Thanks to the coronavirus pandemic and the general WTF? that is 2020, movie studios had to put their summer blockbusters on ice. Luckily Def-Con News has tracked down all the films you didn’t get to see but don’t get your hopes up, they are all sequels and reboots because Hollywood is out of ideas.
Shave It Like Beckham
David Beckham bought testicle trimmer by son Cruz to smoothen his ‘goldenballs’
British football legend David Beckham got given a testicle trimmer by his son Cruz Beckham.
The father-of-four, 45, took to social media to share the surprising present he got from his youngest son Cruz, 15.
Captioning a picture of the gift on his Instagram Story with “Smooth”, the shot shows the shaver with the brand box which reads “We save balls”.
The brand Balls claims to deliver customers “beautiful, shining balls”, so David won’t have to fret about any stray hairs!
David then wrote at the bottom of the post: “Things my son buys all us Beckham boys. Thanks @CruzBeckham.”
A very thoughtful gift from the teenage boy, but we suspect there is a family in-joke that we are missing out on, especially when you consider David’s iconic nickname.
The British sex symbol was famously dubbed Goldenballs by his wife Victoria Beckham in front of the nation on chat show Parkinson in 2001.
Speaking on the show at the time, Victoria, now 46, said: “What better person to look at than my own husband to see how somebody can turn that all around? I call him Goldenballs now.”
This is also a James Bond crossover: The Man With The Golden Balls
My Left Arm
Man who lost penis to blood infection has new one built on his arm
A British man whose penis fell off due to a severe blood infection had a new one built – on his arm, where he even got an extra 2 inches, according to a report.
Malcolm MacDonald, 45, a mechanic, suffered a horrific infection in his perineum that turned his fingers, toes and manhood black…
“I had struggled for years with an infection in my perineum but I had no idea what could happen,” the separated dad of two from Thetford, Norfolk [said].
“When I saw my penis go black I was beside myself. It was like a horror film. I was in a complete panic. I knew deep down it was gone and I was going to lose it,” he said.
He said he was “completely gutted” when his penis “just dropped off on to the floor” in 2014 – but his testicles remained intact…
“Because I had been through the devastation of knowing I was going to lose it, I just picked it up and put it in the bin,” MacDonald continued.
“I went to the hospital and they said the best they could do for me was to roll the remaining stump up like a little sausage roll. It was heartbreaking.”
MacDonald said he became a recluse and began drinking heavily.
“For two years after losing my penis I felt a shadow of a man. My life really fell apart because I had no self-confidence. I drank too much. I didn’t see family and friends — I just didn’t want to have to face up to it,” he said.
But then he found out from his doctor about the so-called “penis master” — Professor David Ralph of London’s University College Hospital.
Ralph said he could perform an arm-graft procedure, which would take up to two years.
MacDonald also decided to request an extra two inches on the $65,000 appendage.
“They were happy to listen to what I wanted it to be like, which was amazing. Not many can say they have a designer penis,” he said.
Surgeons formed a new manhood — with its own blood vessels and nerves – using a skin flap on the left arm of the right-handed man. They created a urethra and installed two tubes inflated with a hand-pump, allowing him to achieve an erection.
The shaft was then removed from his forearm, leaving the base, allowing it to form naturally as skin and tissue. He now awaits for it to be finally transferred to its proper location.
“When I saw it on my arm for the first time I was so, so proud. After everything I had been through it didn’t feel weird at all — it was just a part of me,” he said.
“I was like any other man, I just couldn’t leave it alone to begin with. I thought it was the best thing ever,” MacDonald continued.
“I took to it so much I nicknamed it ‘Jimmy.’ That was what me and my mates called each other growing up and this penis was definitely my new mate,” he said.
But the new penis has still not been attached four years after the procedure due to a series of missed appointments, scheduling problems, staff shortages at the hospital and, finally, the coronavirus pandemic.
This guy is a walking hand job. Too bad his name isn’t “Dick Armstrong.”
Blow (Your Balls)
Woman denies lover’s genital blow
A woman claimed that she did not use a hair dryer to blow on her boyfriend’s private parts and cause blisters on his genitals, sayinng he himself did it in the hope of curing his erectile dysfunction problem.
Mak Hoi-ching, also known as Mak Ka-man, a 39-year-old insurance broker, earlier pleaded not guilty in a district court to one count of assault occasioning actual bodily harm and four counts of wounding with intent, over alleged attacks on her 32-year-old boyfriend X in 2018.
Mak testified yesterday that X heated his genitals to cure his erection problem on August 25. She saw X doing it in the bathroom and immediately stopped him.
“X looked so agitated, saying he couldn’t got it up even after heating his private parts for a long time,” she said.
X has accused her of using a metal chair to hit him after he paid a deposit on an apartment at Lohas Park in Tseung Kwan O without her approval.
Mak said she did not attack X as she loved him deeply. She said she only asked X to leave their apartment in Happy Valley.
She said that on the same day, she heard loud bangs from the living room, and later saw X with red marks on his forehead.
Mak also said on August 18 she saw X crying in the living room. There were red marks and injuries on his thigh and chest, as well as scissors and kettles in front of him.
She said that this happened soon after she begged X on her knees, saying that she wanted to break up with him as she was angry about the flat purchase.
If he was the Pilsbury Doughboy, heating his dumplings would have made them rise.
Rocky 69
This Woman Ordered A Marble-Style Cutting Board And Found A Giant Penis Instead
All Georgia Rogers wanted was some cute cutting boards, but what she got was something much girthier.
Rogers, 21, is a student from Arkansas who’s nannying in New York City for the summer. She needed some supplies for her college apartment back in her home state, such as cutting boards.
“I asked my mom to pick some things out and she happened to order the marbled ones since they were cute and inexpensive,” Rogers told BuzzFeed News.
When they arrived and Rogers’ mom opened the box, this is what she found.
“Right after she called me because she couldn’t believe it. I showed my friend when my mom sent me the picture and we died laughing,” said Rogers.
“I would have never expected that…um…vivid of a penis to be accidentally on the cutting board.”
It appears to just be a funny marbling accident, but BuzzFeed News has reached out to Lily’s Home for comment.
As for Rogers, the cutting boards are with her mom for now until she returns from New York, if she can stop it from being taken first.
“Friends have offered to buy it from me and others want me to use it as a charcuterie board,” she said.
Talk about being rock hard.
Ex-Men: Days Of Wieners Past
Police probing underground ‘castration ring’ find severed penis and testicles in freezer
Police in Australia found a severed human penis and testicles in a man’s freezer during an investigation into a bizarre fetish castration incident.
The grisly find was made at the inner-city flat of Ryan Andrew King, 27, from Brisbane, who is accused of cutting off the testicle of another consenting man.
Queensland Police were called to a backpacker’s hostel in Sydney, Australia, on Saturday, after reports a man had flushed his own partially-removed testicle down the toilet.
The 26-year-old victim, who had travelled from Sydney, was taken to Royal Brisbane and Women’s Hospital for surgery where he is described as being in a stable condition.
It is alleged that the men had met online and agreed that King could carry out the surgical procedure using a cryopen, commonly used by doctors to remove warts and skin tags.
The pair had allegedly discussed the procedure for several months via a fetish website and apps, according to a report from 7News.
The news outlet also reported that the the castration was also allegedly filmed by King and possibly uploaded to a fetish website.
But the mystery deepened further after police raided King’s inner-city Brisbane home and found a set of male genitalia that do not appear to belong to that of the victim from Saturday night.
Queensland Police say they are yet to receive a complaint about the second chilling discovery and no charges are yet to be filed.
According to reports, Brisbane detectives are investigating the existence of an underground fetish ring in which men volunteer to have sections of their genitals removed.
The guy let his package get chopped off and they took him to women’s hospital? I guess that makes sense.
Ass On A Hot Tin Roof
A young woman was left with excruciating burns on her derriere after a radiator pipe exploded.
Charlotte Beeton, 27, from Southampton, suffered an epileptic seizure while washing her hair and landed on a radiator pipe, covering her lower body in boiling water.
Thankfully her fiance, David Channel, 28, heard the commotion and was able to move Charlotte to safety before she was scolded any further.
But the finance worker was left with first and third degree burns across her bottom – something that required five hours’ worth of skin graft surgery, with skin being taken from her thighs.
After recovering from her ordeal in hospital for three weeks, Charlotte was allowed home and has been learning to adapt to her new appearance ever since.
She has decided to share her images for the first time in a bid to raise awareness of the severity of injuries that can be sustained during an epileptic seizure.
Sorry, that is not a hot piece of ass.
I’m Gonna Git You Sucka! 2020
A patient said a Florida doctor sucked her breast. Her complaint isn’t unique, state says
A patient’s accusation that an Okeechobee doctor sucked her breast has led to his arrest on a misdemeanor battery charge and discipline by the state of Florida.
And, the Florida Department of Health says, this brought another pile of complaints about Dr. Saeed Khan.
For his part, Khan pleaded not guilty to the battery charge. He can still practice medicine, but the state’s emergency restriction order (ERO), which came down July 15, prohibits him from treating female patients.
The ERO says the woman, whom it referred to as “T.B.,” had been Khan’s patient since April 2005.
“Dr. Khan periodically called Patient T.B. in the afternoon for long, non-clinical conversations,” the ERO said. “Dr. Khan admitted to Patient T.B. that he called her often because he was attracted to her.”
When T.B. went to Khan’s office on Feb. 25 to discuss her coming surgery, the ERO said, he asked her to scratch his back. The ERO describes:
“After Patient T.B. scratched his back, Patient T.B. stated she had to leave. Dr. Khan followed her to the door and pulled down one side of her shirt and bra, exposing her breast.
“Dr. Khan placed his mouth on Patient T.B.’s breasts and sucked. Dr. Khan then pulled down the remainder of Patient T.B.’s shirt and sucked on her other breast.”
The ERO said she reported this to Okeechobee County Sheriff’s Office on May 4. The ERO claims Khan admitted in a controlled call (talking to T.B. while OCSO investigators listened) and to an OCSO deputy to putting a breast in his mouth.
This is also a Star Trek crossover: The Wrath of Khan with Titties.
The Blair Witch Project: Book Of Weirdoes
‘Evil black witch’ jailed after he carried out unprovoked assault on shopkeeper
A self-styled “evil black witch” from Somerset has been jailed for life for a sadistic sex attack which left an elderly shopkeeper in excruciating pain.
David Lake, aged 52, of Wellington, and formerly of Hill Head, Glastonbury, was convicted of causing grievous bodily harm with intent, assault by penetration, and criminal damage by a jury at Exeter Crown Court in February.
The former Cambridge University researcher wore a bizarre carnival style mask during the attack in which he kicked his victim unconscious before inserting an object into his body.
He was ruled to be a danger to the public because he carried out a previous cannibalistic attack on which he chewed flesh off a woman’s arm and ate it.
He posed as a customer at the shop in Exeter in October 2018 before returning with alcohol and offering it to his victim, who is in his 70s.
He plied the shopkeeper with vodka and champagne before putting on the gold mask and suddenly turning violent.
He said: “I am a black witch. I am not a nice person. I’m a black sorcerer and I am f***ing evil.”
He battered the victim to the ground and kicked him in the back until he passed out from the pain caused by a fractured coccyx. He sexually assaulted him with an unidentified cylindrical object as he lay unconscious.
He was jailed for life by Judge David Evans and will not be released unless it is considered safe to do so. He must serve seven and a half years before he can apply for parole.
The judge said a life sentence was the only way to protect the public because Lake suffers from an untreatable personality order with grandiose illusions, lacks empathy, and disregards social and sexual norms.
In America we call those people “democrats.” #BlackWitchesMatter
The Birds
Australian pub bans local emus after they defecate in building, steal toast
There’s nothing worse than going to a pub for a nice drink, and then having a rowdy emu ruin everyone’s night.
A pair of emus has reportedly been banned from the only pub in a small Australian town after causing multiple disturbances inside the business. Apparently, the animals were caught leaving droppings on the floor and stealing toast from customers.
Two emus in Yaraka in western Queensland, Kevin and Carol, have become a bit of a tourist attraction in the small town…Originally part of a group of nine emus whose eggs were hatched in the town, Kevin and Carol are the only two who haven’t wandered away from the area or died.
According to locals, the emus are large animals and stand at just over 6-and-a-half feet tall.
Last week, the pair reportedly began entering the pub in the Yaraka Hotel and things have not been going well. The duo only recently learned how to walk up the front steps of the hotel…
The hotel’s co-owner Gerry Gimblett [said], “They’ve been stealing things from the guests, especially their food. They’d stick their heads in and pinch toast out of the toaster. But the main reason we’ve banned them is their droppings. They’re enormous, very large and very smelly, and they created great stains.”
In order to keep the animals out, Gimblett reportedly installed a piece of rope across the hotel’s entrances to act as a barrier to keep the emus out of the building. Kevin and Carol reportedly have not yet learned to just duck under the rope…
It works because emus are not ducks. Duh.
The Birds 2
Man pleads guilty to having sex with chickens while his wife filmed him
A British man pleaded guilty to having sex with chickens and having his wife film the act apart from other sexual offenses. Rehan Baig, 37, appeared for a hearing before a judge at Bradford Crown Court on Friday, July 31, along with his wife, Heema Baig. The defendant pled guilty to a total of 11 charges including three of performing an act of penetration on chickens. In addition, he also confessed to downloading indecent images of children, possessing extreme pornographic images relating to sex acts with dogs and chickens and drugs offenses. He also admitted to possessing 405 mg of cocaine and 4.07 g of cannabis resin.
Prior to Friday’s hearing, the prosecutors said that Rehan’s spouse had already pled guilty to three charges of aiding and abetting “intercourse with an animal.” “Mrs Baig accepts filming her husband Rehan Baig having sexual intercourse with a chicken,” she told Judge Jonathan Gibson. However, she pleaded not guilty to the charges relating to extreme pornographic images and the drugs matters. According to the court, it will be left to the prosecutors to decide if whether her pleas to those charges are acceptable.
Rehan’s lawyer Nick Leadbeater said that while his client accepted committing the acts of intercourse with the animals, he had refused to reveal exactly when those incidents took place. He requested that the sentencing hearing be adjourned so that a pre-sentence report and a psychiatric report on his client could be obtained. The court agreed that inquiries would need to be made to find out whether the acts were committed on one day or on separate days.
“The court may take the view that if these are acts that have taken place on more than one day that would make a difference in terms of sentencing. Both defendants assert it was sexual intercourse which took place on one day with these animals and that it was filmed on one day,” Prosecutor Abigail Langford said.
“Choke yer chicken” means something entirely different in England.
Ocean’s 11: Number Two
Burglars defecate in Bronx church after stealing $8K worth of electronics
A group of looters pillaged a century-old baptist church in the Bronx and left a downright sinful piece of evidence before taking off.
Police announced Sunday they are looking for at least three culprits who stole nearly $8,000 worth of electronics from the Creston Avenue Baptist Church on Tuesday at 12:30 a.m.
The group broke through the lock on the back door to gain access to the unoccupied church grounds.
But before they left, one of the deviant crooks defecated in the church’s foyer…
They messed up my office, broke up the safe, break up the doors, break up the kitchen. What could possess them to do things like that?” Pastor Marcia Stanley [said]. “Can’t they see this is the house of God?”
Wait till he sees what they did in the rectory.
My Little Pony The Movie
Sweetwater County officials are investigating an incident in which a man is believed to have trespassed on private property to engage in sex acts with horses.
The Sweetwater County Sheriff’s Office confirmed the investigation, which it said has been the subject of spreading social media rumors, in a news release Tuesday afternoon. Detectives are looking into at least one alleged incident, which was first reported to the office in late June by a property owner who owns horse corrals in the unincorporated Northpark neighborhood north of Rock Springs.
“The property owner told the deputy that they chained and locked the gate in a certain way when leaving their corral at night,” the announcement said. “When the owner returned to the corral the next day, they noticed the gate was chained differently. Given the suspicious circumstance, they set up a trail camera to surveil their corral. Days later, after reviewing photographs captured on the trail camera, the owners discovered someone entering the corral and apparently engaging in sex acts with their horses.”
Detectives have identified and interviewed the man in the photographs, the sheriff’s office said, and he admitted to trespassing, having sexual intercourse with a mare and digitally penetrating a foal.
He also digitally downloaded in a colt.
Batman and Robbin’
Naked Florida man tells deputies he’s ‘Batman’
A southwest Florida man is accused of wandering around a hotel naked and identifying himself as Batman, authorities said.
Christopher L. Jackson, 49, of Englewood, was arrested Friday and charged with loitering and exposure of sexual organs, according to the Charlotte County Sheriff’s Office.
The Charlotte County Sheriff’s Office responded to a call at the Suncoast Inn in Englewood late Friday after the motel’s manager reported a naked man had tried to enter his room, WINK-TV reported.
Deputies found Jackson at a table outside the motel, the television station reported. Jackson claimed to have a room at the motel and had accidentally locked himself out of the room, but the manager said Jackson was not registered there, WINK reported.
“I made multiple attempts to obtain his name and date of birth which he replied with ‘I’m Batman,’” the deputy wrote in an arrest report.
The deputy decided to seek out the motel’s surveillance footage, the Miami Heraldreported. Video footage showed Jackson climbing through the guardrail that lines the building. Jackson then went to the third floor and stripped off his clothing, the newspaper reported. Jackson then began going door to door, attempting to gain entry to rooms, according to the arrest report.
The deputy found Jackson’s clothes and discovered a glass pipe, the Herald reported.
He smokes his bat-meth with that bat-pipe. Bonus: this dude is almost Samuel L. Jackson.
Free Willy Again
Outfit overreaction? Utah woman trespassed over ‘inappropriate’ outfit
Rebecca Ortinez expected to wait in line outside a Utah County plasma center, so she wore an outfit for the heat.
Once inside, the outfit quickly landed her back outside with a trespass order.
“[The manager] said, ‘I’m going to have to ask you to leave because your clothing is too disruptive, or too distracting to other patrons and my employees,’” Ortinez told 2News. “She kept commenting about my physical appearance; she mentioned my nipples multiple times, which was embarrassing for me.”
A post about the incident is being shared widely on social media after Ortinez called out the BioLife Plasma Center in American Fork.
American Fork Police confirm to 2News that they were called to the BioLife plasma center on Wednesday for a report of a disturbance. Police told Ortinez that the plasma center managers requested she be trespassed for life.
In her social media post, Ortinez called the ordeal a “civil rights violation.”
“There’s no way I’ll back down, no matter what I wear. If people have an issue with it, then that’s their issue,” she said.
If anything it was an under-reaction to that outfit.
Rocketman 2
Rioter tries to aim rocket at the Portland federal courthouse but it misfires on him, burning his hand. Video by @livesmattershow. #PortlandRiots #antifa pic.twitter.com/XskvfH2S6n
— Andy Ngô (@MrAndyNgo) August 1, 2020
More proof that lefty crybabies can’t let go of anything.
