Joe Biden tried to silence his critics who say he isn’t up for the job by working one whole day this week, sandwiched in between two vacations. Here’s some other WTF? that seems effortless:
Headline of the Week
OnlyFans stripper says naked videos are what ‘God wants her to do’
This model is redefining what it means to be holy — posting on OnlyFans.
Nita Marie, a self-proclaimed Christian OnlyFans model, asserts that stripping for strangers online is what “God wants me to do.”
“I asked God if I should continue stripping off and the answer was always yes,” the Colorado resident, 45, told Jam Press.
Marie believes it’s her divine mission to empower other women to embrace their sexuality.
The Godly model, who has 953,000 followers and earns $1.8 million a year, found Christianity after having a dream about Jesus when she was 9 years old. Although she was not raised in a religious household, she became more spiritual and tried to build a relationship with Christ — without all the misogyny.
“That experience helped me seek out Christianity and I built a relationship with Christ on a personal level, rather than one filled with doctrine written by men thousands of years ago,” Marie told Jam Press.
Marie asserted that Christianity has suppressed women’s sexuality from the beginning, but she believes this is not what God intended. To her, God gave her sexuality as a gift to share with others, where both parties are consensual.
“I believe that God wants women to look and feel great and to enjoy their sexuality,” she said. “By empowering myself to feel sexy in my own skin, I allow others to do the same.”
God apparently likes ’em old ‘n chunky.
Expression of the Week
Man gets six kidney beans stuck in penis while trying to ‘express’ himself
A randy Michigan man redefined “c-block” after he got six kidney beans lodged in his urethra during a bizarro attempt at sexual gratification.
The unnamed 30-year-old patient had reportedly wanted to “express the beans during ejaculation,” according to the wince-worthy report published in the journal Urology Case Reports.
So the sexual eccentric shoved six kidney beans in his urethra and attempted to expel them via “natural emission.” However, his pea shooter jammed during the process, prompting him to try to remove them with tweezers.
When that failed, he reported to the hospital, where he informed doctors that he was struggling to “pea.”
The backed-up bean stalker also admitted it wasn’t his “first time participating in this practice, although he never attempted to utilize this many beans.” A subsequent CT scan confirmed that the poor soul harbored six beans in his urethra, which measured 15 mm by 7 mm each. Four were located between the urethral entrance and the urine pouch, while another had strayed all the way into the bladder.
After initially failing to extract the urethral infiltrators, medics managed to remove one legume by applying numbing cream to the area and then squeezing the penile passageway, the researchers reported.
They eradicated the rest of the beans the following day via a complex process that involved holding the man’s urinary entrance open and inserting a tube through which they passed surgical implements. They then plucked out the taco toppers with a tweezer-like tool and placed them in a basket.
Despite the highly invasive procedure, the frijole fetishist suffered “minimal” trauma to his urethra and was discharged the following day.
If masturbation gets boring, try doing a crossword puzzle instead.
Nut of the Week
A factory worker had to have a nail removed from his scrotum after he accidentally shot himself with a nail gun.
The unidentified 27-year-old man, from Italy, was rushed to hospital after his horrific pneumatic gun injury.
But when doctors first looked at his scrotum, they could not see any sign of the nail — despite him being in obvious agony.
There was no clear wound in his skin, forcing medics to use an ultrasound to find the hidden 1.8cm nail.
Urologists noticed a thin white line behind his right testicle and whisked him away for surgery in case it was the missing nail.
Their suspicion proved true, with the nail stuck between the top of his testicle and his penis.
Remarkably, he suffered no lasting damage to his right testicle or epididymis — the tube that stores sperm.
The nail was removed safely and the man, of Ancona, was discharged from hospital the next day.
Nailed it!
Blackout of the Week
Man who covered body and genitals in ink reveals most painful place to be tattooed
A extreme tattoo enthusiast who has inked every part of his body – including his genitals – has revealed the most painful parts to undergo the blackout artwork.
Yannick Rick, known as The Evil Blackwork & Bodymod, has so far spent a whopping 400 hours in the chair and spent £9,000 to alter his appearance with black inked tattoos and even underwent a tongue splitting procedure and nipple slicing.
If that’s not got you squirming in your seat, the 26-year-old has opened up to share his incredible journey and amassed a huge following of 77,800 loyal fans over the years.
But, in an Instagram post he has shared some photos and revealed which parts of the body hurt the most when having tattoos.
He asked his followers: “What was your most painful tattooed body part till now?”
Then, he shared a detailed photo before adding: “Palms for me is one of the places.”
He posted the comment with a photo showing his blackened palm with his upturned fingers showing the only bare skin around his pale nails.
But using the winking emoji may have left some followers wondering where the other most painful places are…
And you thought Ralph Northam’s blackface was bad.
Organ Grinder of the Week
Woman exposes breasts during video visitation with Florida inmate
A video visitation with an inmate at a Florida jail took a pornographic turn.
The Charlotte County Sheriff’s Office arrested 38-year-old Danielle Ferrero on a charge of exposure of sexual organs within a public place.
Deputies said she went to the Charlotte County Jail for a video visitation with another inmate.
The sheriff’s office said the conversation turned sexual for about an hour until Ferrero started to touch herself. Investigators said she rocked back and forth in her seat “as a form of masturbation.” At the end of the session, she lifted her shirt and exposed her breasts to the inmate on three occasions.
Midnight Express, Florida-style.
Corpse Grinder of the Week
23-year-old man kills lover, rapes her corpse in Edo
A 23-year-old bricklayer, Adebayo Kingsley, who said he hails from Ibillo in Akoko-Edo Local Government Area of Edo State, has allegedly killed his 46-year-old lover, a widow and mother of four, Rosemary Ifeoma, popularly called Mama Samuel from Orogun in Ughelli North Local Government Area of Delta State.
He was said to have hit the lady with a plank and had carnal knowledge of her thereafter.
He was earlier accused of hitting the head of her 13 years old boy and then pounced on the woman, thinking the son was dead.
He’s a necromantic at heart.
Souvenir of the Week
Horrific find in woman’s back after trip to South America
A woman has taken home a stomach-churning souvenir following an overseas trip.
The woman, 62, went to a dermatology clinic in New York complaining of a biting sensation in her back, according to the case in the New England Journal of Medicine.
Doctors examined her and noted she had six nodules on her back and buttocks.
They were particularly itchy and she had received treatment from another doctor who provided her with medication for treating a bacterial infection.
But unfortunately, this did not work to cure her ailment and they continued to itch.
She told doctors two months earlier she had visited Colombia and believed a mosquito or some kind of insect had bitten her. The “bite marks” were now leaking a small amount of fluid.
Doctors examined the nodules closer and found larval movement. Whatever was inside the nodules was alive.
“The lesions were anesthetised with lidocaine, and the larvae were removed,” researchers wrote.
“In total, six larvae were extracted and identified as larvae of the human botfly.”
According to the University of Florida, the human botfly is a small, hairy fly which looks like a bumblebee and is native to central and South America.
The insects lay their larvae in the skin of mammals in a process known as myiasis.
Is something bugging you?
Neigh Sayer of the Week
Man arrested after deputies find stolen horse inside bedroom
Police in South Carolina arrested and charged a man after deputies found a stolen horse inside a bedroom earlier this week.
The suspect, Garry Chase Coble Jr., was charged with larceny of livestock, the Oconee County Sheriff’s Office confirmed.
According to the sheriff’s office, a woman saw Coble riding a horse down the road at 2:33 p.m. and then leading it inside a home. Once deputies arrived on scene, they made contact with Coble’s father, who said Coble was not supposed to be there.
Coble opened the front door once his father arrived on the scene, at which point deputies saw horse feces in the living room. Coble tried entering a bedroom as deputies tried to take him into custody, at which point deputies saw a full size quarter horse standing in the middle of the bedroom, according to the sheriff’s office.
Deputies said the horse appeared to be calm as they followed Coble into the bathroom and placed him under arrest.
Coble is facing charges of burglary, petit larceny and malicious injury to animals or personal property in unrelated cases.
He looks positively heartbroken that cops busted up his hot date.
Pussy of the Week
Woman using gun’s laser sight to play with cat shoots friend
A Wisconsin woman accidentally shot a friend while using the laser sight on a handgun to play with a cat, authorities said.
A criminal complaint charging the 19-year-old woman with negligent use of a weapon said she was visiting a Kenosha apartment on Tuesday afternoon where a 21-year-old man had brought a handgun.
The woman, who a witness said had been drinking, picked up the handgun, “turned on the laser sight and was pointing it at the floor to get the cat to chase it,” when the gun went off, the complaint filed Thursday said.
The man, who was standing in a doorway, was shot in the thigh, authorities said. He left and went into another apartment, where police found him after responding to a 911 call, the Kenosha News reported.
A tourniquet was applied to his leg to stop the bleeding before he was taken to a hospital. There’s no word on his condition, but authorities said he was facing charges for violating bond conditions that prevented him from having a weapon.
The woman told police she thought the magazine had been taken out of the gun and said it “accidentally went off,” according to the complaint.
She then played fetch with the dog using a grenade launcher.
Cocks of the Week
Utah governor responds to constituent demanding he change ‘obscene’ last name
Utah Gov. Spencer Cox (R) has gone viral over his response to a constituent who demanded that he change his last name, which they called “obscene.”
“Really grateful for the criticism and constructive feedback I get from constituents that demand I … change my name?” Cox tweeted late last week, including a facepalming emoji.
The governor shared a letter from someone who identified themselves as “a very concerned citizen” who told Cox that “when people say your surname it sounds like the word c—.”
“I will not stand for it,” the person wrote, while threatening to protest until the governor changed his name.
“Because of your reluctance to change your foul, dirty and obscene surname myself and thousands of other Utahns will be sitting in protest, not standing, until you change your heinous surname to something less offensive,” the person added.
The constituent threatened to recall Cox if his name isn’t changed, stating this is “not a communist dictatorship.”
He should pick CNN’s president as his running mate so his campaign slogan could be: Put a Cox/Zucker in the state house.
Doll of the Week
Suspect charged with homicide after taking severed head out of freezer, giving it to police
A report of a head in a freezer led Lancaster investigators to a home on Wednesday morning, where they found exactly that.
According to a statement from the Lancaster City Bureau of Police, officers went to an apartment in the 200 block of West Strawberry Street around 8:51 a.m. where someone had just been told by Donald Meshey Jr. that there was a cadaver in one of the beds and a human head in the freezer.
Patrol officers talked to the witness, who had spoken to Meshey and seen the head of one of her family members, according to police. Officers then went into the home and spoke to Meshey, who escorted an officer into the kitchen where he took the severed head out of the freezer.
Investigators with the coroner’s office confirmed the head was human, police said.
After backup officers were called to the home, Meshey, 32, was taken to the station to be interviewed by detectives.
According to police, Meshey said he found what he described as a “cadaver doll” in his father’s bedroom, which “looked and sounded like his father.”
Meshey told investigators that he stabbed the “cadaver doll” for 2-3 minutes with a knife, then dismembered the body.
That ain’t how you give head but he’ll learn the right way in prison.
Stinky Pinky of the Week
Indonesian army ends “virginity tests” on female cadets: “Abusive, unscientific and discriminatory”
The Indonesian Army will no longer conduct “virginity tests” on female cadets, the army’s chief of staff said Wednesday. The test, which the World Health Organization determined has “no scientific merit or clinical indication,” involves someone placing their fingers into a cadet’s vagina to supposedly assess whether they have had sex.
Human Rights Watch exposed the use of these tests by Indonesian forces in 2014. The police have ended the use of the exams, Human Rights Watch said last week, but the government had not ended the practice in the military. The practice, the organization says, is a form of gender violence that is “abusive, unscientific and discriminatory.”
But in an interview with reporters on Wednesday, the Indonesian Army’s Chief of Staff Andika Perkasa said that the army needs to “continuously improve every year,” including in regards to its recruitment process.
“Previously we looked at the abdomen, genitalia in detail with the examinations of the pelvis, vagina and cervix,” Perkasa said. “Now, we have done away with these examinations, especially with regards to the hymen, whether it has been ruptured and the extent of the rupture.”
The chief said that the military is placing more emphasis on testing for color blindness, spinal issues and the heart.
Indonesian military recruiters no longer getting to 3rd base.
Joe of the Week
Blair County man in underwear hides in basement, claims to be a bomb
An East Freedom man is in jail after police say he broke into a home wearing only his underwear and hid in the basement, claiming he couldn’t move because he was a bomb.
It’s the second arrest for Roy Smith, 33 in the past 10 days. Smith had his bail modified and was released from the Blair County Prison after police said he barricaded himself in the basement of a storage facility.
Smith was soaking wet and bleeding from numerous spots on his body when Greenfield Township police talked him out of the basement in a home on the 300 block of Left Hand Gap Road at about 8 a.m. Monday, according to the charges.
A passerby told police he was driving by the home when he was flagged down by a man in black underwear on the porch. The driver stopped and the man, who turned out to be Smith, was irate and trying to tell him something. The passerby told cops he tried to reason with Smith and when the homeowner woke up and came to the door, Smith used a chair that was on the porch to break a window.
When Smith climbed through the window, the homeowner walked outside and Smith then headed for the basement.
He was in the basement when police arrived, with the homeowner and passerby waiting at a neighbor’s house. Smith had locked the doors to the home so police had to kick in the basement door. Smith was face-down on the cement floor and bleeding from spots all over his body, according to the charges filed.
Smith told Greenfield Township police Chief Ronald Sharkey Sr., that he couldn’t move because he was a bomb and if he moved, he would die, police noted in the charges. After talking to police for about a half-hour, Smith emerged, wet and bleeding.
That’s the same way Joe Biden campaigned for president in 2020.
Complaint of the Week
Husband shot wife after complaining she didn’t have sex with him
An Arkansas man is accused of shooting his wife after an argument about sex, police said.
The 30-year-old Fayetteville man and his wife began fighting Tuesday evening because he hadn’t allowed her to take their car in the afternoon, and then they argued “about her refusing to have sex with him when he requested to,” police said.
The woman told police her husband grabbed a gun and pulled the trigger while pointing at her head, but the safety stopped him from firing. As she walked past him to leave the room, the woman said her husband pulled the trigger again and this time shot her in the head, police said.
Bleeding from her head, the woman went to another apartment for help and her neighbor called 911.
The woman was taken to a local hospital after police and medics arrived, but her husband was no longer at the apartment, police said. He was arrested a short time later by police officers from Springdale, a city just north of Fayetteville.
During an interview with investigators, the man said “the reason he shot her was because he wanted her out of his life” and told them he threw the gun into Lake Fayetteville just before he was arrested, police said.
The woman was expected to survive, police said.
Hunters are suspicious of women because they don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die.
WTF? of the Week
Florida mom shot and killed by toddler while on Zoom call
A Florida mom was shot dead by her toddler as co-workers watched in horror on a Zoom call, a report said.
Shamaya Lynn, 21, was on the conference call when suddenly a loud bang rang out and Lynn fell backward as a toddler stood in the background, Altamonte Springs police said in a statement.
A person on the call phoned 911 when Lynn never returned to Zoom.
She was found dead from a gunshot wound to the head, according to the statement.
“Investigators determined that the injury was caused by a toddler who found a loaded handgun, which was left unsecured by an adult in the apartment,” the statement said.
WESH reported that Lynn was the child’s mother and the gun belonged to the toddler’s father.
The toddler was one of Lynn and the man’s two young children, the station reported. Both are now in the care of relatives, according to WESH.
Detectives are working with the Seminole County State’s Attorney’s Office to determine if the gun’s owner will face charges, cops said.
Somehow, Jeffrey Toobin’s Zoom meeting is still worse.
