The major WTF? moment this week was when John Kerry said we have to destroy all life on this planet to save life on this planet. Here’s some other slightly less apocalyptic WTF?:
Headline of the Week
Sex Pastor remanded for washing vagina and stimulating clitoris of church member
The Koforidua Magistrate Court ‘B’ in the Eastern regional capital has remanded a 43-year-old pastor, Addo Gyimah into prison custody for allegedly washing the vagina of a female church member, stimulating her clitoris and eventually having anal sex with a church member.
According to the prosecutor, on October 13, 2020, at about 4:30 am after an all-night service, the pastor revealed to the victim that her chronic illness had spiritual underpinnings and therefore required ‘spiritual’ cleansing in order to cast out the demons from her.
The pastor therefore asked the victim to come to his house for spiritual ‘direction’.
The accused obliged and when he got to the pastor’s house he took an anointing oil and something he called holy water and asked the victim to lie down so that he could wash her vagina with it for her as part of the cleansing exercise.
The prosecutor said in the process of washing the victim’s vagina, the accused person put his fingers into the vagina and stimulated her clitoris.
The accused pastor allegedly forced the victim and had anal sex with her, after which he warned her not to inform anybody about it.
Out of fear, the victim did not inform anyone but after few days she began to bleed from her anus.
Don’t want sex? Don’t go to a sex pastor? It’s pretty simple.
Junk of the Week
Docs use saw to cut DIY sex toy off junkie’s penis
A Moroccan junkie’s do-it-yourself sex toy cut off the blood supply to his penis and had to be cut off with an electric saw.
Both his penis and scrotum became “swollen, blue and cold to the touch” as a result of his drug-fueled, hormone-charged hijinks.
But even when he arrived at the hospital, he remained erect — a shocking 12 hours after squeezing his bits through a steel ring.
At the hospital, he admitted that he used the 4 cm in diameter gold ring to maintain an erection while masturbating.
At the Marrakech University Hospital medics first used bolt cutters to remove the ring but their efforts fell flat.
Docs using a rotating saw eventually succeeded in freeing the imprisoned penis.
But according to Urology Case Reports, cold water had to be constantly applied to cool the area and keep the saw from frying his phallus.
The unidentified man’s genitals returned to normal colour and size without any lingering damage.
Dr. Abdel Latabi wrote in Urology Case Files: “Genital decompression should be as quick as possible to try to recover the external genital organs. The electric saw is very useful, particularly for devices with large thickness, but it is absolutely necessary to take precautions so as not to damage the underlying tissues.”
Penis strangulation can be serious and in some cases doctors are forced to amputate the entire penis so gangrene doesn’t spread.
Junky nearly junked his junk.
Hairy Penis of the Week
Prince Harry’s job title, CHIMPO, reportedly means ‘penis’ in Japan
Prince Harry is drawing some chuckles for his new gig at a California startup, where he is known by the cockeyed acronym “CHIMPO” – which means “penis” in Japan.
The Duke of Sussex has been named chief impact officer of BetterUp Inc., an online coaching and mental health firm, where he told the Wall Street Journal that he plans “to help create impact in people’s lives.”
But the acronym of his Silicon Valley title has made quite an impact by itself so far, according to Japanese news site SoraNews24, which pointed out its phallic meaning in the country.
“It doesn’t matter what age you are, the word ‘chimpo’ always raises a smile,” one person said in social media, according to the outlet.
“So his role is Chief Pole Officer?” another user wondered.
“Now he’s a Royal C–ck?” yet another user asked.
And a fourth wrote: “Imagine if he came to Japan and introduced himself as a ‘chimpo’ to officials? I’d love to see their faces!”
Coincidentally, his wife Meghan Marckle’s name means “c*nt” in every language.
Power Grab of the Week
Murphy says DGA chair ‘doing a great job’ despite genital grabbing settlement
Gov. Phil Murphy demurred when asked if Democratic Governor Association Chairwoman Michelle Lujan Grisham should resign over a settlement to a suit brought by a former campaign staffer who accused the New Mexico governor of grabbing his genitals.
“I think Gov. Lujan Grisham is doing a great job running the DGA,” Murphy said. “I’m its finance chair, so I don’t make the jurisdictional decisions any longer as I did when I was chair, but I think she’s doing a great job, and New Mexico, I think, is doing a very good job in the pandemic more generally.”
Lujan Grisham reportedly entered into a settlement worth at least $62,500 to close out a suit brought by James Hallinan, who served as her campaign’s communications director.
Even the women of the democratic party are handsy.
Crap of the Week
Pooping in supermarket checkout lands Kitakyushu man 300,000 yen fine
At about 4 a.m. on 18 February in Kitakyushu City, Fukuoka Prefecture, a heavily intoxicated man wandered into a 24-hour supermarket and approached a cashier in the checkout aisles.
“I wanna poop,” he informed the staff member, who then told him that the restroom was locked overnight for security reasons. While most people at that point would head off in search of another place to defecate, this man simply said, “I’ll do it here,” dropped his pants, and let nature take its course right there in the checkout aisle.
He was promptly arrested for the indecent exposure and ultimately charged with obstruction of business, given the extensive clean-up that was required afterward. Such a crime holds a maximum penalty of three years in prison or 500,000 yen (US$4,630) fine.
Another sad case of misinterpreting the “Fine for Shitting” sign.
Craps of the Week
Man, 24, charged in fatal shooting during Bronx dice game robbery
A Bronx man faces murder charges after firing a fatal bullet into another man’s buttocks during a dice game robbery earlier this month.
Jason Perez, 24, was busted Monday and charged with the April 7 killing of 21-year-old Tziah Townsend of Brooklyn.
Cops say Perez shot Townsend just after 12:20 a.m., behind a building at NYCHA’s Claremont Parkway-Franklin Avenue Houses in Claremont.
The bullet struck Townsend’s buttocks, and apparently traveled inside his body, tearing through several organs, police sources said. He died at Saint Barnabas Hospital, cops said.
Perez is charged with murder, manslaughter and robbery.
He rolled snake eyes and then took one in the brown eye.
Mug of the Week
Edward Zackery Ferguson, 33 of Rome, was arrested this week after police said he was found walking in the roadway while highly intoxicated.
Reports said that Ferguson was found in a state of intoxication that was “a hazard to himself and others”.
He was taken into custody on the Armuchee connector at Three Mile Road. Ferguson is charged with pedestrian under the influence of alcohol and obstruction
When you are drunk, all roads lead to Rome.
Dear Def-Con News – Weekly Advice Column
Do you or your partner check your balls?
No, I juggle them – DCN
What are blue balls and when to worry?
Balls that are blue and only if they aren’t supposed to be blue – DCN
Does Masturbation Increase Blood Pressure?
No but it releases sperm pressure – DCN
If it’s like throwing a hotdog down a hallway, yes – DCN
Does Endometriosis Cause Changes in Vaginal Discharge?
Don’t fear change – DCN
What just happened to my residency?
Did you look under the car seat? That’s where I usually find lost items – DCN
What’s causing woman’s hair to fall out?
My dog sheds in the Spring, so maybe that – DCN
Can breast oil make your breasts bigger?
Probably not but it will definitely make them oilier – DCN
What is this fascination with female breasts?
They are more interesting than man boobs – DCN
Why Aren’t Women Satisfied With Their Breasts?
Women aren’t satisfied with anything and boobs are things – DCN
No and neither is the Leprechaun who tells me to burn things – DCN
Happy Boobs of the Week
WE ALL have a preferred style when it comes to what we want to wear on our wedding day, and with so many options and factors to consider, choosing the right one could take some time.
One bride decided on a simple strapless gown as many woman do, and snaps of her wearing it have since gone viral online – but for all the wrong reasons.
You see, the strapless design means her décolletage is exposed and with that so too is her very large bright yellow tattoo which covers her chest area.
But it’s not just any tattoo, it appears to be two yellow-faced emojis – one above each of her boobs – and it’s caused quite the discussion online.
What’s more, the two not so discrete emoji-style etchings are joined by an inked strap which goes over each shoulder.
The unusual body art design makes it look as if she’s wearing a “smiley face bra”, according to some people, and Facebook users are not ok with it.
Snaps were posted anonymously on Facebook where people took aim at the look.
Many were intrigued and were desperate to know what the entire tattoo looked like.
One wrote: “I’m not sure I’ve ever wanted to see a girl topless more for completely non-sexual reasons.”
Another added: “I need to see the entire tattoo! Like, is her entire boob just a yellow smiley face?”
But other were left scratching their head.
One slammed: “Whoever tattooed her needs to never ever ever ever ever ever be allowed to work again, ever.”
And another questioned: “Why? I have so many questions.
“Who goes to the tattoo shop and says ‘Can I get a smiley face bra on my boobs?'”
A happy person with boobs. Duh.
Sad Boobs of the Week
Model finally happy with boobs after spending £72k on 7 surgeries that ‘mangled’ chest
Calista Melissa Mingst, from Dallas, Texas, has been going under the knife since she was 24.
As a young woman, she was self conscious about her natural 30D bust and wanted it bigger.
Calista enhanced her curves to 30DD with 300cc implants.
But when she moved to LA for work in 2008, she decided to go under the knife again.
After losing 40lbs in weight, her breasts got smaller so she boosted them to 30G with 1100cc saline implants.
She said: “At first, I was extremely pleased with the results but after six months the right implant started to fall lower than the left one.
“It stopped almost two inches further down the chest wall.
“The doctor convinced me he could repair the issue, so I went back the following year and came out a little bigger at 1400cc – making me a 30J cup.”
Sadly, the procedure wasn’t successful and the star decided on yet another surgery.
Calista opted to book her fourth boob job with a different surgeon in Florida.
But unfortunately, damage from previous ops caused a downward drift once again.
The model recalled: “The new surgeon had reinforced it but the damage had already been done.
“A hole literally opened up in my skin on the bottom side of my right breast – it was about the size of a dime.”
She added: “There was no pain, only fear. I was confronted with two choices: try to repair again, knowing there wasn’t a great chance of success, or explant, heal, come back and try again later.
Calista felt “disfigured” after having her implants removed in 2014 and hated how her breasts looked.
It wasn’t until 2017 that she tried for another breast enhancement.
Calista got “conservative” 400cc saline implants at first – before getting her boobs even bigger.
She had her final op, which involved 800c implants, and is finally happy with the results.
The plastic surgery regular has spent around £72,000 on her transformation in total.
How can a story about boobs be this boring? This should have been the “Who Gives A F*ck” of the week.
Chocolate Rain of the Week
Suspected Human Feces Falls From Plane Onto Family’s California Home
A California family believes their home was bombarded with human waste from a low-flying plane over the weekend.
Michelle Steinberg said she and her family were swimming in the pool in the backyard of their Studio City home on Sunday when they noticed a “horrible stench” and saw droplets falling from a plane flying overhead.
“All of a sudden we smelled this horrible stench,” Michelle Steinberg’s 11-year-old daughter Ellie told CBS 2/KCAL 9.
“I thought the smell was fertilizer maybe from the neighbor’s yard,” family friend Gianna added.
Jumping out of the pool, the girls said they found “foul smelling droplets” all over their back porch and believed the droplets were from human waste that had fallen out of an airplane lavatory.
“Just splatters of brown everywhere,” Ellie Steinberg said as her friend added: “It was definitely waste.”
The family’s Southern Californian Studio City home is directly under the flight path for the Burbank Airport and planes frequently fly overhead.
The family said they hosed down the area but believe a more thorough cleaning is needed if the substance is, in fact, human waste.
It could have been a pterodactyl or a pantsless hang glider with diarrhea.
Great Escape of the Week
Inmate shoves cellphone up rectum, escapes hospital through ceiling
An inmate who is being held on a slew of charges at the Miami-Dade County Pre-Trial Detention Center is now facing an escape charge after he shoved a cellphone up his rectum and then tried to escape from Jackson Memorial Hospital, authorities said.
According to his arrest report, Israel Granda, 32, of Medley, was taken to the hospital Wednesday after the cellphone incident and was given medication to stimulate a bowel movement.
Police said Granda used the bathroom in his hospital room as a corrections officer waited for him outside the door.
The officer called out to Granda by his first name a short time later, but got no response.
Police said the officer then opened the bathroom door and discovered that Granda had escaped through the ceiling.
He was found a short time later on the first floor of the North Garage, authorities said.
Granda was then escorted back to his hospital room, where he continues to receive treatment.
This guy is very confused as to what constitutes an exit.
Find of the Week
Kentucky John Doe found half buried under a fire pit
On July 18, 2020, a couple of hunters were making some preparations for the fall on a piece of land they leased on the edge of Boyd County, up at the Industrial Parkway.
The week prior, according to authorities, they had smelled something rancid, perhaps a dead animal. This time, they followed the stench — that’s when Boyd County Coroner Mark Hammond said they found a human buttocks sticking out of the ground.
On top of the buttocks was a bit of rock and the charred remnants of a fire, according to Hammond. Kentucky State Police Detective Matthew Boarman said that fire could have been from any number of scenarios — evidence disposal, trying to conceal a smell or lit by people who didn’t even know there was a human body underneath it.
Once the body was exhumed, it became quickly apparent to authorities they had a homicide on their hands…
When I die, bury me facedown so that the whole world can kiss my ass!
Narrative Buster of the Week
Intoxicated Concealed Carry Holder Points Weapon at Police; Released on Bail
Gregory Arrington escaped his demise as he was found the night of April 11 unconscious in his van with a gun on his lap. Officers were first dispatched to Arrington’s location based on ShotSpotter technology. As they came upon his van, five shell casings were found lying outside the vehicle before finding Arrington unconscious.
Arrington would awake soon pointing his weapon at the officers, who all took cover as each saw the muzzle pointed their way. Arrington would eventually surrender himself and step out of the van as officers repeatedly ordered him to put down his weapon. Police found three rounds inside Arrington’s gun, as well as his speech mumbled and odored with alcohol.
As Arrington had a clean record before the occurrence, he would be released after a $1,000 deposit to his $10,000 bail less than 12 hours later.
This situation could have ended a whole world’s worse for Arrington, but fortunately for him, he was able to walk away with his life, albeit at the price of $1,000.
But the TV says that cops always kill black men with weapons. What gives?
Sample of the Week
‘Fecal samples’: The next frontier in fighting West Philly gentrification?
Gentrification has been linked to a range of possible health problems, including hypertension and increased stress. But now a West Philadelphia community group opposed to the construction of an apartment complex is asking neighbors for a most personal donation to determine if gentrification could increase the risk of colorectal cancer.
“Could you please donate your fecal sample (a fingernail size)?” asks a letter from West Philly United Neighbors that was distributed to residents lastweekend. “All equipment needed for you to collect the fecal sample by yourself at your convenience will be provided by us.”
West Philly United Neighbors, a registered community organization that is fighting a proposed development at 48th Street and Chester Avenue, said in the letter that the samples will be used to “investigate if the development would adversely affect the neighbors’ microbiota and increase the risk of developing colorectal cancer.”
Naturally, people had questions. Some thought the letter was a gross prank. Others speculated whether it was some sort of psyops scheme hatched by the developer.
Using shit to keep the neighborhood shitty.
Dropper of the Week
Dangerous mishap when woman glues an eye shut with what she thought were eye drops
Yacedrah Williams is thankful her vision wasn’t permanently damaged after a terrifying ordeal Thursday when she accidentally grabbed a small bottle of glue used to repair broken fingernails instead of eye drops.
The small bottle of eye drops is about the same size as the one containing nail glue. And both bottles were in her purse when she woke up around 1 am to take her contact lens out.
Still a bit groggy from waking up, Williams accidentally grabbed the nail glue. She tipped her head back and it was only after the clear liquid had formed a drop that was about to fall did Williams realize the bottle was not the right color, but it was too late.
“I tried to wipe it away and it sealed my eye shut,” said Williams who began yelling for her husband, Derrick, to wake up and call 911.
“She went into a panic,” he said. “I tried to keep her from panicking but then I said, ‘Derrick, this is in her eye not yours.'”
Derrick look like he wishes Yacedrah would have glued her mouth shut.
Gobbler of the Week
Man on trial in Madrid, Spain, for ‘killing and eating his mother’
A man has gone on trial in Spain for allegedly killing his mother, cutting up her body and eating her remains.
Alberto Sánchez Gómez was arrested in 2019 after police went to the home of his 66-year-old mother following concerns from a friend.
Police said they found body parts scattered around the apartment – some kept in plastic containers.
The defendant has told the court he does not remember dismembering and eating his mother
He is reported to have been suffering from a personality disorder as well as a drug habit prior to his arrest.
Spanish media say he had been known to police because of violence against his mother, María Soledad Gómez, and that he had breached a restraining order at the time of his arrest.
The court heard of the macabre scene police found at the home in eastern Madrid in February 2019.
Some of the human remains were in the process of being cooked and others stored in containers, El Mundo newspaper reports.
The defendant, who was 26 at the time, reportedly confessed to strangling his mother and said he had sometimes eaten the body parts and sometimes given them to the dog.
Good boy.
Fencer of the Week
Florida man ‘lost it,’ shot and killed neighbor who kept shooting his fence, police say
A Tampa, Florida man said he “lost it” when he shot and killed his neighbor who had allegedly been shooting at his fence Monday.
The Tampa Police Department said 37-year-old Nelson Espinal called 911 Monday and said he shot and killed his neighbor.
Espinal told detectives he had an ongoing dispute with his neighbor, who Espinal said was shooting at his fence. He said it happened again Monday, so he went into his house, got his gun and confronted the man. He said he expressed his concern for his children at his home.
Espinal said his neighbor held up two middle fingers and said, “I don’t give a f***.”
That’s when Espinal said he “lost it” and shot his neighbor multiple times. He said he then walked back into his house, called 911 and went outside to wait for police.
The victim was found laying in his front yard about 50 feet from the fenced property line when officers arrived.
It turns out Robert Frost was full of shit when he said, “Good fences make good neighbors.”
WTF? of the Week
An ax-wielding attacker chopped a woman’s leg, took over a magazine store and locked herself in an elevator during a bizarre Upper East Side rampage Monday night, police sources said.
The surreal scene unfolded in an apartment on E. 85th St. at York Ave. at about 8 p.m., when the attacker got into an argument with her 28-year-old victim, sources said.
The victim and suspect knew each other and were at a mutual friend’s place when the 22-year-old attacker used a small hatchet to hack a gash into her right shin, sources said.
“I was scared. I looked at my ankle and I was bleeding. It was very weird,” the victim told the Daily News.
The woman then climbed out of the apartment window and used the fire escape to get on the building’s roof. Somehow, she made her way back to ground level and rushed into International News and Magazines, on E. 86th St., scaring the clerk.
The clerk told The News she grabbed two packs of cigarettes and told him, “These are $30, I’ll pay you back.”
“I know her as a customer. Her palms were covered in blood. She had an ax,” said the clerk, who didn’t give his name. “She came in my store and said, ‘Help me. They’re coming to kill me.’ She kept talking about ‘the cat, the cat, they’re going to kill the cat.’”
He said he ran outside, terrified, and called the police.
“She was a very nice lady. I can’t believe she did this. We used to talk about stocks,” he said.
The woman then got on an M86 bus, but stepped off after it traveled a single block, police sources said.
She rushed into an apartment building on E. 86th St. near York Ave., and pleaded for the doorman there to help her.
“She said ‘Hide me!’ I said, ‘No, you have an ax!’” the shocked doorman told The News. “Then she ran into the elevator and locked herself in. I was bugging out.”
The NYPD’s Emergency Service Unit coaxed her out of the elevator about 20 minutes later and took her into custody.
Before police took her away, the attacker told a reporter, ”Please, sir, oxygen, I need oxygen. Please help me, sir. Please, officers.”
Hot stock tips from the insane lady: put all your money in Amalgamated Cats, United Elevators, and the Oxygen Network.
