With faux pandemics, racial grievance riots, draconian lockdowns, and destruction of history, it seems like everything is coming up dicks lately. The real threat to humanity is a widespread outbreak of dickism. Because all things in the universe are connected in ways science can’t explain, all of this week’s WTF? are dick-related:
Dickheadline of the Week
‘Black Robin Hood’ mooned judge and flashed his genitals during Oxford sentencing hearing
A SELF-STYLED ‘black Robin Hood’ who terrorised Didcot in a violent two-day rampage mooned a court judge and flashed his genitals during his sentencing hearing.
Presiding Judge Ian Pringle QC coolly ploughed on with the case despite Peter Kariuki’s lewd behaviour and his repeated ranting and raving.
After the 26-year-old of HMP Bullingdon was jailed for the string of violent offences he screamed ‘black power’ and started dancing.
Outlining the case at Oxford Crown Court today prosecutor Cathy Olliver said the two-day spree of offences involved threats with a knife and numerous shoplifts, culminating in a police stand-off near a pre-school.
Before prosecutors detailed events Kariuki, who appeared live via videolink from prison, pulled down his trousers and made the lewd gestures to the court.
In mitigation Kariuki represented himself, having already sacked his counsel.
He claimed that he was the ‘black Robin Hood’ and said he had committed the shoplifts to ‘feed white people.’
He told the court: “I was f***ing starving, I am trying to feed the community, to feed everyone.
“That food I robbed, I built a campfire and fed everyone.
“I robbed that to feed your own, I robbed that Co Op to feed your kids. I robbed that food to feed white people. I am guilty as f***ing charged.”
Sentencing, Judge Pringle said: “Your behaviour was very frightening to a large number of people.”
Nothing says social justice like ass crack and nut sack.
Dickwood of the Week
Wilton man arrested for displaying wooden penis statue in front yard
Jamie Gagne has lived on Ruggles Road for 10 years.
He recently found himself in a dispute with the town of Wilton over plans for his workshop, which the town says aren’t up to code. So they have issued a stop work order.
“I just want to live in peace and finish my workshop,” Gagne said Friday.
Gagne says he’s eager to do what’s needed, but says the town has been ignoring his communication.
However, the wooden statue he placed in his front yard was hard to ignore. He carved a seven-foot penis out of a pine tree and placed it on his front lawn.
He says people passing by laughed. He put up a sign encouraging them to take pictures.
So he was a little surprised when state troopers showed up Thursday saying they’d gotten a complaint and told him to take it down.
Gagne complied with state police and moved the statue into his backyard. He’s since returned it to the front lawn and placed it behind a sign with the words “Adults Only” spray painted in red.
That was after he was arrested. The troopers handcuffed him and charged him with a public display of offensive sexual material.
“This is trying to protect the issue of potential exploitation in a sexual manner, particularly as it relates to protecting children,” said Saratoga County District Attorney Karen Heggen.
Gagne doesn’t think the statue applies.
“It’s just a giant piece of wood,” he said. “You think about going to a park and there’s a statue of a little boy peeing or there’s a marble statue of a bare-breasted woman.”
He said he plans to fight the charge.
“This is a clear First Amendment right. One person is offended versus dozens of people that were complimenting me,” he said.
The right of the people to keep and bear wood shall not be infringed.
Dickweed of the Week
Shocked sister calls police after she woke up to ‘find her brother’s penis in her mouth’
A woman was shocked after she woke up and allegedly discovered that her brother had dangled his penis into her mouth.
The woman claims she invited the man over to her Townsville home, in north-east Queensland, on Friday afternoon to mow her lawn.
After the woman went to sleep inside it is alleged her brother followed her and put his penis in her mouth…
The woman awoke to discover the alleged sexual assault before her brother walked outside and began to mow her lawn.
Emergency services were called at 2:20pm and police officers soon arrived to find the man still mowing the lawn.
Officers questioned the man over the incident and police have launched an investigation.
You gotta whack the weeds before you mow the lawn, even with your sister.
Moby Dick of the Week
Whale-watching holiday maker captures one-in-a-million shot of humpback’s 10ft penis
The creature’s member made a surprise appearance during a spectacular show in Sydney Harbour.
Despite photographing thousands of whales in his life, John Goodridge said he has never before witnessed one brazenly showing off their penis – that is until now.
The 54-year-old captured the incredible photograph while on a Go Whale Watching cruise on the weekend that was operating out of Sydney Harbour, Australia.
Elated John said he did not notice the 40 tonne whale’s massive appendage at the time and was shocked to see it later on when examining his photographs from the day.
The UK expat, who moved from Yorkshire to Australia 25 years ago, said: “It certainly isn’t every day that you get to see something like that.
“It is incredibly rare to see and there is not really that many photographs out there showing a humpback whale’s penis.
“In fact, I’ve never even seen a photo of one showing it off during a breach.
“Usually it will remain inside their genital split which protects it from injury as they swim.
“I’ve photographed thousands of whales and have never captured anything like this before, so it was certainly exciting.
Why do they call them humpbacks with that kind of equipment on the underside?
Covert Dick of the Week
Man smuggling cocaine in artificial penis caught at Brussels Airport
A British man who was caught at Brussels Airport while trying to smuggle cocaine into Belgium by hiding it in an artificial penis has been sentenced to 38 months in prison on Friday.
The man was arrested on 8 February when he landed at Brussels Airport on a flight from Jamaïca.
He tested positive for cocaine, after which the man was transferred to the University hospital of Jette in Brussels for a more in-depth investigation.
At the hospital, doctors and police officers established that the man had been equipped with an artificial penis, in which 127 grams of white powder, later identified as cocaine, was hidden…
The man stated that he had visited his mother in Jamaica, and an acquaintance there had offered him cocaine. He said he took it with him to use it himself, once at home.
I thought “coke dick” was something entirely different.
Dead Dick of the Week
Portland man who shot himself in groin, blamed it on homeless man, gets prison
A Portland, Ore., man who falsely blamed an accidental gunshot wound to the groin on a homeless man was sentenced Monday to nearly six years in federal prison.
Marcus Anthony Davis Jr., 35, was handed the prison term after pleading guilty to being a felon in possession of a firearm. He had been convicted of prior felonies and was on federal supervision for a drug offense at the time of the Jan. 8 shooting.
Davis claimed he was robbed and shot by a white homeless man at a bus stop. Investigators found no evidence of a shooting or robbery at the location.
The .40-caliber handgun that injured him was found in his girlfriend’s car hidden in Davis’ bloody clothes. In addition, a gunshot hole was also found in a pair of his sweatpants.
The weapon was reported stolen in 2018.
The bullet had traveled right through the top of his penis, through his right testicle, and into his upper inner right thigh. Lucky for him, the bullet exited through his lower right thigh, so at least there were no bullet particles inside him.
It was a justifiable peniscide. #BlackLiesMatter
Vegan Dick of the Week
Man finds rude-looking carrot in his food delivery
If laughing at things looking like penises is silly and immature… call us silly and immature.
In the midst of some scary times, we reckon a ridiculous bit of veg is what we all need.
So it’s lucky, then, that Matthew Whitaker, 43, has decided to share his find with the world.
Matthew and his wife Amy, 32, were unpacking the shopping they’d had delivered from Tesco when they came across a very rude-looking carrot.
Said carrot was split down the middle with a little nubbin in the middle, making it look like someone with their legs spread and a penis in between,
Matthew and Amy found this discovery pretty hilarious.
The couple usually buy wonky carrots, but their local store did not have any in when they ordered.
Matthew joked they sent ‘winky’ ones instead.
He said: ‘We’d had it delivered so I was bringing the shopping in from the front door and Amy was unpacking it.
‘She shouted me to come to the kitchen urgently, I thought something was wrong at first.
‘But she was holding a carrot that looked like a pair of legs with a penis on show.
‘When she showed me, we fell about laughing.’
It’s true. Carrot Bottom is much funnier than Carrot Top.
Sorry Dick of the Week
Thug jailed again after sending assaulted woman a picture of his penis one week after release
A THUG jailed for beating his ex-partner ‘so she couldn’t have children’ is again behind bars after he sent her a picture of his penis just one week after his release.
Thomas Skelton also telephoned the woman while he was still in jail professing his ‘undying love’ for her.
A court heard today that she had felt ‘sick’ at the thought of his release and said he was ‘capable of anything.’
The 31-year-old formerly of Wantage, now of HMP Bullingdon, was first locked up after he attacked the woman, with whom he had been in a relationship for two years, at an address in Grove.
During that violence, described as ‘nasty’ by a court judge, he beat her, saying ‘that’s to ensure that we don’t have another child together.’
He was jailed for that assault for 10 weeks and made subject to a restraining order, but went on to breach it just days later.
For six breaches he was jailed for two years and three months in April last year.
Today, the same court heard that Skelton had breached his restraining order again and continued to harass her while in prison and after his release.
Prosecutor Rhiannon Winter said on August 6 he used another prisoner’s phone list to contact the woman.
During that call he told her ‘I love you, I can’t stop thinking about you.’
He was released from prison on May 19 and it was just one week later that he contacted the woman again.
This time he used Facebook to send her a picture of his penis.
Prosecutors said the woman responded by saying ‘what the f**k’ to him before adding ‘go away.’
Skelton said simply ‘sorry’ and then ceased contact.
The power of WTF? is undeniable.
Dick Cheese of the Week
Mum gets own back on husband with penis prank after he complains about lunch
After discovering that her husband had been complaining about the way she prepared his lunchtime sandwiches, a mum took revenge.
Each morning, Loz had to tackle a fussy two-year-old and make sure he ate his breakfast.
While doing this she would prepare her husband’s sandwiches for work.
After hubby left for work, she would go about her way.
One day, Loz decided to enjoy a stroll with her mum and little boy.
While out, she bumped into her husband’s boss – and he landed the man of the house in trouble.
Her husband’s boss said that her significant other “isn’t happy with” her.
He had apparently been complaining that Loz forgot to cut his sarnies in half.
So, she decided to get some lighthearted revenge.
The next day, Loz duly cut his sandwiches.
However… it wasn’t into triangles.
Rather, the cheeky mum carved the meal into the shape of a penis.
She even used cheese to add some extra detailing on his NSFW lunch.
I thought a dick sandwich was something entirely different.
Spicy Dick of the Week
Hot water, pepper rubbed on genitals, man wins $.3M against cops
It’s a financial victory for 27-year-old Ralph Andrew Lewis who won $310,000 against the state for assault and battery and false imprisonment charges. The judgement was delivered by Master Sherlanne Pierre in the Port of Spain High Court on May 26, 2020.
The incident occurred on February 24, 2015, when the Sangre Grande man visited the police station in his area to turn himself in. Lewis had been involved in a car accident and failed to report it.
In his signed statement, Lewis told the court that on February 26, 2015, he was taken to the Sangre Grande CID on the same compound, by an acting corporal. On arrival, he was questioned about a housebreaking which he vehemently denied.
Seven policemen were reportedly called and Lewis was beaten with a PVC pipe and WASA hose. He fell to the ground and was cuffed and kicked by those sworn to protect and serve. Asked again, he denied knowing anything about larceny. According to his recount of the situation, this was the moment things took a sharp turn for the worst.
Lewis said his feet were handcuffed by officers who beat him mercilessly. A woman police constable standing nearby suggested using hot water to encourage him to talk. She was then seen walking to the fridge. Moments later, and to the then 23-year-old’s alarm, a microwave was turned on. While being punched and kicked, his pants were pulled and the WPC poured hot water on his bottom. It burned his scrotum and penis in the process.
The WPC allegedly yelled for the cup to be refilled and proceeded to repeat the process while Lewis screamed in agony. The Sangre Grande man fell in and out of consciousness as the third cup was poured. When he came to, he called out for the Inspector who told him to disclose what he knew to the officers.
Desperate to have them stop, Lewis shouted that the policemen should visit his friend’s house who lived in the area. To his dismay, the torture continued as the WPC proposed that pepper be rubbed on his genitals next. She went to the fridge, put on gloves and rubbed the pepper sauce on the man’s penis which was already burnt by water.
Just before, an officer allegedly said, “we going to put pepper sauce on your tool and put it on YouTube and call it pepper penis.” The said officer took pictures before throwing him back into a cell.
Lewis spent seven days in the hospital and was treated for six to seven percent superficial thickness burns to the bilateral gluteal region, perineum, scrotum and penis.
And yet somehow it doesn’t feel like a victory at all.
Lift Dick of the Week
Camera catches man kicking 6-year-old boy in his genitals
Hanoi police are investigating the case of a man caught on an elevator camera kicking a six-year-old boy in the genitals.
The boy’s parents filed the complaint after viewing camera footage from their apartment complex in Dai Mo Ward, Bac Tu Liem District, media reports said.
The footage provided by the complex’s management board shows two men entering an elevator at around 9 p.m. Wednesday. The elevator had three young boys and a little girl when the men entered.
One of the men kicks the 6-year-boy’s genitals, before seeming to wave his leg close to the boy’s face. The elevator door opens soon after, but no one gets in or out. The man can be seen apparently gesturing to the boy with his hand, saying something. The boy shrinks away from the man into a corner of the elevator. The released footage does not go further…
The boy only told his parents about the incident the next morning.
His mother said she was horrified on seeing the footage. “His actions were inexcusable and have hurt my son mentally,” she said…
The man’s identity is not yet known. Apartment managers have said they are cooperating with the Dai Mo Ward People’s Committee and local police to identify him.
A representative of the Dai Mo police department said they have figured out the apartment from which the man walked out. The owner of the apartment has said the man was a guest, not a resident of the apartment. The apartment owner has also said that the man had consumed alcohol earlier.
If you’ve ever been drunk enough to kick a little boy in the wang and then make him smell it, you might have a drinking problem.
Dick Prize of the Week
Historian Wang Gungwu wins Tang Prize in Sinology
Wang Gungwu (王賡武), a leading historian on China-Southeast Asian relations, was announced as the 2020 Tang Prize Laureate in Sinology on Saturday for his research into the Chinese world order, Chinese overseas, and Chinese migratory experience.
Huang Chin-Shing (黃進興), vice president of Academia Sinica and chairman of the Tang Prize selection committee, made the announcement at a press conference in Taipei.
Wang has developed a unique approach to understanding China by scrutinizing its long and complex relations with its southern neighbors, which “enriched the explanation of China’s changing place in the world, traditionally developed from an internalist perspective or in relation to the West,” Huang said.
Wang dang sweet poontang!
WTD? of the Week
Woman, 29, chops off dad’s penis with bread knife after accusing him of rape
A woman reportedly chopped off her dad’s manhood after confronting him over two decades of alleged sexual abuse.
Boonyada Chanchuang, 29, was allegedly molested by dad Kasem Bunyachon, 58, from the age of 10 – but finally snapped and stabbed him to death before slicing his genitals off with a bread knife.
She was arrested in Bangkok, Thailand, on Wednesday after cops found CCTV footage of her dumping the bloody knife in a supermarket bin.
Speaking as she was hauled into a local police station, she told local reporters: “I slept well last night and I want those in the child prostitution business to be punished.
“Covering evidence turns good guys bad.”
When asked her about her motive, Ms Boonyada said, “I did nothing wrong. I was abused by my father all the time,” the source said.
Cops claim they have been unable to get a coherent witness statement from her.
Boonyada’s mum told cops that her daughter was in Bunyachon’s care for three years from the age of 10 when she visited the police station to collect the victim’s body, reports the Bangkok Post.
She described her ex-husband as “violent” and accused him of “immensely hurting” Boonyada as a child.
She told how the abuse sent Boonyada spiralling into drug and alcohol addiction – saying her mind was “broken” by substance abuse.
She added: “She is the daughter of the offender. No mother can bear it.”
Boonyada was initially admitted to the Srithanya mental hospital before docs said she was sane enough to face prosecution.
Hopefully she buttered that bread up after slicing it.
