in a coma in intensive care.
Maybe using the bare-fisting method of extraction is what caused the coma.
“I Wanna Be Your Dog” by The Stooges
Mom Charged With Murder And Bestiality After Her Kids Were Found Hanging By Dog Leash
The mother of two young Pennsylvania siblings found hanging from their home’s basement ceiling by a dog leash in September has now been accused of killing them, in addition to having sex with the family dog.
Lisa Snyder, 36, originally claimed she found Conner Snyder, 8, and Brinley Snyder, 4, hanging from the basement rafters of their Albany Township home and that they were unresponsive.
Both children were found hanging from the home’s basement rafter beams at opposite ends of the same dog leash. Two tipped-over chairs from the home’s dining room were found near the bodies. While the mother initially claimed her son had made threats of suicide, investigators have now determined that suicide wasn’t the culprit.
Snyder was charged with first-degree murder, third-degree murder, tampering with evidence, endangering the welfare of children, animal cruelty, and sexual intercourse with a dog on Monday…
As for the animal abuse charges, Snyder allegedly sent at least three photos of herself engaging in sexual acts with a dog to an unnamed person…
Dig she bang the dog before or after killing her kids with the leash? Somehow after seems sicker.
“Let it Be” by The Beatles
Prescott Valley man registers beehive as service animal
David Keller isn’t a beekeeper and he’s never owned any bees. But when he wanted to prove a point last month, he [registered] a beehive as a service animal. Yes, you read that right — a beehive.
“A lot of people thought it was hilarious, and a lot of people were getting upset,” Keller said, explaining that the whole thing started after he saw what appeared to be a service dog misbehaving. “I could very easily tell that it was not a service animal because it was pulling the owner to the parking lot,” he said.
So, he decided to take a stand. “I was thinking that it’s just too easy to get these animals to be service animals,” Keller said. He went to a site called USAServiceDogRegistration.com, and successfully registered the picture of the beehive as a service animal. “[I wanted to] bring awareness to the issue that anyone could do this,” Keller said. We reached out to USAServiceDogRegistration.com, but nobody responded to our requests for comment.
Keller hopes all the buzz around his beehive stunt proves his point about these registration sites. “It’s making people believe all animals are service animals when they’re not,” Keller said. “And there’s a clear difference.”
This bee the funniest thing hive heard comb along in a while.
“99 Bottles of Beer” by anonymous
A drunk heroin addict with 94 bottles of alcohol in her car killed a 15-year-old teenage girl in a hit-and-run in Baltimore on Tuesday.
Jennifer Jean Jones, 30, has been charged with negligent homicide for killing 15-year-old Trinity Brooks by running her over while driving drunk.
Trinity was walking on the sidewalk on her way home from the grocery store at around 5.30pm when Jones lost control of her car and smashed into her.
Jones carried on driving after hitting the teen.
She crashed into a tree then plowed through backyard fences before eventually coming to a stop in someone’s backyard.
She was unconscious when police found her but, after being given Narcan – which reverses the effects of opioids – told them she had her last drink five minutes before she got in her car.
She said she’d had seven shots that day, confessing: ‘I’m drunk’ when first responders arrived.
Authorities found 94 bottles of booze in the vehicle – two empty 200ml bottles of Fireball and 92 miniature bottles of 99 Brand, a flavored liqueur, which she was keeping in the passenger side floor board.
She’s like a skinnier more manly Vince Neil.
