Democrats and the liberal media have successfully convinced people the world is coming to an end and now nobody can groceries or watch sports. Until further notice, insanity is your only form of sustenance and entertainment. Thankfully there’s plenty of crazy WTF? to go around:
Headline of the Week
Fart-filtering firm invents game-changing ‘banana’ to crack problem of in-flight flatulence
The firm that gave the world fart-filtering underpants has come up with a gadget that allows you to pass wind on a plane without causing a stink.
The Shreddies Carbonana is a banana-shaped foam insert designed to be worn in the rear of the underwear between the buttocks to filter flatulence odours.
This new product is the brainchild of Paul O’Leary, owner of Shreddies Ltd – the Leicestershire-based company that gave us the fart-filtering underwear of the same name.
Paul, who firm is based in Cotes near Loughborough, came up with the idea after his own slightly uncomfortable experience on board a flight to New York.
He discovered the hard way that the carbon in his normal fart pants and fart-filtering jeans confused airport scanners – leading to a couple of uncomfortable frisks.
The alternative of changing into and out of his fart pants on either side of security was two much of a hassle, so he came up with the removable banana pad instead.
He felt that air travellers should be able to be up in clouds without assaulting the noses of fellow passengers.
I’d rather have people smell my farts than stick a banana up my butt and in other fruit/ass related news…
Cheek of the Week
Peach Bottom facing charges after accidentally firing gun in church
A Peach Bottom man is facing charges after unintentionally discharging a handgun inside a church while volunteering as a security guard.
William Mayes, 55, is charged with simple assault and reckless endangerment for his role in the incident.
On February 9, Mayes was volunteering at Worship Center in the 2300 block of New Holland Pike in Upper Leacock Township when he discharged his Glock 40-caliber pistol inside a small office area inside the church, with four other people present.
An investigation revealed that Mayes had exchanged handguns with another security team member for the purpose of dry firing the weapons to “compare their trigger pulls.”
Police say that in doing so, Mayes unintentionally fired a bullet.
Two men were struck by bullet fragment shrapnel when the fired round ricocheted off the floor.
One man received stitches in his cheek and another was struck in the hand, but did not require medical treatment.
The round and fragments did not travel outside the small office room.
Nobody got hit in the peaches or the bottom so it’s all good.
Trouser Snake of the Week
D—khead the pet snake ‘has penis on head’
We’ve seen many questionable animal names but a pet snake named D***head is up there with the weirdest.
A family in the US gave their pet reptile the non-conventional name and, when you see a picture of the animal’s head, you can see why.
The reptile, which belongs to Craig Park and his family, instantly chose the moniker as a result of the scales on his head resembling a penis.
Craig, who hails from South Carolina, told UNILAD: “My dad picked up D***head this past weekend at a reptile expo near home as a new addition to the family.
“I don’t even think my father noticed the suggestive marking on the snake’s head until after my mom pointed it out.”
Fortunately, D***head will be right at home with his new family, who are all avid snake lovers and have kept corn snakes, king snakes and even a python.
Ironically C*nthead their pet beaver doesn’t have any unusual markings at all.
Hot Tip of the Week
MAN SHOOTS OFF TIP OF ANOTHER MAN’S PENIS
19-year-old Daniel Crowder was charged with aggravated assault after he shot the tip of another man’s penis.
On March 8th, victim Clarence Lewis and Daniel Crowder were involved in an argument over a bruise that Daniel suspected Clarence left on his 2-year-old son. The bruise actually turned out to be hair dye. Clarence told police that he was in the front bedroom of the house when Daniel went behind the house, at which time Clarence heard a gunshot and stepped outside to contact the police. Once Clarence stepped out of the residence he found that his phone was dead. Clarence then saw Daniel come out of the residence with a gun which he began to point at him while walking toward him while saying something along the lines of, “Who you going to shoot and stab?” Clarence then ran toward Daniel to attempt to wrestle the pistol away from Daniel but a shot was fired.
The shot rang out and blew the tip of Clarence’s penis off. While enduring the newly inflicted trauma, Clarence continued to wrestle with Daniel until he flipped him on the ground and Clarence was able to take off down the street, avoiding anymore bloodshed.
As he was running away, Daniel fired two additional shots that did not make contact with any part of Clarence’s body.
That’s not the blow job he was looking for.
Dick Grabber of the Week
Man grabs Kenosha officer’s genitals while resisting arrest
A man has been charged after grabbing a Kenosha police officer in his genitals Saturday.
Kenosha police officers responded to the Factory Bar on 7th Avenue about 2:30 a.m. for reports of a fight.
Once there, officers observed a small group of people arguing outside the bar and tried to talk with them. The group started walking away and when officers told them they were not free to go, they continued walking and ignored commands to stop, according to the criminal complaint.
One officer then recognized one of the men in the group who had a small, bleeding cut on his head as Jerry Watkins. The officer attempted to grab Watkins’ arm, to which he immediately resisted. Other officers intervened and were eventually able to handcuff Watkins, but as they were attempting to place him in the squad car Watkins grabbed one of the officer’s in the crotch area.
The officer demanded Watkins to let go saying, “He’s got my d***. Spray him, spray him, he’s got my d***.”
At that point another officer deployed his OC spray and the defendant let go of the officer’s genitals.
I love a story with a happy ending.
Boobie Prize of the Week
Great Falls woman charged for allegedly showing her breasts to 7-year-old
Police arrested a Great Falls woman Wednesday for indecent exposure after she allegedly exposed her breast to a 7-year-old.
According to charging documents, police arrived at an address on the south side of Great Falls just before 9:30 p.m. for a report of a woman being inappropriate with a child.
As an officer approached the residence, a woman contacted him outside and identified herself as Shylah Cassie Marie Hanway, 18.
The officer reported Hanway immediately told him she was not a child molester and did not show her whole breast to a child but only partially exposed it.
A second woman inside the residence told police that Hanway had exposed her breast to a 7-year-old girl then made obscene hand gestures to the child while the two were alone in a bedroom of the home.
The woman said she called the police immediately after the child reported the alleged conduct.
When an officer spoke to the child, she claimed Hanway had pulled down her shirt, taking it off both shoulders and completely exposing both breasts and making obscene hand gestures.
Hanway was charged with felony indecent exposure and released on her own recognizance.
She’s a child molester now.
Ringer of the Week
Dance-happy driver cited for DUI after exposing breast to Peoria County deputy
A pulled-over motorist would not stop dancing even while undergoing field-sobriety tests, and later exposed herself to police.
At 1:28 a.m. Saturday, a Peoria County sheriff’s deputy pulled over a driver ignoring a stop sign on North Pierson Avenue before turning east onto West Nebraska Avenue. The driver, a 28-year-old from Peoria, handed over her license, saying she believed to have been driving properly. But the deputy had suspicions of further wrongdoing.
“Her eyelids were drooping, partially invading her pupils,” the deputy wrote in a police report. ”(She) seemed to be relaxed as her radio was loud and she was dancing in her seat. I detected the odor of an alcoholic beverage emitting from inside the vehicle.”
She said she had consumed two shots of liquor while working at Luxxx Showgirls, a gentleman’s club at 3601 W. Farmington Road in West Peoria. She did not specific her job at the club.
She agreed to exit her car to take field-sobriety tests. But she twice interrupted the process.
“She wanted to dance and sing to a song that she could her on the loud radio from her car,” the deputy stated. ”(She) even apologized, saying, ‘I just really love this song.’”
While flubbing portions of a heel-toe test, she said she had “been distracted by the good music on the car radio,” according to the report, which did not note the names of any of the distracting songs.
After the deputy turned off the car radio, he asked if she would take a breath test. She agreed and blew a blood alcohol concentration of .204 percent, or more than twice the legal intoxication threshold of 0.08 percent.
After the deputy then handcuffed the woman and led her into the back of a squad car, she asked if she would be fed at the Peoria County Jail. She also asked if her incarceration put her at risk for a particular sexual act, but the deputy advised her that she could post bond.
During transport to the jail, she asked a deputy to “take her through a fast-food drive-through,” the report stated. The deputy, who found that request “odd,” drove straight to the jail, the report stated.
At the jail, while the arresting deputy filled out paperwork near the woman, she said, “I’m not taking these out.”
As the deputy recounted, “I looked up from the paper and she had pulled down her top, exposing her breast and pointing toward her nipple rings. I turned my head away and yelled at her to put her breast back in her shirt, and I advised her that she cannot expose herself like that inside the facility. … She apologized and complied.”
My eyes! They burn! She must have been hideous.
Candyman of the Week
A former Tallmadge Schools bus aide with a criminal history was indicted by a Summit County grand jury after police said he inappropriately touched five young girls on a bus.
Howard Franklin Jr., 31, was indicted on four counts of gross sexual imposition and five counts of attempted gross sexual imposition, according to Summit County Court of Common Pleas records.
The charges stem from several incidents that allegedly occurred in Sept. 2019.
Franklin is accused of touching five girls between the ages of six and nine on the “outside of their clothing.”
Police said the victims were all students and the alleged incidents happened on school bus.
Some of the victims were touched in their groin and buttocks area, according to police records.
Investigators said Franklin Jr. also let children “reach into his pocket and dig around” on at least two occasions, including one where they say the suspect showed a little girl a piece of candy, placed it into his pants pocket, and then “allowed [victim] to dig around in his pocket.”
How is that any worse than Joe Biden letting little kids rub his hairy legs in the pool?
Broke Ass Bitch of the Week
A Scots woman is living in hell with a painful ‘broken bum disease ‘that she fears may kill her.
Linda Caroll, from Paisley, suffers from an anal fistula leaving her in agony every day.
The 35-year-old was left with a right bum cheek ‘the size of a basketball’ before having drains inserted to drain fluid build up.
She is desperate for medics to take her seriously as the infection has led to sepsis in the past.
Linda now wants to go private and is appealing for help to fund pig collagen treatment in a desperate bid to cure her bum blight.
An anal fistula is a small tunnel that develops between the end of the bowel and the skin near the anus.
They are usually the result of an infection near the anus causing a collection of pus in the nearby tissue.
When the pus drains away, it can leave a small channel behind.
Suffering the infection for more than 14 years, Linda is desperate to go private after deciding against having her rectum removed.
I thought an anal fistula was something completely different.
High Steppers of the Week
Police step in human feces during two arrests in Paso Robles
Paso Robles Police Department arrested two people involved in mail theft and drug possession in Paso Robles Tuesday night.
Police arrest Jennifer Cavish and John Bell, both are residents of Bakersfield.
On Tuesday night around 10 p.m., a Paso Robles police officers was patrolling the neighborhoods of Meadowlark when the officer saw a truck parked at the end of meadowlark near Airport Road in Paso Robles.
Officers made contact with the people inside, Cavish and Bell.
During a probation search, officers quickly realize they stepped in a pile of human waste before discovering hundreds of mail and Amazon packages.
Officers found that they were stolen from Southeast Paso Robles.
Officers also located meth, shaved car keys, burglary tools, license plates and a homemade community mailbox master key.
Officers concluded that the key was used to access several community boxes in Paso Robles.
Officers found additional homemade labeled mailbox master keys for Tulare, Visalia and Bakersfield.
Both Bell and Cavish were arrested on charges related to the thefts.
What about charges related to the shit?
‘Poo bandit’ Michael Makdessi fined $1700 after defecating on Sydney law firm’s doorstep
A man caught doing a number two on the doorstep of a Sydney law firm before stealing the CCTV camera that recorded the act has been fined $1700 and copped a two-year community correction order.
Michael Makdessi told a magistrate he had no other option than to defecate at that location last October because there were no toilets available…
The 33-year-old had worked as a barber nearby and it is understood Makdessi had previously been asked not to smoke outside their office.
Magistrate Tim Keady dismissed the excuse that Makdessi had no alternatives.
“As to your assertion that you were caught short, that is so puerile, it’s laughable,” the magistrate said.
“I think you were thinking at the time. I think it was a deliberate act.”
He did it because he didn’t want to mess his legal briefs.
Consumer Confidence of the Week
Hindu group in India consumes cow urine to ward off coronavirus
Believing that cow urine can ward off coronavirus, a Hindu group in India reportedly hosted a cow urine drinking party Saturday to test their belief.
The cow is sacred to many Hindus and some drink cow urine believing it has medicinal purposes.
But experts have repeatedly asserted that cow urine does not cure illnesses like cancer and there is no evidence that it can prevent coronavirus…
The party hosted by Akhil Bharat Hindu Mahasabha (All India Hindu Union) drew a crowd of 200 people in New Delhi, according to Reuters.
“We have been drinking cow urine for 21 years, we also take bath in cow dung. We have never felt the need to consume English medicine,” Om Prakash, an attendee [said].
If you smell like cow shit and have cow piss breath, nobody will get close enough to transmit the coronavirus.
WTF? of the Week
Barack Obama’s Twitter account follows ‘busty cougar’ hardcore porn star
Porn star Sara Jay began trending on Twitter this weekend after fans noticed former President of the United States, Barack Obama followed her on the social media platform.
Twitter users went into a frenzy as fans of the adult film star began discussing why the family man’s account was linked to the porn star’s, resulting in her name trending on Twitter.
Sara has starred in a number of hardcore films and is known as being a ‘busty cougar’ and ‘one of the most curvaceous adult film stars’.
One hilarious user wrote: “I don’t know about you, but seeing Sara Jay trending made me feel even more connected to @BarackObama. My man.”
Another joked: “Sara Jay – Obama thought he was logged in to his incognito account.”
Amongst the tweets, one Twitter user came to a revelation and wrote: “I just saw Sara Jay trending and learned the former President Barack Obama follows Sara Jay on Twitter, I guess even the president likes big t*t*ies.”
No, he likes women who look like men.
