The communist China virus has the United States effectively shut down and it don’t get any more WTF? than that. Fortunately there was still a few non-coronavirus things going on to help remind us that crazy never sleeps, even in a global pandemic:
Headline of the Week
Irishman’s fart set off carbon monoxide alarm after St. Patrick’s Day pints
An Irishman’s fart allegedly set off the carbon monoxide alarm in one couple’s Dublin apartment following a St. Patrick’s Day “rake of pints”, in 2019.
On March 18, Ziz O’Beirne shared in what is now a viral tweet that her “boyfriend set off our Co2 alarm after a fart.”
Hi
My boyfriend set off our Co2 alarm after a fart.
Now we have a man dressed as a ghost buster from Gas Networks Ireland roaming around our apartment at 7AM on a Bank Holiday Monday.
Is this what happens when you live with a boy? Help pls.
— Ziz O’Beirne (@Zizzyob) March 18, 2019
This man is now going around our apartment block waking up our neighbours and checking their boilers.
Good to be cautious but deep down I know the cause of this whole ordeal was a rake of pints and an alarm that was too closely placed to my boyfriend’s side of the bed.
— Ziz O’Beirne (@Zizzyob) March 18, 2019
Great, now liberals are going to shame us for our carbon assprint.
Mr. T of the Week
Man charged with repeatedly whipping out alleged penis on the T
Transit Police report arresting an East Boston man they say made a point of showing his genitals to women on the T – once while possibly freeing up one hand to video his victim’s reaction.
According to police, Farid Ennagi, 44, took out his penis on a Green Line trolley and “committed a lewd act” in front of a woman, around 3:30 p.m. on Jan. 31. He repeated his performance around 4:10 p.m. the same day on a Green Line trolley near Kenmore Square. “The victim also reported she believed the suspect male video taped her reaction,” police say.
Around 4 p.m. on March 12, this time on the Blue Line, police say, Ennagi “positioned himself directly in front of the victim and exposed his genitals to her” before exiting at Maverick.
Police say that detectives zeroed in on Ennagi and arrested him at Maverick station yesterday on a charge of open and gross behavior.
I pity the fool who don’t like looking at my junk.
Exposure of the Week
Man in court for ‘sitting naked with an erect penis in church’
Carl Boers is charged with two counts of indecent exposure, one count of exposure and a further count of committing an act outraging public decency.
Prosecutors claim that the 24-year-old of Gainsborough Green, Abingdon, carried out the four lewd acts at various locations in Oxfordshire on March 3.
It is alleged that he performed a sex act in front of a garden in Culham and also in Clifton Hampden.
Boers is also accused of ‘sitting naked with an erect penis in the church of Sutton Courtenay’ as well as exposing his genitals in Nuneham Courtenay.
No formal plea has yet been entered and he will appear for the first time at Oxford Magistrates’ Court tomorrow, where the allocation of the case will be decided.
He’ll do well when the bailiff says “all rise.”
Rupture of the Week
Washington man sues bungee jump company for ruptured testicle
A Deschutes County bungee jump outfitter is being sued by a Washington man who ruptured a testicle in a 2018 jump, according to a suit filed in Deschutes County Circuit Court.
On July 22, 2018, Joshua Hughes, of Edgewood, Washington, was visiting family in Central Oregon. They decided to go bungee jumping and picked Central Oregon Bungee Adventures, which operates at the PS Ogden State Park on a bridge 300 feet above the Crooked River near Terrebonne.
Hughes signed paperwork and paid a fee, the suit states. A COBA representative fitted him with a safety harness. He walked out to the jump platform, and a bungee cord was attached to his harness.
“As Mr. Hughes neared the bottom of the fall, the cord tightened and the weight of Mr. Hughes’ body applied force onto the safety harness,” the suit states. “The harness at that point was positioned over his testicle and the force caused it to rupture.”
Hughes experienced “severe and prolonged” pain, and continued to with each subsequent bounce up and down after the initial descent, his complaint states.
Proof that bungee cord jumping is nuts.
Missing Clam of the Week
MRKH syndrome: ‘The day I discovered I was born without a vagina’
I was born with a condition called Mayer-Rokitansky-Küster-Hauser syndrome (MRKH), where you have no womb or vagina, and you can also find yourself with just one kidney.
A woman who has MRKH can never get periods.
I don’t have a uterus, so I’ve never had periods. This is the normal that I know, I don’t feel bad about it.
I discovered I had the syndrome when I was a 17-year-old school student.
I went to hospital as I had problem with my legs, which were swollen. The first thing the doctor asked me was when I last had my period. I had never had one.
They did a scan. The first image indicated that my reproductive tract was closed from the outside.
I went through an operation to open it, which was not successful.
I had another scan that showed I had no uterus or vagina, and that was when I was diagnosed with MRKH.
As I had studied biology, I understood what the doctor was saying that first time.
Ironically, people describe her as an insufferable c*nt.
Bernie Bro of the Week
Massage therapist touched woman’s breasts and intimate parts to ‘prevent cancer’
A massage therapist claimed to have developed his own version of tuina after about 40 years of “research” into the traditional Chinese therapeutic massage.
But when a woman sought Willet Ong Tat Kee for help with her chronic back pain in 2016, he went further and touched her in her intimate parts, claiming that he could prevent breast and cervical cancers.
Ong molested the woman on four separate occasions in 2016.
The 32-year-old victim, who cannot be named due to a gag order, only sensed that something was amiss on her final visit on Nov 30 that year when Ong touched her genitals.
On Thursday (March 19), District Judge Kessler Soh found Ong, 67, guilty of four counts of molestation after a trial.
A fifth charge of operating a massage establishment without a valid licence is still pending and will be dealt with at a later date.
Bernie Sanders thinks orgasms cure cervical cancer and he’s a U.S. Senator.
Hit of the Week
Senetisiwe Ginindza said she was both “physically and mentally” weighed down by her “watermelon” breasts that weighed 6.5lbs each as she suffered from gigantomastia.
The 23-year-old’s boobs were so heavy that she eventually had to stop wearing bras entirely as the straps left her with painful blisters on her shoulders.
It even got the point where Senetisiwe feared leaving her home as she was inundated with lewd comments from strangers who would touch her without her permission and ask whether her breasts were fake.
The poetry perfomer, based in Midrang, South Africa, said: “I was 15 when my breasts suddenly grew very large in a short space of time and when I started wearing a bra I was a D cup.”
Explaining how her breasts interfered with everyday life, she said: “I’ve always been very tiny with a small waist so when they grew they weren’t in proportion with my body, they were like watermelons.
“When going down the stairs or even walking they’d clap against each other which was very uncomfortable – I had to hold them all the time as they were big and hanging.
“Running was very painful as they’d bounce up and down and be up in my face.”
What’s more, Senetisiwe says her boobs also made her feel insecure in the bedroom.
She added: “I would be very insecure about having intimate encounters with my partners because my breasts were so big and I didn’t know how they’d react.
“They’d hit my face and I’d have to hold them because my back was always in pain because they were so heavy.
In terms of practicality, it’ll come as no surprise that Senetisiwe struggled to find bras for her I-cup breasts.
Spell “I-cup”: I see you pee. Speaking of which…
Borat of the Week
A family-of-three have been taken for mental health examinations after police found hundreds of plastic bottles with urine stored in their apartment.
Parents and their adult son, named Zhenya, had been relieving themselves into bottles for a year after having their utilities cut off for unpaid bills in the city of Aktau, southwestern Kazakhstan.
They were reported to the police by their neighbours who were tired of the unbearable stench coming from their home.
Police had to use a crowbar to break in after the owners refused to cooperate and open the front door.
Entering the room, shocked officers saw hundreds of plastic bottles filled with urine and stored on the floor, reports said.
Pictures of the apartment taken by local media show a mountain of rotting clothes in the middle of a room and urine stored in the filthy kitchen.
The inhabitants of the ‘house of horror’ explained to law enforcement they started to urinate into bottles a year ago after having utilities turned off for failure to pay.
During this time, they collected about 300 gallons (1,300 liters) of urine, according to local media.
This is Natalya. She is my sister. She is number 1 prostitute in all of Kazakhstan.
Employee of the Week
Jailed: man who masturbated over supervisor’s food, took upskirt videos of her
A man took upskirt videos of his female supervisor, and also exposed his penis over her food and masturbated.
The man then repacked the food, which came into contact with his penis, and brought it to the supervisor, who ate the food unwittingly.
The 39-year-old man was sentenced to 15 weeks’ jail on Wednesday (18 March) after he pleaded guilty to six charges of insulting the modesty of a woman, and one count each of obstructing the course of justice and committing mischief. Nine counts of insulting the modesty of a woman were taken into consideration for sentencing.
Both the man and the female victim, 43, cannot be named to protect her identity.
Since 2009, the man began using his mobile phone to take upskirt videos of his colleagues and other women. He would then masturbate to these videos and store them for further viewing.
After joining a company, the man began to prey on his supervisor. Without her knowledge, he recorded their face-to-face conversations, and gradually began taking upskirt videos and photos of her while she was standing near him or seated across from him.
He took obscene photographs on at least six occasions.
On 13 July 2018, the man bought a packet of food for the victim for lunch. At about 2pm, the man opened the packet, exposed his penis and started masturbating while positioning his penis above the food. His penis touched the woman’s food. He then closed the packet and gave the victim her food, which she ate.
Did she order the cream of some young guy? If so, this is not a crime.
Thank You of the Week
Florida man who was peeing all over room attacks good Samaritan who tried to stop him, police say
A drunk Florida man thanked a good Samaritan who gave him a place to stay when he couldn’t get home by peeing all over his bedroom and then attacking him, according to the Melbourne Police Department.
The victim said he was at a party in downtown Melbourne on Saturday when he met Colin Geib, who he described as a friend of a friend.
Geib, 23, was drunk, didn’t have a way to get home and couldn’t provide his address so the victim took him back to his place so he could have “a safe place to be,” records show.
The victim allowed Geib to sleep in room and he went to sleep in another room for the night.
Sunday morning, the victim heard noises from the house and found Geib “peeing everywhere in the room,” according to the affidavit.
Police said the victim repeatedly asked Geib to leave but Geib wouldn’t and instead became upset and turned violent.
“He came at me with his (penis) out and attacked me,” the victim said, according to the affidavit.
Geib — who is 6 feet tall and 170 pounds — punched the man multiple times, attempted to choke him and pushed him into a wall before the victim was able to wrestle Geib out the front door and call police, records show.
When asked about the incident, Geib said, “You heard the whole story, there is nothing I need to tell you” and asked, “Why am I here,” according to authorities.
Police said they found blood at the front door, holes in the walls and a room saturated with urine.
This is why you don’t rent rooms out on Air Pee ‘N Pee.
Card Shark of the Week
‘I’m not going to lie, it’s cocaine:’ Florida man tries to eat stolen debit card, deputies say
A Florida man was caught using the stolen credit card of a dead man and was then seen trying to eat the card to destroy evidence before he was questioned by deputies, according to an arrest report.
Orange County deputies said they were called to Disney Springs Monday for the report of a man trying to purchase jewelry and gift cards with a fraudulent debit card.
When they arrived, deputies said they saw Jose Herrera, 27, detained by Disney security, making strange movements with his hand inside his pocket. Upon investigation, deputies said they found a baggie of a white powdery substance in Herrera’s pocket.
When questioned about the contents of the baggie, Herrera was up front with deputies: “I’m not going to lie, it’s cocaine,” he said, according to an arrest report.
Other law enforcement who witnessed the incident told deputies they saw Herrera try to eat the fraudulent card in an attempt to destroy the evidence before he could be questioned.
Honesty is the best policy.
WTF? of the Week
Man had sex with a dolphin called Dolly for a year – and claimed she seduced him
Malcolm Brenner is a self-confessed zoophile who claims he had an affair with a dolphin called Dolly after SHE seduced HIM.
Now 68, Malcolm was still a student when he embarked on the ‘relationship’ with the bottle-nosed dolphin in the 1970s.
He has written a novel, Wet Goddess, which tells the story of a young man who has a sexual relationship with a dolphin, Ruby, while he’s working at a theme park.
Malcolm has admitted the book is autobiographical and based on his own experiences.
He said: “I wrote this book for dolphins because we are mistreating these animals by keeping them in captivity.”
Malcolm claims to have been in his early 20s when he started his relationship with Dolly.
He was a keen photographer and was allowed to take pictures in the pool at a former theme park in Sarasota Florida, where he lived.
The student was allowed to swim with the dolphins and soon formed a close bond with Dolly.
He said: “I was given free access to the dolphins and I became friends with her by going swimming with her. She was very special.”
Malcolm claims Dolly “announced her intentions towards him” by positioning herself so he was rubbing against her.
He added: “At first I discouraged her, I wasn’t interested. After some time I thought ‘if this was a woman would I come up with these rationalisations and excuses’?”
Malcolm insists Dolly became “more and more aggressive” in her pursuit of him.
He said: “I found that extraordinarily erotic. It’s like being with a tiger or a bear. This is an animal that could kill you in two seconds if it wanted to.”
Then, one night after the theme park had closed, Malcolm says he and Dolly “eluded the male dolphin” so they could spend time alone and eventually had sex for the first time.
He explained: “There’s something quite transcendental about making love with a dolphin.”
Malcolm has always stressed there was nothing abusive about his relationship with Dolly and that dolphins “basically have free will”.
He added: “What is repulsive about a relationship where both partners feel and express love for each other?
“I know what I’m talking about here because after we made love, the dolphin put her snout on my shoulder, embraced me with her flippers and we stared into each others’ eyes for about a minute.”
“This was not some dog trying to hump my leg, okay. This was a 400-lb. wild-born female dolphin. She was an awesome creature.”
I could see maybe a smallmouth bass, but this seems like a lie.
