The biggest WTF? this week isn’t that the economy is tanking under Biden but rather that the illegitimate president says it’s a sign of progress and moving in the right direction. Here’s some other WTF? that is the opposite of progressing in the right direction:
Headline of the Week
An ex-convict feared he had fractured his penis during sex after he woke up with a massively swollen member.
But instead, the 41-year-old had just knocked the domino fragment that he shoved into his penis while in jail two years earlier.
The former drug addict carved a piece of domino into an arrow shape and inserted it between his skin and penile muscle to ‘enhance sexual stimulation’.
Doctors in New York, who treated him, assumed he had snapped his penis because of how swollen it was.
Yet the unidentified man suffered no pain during sex, nor did he hear the dreaded ‘pop’ sound – the hallmark sign of the grisly injury.
Medics felt a 1.5cm-long object buried in his penis, which prompted him to confess about what the lump actually was.
He revealed that during his time in prison he had used a ‘pencil’ to push the domino fragment into his penis. Doctors noted his penis was severely infected and bruised.
The medics who published the story in the Urology Case Reports journal revealed he was given antibiotics to fight off his bacterial infection.
Dr Jason Elyaguov and colleagues said he returned 18 months later for a follow-up and claimed he could have sex and urinate without trouble.
However, they said that he refused surgery to remove the fragment of domino – which was still buried underneath his skin.
There was nothing accidental about this. Also, define “better.”
Oh, Snap! of the Week
MMA fighter rushed to hospital after snapping penis in horrific sex injury
In a brand new episode of TLC’s Sex Sent Me To The ER, Ray Elbe was forced to undergo an emergency operation on his privates when a quick moment of intimacy with his girlfriend turned into a bloody nightmare (literally) as they fell out of sync and she accidentally crushed him.
‘We got a little bit intimate in the heat of passion, and she happened to be on top of me in this situation,’ Ray recalled in an exclusive clip shared with Metro.co.uk.
‘Unfortunately, as she went a little bit too high, I slipped out, and when she came back down I was still obviously fully erect, and basically [she] bent me over the top.’
Within a matter of seconds, the couple’s romance had turned into a scene out of a horror film.
‘I remember immediately my erection [shrinking noise] as blood just spurt all over the place,’ he said.
‘I’ve had some significant injuries, but as far as the actual pain, and I was in shock at that point, it was brutal.’
With his penis completely bent out of shape, Ray remembered running to the bathroom to grab a towel to stem the bleeding, only for matters to escalate.
‘There was so much blood loss that I felt light-headed and then I lost consciousness,’ he continued. ‘I ended up cracking the bottom of my jaw on the floor as I fell.’
On arrival at the hospital, doctors diagnosed him with a ruptured urethra and an injured dorsal vein and artery. Essentially, Ray had fractured his penis.
‘Man, it brings tears to your eyes. I don’t care who you are or how tough you are as an individual, it was just a humbling experience,’ Ray recounted.
The vagina can be a dangerous octagon to enter as well.
Stretch of the Week
Men With Larger Noses Have Bigger Penises, According to New Study
The bigger the nose, the bigger the penis…right? Well, that’s not quite how the adage goes, but according to a new study carried out by researchers at Kyoto Prefectural University of Medicine, there is a significant correlation between nose size and penis size.
Published in the medical journal Basic and Clinical Andrology, the researchers of the study found that men with larger noses had a ‘stretched penile length’ of at least 5.3 inches, while men with smaller noses had a penis length of 4.1 inches erect.
The team of researchers drew this conclusion by looking at the dead corpses of 126 men within three days of death and measured different parts of their body. After taking into account varying factors such height, weight and measurements of the penis (there were no links between feet size and appendage size, before you ask), the authors of the study then worked out the “stretched penile length” (SPL) of each cadaver. This was measured by, and sorry to be so graphic, by pulling the penis up as far as it would go.
Tugging on dead guy dicks for science.
Hole of the Week
New Zealand man threatened with prosecution over penis pothole drawings
A New Zealand man who began drawing very large penises around the potholes in his home city of Auckland in 2018 in the hope of attracting the attention of his local council has been threatened with police action.
In a video road safety campaigner Geoff Upson made after the most recent addition to his oeuvre, he said: “I’m about sick of calling Auckland transport.”
“So what I’ve done is I’ve gone and drawn a great artist’s impression of a penis.”
The video shows two green and pink neon penises. Upson helpfully identified the address where the newly eye-catching potholes occur, and their dimensions.
Auckland transport has now promised to take legal action against the phallic fuss-maker. Upson received a call from police last week, following a complaint over the his graffiti, the New Zealand Herald reported, which Auckland council says poses “a safety risk and distraction” to drivers, as well as being dangerous to carry out, according to Stuff.
Upson estimates that he has drawn 100 penises to date.
Gotta fill those holes one way or another.
Dickweed of the Week
Man denies punching girlfriend in vagina before putting scissors to her throat
19-year-old Alex Lockey, of Radnor Street, appeared at Swindon Magistrates’ Court this week charged with actual bodily harm (ABH) and threats to kill.
The Crown’s case is that the Swindon man – after smoking cannabis – punched his alleged ictim in the legs having accused her of staring at him whilst he played a video game in her room at The Foyer in Old Town.
It is alleged that he then followed her into the bathroom where he punched her in the vagina several times, before striking her in the head.
It’s said he then punched her several times in the stomach and said: “Can’t handle that can you”. Following that, it’s alleged he punched her in the eye and back of the head causing her to fall unconsious.
The crown prosecutor claimed the alleged victim came round to Mr Lockey’s hand on her mouth. He’s said to have then picked up scissors and held them to her throat before stating: “I’ll do it, I’ll petrol bomb you.”
The defendant denies the charges.
He was so high he didn’t know what a Molotov cocktail was.
Campaign of the Week
Tory candidate upstaged by ‘suck penis’ graffiti on children’s playground
A Tory candidate described as ‘the BoJo of Blackburn’ has been hilariously upstaged thanks to some perfectly placed penis graffiti.
In Tiger Patel’s campaign video, the Conservative walks round a children’s playground silently showing damage to the equipment while music plays over the top.
At one point he stands on the slide and raises his arms in triumph while looking at the camera, completely unaware he is standing behind the X-rated doodle, and the accompanying ‘SUCK’ in capital letters.
‘At the end of the day, when Tiger did the video, he didn’t notice the fruity graffiti, but that says it all for us,’ Julian Arnold, chairman of the Blackburn Conservative Association, said.
If elected, he promises a dick in every mouth and balls on every chin.
Nut of the Week
Man cuts off own testicles in Dedza
A 32-year-old man has chopped off his own testicles in Dedza.
The man has been admitted to Dedza District Hospital where he was referred to after he was initially taken to Chikuse health center in the district.
He is reportedly mentally unstable and his guardians have told the local media that he has a history of addiction to Indian Hemp (Chamba).
Commenting on the issue, mental health advocate Herbert Chawinga expressed concern that there is little action being taken in as far as mental health issues are concerned.
He noted that in the case of the man, the hospital is now treating much of the physical effect which could have been avoided had the psychological cause been treated.
“What those who knew that this man had Addiction Problems should have done was to take him to any hospital where he could have been assessed, put him through some Addiction Recovery Rehab programs and determine further as to whether he has to be treated for possible Drug Induced Psychotic Disorder. If Dedza Hospital doesn’t have the capacity, they would have referred him either to the nearby St. John of God Addiction Recovery Center in Lilongwe or Zomba Mental Hospital (Depending on the Assessment Results). But look what happens, they watch him hang around dangerously Until he hurts himself really bad and that’s when they rush him to Hospital,” said Chawinga.
“Chawinga” is also the sound it made when he chopped off his nuts.
Hot Tamale of the Week
Atlantic City mom poured hot sauce on little girl’s genitals
A mother was charged with putting hot sauce on her 6-year-old daughter’s genitals after physically assaulting her on the ride home from a meeting with the girl’s teacher, according to an affidavit obtained by BreakingAC.com.
The day after the parent-teacher meeting, the girl told her teacher that her mother punched her in the nose and thigh in the car, according to the affidavit.
When they got home after the meeting, the girl was told to undress and an angry Aminata Toure, 41, poured Pepe’s hot sauce on her, according to the affidavit.
A Division of Child Protection & Permanency case worker was notified and took the girl to a hospital for treatment, according to Atlantic City police.
An investigation by police and the Atlantic County Prosecutor’s Office led to charges in March against Toure of sexual assault, two counts of endangering the welfare of a child and simple assault.
Personally, I like Frank’s Red Hot better.
Boob of the Week
Woman murdered; fingers, breast missing at Dida
A 25-year-old woman has been murdered at Dida in the Atwima Kwonwama District of the Ashanti Region.
The deceased, Abena Afriyie, popularly known as “Mother”,was found dead on the outskirts of the community today, Friday 7 May, 2021.
Unit Committee Chairman for the area, Osei Kwadwo, told Class news’ regional correspondent Elisha Adarkwah that three of her right fingers, two left fingers and some of her toes had been cut off when the body was found.
One of her breasts was also missing.
Just use the “Find My Tits” app.
Sucker of the Week
I’ll prefer my breasts to be sucked on set than to sleep in a coffin – Actress HajiaFauzy
She’d need a coffin with a bubble-top lid.
Cheek of the Week
Road Rage Leads to Stray Butt Shooting, Man Arrested for Attempted Murder
Bronx man is under arrest for a February episode of road rage that left a random pedestrian with a gunshot wound to their backside.
The NYPD said Wednesday morning they arrested Carlyle Herring, 42, of the Bronx on an attempted murder charge related to the Feb. 16 Lower East Side confrontation.
Just before noon that Tuesday, police said, a BMW driver was turning onto Clinton Street when the driver nearly struck a pedestrian. That touched off a verbal dispute, and after the driver got out of his car and the dispute intensified, the pedestrian pulled a gun and began firing.
The driver got back in his car and fled — but a 75-year-old woman who just happened to be walking nearby was struck by a stay bullet in the buttocks. She was taken to a hospital and treated.
Wrong ass, wrong time.
Robster Craw of the Week
Boy, 14, puts crayfish up his bum to ‘preserve it’ and turn it into ‘dried lobster’
A teenager had a crayfish removed from his bum which he claimed he put there to preserve it.
The 14-year-old boy in China, named Xiaoying, said he thought inserting the crustacean into his body would turn it into “dried lobster”.
But he was later taken to hospital, where doctors found its claws had damaged his intestines.
The teen decided to try it while he was night fishing with his grandfather in the coastal city of Taizhou, in Zhejiang province, on April 24.
He later said it was an experiment to see if he could dry out the crayfish.
The next day, at around 6.30am, he was admitted to the Zhejiang Provincial People’s Hospital.
He told a medic: “Doctor, help me quickly. The crayfish crawled further up and has penetrated into my stomach.”
The creature had not actually got that far, but it had made some progress and its claws had damaged his intestines before it died.
His family explained to medics he had been fishing when his gran called them indoors for noodles.
She suddenly heard the boy screaming and shouting and asked what happened.
The grandmother asked: “Why did you put the crayfish up your bum?”
Xiaoying replied: “I saw a survival programme on my phone about a foreign man pouring seawater into his anus.
“I followed his example, I wanted to use my anus to absorb water from the crayfish and turn it into dried lobster.”
Doctors carried out a colonoscopy and detected the crayfish in his body, which they managed to remove.
According to news site Baidu, it was the first-ever case of removing a crayfish from a patient’s anus in China.
But it won’t be the last when this craze hits TikTok.
Take Out of the Week
McDonald’s served us feces-covered fries, N.J. family says in lawsuit
A New Jersey woman has filed suit against a McDonald’s restaurant near her home claiming she and her daughter ate fries that were covered in human feces.
Amanda Bordois, 32, of Cumberland County, says in court papers her husband and daughter bought food in a paper bag on Jan. 13 from the restaurant’s drive-through in the 1000 block of North High Street in Millville.
When they got home, Bordois and her daughter started eating fries from the bag, which also contained a burger, states the suit, filed April 28 in New Jersey Superior Court.
“After eating some fries from the McDonald’s bag, the (child) reached in the bag and took out the burger (and) noticed a brown substance all over the wrapper,” the suit states.
At the same, Bordois “noticed and smelled a horrible stench from the substance on the burger,” the suit states.
“To their disbelief and shock, plaintiffs realized what they had just ingested was human feces, which was touching their French fries in the same bag and that was all over (the child’s) hand and the wrapper of the burger,” the lawsuit claims.
Bordois was “nauseous, disgusted and sick that she and her child just consumed French fries touching the burger wrapper covered in feces,” the suit states.
How is this less shitty than the food normally served at McDonald’s?
Gob of the Week
Woman with ‘world’s biggest mouth’ fits entire McDonald’s large fries into gob
A woman who claims to have world’s largest mouth has proven just how much room there by shoving a full box of fries into her gob.
Internet sensation, Samantha Ramsdell , from Connecticut, US, doesn’t officially hold the world record for the biggest mouth but she reckons she could compete with the gob that does.
She claims her gaping mouth measures around four inches when she opens wide, beating the current Guinness World Record holder’s 3.75 inches.
On TikTok, she has racked up a whopping 1.5 million followers who tune in to watch her shove some extraordinary objects inside her gob.
In one such video seen more than 5 million times, she attempted to fit a large portion of McDonald’s fries in her mouth in one go.
She can be seen in the clip cramming them all in as her mush continues to expand and she dribbles down her jaw.
It’d be more impressive if she did that with those shit-covered New Jersey fries.
Bag Man of the Week
Tennessee Man Assaults Police With Colostomy Bag, Hits Them With Feces
Police from Nashville, Tennessee arrested a 39-year-old man after he attempted to strike officers with his colostomy bag and ended up dousing them in his feces, court documents revealed.
Nicholas Newhart, identified as John Doe in court documents, was charged with assault of two Nashville Metropolitan Police Department officers, disorderly conduct and public intoxication, WSMV first reported.
Police were called in to handle Newhart after security from Kid Rock’s honky-tonk at 221 Broadway said he refused to stop blocking the establishment’s emergency exit door as he was drunk and holding a bottle of beer.
“When the Metro Police officers arrived at the location to assist security, (Newhart) took out his colostomy bag from the inside of his front pants area and started to swing the bag around from left to right, hitting two of the Metro Police officers with his feces,” an affidavit [said].
According to the affidavit, the man with a Confederate flag tattoo on the back of his head and a neo-nazi “1488” symbol tattoo on his forehead was “completely drunk” at the time of the arrest.
His eyes were bloodshot red, glossy wet looking, with the smell of alcohol coming from his person,” the affidavit revealed.
I’m sure police preferred the smell of alcohol compared to what came next.
Wingman of the Week
Florida man kicked seagull, hit it with rock and almost tore off its wing, cops say
An Orlando man was arrested Monday after being accused of kicking a protected seagull and hitting it with a rock, injuring the bird so badly that its wing almost detached from its body, authorities said.
Daniel Guzman was taken into custody Monday, roughly five months after the seagull incident, which occurred on Dec. 19 at Haulover Park in Miami-Dade.
The seagull, a laughing gull, is protected under the Migratory Bird Treaty Act.
Guzman, 37, is charged with one count of animal cruelty with intent to injure/kill, and two counts of violating a Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission rule or order. Bond was set at $5,500.
Ironically the man who kicked a laughing seagull appears to be crying.
Bug Killer of the Week
Insecticide Spray Can Get Stuck In Lady’s Vajayjay While Using It To Maturbate
A lady’s quest to satisfy her libido has landed her in hot waters and embarrassment after an insecticide spray can she was using to masturbate got stuck in her vagina.
The interesting visual was shared on Twitter and it captures the excruciating moment a health expert was called in to remove the can from the lady’s private part as she screamed and writhed in pain, the video of which is already gaining momentum online.
There is a video of this at the link. Warning, it’s gross and it can’t be unwatched.
Mummy of the Week
Mummified corpse found in Colorado believed to be leader of Siskiyou County cult
A mummified corpse found inside a rural Colorado home appears to be that of a controversial religious leader. The dead woman is believed to be Amy Carlson, the leader of the cult ‘Love Has Won.’ Carlson had recently lived in Siskiyou County.
The Saguache County Coroner is working to confirm the body is Carlson. The body was in a sleeping bag, decorated with Christmas lights and makeup. and, its eyes were missing.
Seven people are charged with the abuse of a corpse. According to arrest affidavits obtained by the Associated Press, “the mummified remains appeared to be set up in some type of shrine” and “have what appears to be glitter type makeup on around the eyes.” AP reporter Thomas Peipert wrote “Investigators searched an SUV on the property and said the back seat was laid down in a position ‘consistent with someone transporting the mummified remains.'”
They’re also charged with child abuse since law enforcement found two children in the home The owner of the home told investigators some of the people in the group had driven the body from California to his house. The coroner says the woman had been dead at least four weeks. It’s unclear how she died.
The Mt. Shasta Herald reports Carlson was known as ‘Mother God’ to followers of the ‘Love Has Won’ group. Members of the group had reportedly been living in the Mt. Shasta area. The body was found last week near Crestone, Colorado.
Big deal. The democratic party cult does the same thing with mummified corpse, Nancy Pelosi.
Player of the Week
Police: woman charged after using billiard balls, DVD player as weapons
A Roaring Spring woman faces charges after state police report she assaulted someone with billiard balls, cue sticks, cookie sheets and a DVD Player.
According to the report, 18-year-old Jamie Detwiler got involved in the physical altercation at around 2:30 a.m. May 4. Through the course of the investigation, police discovered that she caused bodily injury to the victim after throwing billiard balls at their head, then hitting them across the back with a cue stick.
Detwiler then reportedly struck the victim in the head with a cookie sheet and a DVD player before threatening them with a loaded rifle and a knife. Police report that she also caused moderate damage to the victim’s property.
Detwiler was taken into custody and place in the Blair County Jail until her arraignment. She’s facing charges of terroristic threats, recklessly endangering another person, simple assault, criminal mischief and harassment.
Was the DVD player loaded too?
Mug of the Week
Storm Lake man arrested on sexual abuse, incest charges
A Storm Lake man was arrested on sexual abuse and incest charges.
The Storm Lake Police received a report of a sexual assault of a child in Storm Lake on Friday.
After an investigation, officials alleged about one month before, Hector Victor, 29, of Storm Lake, had sexual conduct with a child under 14-years-old.
Victor was arrested and charged with third-degree sexual abuse and incest. He was booked into the Buena Vista County Jail on a $10,000 bond
Being a child molester with that hair ain’t going to bode well for him in prison.
Straight Shooter of the Week
Cocaine, meth found on man who was shooting fireworks at neighbor’s house
Troopers say they were called to a home along Frankstown Road in Croyle Township Thursday at 3:59 a.m. for reports of a man shooting fireworks toward a home.
Troopers arrived to find 41-year-old Timothy Box, of Sidman, who appeared to be under the influence of a controlled substance due to him sweating profusely, acting erratically and hallucinating, according to state police.
Troopers say they questioned Box and during the conversation, he reached into his pocket which prompted troopers to try to restrain him.
During the scuffle Box and two troopers fell of the porch they were standing on, but troopers were eventually able to handcuff him, state police say.
They say they found 3.4 grams of suspected cocaine and 6.7 grams of suspected methamphetamine in Box’s pocket.
Troopers say they also found a pocket knife in the same pocket that he had reached into during questioning.
According to state police, investigators spoke with neighbors who said Box had been shooting fireworks toward a nearby home with people inside and they were afraid the fireworks would cause the home to catch fire.
Box has been charged with risking catastrophe, resisting arrest and drug possession and is being held in the Cambria County Prison, officials say.
For a coked up meth head, he seems pretty chill in the booking photo.
Omen of the Week
Check his head for a 666 birthmark.
WTF? of the Week
Fury at Russian women’s ‘unacceptable’ workout in running gear in front of mosque
A group of female athletes warming up ahead of a marathon in Russia’s “Third Capital” Kazan have sparked national controversy because their exercise routine took place in front of a mosque during the holy month of Ramadan.
The women, all wearing tight-fitting running gear, performed some light stretches before breaking into an impromptu dance routine near the Kul-Sharif mosque in the majority Muslim state of Tatarstan.
Local news website PDM News reported that the Deputy Mufti of Tatarstan, Rafik Mukhametshin, said that the “provocative” display was offensive.
He told journalists: “It is unacceptable. Another background could be found. I think these are provocative actions on their part. We do not support such behaviour.”
One of the runners, named only as Ekaterina, shot a video clip of the warmup that she uploaded to Russian social media platform VKontakte on May 3, the date of the race.
She explained that she had been unaware of the angry response that it would bring from devout Muslims in the state.
She added that that the fact that the mosque was in the background when she shot the clip was a complete coincidence: “We did not pursue any malicious intent,” she said, “and never wanted to offend anyone.”
PDM News reported that some social media were particularly upset that the post was uploaded was filmed during the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which is a time of fasting and spiritual cleansing of believers.
Apparently Allah is not an ass man.
