The whole country is on lockdown, the liberal media is spewing Chinese Communist Party propaganda, the democrats are trying to impeach President Trump over coronavirus, and people are going effing crazy. Everything seems normal, but there were a few unusual WTF? moments this week:
Headline of the Week
Boda boda rider shot in buttocks for defying curfew
A boda boda cyclist only known as Vincent was yesterday shot and injured by police in Kisimbiri trading centre, Wakiso district for defying curfew directives issued by President Yoweri Museveni on Monday.
Kampala Metropolitan Police spokesperson, Patrick Onyango said the 30-year-old Vincent was shot in the buttocks on Tuesday night after he was waved down several times by security in vain and instead tried to knock down enforcement officers.
According to Onyango, when Vincent fell down, he tried to wrestle down a police officer identified as Isaac Kabos prompting his colleague Stephen Wafula to open fire.
In his statement, Onyango says they have opened assault charges against the suspect who was rushed to Mulago national referral hospital for treatment as they wait to interview him to ascertain his real motive.
Museveni imposed a 7pm-6.30 am countrywide curfew in addition to the lockdown among other measures to mitigate the spread of the coronavirus in the country. Uganda currently has 44 confirmed cases, nearly all of them imported cases.
Shot through the ass, you’re out too late, you give boda boda a bad name.
Paint Stripper of the Week
Stripper uses her boobs and vagina to create colorful $400 paintings
A STRIPPER-turned-artist who uses her breasts and vagina as painting tools earns a whopping $400 per painting.
Chelsea Chavis, 29, from New Orleans, who spends her nights on the pole, says that she hopes “her boobs end up all over the world”.
This busty beauty goes under the moniker of ‘Heaux’ and has been peddling her unique creations online.
“I’ve had several local orders in New Orleans, I sent one to Oregon and I’m sending one to Canada!
“Hopefully, my boobs end up all over the world.” says Chelsea.
Customers who buy Chelsea’s paintings don’t just get a work of art, they also get to watch the creative process.
She explained: “I send a Polaroid of me painting and a short video of me painting with every purchase, and I have every sized canvas available with prices ranging from $40-$400.
“I’m open to anything that someone wants or they can order something I already have. Chelsea has wisely taken into account the sensitivity of her feminine areas and uses non-toxic acrylic paint.
“I don’t have any skin reactions from the consistent use of this” but admits: “I’ll have to keep doing research on what the best paint is for sensitive areas in case anything starts to get irritated”.
She added: “As a woman, these days when it seems like all of society is telling us how to feel about and what to do with our bodies, I want to celebrate my lady parts and make something beautiful, humorous, and maybe even a bit shocking with them.”
You should see the masterpieces I created with my paint balls gun.
Crank Yanker of the Week
Woman wanted for killing lover by pulling his penis in Ebonyi
Ebonyi State police command has declared one Chinenye Okoro wanted for allegedly killing her lover, one Ifeanyi Okoro, during a misunderstanding over allegation of infidelity.
Daily Sun gathered that the jealous woman killed the man by pulling his penis till he gave up the ghost.
The incident took place on Tuesday at the man’s house in Akaeze community of Ivo Local Government Area of Ebonyi State.
Sources in the area told Daily Sun that the two lovers were always fighting and threatening to kill each other over mutual suspicion of cheating.
The Police Public Relations Officer for Ebonyi police command, DSP Loveth Odah, who confirmed the incident to newsmen in Abakaliki on Thursday evening said the suspect fled the scene after committing the crime.
Odah disclosed that preliminary investigation carried out by the police revealed that the deceased was a boyfriend to the suspect and that she killed him during a misunderstanding.
Now we know why Long Duk Dong said, “No more yanky my wanky.”
Southern Exposure of the Week
Man accused of sexual battery of bed-bound elderly woman and teen
A Monroe man is facing multiple obscenity and sexual battery charges after he fondled two women and exposed himself.
According to an arrest report for John Aaron Armstrong Jr., age 47, officers were dispatched to an address on South Grand and learned Armstrong placed his hands in an elderly, bed-bound woman’s adult diaper and fondled her vagina.
Per the report, he also touched a teen’s breasts and vaginal area through her clothing.
While in a bedroom with the two victims and an additional person, Armstrong allegedly pulled down his pants and underwear and exposed himself to all three.
Officers took Armstrong into custody, and he denied any knowledge of the events.
Armstrong was booked into Ouachita Correctional Center Thursday on one count sexual battery of the infirm, two counts misdemeanor sexual battery and three counts obscenity.
They should tack on a charge for not following social distancing guidelines.
Jihad Doctor of the Week
NAPTIP nabs imam with PhD for sodomy
The National Agency for the Prohibition of Trafficking in Persons and other related offences on Wednesday said its men had arrested a 42-year-old pharmacist, Abubarkar Danraka, for alleged sodomy.
A statement by an official of the Press Unit of NAPTIP, Osamuyi Oyegun, said Danraka who had a PhD, was arrested after he allegedly had anal sexual intercourse with a 12-year-old boy (name withheld).
He added that Danraka, who hails from Zaria, Kaduna State is also an imam in the mosque within his estate.
The suspect was said to appear friendly and offered the victim a glass of water which the boy took and later began to feel weak.
“In that state of weakness, the suspect overpowered him, laid him on a red settee in his sitting room and forced his penis into his (victim) anus.
“After the suspect was done, he asked him to go home with a stern warning not to mention what had happened to anyone.
“On getting home, his mother scolded him about his whereabouts but noticed her son was uneasy. She took him into the room questioned him and he opened up about what had happened to him.
“The victim said his mother checked his body and saw sperm content and bruises around his anus region. She and the father rushed him to the National Hospital, Abuja where he was admitted. The victim was discharged on Thursday, March 26, 2020 after spending five days in the hospital,” the statement read.
Islam is the religion of peace and gay child rape, but for some reason liberals always leave out the second part.
Crack of the Week
Wanaparthy cops crack needles inside toddler’s body case
The mystery of 11 syringe needles found inside the body of a toddler in Veepanagandla which had shocked one and all was solved by the police, who arrested and sent the perpetrators of the heinous crime for judicial remand.
On March 2, the doctors of Wanaparthy Government Hospital were shocked to see around 11 needles around the waist of Loknath (3), son of Annapurna an d Ashok, both residents of Veepanagandla mandal headquarters. The doctors had then tried to remove some needles which could be seen protruding from his anus and had successfully removed the remaining needles after surgery on the toddler.
The parents of the victim were suspicious about two of their relatives named Alivela and Chinna Anjaneyulu, who used to take their son out sometimes. It all came true this week, after Waheed Ali Baig, Sub-Inspector of Police, Veepanagandla police station, has disclosed that the two accused had conspired to eliminate the toddler, as they had some property disputes with the victim’s parents and they had thought that by eliminating the heir to the property, they could claim the right to property. Hence, they had pierced the syringe needles inside the toddler’s body.
This is the worst episode of Scooby Doo ever.
Plume of the Week
Scientists say coronavirus can spread through ‘aerosolized feces’
Closing the toilet lid is highly recommended amid the coronavirus outbreak, according to a report, as a group of researchers have found that the bug can spread through fecal matter that escapes from the bowl during a flush.
The disease caused by the coronavirus, which scientists had already warned can be spread from fecal-oral transmission, can also be transmitted via “aerosolized feces,” according to Forbes, citing a study published by the Association for Professionals in Infection Control and Epidemiology.
Aerosolized feces can be propelled into the air through what’s called a toilet plume — the spread of aerosols, sometimes containing infectious fecal matter, caused by a flush.
“Close the lid and then flush,” a mechanical engineering professor from Purdue University, Dr. Qingyan Chen, told Forbes. He said it was a simple solution to help control the spread of the disease through toilet plumes.
What do you want to bet that people will start putting the lid down before shitting and the liberal media will blame Trump?
Mall Rats of the Week
Naked couple found wrestling in car outside Florida mall during fight about ‘pee napkin,’ police say
Police say a couple found naked and wrestling in their car parking outside a Florida mall got into a fight about a “pee napkin” after they had sex.
Witnesses called 911 around 9 p.m. Sunday when they spotted 21-year-old Robert Janisch, of Minnesota, and his girlfriend engaged in a naked fight and when deputies arrived, they separated the two and noticed the woman had some injuries to her neck, according to the Clearwater Police Department.
Officers said the woman told them that she and her boyfriend had sex in a car outside the Clearwater Mall and after, she needed to urinate so she stepped out of the car, did so, and used a napkin to wipe herself clean but then accidentally tossed the napkin onto Janisch.
An argument started as soon as he got back into the vehicle with Janisch yelling at her for throwing the “pee napkin” at him, records show.
Things turned physical when Janisch choked the woman for a few seconds, causing her breathing to be restricted until she was able to yell for help, according to the affidavit.
Police said Janisch admitted that the two had been drinking and he got mad when she threw the “pee napkin” at him, but he wouldn’t say how the fight turned physical and claimed the injuries to her neck might have happened earlier in the day when they were at the beach.
The Florida Supreme Court recently rule “the beach strangled my girlfriend” defense to be valid.
Destroyer of the Week
Swedish man creates giant snow penis to say sorry for destroying smaller snow penis
It started with a crude drawing in snow that appeared over the weekend in the Swedish city of Gothenburg.
It looked like this:
After images of the drawing circulated online many people complained. So local resident Emilian Sava decided to do something about it.
He went down to the canal and scrubbed the image away:
But Emilian Sava had no idea the snow penis was so popular to some residents of the Swedish city. A Facebook group was even created in its honour.
“I started really feeling sorry for them because they really missed their penis,” he told As It Happens host Carol Off.
So Sava decided to make amends.
“In the middle of the night, I wake up, I went to the computer and I write to them: ‘I’m really sorry that I deleted your penis.'”
The next day, Sava got out his snow-blower and drew an even bigger snow penis.
He says it may well be the biggest snow penis in the world. But he hopes, not for long.
“I think people around the world are thinking, and they will do much bigger penises than this one,” he said. “This is only the start.”
He even included the Swedish meatballs.
G.O.A.T. of the Week
Herd of goats take over deserted Welsh streets as locals obey coronavirus lockdown rules
A HERD of goats have taken over a deserted town sparking a cop callout as officers tried to remove the animals.
The 12-strong group was spotted on Friday evening running around Llandudno, North Wales, as locals obeying curfew laws.
North Wales Police arrived in a patrol car and tried to chase them back to the Great Orme where they are believed to have come from.
Footage showed them wandering around the ghost town and nibbling on locals’ hedges as no-one could come out to stop them.
The Great Orme goats are well known troublemakers in the area and were blasted as “vandals” by local headmaster Ian Jones earlier this month.
Those Planet of the Apes movies were way off.
WTF of the Week
Andrew Cuomo’s nipples take our minds off coronavirus
Andrew Cuomo looks like he’s ready for action — at a Jersey Shore nightclub.
The governor set the internet on fire Tuesday with wild speculation that two bizarre protrusions seen poking out from under his shirt were actually nipple rings.
Twitter and Reddit users furiously debated just what was going on under Cuomo’s official white polo — but his spokesman threw a big bucket of cold water on the idea that the 62-year-old public servant was into some wild piercing.
“Is it just me or is Cuomo’s nipple totally pierced?,” read one tweet on Saturday, which turned into a Reddit thread that attempted to get to the bottom of the issue.
“There’s definitely something going on under there,” one user wrote, with another dubbing the possible piercings “the single greatest discovery by humanity.”
Some cyber-sleuths tried to find alternate theories, like maybe Cuomo tapes his nipples to prevent chafing, or that they are unusually shaped.
Or maybe it was just a bit nippy that day.
Now we have to worry about coronavirus and Cuomo’s freaks nipples.
