The county of Los Angeles and the state of California have placed all residents on lockdown to slow the speed of liberal stupidity, which is much appreciated. Unfortunately Def-Con News world headquarters is in the county of LA and the people’s Republic of Kalifornia so I have been quarantined. I thought I’d share my ordeal with the rest of you so you know what might be coming your way.
At first, I thought everything was going to be like Mad Max or 28 Days Later, but in reality it’s more like this, from Strange Brew:
All of the bowling alleys are closed and there’s plenty of mutants around, but they were here in SoCal way before coronavirus. In any case, this is what I did on the first day of the lockdown:
7:30am – Woke up, took a shit, ate breakfast which was a reasonable homemade version of a Sausage McMuffin with egg.
8:30am – walked the dog with my wife. Encountered 2 unidentifiable breed dogs named Pixie and Dixie, gave them both treats and went on our way. Soon after, confronted 2 weimaraners named Winston and Belle. Dogs played and then continued. On the way home, crossed paths with a yellow lab named Luna. Luna’s owner wanted to give me a hug because it’s my birthday, but due to California regulations had to deny the human contact.
9:30am – Fed dog
9:31-11am – Looked for something interesting to write about but it was all coronavirus-related and boring.
11am – 12pm: In defiance of martial law, 3 dogs came over to play with my pooch in the back yard. Opal, Maui, and Stardust played for an hour with my doggy Phasma and they all got fancy-ass treats from a K-9 bakery that for some reason isn’t shut down.
12pm – Ate lunch. Fed lunch to both doggy and kitty.
1pm – 3pm – Looked for for something to write but it was all coronavirus-related and boring. Decided to write about coronavirus anyway and posted 3 articles on Def-Con News.
3pm – 5:30pm – Brother-in-law came over to drink beer. Drank beer and doggies played. Drank some more beer.
6pm – Made guacamole/bacon/Swiss burgers and then ate them. Fed dog. Gave her a little bit of hamburger, but no guacamole because that’s bad for dogs.
7pm – Went to brother-in-law’s house to do shots and let dogs play some more. Also drank another beer.
8pm – Came home, watched news, and learned that almost everything I did during the day was illegal. Chose not to care.
This is by far the weirdest thing I’ve ever experienced, but generally speaking, people in my neighborhood are making the best of it. Everyone is out and being friendly. Most people are out of work and agree this is ridiculous. I have yet to encounter a neighbor who thinks the coronavirus is any worse than the flu and none of us understands why we have to be put in a time-out by the f*cking government.
The good news is, since the Northridge earthquake in 1993, I’ve been a prepper. I have months of food and water, enough ammo to take out a moderate zombie apocalypse, and plenty of alcohol to make this bullshit lockdown somewhat tolerable.
I hope the rest of you are doing well, keeping safe, and still have jobs. A month from now, all of this crap is going to seem insane when the coronavirus turns out to be a bad case of the flu and not the extinction-level event the liberal media wants us t belief it is.
On day 2 of this California lock-down I plan on hiking with the wife, grilling up some Louisiana hot-links, and drinking more beer. I’ll spare you the mundane details of my quarantine tomorrow.
