Using the same anonymous sources the liberal media has relied on to report fake news for the last 4 years, Def-Con News has gained exclusive coverage of the New Year’s resolutions of many top democrats. Then again, maybe we just made all this crap up, which is exactly what the liberal media has been doing for the past 4 years.
House of Representatives
According to an anonymous source with knowledge of the situation, Muslim Rep. Ilhan Omar has resolved to only sleep with married men who work for her in 2021. No more banging her brother if she can stay on the wagon and that’s a big “if.”
A person who requested anonymity tells us that California Rep. Adam Schiff’s New Year’s resolution is to find a custom dress shirt with a suitable collar for his pencil neck. He also plans to spend 2021 looking for a way to blame his bug eyes on Russia since Trump is gone and he’s sitting on so much evidence of Russian collusion.
An insider says that NY Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has vowed to add another class of victimhood to her resume in 2021 so she can be an empowered transgender woman of color and use that triple threat to deflect from her intellectual limitations. She has also resolved to find out what a U.S. Representative does as well as what “U.S.” stands for.
NY Rep. Jerry Nadler’s New Year’s resolution is to sue the Zoltar fortune teller machine because when he wished he was “big” he meant tall, not fat, according to a source within his gravitational pull.
Senate
An Elizabeth Warren source has said that the Massachusetts Senator has resolved to find a new ethnicity to culturally appropriate since, as a liberal, being white is such a bummer. Word is she is leaning toward becoming an Eskimo because she likes snow and mukluks cover up her chicken legs.
Someone who wishes to not be named overheard Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders making his New Year’s resolution from one of his many mansions. Apparently the elderly socialist has vowed to keep his 79-year streak of not having a real job going for 2021 by doing nothing and living off of other people’s money. He also aims to figure out why the CEO of Walmart makes more money than the guy who cleans the toilets.
Dianne Feinstein made a New Years resolution but can’t remember what it was. A source close to the California Senator says she was mumbling something about assault weapons and Chinese spies when she suddenly started humming the Jeopardy theme while staring at a picture of discredited rape accuser Christine Blasey Ford.
Chuck Schumer’s New Years resolution, an anonymous source says, is to get his balls back from Nancy Pelosi. According to the NY Senator, she has enough of her own and he’d like to wear a speedo this summer without looking like he has cameltoe. He would also like to introduce a Senate resolution stating that it’s okay for a man to cry.
Governors
California Governor Gavin Newsom is going to party like it’s 2019.
Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer will continue to suck.
Virginia Governor Ralph Northam is going to mandate blackface masks.
NY Governor Andrew Cuomo is going to kill some mothers*ckers with corona.
Executive Branch
Anonymous sources say that VP-elect Kamla Harris’ New Years resolution is to be more relatable by lying about smoking pot while listening to rap records that haven’t been released yet. She’s also trying to figure out a way to sleep with a married man to get a promotion to the White House.
And finally, an anonymous insider who wishes to remain anonymous and not be named has pulled a direct quote of president-elect Joe Biden’s New Year’s resolution:
“Look, fat, I’m Joe Obama, a democratic candidate for the United States Senate, not a joke, and on day one I promise badakathcare and trueandanashdasuffaprzur because you ain’t black, you lying dog-faced pony soldier, come on, man,” said Biden.
2021 is going to be lit.
The sad thing is, everything written in this obviously satirical article is more factual than almost everything the liberal media has reported about President Trump for the past 4 years.
