With the coronavirus lockdown, crime has dropped significantly but unfortunately so have idiocy and lunacy rates. Nobody is out there mutilating genitals, shoving weird things up their butts, or banging miniature horses. The biggest WTF? this week is the near collapse of the WTF? industry. There were a few things but it’s slim pickins:
Headline of the Week
SLC man found covered in blood told police he had fought ‘the terminator and killed him’
A 58-year-old man is dead. The suspect, covered in blood, told police he had killed “the terminator,” records state.
Police were first made aware of the suspect, 54-year-old William Bradley, Friday afternoon on reports of a golf cart stolen from maintenance workers at the Jefferson School Apartment complex located at 1099 South West Temple.
The property manger followed the suspect (later identified as Bradley) in the stolen golf cart to the area of 1300 South Main Street, arresting records state. “[The property manager] told dispatch the suspect had blood all over him,” police records read.
When police arrived on scene and arrested Bradley, the property manager told them he lived in the apartment complex. Bradley stated he had “been in a fight with the terminator and killed him.”
Officers went to do a welfare check in his apartment “due to the amount of blood on [Bradley].” That’s when police say they found 58-year-old Robert Carter’s body.
Investigators say the two did not live together or have “prior relations.”
Bradley was taken into custody and sent to the hospital to take care of his minor cuts. Arresting documents state he assaulted an ER doctor, two security guards, and an SLCPD officer.
He was later booked into Salt Lake County Jail for murder, theft of a vehicle, assault against a police officer, assault on a health care provider, assault by a prisoner, and two other counts of assault.
He won’t be back.
Ass of the Week
Jordanian Islamic Scholar Ahmad Al-Shahrouri has claimed that people living in the West suffer from diseases like the Chinese Coronavirus because they do not wash their buttocks with water after performing their excretory functions as Muslims do.
The Islamic Scholar appeared disgusted by the fact that one could not find a “drop of water” to wash his ‘behind’ when one entered a toilet in the West. It is why Muslims travels in a plane ‘or whatever’, they take some water with them to the lavatories. “Currently, they have run out of toilet paper in the markets,” says the Islamic scholar, “because they do not use water!”
“They are plagued by these diseases, these microbes, and these viruses because they do not clean their filth enough,” Ahmad Al-Shahrouri said. He continued, “Believe me when I tell you that once I traveled to a foreign country, and I had a middle seat on the plane. I sat between two citizens from the country I was traveling to. Believe me… for over two hours- it was a domestic flight… For over two hours, my head almost exploded from the stench that filled my nose! I couldn’t believe it when the flight was finally over and I could leave my seat.”
Ahmad Al-Shahrouri said, “Why is France famous for producing the most luxurious perfumes? It is because they do not use water. They use perfumes to get rid of the filth and foulness of their bodies and of the odours that stick to them. Oh Muslim, you should praise Allah for making you perform ablution.”
Anyone who has ever taken a cab with a Muslim driver would disagree that hygiene is a priority for these people. And their eating habits ain’t much better either:
Snack of the Week
DYKER HEIGHTS MURDER SUSPECT ALLEGEDLY KILLED AND ATE DAD, TURNING HOME INTO HORRIFIC CRIME SCENE
A 26-year-old allegedly stabbed his father to death in their Dyker Heights home early Wednesday morning and may have partially eaten him, police sources say.
“It’s one of the worst crime scenes I’ve ever seen. He was missing body parts — we don’t know where they are,” one high-ranking cop said.
The suspect, Khaled Ahmad, allegedly went into a Dyker Heights bagel shop sometime before 4:20 am on April 15, and told cops that he had killed and eaten his father, another law enforcement source said.
“The suspect went up to two officers that were at the bagel shop and he told them he killed his father. I was informed that he ate his father as well,” the source said.
Police went to the victim’s house on 84th Street near 14th Avenue — a well-groomed, quiet block of Dyker Heights — where they found the grisly scene.
Upon their arrival, officers saw 57-year-old Imad Ahmad, unconscious and unresponsive, with multiple stab wounds to his body. The body was also mutilated, cops said.
First responders pronounced the victim dead at the scene. The younger man was taken into custody.
The 26-year-old is said to be unemployed and had been sheltering in place at the home. One law enforcement source said he had a history of emotional disturbance.
A great indicator that it’s time to end this lockdown.
Scoop of the Week
Woman in ‘abandoned tent’ in St. Paul injured by construction equipment
A worker operating heavy construction with a front-end bucket scooped up a woman who was inside a tent in St. Paul.
It happened outside Arlington Hills Recreation Center located at 1200 Payne Ave. around 2:15 p.m. Wednesday, according to St. Paul Police Department. The Pioneer Press reports that workers were cleaning up at a homeless encampment at the time.
Officers arrived at the scene and found a 49-year-old woman who had sustained “significant injuries.”
Police said “a worker was sent to the Rec center to remove an abandoned tent” and “he did not look into the tent to see if it was occupied.”
“He began to remove the tent with a utility vehicle equipped with a front bucket,” police reported. “While in the process of picking up the tent with the machine he noticed that someone was in the tent.”
The worker then checked on the woman and called 911.
The woman was listed in stable condition at Regions Hospital on Thursday.
When you become indistinguishable from garbage, maybe it’s time to reassess your life.
Crap Sheet of the Week
Three suspected thieves have been apprehended in connection with what Port Hueneme police on Wednesday called a “heinous toilet paper caper.”
On Monday afternoon, a patrol officer was “rolling through” the Port City Plaza Shopping Center parking lot when he spotted an open alcoholic container near the front dashboard of an occupied vehicle, according to a Port Hueneme Police Department Facebook post.
The three people inside the car were all discovered to be on probation, prompting officers to search the vehicle.
What they found, police said in the cheeky Facebook post, “should make you flush with anger.”
Officers recovered 31 rolls of toilet paper, 27 tissue boxes, 31 towels of various sizes and four sets of bed sheets — all allegedly stolen from a maid’s cart at a local hotel, according to authorities.
The suspects tried to make a “clean getaway,” and police confirmed “they didn’t leave any skid marks when they fled the crime scene,” the post read.
Nevertheless, police nabbed the trio — a woman and two men — after the discovery of the items. They arrested Jessica Perez, 25, of Oxnard; Stephen Talley, Jr., 25, of Port Hueneme; and Tyson Castillo, 32 of Oxnard.
All could face petty theft charges in connection with the incident, according to police.
“We can’t be soft on crime when dealing with these dingle berries who’ll stop at nothing to clog our streets with this type of behavior,” the Facebook post stated.
“We’re aware that this isn’t the crime of the century, but it’s a solid #2,” police joked.
In related news, the Pun Police arrested the entire Port Hueneme PD.
Leatherface of the Week
Suspects identified in Houghton County home invasion
A man and a woman, chased off by a Houghton County homeowner defending his property with a chainsaw, face first-degree home invasion charges.
Forty-year-old Sasha Joy Anderson of South Range and 32-year-old Christopher William Darmofal of Warren were arraigned Monday morning in Houghton County District Court.
First-degree home invasion is a felony with a maximum penalty of 20 years in prison.
Darmofal is also charged with carrying a concealed weapon, felonious assault and malicious destruction of personal property.
The Houghton County Sheriff’s Office says around 4:00 a.m. Saturday in South Range, Darmofal pulled a knife on a man inside his home. The man defended himself with a chainsaw, and Darmofal and Anderson ran away. Deputies found them at another home in South Range.
Unfortunately that second home belonged to Freddy Kruger.
Good News of the Week
Bizarre claims that smoking protects against coronavirus despite official advice
Painter David Hockney suggested smokers could have ‘developed an immune system’ to Covid-19 in a letter to The Daily Mail – despite medical professionals urging them to quit during the pandemic.
Mr Hockney, 82 and a keen smoker, has previously described smoking bans in enclosed public spaces as the ‘most grotesque piece of social engineering’.
His letter asks: ‘Could it not be that smokers have developed an immune system to this virus? With all these figures coming out (in) research in China it’s beginning to look like that to me. I’m serious and remember cigars and cigarettes are vegan.’
The newspaper said he was referring to research in China on the numbers of smokers being treated with Covid-19 in hospitals.
So smoking crack would give you coronavirus healing powers? It’s science.
Bad News of the Week
Drinking alcohol can make the coronavirus worse, the WHO says in recommending restricting access
Drinking alcohol can increase the risk of catching Covid-19 and make it worse if you do get it, the World Health Organization said, recommending that government leaders around the world limit access to alcohol during coronavirus lockdowns.
“Alcohol compromises the body’s immune system and increases the risk of adverse health outcomes,” the WHO’s regional office for Europe said on its site late Tuesday, citing heavy alcohol use throughout the continent.
Alcohol consumption is associated with a number of communicable and noncommunicable diseases that can make a person more vulnerable to contracting Covid-19. It can also exacerbate mental health issues and risk-taking behavior and stoke violence, especially in countries that have implemented social distancing measures that largely keep the population quarantined in their homes.
The same assholes who said coronavirus wasn’t communicable now want us to stop drinking while we’re locked down? F*ck science.
Screwdriver of the Week
Bus W***er! Driver caught masturbating at the wheel with passengers on board
A brazen bus driver has been sacked after he was filmed masturbating while passengers were on board.
The careless perv was driving the bus on a route through Lucerne, Switzerland.
But he decided the pleasure himself during the trip to the horror of one woman who filmed the incident.
She sent the footage to the company, Verkehrsbetriebe Luzern (VBL), who immediately cut ties with him.
A pixelated picture printed in local media shows the man with his hand between his legs taken from a reflection in the rear-view mirror inside the bus that allows the driver to see the passengers – but also the passengers to see the driver.
It is believed the driver felt that he was separated enough to do what he was doing without being seen because of the barrier that had been set up to offer coronavirus protection.
Yet another great indicator that it’s time to end this lockdown.
Shell Game of the Week
Man accused of killing mother, swallowing shell casing to conceal evidence
A 27-year-old man has been charged with multiple felonies including second-degree murder in the April 10 shooting death of his mother in Flint.
Flint police officers were called out shortly after midnight Friday, April 10 to a Cherokee Avenue home for a report of a homicide.
Officers found a 51-year-old woman deceased on the living room couch with a gunshot wound to the head.
The woman’s two adult sons, including a 27-year-old man, were detained at the scene.
Genesee County Prosecutor David Leyton said the man, who has not yet been arraigned, is charged with second-degree murder, tampering with evidence, felon in possession of a firearm, resisting and obstructing police, and three related felony firearm charges.
The tampering with evidence charge resulted from the suspect allegedly ingesting the shell casing from the bullet that killed his mother.
“We think he swallowed it at the scene,” said Leyton.
The suspect gave the shell casing to a Genesee County Jail guard on April 12, officials said.
It was under the middle turd the whole time, sucker.
Curly Q of the Week
‘We’ve had what looks like pubic hairs in our food’: Melbourne couple slams quarantine hotel
A Melbourne couple in quarantine said they felt like “prisoners” in their hotel, claiming they found “what looks like pubic hairs” in their food.
Jack and Lani are currently in forced isolation at the TraveLodge in Docklands, along with 200 other returned travellers.
They say they’ve been served expired food on multiple occasions, saying it’s “worse than a hostel”.
“The only thing we’ve got to look forward to is food at the moment and we’re only getting served food three times a day. The portion sizes are ridiculous, and we’ve had food out of date three or four times so far,” Jack told 3AW.
“We’ve had what looks like pubic hairs in our food.
“It’s worse than a hostel.”
Jack says he wished they’d stayed in Peru.
“At least we got the option to go outside, good quality food and more freedom,” he said.
E Pubis Unum: Out of many pubes, you got one.
WTF? of the Week
Man celebrates birthday in coronavirus lockdown by going out for naked bike ride
A man took full advantage of the lack of people out on the streets at the moment by going for a naked bike ride.
The UK entered coronavirus lockdown on March 23, meaning people are only allowed to go outside for one form of exercise a day, for medical reasons, travelling to or from work if you are a key worker or to shop for “basic necessities”.
With few people about on the street to spot him, the man used up his state-sanctioned exercise outing for the day by going for an early morning cycle on Tuesday (April 14) morning…
Nicky Birchall couldn’t believe her eyes when she saw the man and his companion in Frome, Somerset.
The man in the picture, which was sent to Spotted About Frome on Facebook, is apparently well-known in the area with some identifying him as Dave who was celebrating his 70th birthday.
“I was getting a coffee early in the morning for my drive to work; they rode past me and I think it was 7.45am and only 1C, so it certainly made me chuckle,” said Nicky.
She had to be quick to take a picture but managed to capture the cyclists from the rear as they passed on Locks Hill.
Nicky added: “They didn’t have a care in the world and no, I don’t think they were aware of the photo – am I allowed to take a picture like that?
Best indicator yet that that it’s time to end this lockdown.
