The coronavirus lockdown has been, not only a suppression of our rights but also a suppression of WTF? If people can’t go outside, that means they can’t do crazy things. As the country is slowly starting to reopen, some of that craziness is starting to come back but we won’t reach full WTF? glory until everyone is free to act like a moron.
Headline of the Week
Queen’s Brian May injures buttocks with ‘over-enthusiastic gardening’
Queen guitarist Brian May says he ended up in hospital after injuring his buttocks during an incident in his garden.
I managed to rip my Gluteus Maximus to shreds in a moment of over-enthusiastic gardening,” wrote May in an Instagram post Thursday. “So suddenly I find myself in a hospital getting scanned to find out exactly how much I’ve actually damaged myself.”
May, usually very active on Instagram, had not posted anything for several days until Thursday.
He updated followers to let them know his absence was not due to coronavirus, before saying that he had been quiet due to “too many demands” as well as his recent injury.
While May did not reveal how he had injured himself, he appears to have done significant damage.
“Turns out I did a thorough job — this is a couple of days ago — and I won’t be able to walk for a while … or sleep, without a lot of assistance, because the pain is relentless,” he wrote, adding that he would be off social media for a while to get some rest.
“Please, please don’t send me sympathy — I just need some healing silence for a while,” he said, before saying farewell to his fans and telling them to “take care out there.”
It could have been worse. At least he didn’t have a Sheer Heart Attack.
Prison Shiv of the Week
Murder Convict Chops off His Penis Inside Gwalior Jail, Offers it to ‘Shivling’
A murder convict chopped off his penis by sharpening a spoon inside the jail premises in Gwalior on Tuesday and later offered it to a ‘Shivling’.
The prisoner later said he had a dream following which he did it around early in the morning.
Jail Superintendent Manoj Sahu said that the prisoner, Vishnu Singh Rajawat, was found bleeding around 6.30am and was rushed to the civil hospital. His condition is stated to be stable.
…the man ‘confessed’ from the hospital bed that he used a sharpened spoon as a scalpel to cut off his penis, adding Lord Shiva asked him to do so in his dream.
“When no one saw me, I chopped off the penis and offered it to ‘Shivling’ in the temple inside the jail premises,” Rajwat said, adding that he did not regret his act.
The man is convicted of murdering a policeman inside the thana in his native Umri village and was sentenced to 63 years in prison around one-and-a-half year ago.
A man can dream, can’t he?
Monkey Business of the Week
Mum-of-two caught with £600 of monkey dust in vagina after strip search
A mum-of-two hid almost £600 of monkey dust in her private parts after police stopped a suspicious vehicle she was in.
Katy Meakin, 29, was sat in the passenger seat of a car a lay-by when cops spotted a “dishevelled-looking” man leaning into the car.
Suspecting drug dealing was taking place, officers then pounced and arrested the mum before taking her to a police station.
But while a strip search took place, the woman then pulled out the bags containing white powder…
The defendant was arrested and taken to the custody facility. As police began the strip search, they asked her if she had anything hidden on her.
Mr Woolhouse told the court: “She placed her hand up her dress and had a bag of white powder, which she recovered from her vagina.
“She had a second bag of white powder concealed in the groin of her tights.”
The substance turned out to be MDPHP, commonly known as monkey dust. If sold in half-gram deals, it would have had a street value of up to £600.
Jailing her, Judge Paul Glenn said: “You accept taking over the drug-dealing business from your ex-partner when he received a prison sentence. You were not coerced.
“You plainly knew the potential consequences of your actions.”
He added: “Monkey dust has achieved notoriety in Staffordshire. It is a highly addictive substance. It has a significant effect on users, including extreme behaviour and paranoia.”
Plus it makes them throw poop.
Labia of Love of the Week
A woman has angrily denied being too drug-affected to remember her labia being burned off in a Newcastle tattoo parlour, declaring: ‘I know my vagina like the back of my hand.’
During a colourful and often-fiery day in Sydney’s Downing Centre District Court, the alleged victim of illegal genital mutilation said touring body modification artist Howard Rollins played a key role in the procedure.
Rollins, a 42-year-old US citizen also known as Luna Cobra, is on trial after pleading not guilty to being an accessory to female genital mutilation in January 2015.
The alleged victim and Rollins have painted different pictures of what occurred during the incident, with the latter denying he was even present.
The woman has throughout the judge-only trial accused Rollins of being in the room, aiding the procedure and offering advice to the person performing it.
Giving evidence via video link, she repeatedly clashed with defence barrister Margaret Cunneen SC, who accused her of numerous inconsistencies.
At one point, Ms Cunneen implied the woman was having trouble remembering the incident because she’d been given valium tablets and an anaesthetic.
The alleged victim replied: ‘No it’s not hard for me to remember. I remember. I know my vagina like the back of my hand.’
She has accused Rollins and the other man of ‘burning away my labia with a branding iron’ and then giving her the discarded body part in a jar.
Asked if she could smell anything burning during the procedure, she curtly replied: ‘My head is not in my vagina.’
No, but her head is definitely up her ass and that’s only one hole over.
Weed Whacker of the Week
Man says 2-year-old burned by ashes from ‘blunt’ smoked during diaper change
A Kenner man questioned about a burn mark on the buttocks of a 2-year-old boy told police the injuries were caused by hot ashes dropped while the man was smoking a “blunt” during a diaper change, according to police.
Sterling King, 28, was arrested Tuesday and booked with second-degree cruelty to a juvenile, said Lt. Michael Cunningham, spokesman for the Kenner Police Department.
The case is still under investigation because police say King’s explanation of accidental ashes from a cigar rolled with marijuana does not account for all of the boy’s injuries.
“There were six or seven burns under both armpits, on his chest and his buttocks” Cunningham said.
King is a former boyfriend of the victim’s mother. He is not the child’s father, according to Cunningham.
The victim’s mother backed King’s story, telling police her son was burned during a diaper change due to smoking, according to authorities.
When asked about the other burns on the toddler’s chest and armpits, the boy’s mother said they were older injuries that occurred when she lived in another state, according to Cunningham.
Police say the boy suffered “blunt force trauma” caused by a bong hit.
Pick of the Week
EL man’s toothpick injury turns into gaping wound in buttocks after surgery at Frere Hospital
A toothpick that got stuck in an East London man’s buttock has caused nothing but misery.
Early last month, James Swart, 49, enjoyed a meal with friends in Gonubie.
He used the toothpick after eating and later put it in his back right pocket.
That was his mistake. Half of it stuck into his right buttock. The unemployed man immediately removed it and thought that was the end.
A few days later, the pain set in. His friend bought him some medication.
“It did not get better and I went to Frere Hospital on April 5. I was kept in the casualty ward for three days and eventually had surgery. It was a nightmare,” Swart said.
“It was really painful before I went to hospital. But when I woke up from the operation, it was even more painful. I didn’t realise at first but they took a big chunk of meat from my backside. They did not even stitch me up,” he said.
When he was finally discharged on April 25, it was without pain medication and equipment to dress his wound.
“It doesn’t look like an operation. It looks like a piece of meat was just gutted and sliced off,” he said.
“I can’t see why they could cut so much of my bum out. Surely they could have given me something for the pain? I can walk but sitting down is painful. I have to sit on my left cheek. Every day it is painful and every day I have to change the bandages.”
You can pick your friends and you can pick your ass but you should never pick your friend’s ass. Also, don’t save toothpicks; they are single-use only.
Broken Record of the Week
Florida lizard breaks world poop record, dies constipated
A greasy, sandy diet left a northern curly-tailed lizard with a belly distended by a heavy ball of unpassable poop. The mass was so large that it made up nearly 80% of the animal’s body weight — a record-breaking body-to-poop ratio, according to a Florida biologist.
As the lizard gulped down insects and other small reptiles near a pizza parlor in Cocoa Beach, Florida, it also swallowed particles of grease-soaked sand. Over time, the grains stuck together to form a lump that was too dense for the lizard to excrete, said Natalie Claunch, the researcher who found the lizard, and a doctoral candidate in the School of Natural Resources and Environment at the University of Florida in Gainesville.
And the more that the constipated lizard ate, the bigger the poop mass grew.
But by the time Claunch found the reptile, it was unable to excrete the tightly-packed, sandy mass. All nutrients had been sucked out of the dense ball in its gut, and the lizard was nearly out of room to eat anything more; it was slowly starving to death and was therefore humanely euthanized…
Dissection showed that the lizard’s internal organs were so squeezed that they had atrophied, particularly its ovaries and liver. The mass was so dense that it was even visible in computed X-ray tomography (CT) scans, said Edward Stanley, an associate scientist in the Florida Museum of Natural History’s Department of Herpetology.
When Stanley performed the scans, he was “a bit nervous” about handling the delicate, bloated body “because it was so full,” he told Live Science.
“I was concerned that unless I was careful, I might pop it,” he said.
What a shitty way to die. Oh wait, no it’s not.
Wind Breaker of the Week
Wanted man’s flatulence gives him away after police chase in Worksop
Nottinghamshire Police attended an address in Brookside Walk in Harworth todayin connection with a warrant.
He was hiding after being chased by through woodland in the early hours of Thursday, May 7, when his flatulence gave him away and he was detained.
PC Dean Fenton, of Nottinghamshire Police, said: ‘I was almost out of wind running but luckily the offender still had some.
“I heard him letting rip and followed the noises to a bush.”Another man was found hiding in a small space behind a fireplace at the house in Brookside Walk.
A 35-year-old man was arrested after failing to appear at court and a 30-year old man was arrested after he was wanted, both in relation to other matters.
When a bush lets one rip it’s not a fart.
Plague of the Week
Toilet frog invasion leaves Derbyshire townsfolk scared and baffled
Frogs have been photographed invading homes across a Derbyshire town, confusing and frightening people by emerging through sinks and drains.
A number of Chesterfield residents have said that they have, on answering the call of nature, found the slimy green creatures scaling the sides of toilet bowls.
The bizarre invasion was reported from three separate addresses in the town this morning, Friday, May 1.
Homeowners claim that frogs have “infiltrated their water systems” and are now “climbing up through their drains”.
When contacted by Derbyshire Live, Yorkshire Water, which looks after the town’s water supply, said the frogs could be breeding in underground watercourses around Chesterfield.
One resident has been using duct tape to block holes in sinks and is now nervous about going to the toilet for fear of what she might find.
Tezza Bella, from Chesterfield, captured footage of one of the creatures after it emerged from her loo.
She said: “I’ve always been scared of toilets in case something comes up and bites me, now this has just proved it’s not impossible.
“Gonna have to stand and squat now.”
She does know frogs can jump, right?
Master Debater of the Week
Reservist faces manslaughter charge after shooting roommate during debate over guns vs. knives
It was all fun and games at a Temple Terrace home until Neil Gallagher accidentally shot and killed his roommate.
The 24-year-old made his first appearance in a Tampa courtroom on Wednesday. He is now facing manslaughter charges in the death of his roommate, Eric Hansen.
Prosecutor Anthony Falcone says, in February, Gallagher and his roommate were simulating a combat to see who would win in a knife-versus-gun fight. During the role-playing, Hansen pulled out the knife and Gallagher, they say, pulled the trigger.
“Defendant pulled the firearm from his pocket he pointed it at the victim to prove to the victim that he could draw his gun before being reached by the knife and then did fire the gun, shooting the victim in the face, killing him,” explained Falcone.
However, Gallagher’s attorney says that’s not what happened.
“At no point in time did Mr. Gallagher pull that trigger, nor did he intend for that trigger to be pulled, nor was there any malice or fighting,” explained Anthony Rickman.
Rickman says Gallagher had removed the magazine from the gun and thought it was unloaded.
“There seems to be a malfunction with that firearm which, in fact, left the shell casing in the slide of the firearm,” said Rickman.
There has never been a more decisive debate win than this. Now comes the debate as to whether or not a gun malfunctioned when it performed exactly as it was designed.
Pucker of the Week
Lidl shoplifter pulled knickers down and told store detectives ‘kiss my a***’
A woman detained by a Lidl store detective after she tried to steal a safe ran amok and tried to use a can of Lynx deodorant as a weapon.
Stacey Blackham also flashed her bum at stunned store detectives, telling them to “kiss her a***”.
Blackham, who was also in court charged with assaulting five police officers and claiming she had coronavirus, has been jailed for two years.
The court heard that Blackham was caught trying to steal £26.99 lockbox from the Lidl store in Arnold, Nottingham, last October
She was detained outside by a store detective but became aggressive. She attempted to kick him in the groin, but striking his knee, while also swearing at him and using a racist slur.
Blackham picked up a Lynx aerosol deodorant and tried to spray it in the detective’s eyes but she was unable to unlock the lid…
Lucy Jones, prosecuting, told the court that the 34-year-old then “pulled her underwear all the way down, bent over and exposed her bottom and said ‘You can kiss my a***.’ ”
Blackham was also in court charged with assaulting five police officers and claiming she had coronavirus.
She said she hoped one of the Leicestershire officers would die and told another she hoped his family would get Covid-19.
The court heard how police Blackham’s home and found her arguing in the front garden with her ex-partner during the lockdown on Tuesday April 7, just after midday.
An officer was aware she was breaching an anti-social behaviour order and was wanted by Nottinghamshire Police so he arrested her.
Blackham, who has 55 crimes on her record, told him: “You can’t arrest me, I’ve got coronavirus.”
While seated in the back of a police car, Blackham suddenly became angry and agitated and started kicking a window.
She bit the officer’s left forearm, causing bruising and bleeding and tried to pull off his protective face mask.
A police sergeant tried to assist and Blackham “deliberately coughed at him.”
The defendant pulled her own leggings down and lashed out with a clenched fist, striking the sergeant’s eyebrow, causing slight bruising.
Blackham then “coughed forcefully” and “blew raspberries” causing saliva to fall onto a third officer’s arm.
She said: “I hope I give you coronavirus” and ” I hope you die,” before hurling vile racist abuse at the sergeant.
She was then put in the back of a police van but continued to cough at officers through the door saying: “I hope you and your family get coronavirus. ”
Blackham refused to have her temperature taken by another officer who she bit on the left index finger, drawing blood but not piercing his PPE glove.
She told officers she also had Hepatitis C.
It’s hard to imagine her ass is any better than her face.
STD of the Week
Ohioan, 50, Arrested After Calling 911 To Report That Her Pussy Was Ablaze
An Ohio woman called 911 late Saturday evening to report that her “pussy was on fire” and that she needed someone from the fire department to “put it out with their hose,” according to an arrest report.
After placing that emergency call, Katrina Morgan, 50, hung up the phone. When a police dispatcher called her back, Morgan reiterated that she required first responders to “come put her pussy out because it is on fire.”
…Morgan “appeared highly intoxicated” when cops arrived at her friend’s home in Port Clinton, a city on Lake Erie. Morgan smelled of booze and was “having trouble walking, was slurring her speech,” police noted.
No pussies of any type were found ablaze inside the residence.
After struggling with officers, Morgan was handcuffed and placed in the rear of a police cruiser. She was booked into the Ottawa County jail on multiple counts, including disrupting public service, a felony, and making false alarms and resisting arrest, both misdemeanors.
One time my ass was on fire but that was due to too much Del Scorcho sauce and Fireball shots.
WTF? of the Week
Woman with ‘biggest lips in world’ shows off huge new pout after 20th injection
A Barbie doll wannabe who believes she has the biggest lips in the world has undergone her 20th lip injection.
Andrea Ivanova, from Bulgaria has undergone more than 20 hyaluronic acid lip injections with plans to get her lips even bigger.
The 22-year-old, who has been dubbed a “real-life Barbie”, had her latest injection on Tuesday and posted a photo of herself on her Instagram page to reveal her ever-growing pout.
She captioned her photo with the hashtags “#love #bigger #lips” as fans praised her for her appearance, with one saying: “Bigger is better”.
Andrea, who began her transformation in 2018, boasts over 32.1K Instagram followers where she posts pictures of her lips to her adoring fans.
She has spent thousands of pounds to achieve her look, forking out an average of £134 per treatment but has lost count of how much she has spent over the years.
Andrea said: “I had my latest injection two days ago.
“I feel great to have even more but some doctors think it’s enough, though I still want them bigger.
“My doctor said he will do more injections for me but said I have to wait for at least two months.
“I like my new lips a lot, it was hard to eat after the injection and two to three days after the procedure gets more difficult.
“There are no restrictions to what I can eat.
“I think my lips are lovely, I love them.
“I am not sure if they are the biggest lips in the world but they are one of the biggest, I think.”
Maybe “Cultural Appropriation Barbie.”
