This week liberals have taught us that rape ain’t so bad if you have a “D” after your name, that it’s racist to want to work and provide for your family, and that it will literally kill everyone if you spend some time in the sunshine and fresh air. Here are some other counterintuitive WTF? moments from the past 7 days:
Headline of the Week
Ultra-rare footage from ‘robot spy gorilla’ shows giant apes singing and farting
SINGING mountain gorillas have been caught on camera for the first time by a robot ‘spy’.
The apes ‘broke into song’ as they enjoyed their dinner of leaves.
The ultra-rare footage was filmed by a robotic spy designed to look like a young gorilla.
Human camera operators are supposed to keep a safe distance from wild gorillas.
However, the lifelike animatronic spy robot was able to infiltrate the group and film the gorilla serenade.
The footage it captured shows the great apes relaxing in foliage in a sanctuary in Uganda.
They were caught enjoying a feast of leaves and stems so much that they began to hum.
Lots of leaves also meant that the mealtime was musical in more ways than one.
The apes were filmed farting for almost all of their meal.
The narrator explained that the vast vegetarian diet of the apes means that “they live in a semi-permanent state of flatulence”.
Judging by the smell, I thought New Jersey was the semi-permanent state of flatulence.
Sleazy Rider of the Week
A DAD was left red-faced after a penis-shaped sweat patch appeared on his t-shirt during a family bike ride with their young children.
James Sharp and partner Emma Hill had to hide their laughter from their kids after working up a sweat on a bike ride in the sweltering heat.
Emma, 31, was left in hysterics after they got home and her partner took off his backpack, revealing a risque imprint of sweat on his t-shirt that looked like an enormous male appendage.
The parents had to do some quick thinking when their young daughter noticed that the shape had drawn their attention.
Ms Hill, of Featherstone,West Yorkshire, said: “”My nine-year-old daughter was with us as well. It’s funny because she thinks it’s a nose.
“We haven’t told her it’s a penis.
“She doesn’t understand why we’re laughing so much because she thinks it just looks like a nose. The innocence of a nine-year-old.
She said: “It was such a random thing. He was wearing a normal rucksack, nothing special, with just a couple of drinks and stuff in it.
“He does usually sweat but I’ve never seen a perfect phallus on his back before. He took it off and I said, ‘oh my god James, you’ve got a penis on your back’.
Brokeback Mountain…Biker.
Shit Show of the Week
SWEDISH CITY USES CHICKEN FECES TO KEEP CROWDS AWAY FROM FESTIVAL
A Swedish city has taken unusual measures to put off crowds from attending a festival. The city of Lund is planning to spread chicken manure in its central park to deter citizens from gathering.
Thousands of people usually visit the area to celebrate Walpurgis Night, a traditional holiday celebrated across Scandinavia. This year, officials want to keep people away from Lund because of the coronavirus outbreak, but there is no official lockdown in Sweden.
The chairman of the local council’s environment committee, Gustav Lundblad, told the Sydsvenskan newspaper he believed spreading chicken feces was a good way to deter crowds.
“In light of the fact that we have a situation where Lund could very well become some kind of epicenter for the spread of infection during last April, I think as chairman of the Environment Committee that it was a good initiative,” he said.
“We both get the opportunity to fertilize the lawns in the park and at the same time it will stink and then it may not be so nice to sit and drink beer in the park.”
Lundblad added: “I am not a fertilizer expert, but as I understand it, it is clear that it can smell a bit outside the park as well. It is still chicken manure. But the purpose is to keep people away from the City Park, then I can not guarantee that it is odorless in the rest of the city.”
Trading coronavirus for bird flu seems like a chickenshit move to me.
Loose Goose of the Week
I had a 10-minute vagina tightening treatment because I couldn’t stop weeing after having my kids
GOOD Morning Britain presenter Naomi Isted has revealed she’s had a laser treatment to tighten her vagina because she couldn’t stop weeing after having her second child – and it took just 10-minute to do.
The mum-of-two – who does travel segments on the ITV show – has even had to cancel jobs in the past because she knew she would need constant access to a loo.
The 40-year-old – whose husband used to be wed to Victoria Beckham’s sister Louise – said her sudden urge to go to the toilet dozens of times a day began after giving birth to her son, Rocco, four years ago.
Since then, Naomi’s had to carefully plan car trips in advance to allow for toilet stops and says in the past she has humiliated herself by suddenly interrupting filming rush to the loo.
Naomi – who has also conducted red carpet interviews for E-Entertainment – admitted that she’s suffered for years because she didn’t know there was any treatment available.
“I’ve always had a weak bladder,” Naomi said “I had my first baby, Fleur, naturally. But since having Rocco by Caesarean my bladder has gotten worse.
But, the TV star, from Epping, Essex, has now changed her life after having a non-surgical intimate laser rejuvenation procedure called Femilife which costs £3,000 over the course of three treatments.
The procedure involves using a C02 laser to resurface the vaginal tissue.
The laser is placed inside the vagina and emits pulses of energy and heat to contract the collagen fibers of the vaginal tissue which improves laxity.
This little piggy went “wee wee wee” all the way home.
Keanu of the Week
Florida man claims guns found in car belonged to his cousin ‘John Wick’
A Florida man allegedly tried to blame a weapons bust on John Wick, the legendary assassin played by Keanu Reeves in the eponymous movie franchise, according to a new report.
Cops confronted Getro Gelin, 27, at his Port St. Lucie home Sunday after a woman told police he shoved her to the ground and threatened her with a firearm, according to an arrest affidavit…
The woman told authorities Gelin may have stashed the weapon in his Porsche SUV, according to the report. Cops searched the vehicle and found a Glock 21 pistol, a semi-automatic rifle, and a bulletproof vest, according to the report.
When cops asked Gelin to explain, he explained that the SUV wasn’t even his anymore — he’d sold it “to his cousin John Wick,” according to the affidavit.
He later admitted the John Wick reference was a lie, but “would not reveal his cousin’s name,” authorities said.
Gelin was arrested for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and domestic battery, according to the report.
Gelin is represented excellently by Bill S. Preston Esq. and Ted “Theodore” Logan.
Pop Top of the Week
Mum felt giant 36H boobs pop after flying abroad for a breast reduction
A woman who was terrified her giant 36H boobs would suffocate her baby felt them pop after flying abroad for a breast reduction.
Shocked Brogan Rea was left in agony with wonky, misshapen breasts after paying £3,000 to have them lifted and cut down to 36D at a clinic in Turkey.
But after undergoing four hours of plastic surgery, including liposuction to her stomach, Brogan, 23, lay in her blood and urine stained sheets alone in a hotel with a fever, fearing she would die.
She managed to rally enough to fly home a few days later via the Ukraine – a gruelling seven-hour journey.
However, when she returned she discovered she’d been left with one square breast, a black dying nipple and green pus oozing from her wounds after her breasts exploded.
“I’ve been butchered,” Brogan sobbed.
“I spent two years researching the best clinic to go to so that I could have normal boobs and now I have breasts that are oozing pus.
“They’re wonky, still saggy and I’m now a 36F – hardly any smaller. And while the left one is round, the right is square and I spent days worrying that my nipples, which turned black, were going to fall off.
Sponge Boob Square Tits?
Jaws of the Week
York County woman broke into man’s home, bit woman she found there
State Police have charged a 36-year-old York County woman with burglary, stalking, and other offenses after they say she broke into a man’s home and attacked another woman she found there, biting the victim in the hand and the leg.
Bryna Smith, of the 2600 block of Valley Drive, Red Lion, is also charged with two counts of simple assault, harassment, and criminal mischief in the incident, which occurred on Feb. 1 on the 200 block of 1st Avenue, according to the criminal complaint affidavit.
According to police, video surveillance footage showed Smith jumping over a rear fence and walking to the back door of the residence, where she allegedly watched the occupants through a window. She then broke a window in an unsuccessful attempt to gain entry to the home, police say.
Smith is then seen on video entering a business attached to the residence, which allowed her to access the upstairs living area of the home where the alleged assault occurred. After the alleged assault, Smith is seen leaving the home through a rear garage door, police say.
According to the female victim, the alleged assault occurred when the victim encountered Smith sitting on the floor outside a bathroom door. When the victim spoke to her, Smith allegedly lunged at the victim, bit her in the left leg, and pulled her to the floor by her hair, where she allegedly began assaulting the victim, police say.
When the victim attempted to free herself from Smith, she told police, Smith bit her in the left hand. Smith continued assaulting the victim until the male resident was able to separate them.
The victim sustained an open wound to the left thigh that required medical treatment, police say.
Remember that Great White Song “Twice Bitten Once Shy”?
Ass Lick of the Week
Sicko wearing surgical mask licks woman’s buttocks at NYC subway station: cops
A sicko sporting a surgical mask licked a woman’s rear end as she walked out of a Washington Heights subway station, police said Friday.
The 54-year-old victim told police that the creep crept up behind her as she was leaving the 163rd St. station near Amsterdam Ave. at 10:10 p.m. on April 18.
As she walked up the stairs, the suspect came closer, pulled down his mask and licked her buttocks over her clothing, police said.
The woman immediately flagged down a co-worker waiting outside the station and followed the suspect while calling the cops, but lost him as he ran off, police said.
Poker in the front, liquor in the rear.
Ass Wipe of the Week
North Fond du Lac man accused of using stolen underwear to set fires
A North Fond du Lac man is accused of using stolen underwear to set several fires in the county.
Michael L. Miller, 43, has been charged in Fond du Lac County with 27 counts–including arson and possession of child pornography.
During an interview, Miller admitted intentionally starting fires in the county, according to the complaint.
Officers examined Miller’s phone and found “thousands of images of pornography.” Some of those images were identified as child pornography.
They also found an image of a large fire.
Miller stated that he would take underwear from laundromats and use it to start fires, according to the criminal complaint complaint.
“Miller stated that he was wearing women’s underwear during the interview and he buys the underwear at stores. Miller further stated that the underwear he used to light the fires was taken from laundromats,” reads the complaint.
Somehow the stolen underwear, and not the child pornography, is the story here.
WTF? of the Week
A mother-of-three who called herself ‘the three boobed lady’ after botched surgery left her with misshapen breasts has told how she refused to let her boyfriend see her naked for four years.
Sandra from Simi Valley, California, broke down in tears as she explained how she felt like a ‘circus freak’ after a routine breast augmentation to boost her chest size to a C-cup went badly wrong.
Afterwards she wouldn’t let partner Mike touch her breasts and couldn’t even look at herself in the mirror with no clothes on.
‘Mike never sees me naked, ever. I am so embarrassed. I can’t even look at myself.’
She recalled how she just wanted to undergo a routine breast augmentation, adding: ‘I told the plastic surgeon, “I don’t want to go big. I just want a normal C” – a small C would’ve been perfect.
‘And for the most part, that’s what I thought I was getting. Until I woke up from surgery.’
It was then that her surgeon admitted to her that he ‘must’ve done something wrong’.
But according to Sandra, his attempt to fix the mistake only made things worse – and she hasn’t been back to him since.
She went in for a double bubble but came out with a triple nipple.
