2020 has already been a WTF? year so it stands to reason the 2020 presidential race ends in a WTF? election. While the democrats work feverishly to steal this thing for the most WTF? guy to ever run, the WTF? liberal media pretends like nothing WTF? is going on at all. Here’s some election-themed WTF? that seems a lot less WTFy by comparison:
Election Day of the Week
Woman burns boyfriend’s genitals because he couldn’t sustain his erection
A woman from Hong Kong is facing a jail term of three years and five months for causing physical harm to her boyfriend.
The 39-year-old woman, who goes by the name of Mai Kai Qing had used a hair dryer to burn her 32-year-old boyfriend’s genitals after he had difficulties in getting an erection.
According to 8 World News, Mai had burnt them until the genitals blistered and later had reportedly picked at the scabs.
She had also knocked his head against a wall and scalded his thigh with hot water.
According to reports, the boyfriend had proposed to marry Mai in June 2018 but the marriage didn’t happen because her father didn’t approve of their relationship.
However, in a report by Taiwan Apple Daily, Mai revealed to the court that she was unhappy with her sex life.
Her boyfriend, who had difficulties in sustaining his erections was among the factors. She claimed that he would “go soft after a few seconds, or at the most, only a few minutes” whenever he puts on a condom.
While claiming that she has accepted her boyfriend for his shortcomings, Mai said she loves him a lot.
Due to language difficulties, she thought Election Day was Erection Day.
Polling of the Week
Florida driver whips out handgun when asked about his penis size
A Key West man was so insecure about his manhood that he whipped out a gun when a motorist mocked his penis after asking why he revved his Jeep’s engine…
“You must have a small d—,” Dustin Allen Kouns — a resident of Ramrod Key, no less — said the other driver told him during the Halloween night encounter on Duval Street.
Toby Keaton of Coral Springs told police he was in his car in front of Kouns’ Jeep when he heard his engine revving up, so he decided to walk over and ask the driver why he was doing that.
He said Kouns began swearing at him and pulled out a 9mm Smith & Wesson, according to the report.
“I flashed a gun at him so I was protecting myself,” police said Kouns told them, but Keaton said he feared for his life.
Kouns was arrested on felony charges of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, carrying a concealed weapon and dealing in stolen property. He told police he had bought the gun on “the street.”
He also was slapped with a misdemeanor charge of driving without a valid license…
When in doubt, don’t whip it out. That goes for dicks and guns alike.
Internal Polling of the Week
Chinese Boy Inserts 2-Foot-Long Metal Wire In His Penis to Find out Where Urine Comes From
A boy in China put a two-foot-long electrical cord into his genitals to know where his urine came from. It was recently surgically removed after three months from the incident. The 13-year-old inserted the metal wire into his penis. The boy who goes by his pseudo name, Xiao was taken to the doctors after he started urinating blood last month.
Doctors were shocked on finding that he had inserted a 70-centimetre long metal wire which was found inside his bladder in an X-ray scan. He told doctors that although he put it inside his penis, he was horrified when he realised that he couldn’t retrieve it. He did not tell his parents or anyone else as he was embarrassed and frightened of the consequences.
His operation took an hour and equipment called cystoscope was used to pull it out. Dr Cai Chongyue, the chief medic who led the operation was quoted as saying, “I didn’t expect that such a long wire could be inserted through the urethra.”
Ironically, the boy did discover where stupid comes from.
Exit Poll of the Week
Man busted for wearing fake male organ for drug test
Wichita County deputies arrested a suspect for falsifying a drug test by using a fake penis.
Deputies were sent to the Adult Probation Office Wednesday to check on a report that someone had attempted to falsify drug test results.
A probation officer said after Francisco Gutierrez was drug tested he handed the probation officer the cup. The urine inside the cup was cold to the touch, so the probation officer asked Gutierrez to lift his shirt and pull down his pants. The officer said Gutierrez was wearing a fake penis.
Gutierrez admitted the device was something called a “Whizzinator” that he had bought on the internet. Gutierrez was arrested and charged with falsification of drug test results.
The Wizzinator says, “I’ll be back…in prison.”
Flipping Districts of the Week
Dudes Are So Broke, They’re Trying to Sell Their Dicks Online
Desperate times call for desperate measures. As the COVID-19 pandemic continues to tank the economy, many people have found themselves trying to figure out how to make a quick buck. Donate plasma, perhaps? What about selling sperm? Or maybe, just maybe, you could try pawning your penis?
It’s not as ridiculous as it sounds. According to Mel magazine, there’s been a “tremendous spike” in Google searches of “Can you sell your penis?” and “How much can you sell your penis for?” since coronavirus came on the scene.
Let’s pretend we can empathize with the poor souls who are considering selling their sex organs for cash. Even if you wanted to, you can’t. The federal National Organ Transplant Act of 1984 makes it illegal to buy or sell human organs, which includes cocks. Do so anyway and you might find yourself serving five years in prison and/or shelling out up to $50K in fines.
Have some kind of burning need to donate your dick? Now that you can do – but only once you’re dead. Then, and only then, a “body broker” might be able to sell or lease (eww) your cold, flaccid member to interested parties.
“But what about the black market?” you ask. OK, fine, let’s go down that dark alley of humanity. It’s hard to put a price on a penis. The best estimate we have comes from a historical dong – that belonging to Napoleon, which raked in $3K at auction back in 1977. Peanuts, right? And that was a celebrity schlong!
That really puts the “coronavirus stimulus package” into perspective. Thanks, Pelosi.
Recount of the Week
After recently undergoing a $10,000 corrective ankle fusion surgery, that will help Rod Stewart gain an extra inch in height, the rocker is now reportedly planning to get his penis enlarged. Stewart underwent major ankle surgery after suffering an injury. The operation reportedly helped in straightening the 75-year-old’s bones in his lower legs.
…Stewart said, “My knee got fixed with a knee replacement, so then the ankle didn’t know what was going on because obviously it’s crooked because of the knees, so now I’ve had to have the angle done. So when this is all done, I should have a nice straight leg and be able to run – and then I’m going to get my knob done.”
However, when the ‘I Don’t Want to Talk About It’ singer was questioned why he wanted to enlarge his willy, he responded, “Mind your own business!”
Maybe it’s time he lived up to his name “Rod,” besides, Maggie may like it.
Stuffing the Ballot Box of the Week
Police: Man Took Sex Toy For A Test Drive
An Oklahoma man is facing an indecency charge after allegedly taking a sex toy for a test drive inside an adult novelty store, according to court records.
Gilbert Cordero, 23, was recently arrested in connection with a bizarre incident last year at an Oklahoma City business. Cordero, free on $500 bail, has pleaded not guilty to a misdemeanor charge of outraging public indecency.
According to a probable cause affidavit, Cordero “went into a sex toy shop and tried a piece of merchandise which was out on display.” Specifically, the business was Carlie’s and the item in question was “an Auto Blow device.”
Cops charge that after Cordero walked up to a merchandise shelf, he licked his fingers on one hand and then used those digits “to get his penis wet.” Cordero, whose actions were recorded by a store surveillance camera, then “also licks his fingers on his other hand and appears to get the entrance area of the Auto Blow wet.”
As a 28-year-old female employee watched on a security monitor, Cordero placed his penis into the sex toy and began “thrusting his hips into the” Autoblow. He eventually returned the device to a shelf and walked away after the worker “hit an alarm they have inside the store.”
The employee told police that she recognized Cordero “as he has previously put in job applications at this establishment.”
Dude knows his stuff. They should have hired him.
Hanging Chads of the Week
James Rodriguez Suffered ‘A Blow To The Testicles’ In Challenge With Virgil Van Dijk
James Rodriguez has reportedly suffered ‘a blow to the testicles’ following a challenge with Virgil van Dijk in the Merseyside derby.
Van Dijk is now facing a lengthy spell on the sidelines with a serious ACL injury caused by a horrendous challenge from Jordan Pickford at Goodison Park, but Rodriguez also suffered a painful injury during a collision with the Dutch defender.
It happened less than a minute into the 2-2 draw and wasn’t really highlighted until Carlo Ancelotti said the Colombian was a doubt for the next game against Southampton after the run-in with Van Dijk.
Details of the injury had been scarce but now MARCA Colombia have revealed it was a nasty blow down below.
As per the exclusive story, via Sport Witness, the former Real Madrid and Bayern Munich man has been undergoing “pressure therapy” and using a “NORMATEC” machine that is promoting blood circulation and reducing bruising courtesy of pumping air pressure on the legs.
Is that guy’s name pronounced Virgil “Van Dick” or Virgil “Van Dyke?” Either way, it works.
Pool Report of the Week
Alleged victim says swim school instructor ‘accidentally touched my part you’re not allowed to’
A young girl covered her face as she nervously told a detective her former swim teacher Kyle Daniels had “accidentally touched my part that you’re not allowed to” in an interview played to a jury on Monday.
The girl, eight years old at the time the interview was recorded in March 2019, told Detective Emma Stewart it happened “this year, and he did it twice”.
She said the first touch happened as she launched off the wall for a lap of freestyle.
Mr Daniels gave her an extra push, touching her vagina as he did so, she said.
“I’m sure he did that to everyone but I’m not sure he did that to everyone,” she said in the video played to the jury.
“He might have just done it by accident.”
“Why do you say that?” Ms Stewart asked.
“Because why would he have done it on purpose?”
The girl in the interview played on Monday is the older of two sisters who both say Mr Daniels touched them.
She said the second touch happened as Mr Daniels was correcting her diving posture.
When they got home, she wrote a note for her parents that read: “The reason I didn‘t like my swimming lesson was because my teacher touched my _____”.
The blank word was vagina, the court heard.
This also could have been the “Joe Biden of the Week.”
Illegal Ballot of the Week
Diagnosed with severe vaginal infection, woman given triple talaq by husband in Gujarat
A woman from Gujarat’s Kheda town has registered a police complaint against her husband for giving her ‘triple talaq’ or instant divorce, a punishable act under law, after she was diagnosed with a vaginal infection.
The complainant, identified as Shabana Syed (24), stated that she got married to Siddique Ali Syed, a private company employee, in May last year. Soon after the wedding, he began misbehaving with her, she said, adding that he threatened to leave her for minor mistakes.
In July this year, she learned that she has conceived. Her gynaecologist advised her to maintain good hygiene. As she used to be occupied with household work, she failed to follow the advice and developed an infection in her vagina, Shabana, who is an arts graduate, said.
Shabana asked Siddique to take her to a doctor, but he did not pay heed to it. Last month, she developed a high fever and started vomiting blood. Following this, she was taken to a doctor by her parents. The doctor told her that she has a “severe vaginal infection”, according to a report by The Times of India.
She was kept under treatment at the hospital for four days and her husband, who left after the doctor confirmed the infection, did not come back to see her. After she was discharged from the hospital, she went to her parents’ house with them.
She said her husband, on October 27, came to her parents’ house and began abusing her family members while she was sleeping. He asked them to give him Rs 1.50 lakh so that he could solemnise marriage with another woman. After this, he uttered ‘talaq’ three times in front of her family and left, the complainant stated.
Later, when Shabana woke up, her family told her that Siddique had given her ‘triple talaq’. Following this, she lodged a police complaint against him under the Muslim Women (Protection of Rights on Divorce) Act on October 31.
Obviously Sharia Law can’t allow Muslim men to divorce women for having stinky pussies.
Absentee Ballot of the Week
Rumoured male genital diasppearance, a ploy to hate, stagnate development
Amid rumours of the alleged disappearance of male genitals through mystical powers, Gov. Samuel Ortom of Benue, on Wednesday, dismissed such rumours as “baseless and the handiwork of mischief makers“.
The News Agency of Nigeria (NAN) reports that the alleged claims had led to acts of arson in Daudu in the Guma Local Government Area of the state.
Ortom, who refuted the claims when he visited Daudu in Guma Local Government Area, where the alleged genital disappearance occurred, explained that ” there was no single confirmed case of the incident”.
The governor said the concocted tales of male genital disappearance was not true but only meant to encourage hatred and underdevelopment of the area.
The governor, who requested those with complaints of missing genital organs to present themselves for physical examination, only one person turned out but could not prove his claim of genital disappearance hence his male organ was still intact.
It takes a lot of balls to claim you have no dick.
Returned Ballot of the Week
‘Phantom poo-er’ leaves nasty surprise outside Oswestry business
Staff at Hartey Wealth Management, in Salop Road, were left in shock after discovering CCTV footage which showed a passer-by defecate beside one of the building’s walls.
The culprit could be seen squatting at the side of the building at around 4.30pm on Sunday, and leaving shortly afterwards without cleaning up their mess.
It was not a welcome surprise for manager of the Salop Road business, Karl Hartey, who posted pictures of the incident captured on CCTV onto Facebook.
He posted: “Anyone know who this guy is, he decided to do a dump on our office door step on Salop Road, on Sunday around 4.30pm, he left something behind which we would like to return to him.”
The Turd Burglar’s archenemy strikes again!
In-Person Voting of the Week
Villager who exposed genitals turns himself in after seeing self on Villages-News.com
A Villager who allegedly exposed his genitals while masturbating in a public place turned himself in after seeing himself on Villages-News.com.
Glenn James Yagle, 59, who lives with his 90-year-old mother at 1726 Palm Aire Drive in the Village of Orange Blossom Gardens, is facing a charge of indecent exposure as a result of the incident.
Yagle went to an office at the Oakland Hills Professional Center shortly before 8 p.m. July 27 and disrobed from the waist down, while wearing an orange polo shirt and sandals, according to an arrest report from the Sumter County Sheriff’s Office. While standing at the door of the office, exposing his genitals, he began to masturbate. A Ring doorbell sent a “Back Door Motion” alert to a woman’s cell phone. She logged in and saw a man masturbating in real time.
In a search for the suspect, the sheriff’s office sent out an alert via social media which was picked up by Villages-News.com.
Yagle contacted the sheriff’s office and said he wanted to turn himself in. When he went to the sheriff’s office, he was accompanied by his elderly mother. He said he was her sole caregiver. He admitted he was the man captured in the surveillance footage.
“He stated that he was looking for some privacy and he remembered that particular plaza had a lot of privacy in the back corner,” the detective wrote in the arrest report
Yagle said he did not think that a camera was present.
“He said he had seen the post with his picture on Villages-News.com and figured he better call in and explain himself,” the report said.
He would have been better off whacking it in front of his elderly mother.
Split Vote of the Week
Man with crack between his buttocks found not guilty of drugs supply offences
Prosecutors had claimed that James Howkins had the drugs – along with a so-called ‘burner phone’ and drugs paraphernalia – as part of a drug-dealing operation.
A jury was told that after the class A drugs were found Mr Howkins admitted having the illegal substances but only for ‘personal use.’
During the case it was said that police detained Mr Howkins in Oxford on May 17 this year.
When he was searched it was claimed that ‘he admitted quite frankly that he had class A drugs between his bottom cheeks.’
On arrest he was also found to have two mobile phones on his person; one was a smart phone and the other was described as a ‘burner phone.’
At the end of the trial on Wednesday jurors took three hours and 26 minutes to find him unanimously not guilty.
Everyone has a crack between their buttocks. This is not news or a crime.
Swing States of the Week
Teen with 34I breasts raises cash for reduction surgery after years of cruel jibes
Vicky Rog, 19, has one of the biggest natural busts in Britain for her tiny 5ft 4in frame.
She says she cannot find proper fitting bras or go to the gym because of her “ever-growing boobs”.
Size 8 Vicky had to buy a size 22 bikini top and was taunted by kids at school.
She loved long-distance running and playing football when she was younger but had to give them up because of her 1½ stone breasts.
Vicky told The Sun: “Everyone always says they’re a gift but they’re just not at all. They are a curse.
“I have the back issues of a 60-year-old because of them. I got the nickname of ‘Big Boob Vicky’ at school. I would laugh it off but it really got to me.
“Men regularly make comments and when I go out clubbing I always end up with someone grabbing me inappropriately.”
The administrator, of Bushey, Herts, has set up a GoFundMe website appeal to raise £5,000 after three years on an NHS waiting list and being told she may have to wait another six.
She has raised £160 so far and added: “I am so grateful.”
I’m confused. She works at “Bushey Herts” but her boobs are causing the pain?
Red State of the Week
WV man charged after hitting 9-year-old girl ‘on the buttocks’ and ‘bruising her face’
A man has been charged after hitting a juvenile female “on the buttocks” and “left bruising on her face” in Bruceton Mills, deputies said.
On Nov. 3, deputies with the Preston County Sheriff’s Department responded to a child abuse complaint at a residence in Bruceton Mills, according to a criminal complaint.
When deputies arrived, they met with a witness and the 9-year-old female victim, and deputies were able to observe “severe bruising that completely covered both cheeks of the juvenile’s buttocks,” deputies said.
The victim told officers that the injuries occurred while she was with John Rust, 36, of Bruceton Mills, and that Rust “came into her bedroom and struck her on the buttocks,” then “put her on the floor and continued to strike her on the buttocks,” deputies said.
The only way she got bruises on the face from being struck on the buttocks is if she’s a butthead, which would explain the spanking.
Battle Ground State of the Week
Inebriated York County man had indecent contact with woman after drinking 13 beers in 90 minutes
Police have charged a 48-year-old York County man with a misdemeanor count of indecent assault without consent after he allegedly had indecent physical contact with a woman in his Thomasville home last Friday night.
Bruce Hess Jr., of the 5200 block of Lincoln Highway West, was drunk during the incident, which occurred around 11 p.m., the victim reported.
Hess later told police he had drank 13 beers over a period of about 90 minutes while he was playing cards with the victim and her mother, according to a criminal complaint affidavit.
After the card game ended, the victim told police, she went to bed. Sometime later, an inebriated Hess woke her up by pulling down her pants and touching her without permission, the victim reported.
The victim repeatedly told Hess to stop, and he eventually complied, police say. He then passed out next to the victim.
Some time later, the victim reported, she was awakened by Hess a second time as he attempted to pull down her pants and touch her. She told him to stop, and he complied.
Police spoke to Hess, who reported he was “black out drunk” and did not remember having any contact with the victim. He said it was possible, but that it “did not sound like something (he) would do.”
That mug shot sure says it sounds like something he would do.
Final Tally of the Week
Dog tragically dies after being ‘gang raped’ and ‘stabbed 30 times’ in horror attack
A dog left with horrific injuries after being “gang-raped” and stabbed 30 times has died.
The distressed dog was found on the streets of Bogota, Columbia on November 1…
Reports also stated the dog had recently delivered a litter of puppies when the incident took place.
Marta Buitrago, the resident who found her, told the newspaper El Tiempo the dog appeared injured and very weak.
Another woman, Liliana Guerrero, shared pictures and videos on Facebook who said the dog “was stabbed many times and sexually abused by several people”.
“Because she wouldn’t allow it, they stabbed her,” Liliana added, before adding the dog had sadly died from her injuries.
“They destroyed her genitals, stabbed her almost 30 times, punched her and caused other superficial injuries,” Liliana continued.
“The dog could not cope with the amount of pain.”
She added she was felt unable to convey the “enormous sadness and helplessness I feel” following the animal’s tragic death.
The perfect metaphor for what a Joe Biden presidency would mean for America.
