Jeffrey Toobin is some kind of analyst on CNN, though his area of expertise is unknown. Considering he’s on the fakest of the fake news networks, he’s probably a TDS/BS expert. He also writes for the New Yorker, or at least he used to. The magazine has suspended Toobin because he, for some reason, pulled out his penis while on a Zoom business meeting. Now that I think about it, maybe he’s a toob snake expert.
Here’s the funniest thing to happen to CNN’s stable of talent since Creepy Porn Lawyer Michael Avenatti went to jail, as reported by Vice:
The New Yorker has suspended reporter Jeffrey Toobin. Sources tell VICE it’s because he exposed himself during a Zoom call last week between members of the New Yorker and WNYC radio.
Wow!
“Jeffrey Toobin has been suspended while we investigate the matter,” said New Yorker spokesperson Natalie Raabe.
What’s to investigate. Either there’s video of him yanking his crank or there isn’t.
Toobin’s explanation doesn’t make this any less horrifyingly hilarious. He actually gave Vice a statement:
“I made an embarrassingly stupid mistake, believing I was off-camera. I apologize to my wife, family, friends and co-workers. I believed I was not visible on Zoom. I thought no one on the Zoom call could see me. I thought I had muted the Zoom video,” said Toobin.
Let’s se if we have this straight: He was on a work video conference when he decided he needed to pull out his dick, so he tried to mute the feed so no one could see him wrangling his wang? Was the topic of discussion so sexually stimulating that he was overcome with the need to masturbate?
I don’t get this at all. Who needs to pull their dick out on a work video conference? Wait 10 minutes till it’s over and then pound away. This is insane.
CNN didn’t suspend Toobin, but they have granted him a leave of absence, which he allegedly requested.
“Jeff Toobin has asked for some time off while he deals with a personal issue, which we have granted,” said CNN in a statement.
Isn’t him dealing with a personal issue what got him in this mess in the first place? Also, how does one deal with having pulled out ones ding-dong in front of ones coworkers on Zoom? Is there a 12-step program for 2 inches of poor judgement?
Since Toobin is a member of the liberal media, the solution here is obvious: he should claim his junk was hacked. Adam Schiff will surly back him up that the dick in question is really Russian disinformation. Politi-Fact will argue that Toobin’s wiener was taken out of context so therefore it wasn’t taken out of his pants.
If Toobin were a conservative pundit, his career would be over but thanks to the rules of liberalism, this is nothing that can’t be bullshitted away. If Hunter Biden making a sex video in which he smokes crack is no big deal, Jeffrey Toobin’s penis is almost nothing. Probably literally.
The good news in all of this is that CNN’s credibility didn’t take a hit for hiring this pervert because they had no credibility to begin with.
Update: Vice has updated this story with some information that makes even f*cking funnier:
Two people who were on the call told VICE separately that the call was an election simulation featuring many of the New Yorker’s biggest stars: Jane Mayer was playing establishment Republicans; Evan Osnos was Joe Biden, Jelani Cobb was establishment Democrats, Masha Gessen played Donald Trump, Andrew Marantz was the far right, Sue Halpern was left wing democrats, Dexter Filkins was the military, and Jeffrey Toobin playing the courts. There were also a handful of other producers on the call from the New Yorker and WNYC.
Both people, who spoke on the condition of anonymity in order to speak freely, noted that it was unclear how much each person saw, but both said that they saw Toobin jerking off. The two sources described a juncture in the election simulation when there was a strategy session, and the Democrats and Republicans went into their respective break out rooms for about 10 minutes. At this point, they said, it seemed like Toobin was on a second video call. The sources said that when the groups returned from their break out rooms, Toobin lowered the camera. The people on the call said they could see Toobin touching his penis. Toobin then left the call. Moments later, he called back in, seemingly unaware of what his colleagues had been able to see, and the simulation continued.
Double wow!
And check out this editor’s note at the end: “This piece has been updated with more detail about the call. The headline has been updated to reflect that Toobin was masturbating.”
Rock on, Tooby.
