The holiday season is upon us and you may find yourself with a little extra time to kill. Thankfully, The Week in WTF? is here with a list of movies you can stream instead of doing something fun or productive:
Fight Club
Donovan Salvato arrested for allegedly biting roommate’s testicles
A Nashville police report recently revealed that 3-1 amateur MMA fighter Donovan Salvato was arrested for an alleged testicle biting incident as a result of an argument with his roommate, Abel Sosa. Salvato was held in the Metro Nashville Jail for 12 hours as police claimed Sosa suffered a 2.5-inch laceration on his scrotum along with multiple bruises, swelling on his head, and a busted lip. Salvato’s charge is for “domestic assault with bodily injury.”
The affidavit states that the argument stemmed from a discussion regarding Salvato staying at Sosa’s address despite not being on the lease agreement. Eventually, punches were thrown and landed by Salvato to the body and head of Sosa – before being accompanied by a downstairs chomp through the pants. Salvato claimed that injuries to Sosa may have just come from the two grappling around the room and bumping into several items.
Sosa has since taken to Facebook to speak about the incident.
“If you know this individual do not trust your nuts around him,” A post of Sosa’s read with a picture of Salvato attached. “Literally the evidence I will be using in court is a piece of skin that he manage to rip from my testicles. I received 3 stitches at the VA hospital and multiple injections to prevent dental infection from spreading, right on veterans day. I should have good ol Marine Corp eye Gouched the son of a bitch. But so focused on maintaining control, never threw a punch. Victories are won with composure.
First rule of Bite Club is don’t talk about Bite Club.
Total Recall
Just Hype Kids’ Swim Shorts were recalled on Wednesday over concerns a child’s genitals could become stuck in the internal mesh of the apparel.
Product Safety Australia warned the mesh holes of the inset were too large and could result in serious injury if a child’s genitals were to become caught.
The alert also said the swim shorts’ drawstring is too long posing an entrapment hazard for children.
Anyone who purchased the shorts are urged to stop using them immediately and to return them to the place of purchase for a full refund, including postage.
Big mesh and small genitals are a dangerous combination.
The Guns of Navarone
A Georgia woman working as a webcam model for a popular pornography site accidentally shot herself in the vagina earlier this month, a police report chronicling the bizarre incident reveals, in what a witness says was a pornographic video gone horribly wrong.
According to the report, e-girl Lauren Hunter Daman, 27, accidentally discharged the weapon, a 9mm handgun, while alone in her bedroom the morning of November 9 while several of her housemates were on the property.
Around noon, cops were called to the scene of the Thomaston home, after receiving a report of an ‘accidental gunshot wound.’
Upon arriving at the scene, Upson County Sheriff’s Deputy Zachary Wall immediately encountered an EMS worker in the woman’s driveway clutching the handgun, as well as a spent bullet casing.
The paramedic notified the officer that ‘the female had shot herself in her vagina, accidentally,’ the report reads.
One of the woman’s housemates, Jordan Allen, the owner of the firearm, told deputies he was in the kitchen when he heard a gunshot – and shed some light on how the strange incident may have occurred.
According to the report, Allen rushed to Daman’s room when he heard the gun go off, and found her with blood dripping down her leg.
Allen then told police that upon seeing him enter the room, a bloodied Daman told him that she shot herself accidentally,’ and profusely apologized.
Allen then illuminated the officers as to his housemate’s occupation.
Per the report, Allen told cops that ‘Daman has “subscribers” on a sexual web platform called “Chatter”‘ and added ‘that she ‘makes sexual videos of herself and people pay her to see them.’
Police also interviewed a distraught Daman before she was driven away, and stated that her account of the shooting was inconsistent, with her claiming at one point that she discharged the weapon herself, and at another that the gun went off during a consensual sex act with Allen.
Moreover, the ‘web platform’ Allen mentioned to officers is actually called ‘Chaturbate,’ a popular adult site that allows models to receive donations from viewers in the form of ‘tips,’ in return for the recorded staging of requested sex acts.
It’s not often you get a money shot and a beaver shot at the same time.
Step Up 2: The Streets
Teachers charged over stepping on pupil’s genitals
Five teachers charged with grievously hurting a minor’s genitals while administering corporal punishment have been warned not to interfere with witnesses.
This after State indicated it earmarked some pupils to testify against the accused.
Kakamega Resident Magistrate Nolyeen Akee cautioned the five teachers of a primary school in Kakamega East their bond would be forfeited if they disregarded the order. “…The State will rely on minors, who you teach, to testify”.
Adelaide Athaka Majoni, Vincent Kadasia Mbakaya, Argedius Lubembe, Victor Andove Achesa and Eglay Lungatso Lilungu pleaded not guilty to assaulting the pupil on October 19.
“The teachers made me lie prostrate so that they could administer some strokes on my backside over claims that I had stolen a mobile phone in school…. When I turned on my back, one of them stepped on my genitals,” the minor’s statement to police read in part.
That student got 1 D and 2 Bs on his report card.
Free Willy
Dodoma man who chopped off his genitals dies
A resident of Itolwa Village in Chemba District, Dodoma Region, Juma Juma (34) is no more.
He died due to an excessive blood loss after he chopped off his genitals with a razor blade on Friday, November 19, 2021.
Juma saw the genitals as helpless, saying they could no longer help him to satisfy his sexual desire after he got involved in a motor vehicle accident two weeks ago.
After chopping them off, he was rushed to Hamai Health Center in Chemba for treatment but on Sunday, November 21, 2021, he died, according to the chairman for Itolwa Village, Daudi Ally.
“This incident is the first of its kind to have occurred in our village. It has shocked us as people are debating Juma’s decision to do just what he did to himself,” he said.
Are there people on the pro-side of castration suicide?
Boogie Nights
Man, 80, hospitalised after X-rated act with everyday kitchen item
The man, 80, from England, was taken to the emergency room “with sudden acute abdominal pain, distension, and confusion”, according to the case in medical journal Cureus.
Doctors noted the man had no past medical history which indicated why he was suffering.
“At this stage, we clinically suspected intestinal obstruction, perforation, or pancreatitis,” researchers wrote.
A CT scan of his abdomen was undertaken.
“Upon doing a CT abdo-pelvis later, a pestle-like object was found in the rectum causing perforation,” researchers wrote.
“He later admitted that he fantasises putting objects into his body orifices, and had been diagnosed with polyembolokoilamania before. He initially developed the habit of inserting small objects and then proceeded to try out bigger objects with time.”
The man underwent a laparotomy and after it was removed the object was confirmed to be a ceramic pestle.
Now it’s a ceramic poo-stle.
Backdraft
Los Angeles firefighter accused of wiping butt with COVID non-compliance letter
A Los Angeles firefighter allegedly responded to getting a COVID-19 vaccination non-compliance letter by wiping his buttocks with it and throwing it to the ground.
A group that represents African Americans in the Los Angeles Fire Department said the smoke eater dropped his pants and wiped the letter against his backside leaving a visible mark before tossing it, according to LA Times.
“The department is aware of the seriousness of the allegations and took immediate action upon learning of this incident,” LAFD spokeswoman Cheryl Getuiza told the LA Times., declining to comment further on the Nov. 18 incident.
Getuiza confirmed that the firefighter is currently on paid administrative leave and “will face the consequences of any inappropriate acts,” but would not elaborate on his reason for leave, according to The Times.
The incident allegedly took place at Fire Station 69 in Pacific Palisades and was witnessed by an LAFD captain and chief officer, the Stentorians said in a statement to the Board of Fire Commissioners and city leaders.
The statement included a photograph of a man holding up what appears to be a stained document.
All city employees must be vaccinated. Vaccination compliance notices were sent to all workers who have yet to receive their vaccines or exemptions asking them to provide proof of their vaccination by Dec. 18. Those who fail to comply and not sign the notices are to be removed from active duty and their pay halted, according to a memo obtained by The Times.
That’s what I call a witty rebuttal.
Brokeback Mountain
N.C. lieutenant governor compares gays to cow feces, maggots
Speaking to parishioners at the Berean Baptist Church in Winston-Salem last Sunday, November 14, North Carolina Lt. Governor Mark Robinson attacked the LGBTQ+ community in remarks caught on the church’s livestreaming video on YouTube.
Robinson said in his sermon that he questioned the “purpose” of being gay; said heterosexual couples are “superior” to gay couples; and that he didn’t want to explain to his grandchildren why two men are kissing if they see that on television the Charlotte Observer reported.
The state’s Republican Lt. Governor then went on to compare being gay to “what the cows leave behind” as well as maggots and flies, who he said all serve a purpose in God’s creation. “If homosexuality is of God, what purpose does it serve? What does it make? What does it create? It creates nothing,” Robinson said.
In related news, cow feces and maggots have lodged a complaint over the comparison.
Ghost
Man grabbed woman’s buttocks, said she looked like his late wife, gets 10 days jail
Sim Kah Hwee, 35, went drinking one evening with two colleagues. On his way home, he followed a woman he didn’t know into a lift in Tampines.
When she squeezed past him to exit the lift, he grabbed her buttocks!
When she turned to scold him, he hit the lift button to close the doors. She tried to grab him with both hands, but he pushed her aside and fled by the stairs to his mother’s home.
It happened at about 7 pm on Oct 18, 2019, and Sim had consumed “quite a lot of hard liquor”, said the prosecutor. Sim took a ride home to the Tampines area at about 11 pm.
The story goes that while walking to where his mother lived, he noticed a 25-year-old woman whom he said looked like his wife, who had committed suicide several years earlier.
He detoured to follow the woman into the lift, positioning himself so close to the doors so that he was able to grope her as she squeezed past him, reported Channel News Asia.
“The victim felt disgusted when the accused touched her, but was not injured in any way,” said the prosecutor.
The woman reported him to the police, and Sim was arrested within the hour. Tests showed that he had been drinking.
Maybe all that grab-ass was why his wife killed herself in the first place.
Phantom of the Paradise
Maulana EP Abubakar Qasmi has triggered controversy in Kerala after he recounted the advantages of being a Muslim. In his speech, Maulana revealed what Muslims get in ‘Jannat’ or paradise. According to EP Abubakar Qasmi, who gave Islamic speeches in Malayalam, ‘women with big breasts’ are found in paradise. Protests ensued after the offensive language was used by Maulana Qasmi on women as his speeches are popular with Muslims on social media.
Maulana Qasmi further claimed that rivers of wine flow in paradise along with gardens and big bungalows. He went on and said that the women who were in Allah’s paradise neither urinate nor defecate. He also added that Muslims going to Paradise get the privilege of sitting in the lap of the ‘Hoors’ there.
According to ‘Organiser‘, the Maulana said, “If a Muslim going to Paradise needs women with big breasts, then Allah gives them the ‘hoor’ of their choice. In Paradise, Allah has made a river of wine, and those who live there have full permission to swim. There is no restriction on drinking wine, because it is Allah who has created the river of wine.” However, in general, alcohol is considered haram in Islam and consuming it is prohibited.
Maulana Qasmi then claimed that the ‘hoors’ of heaven do not even have the power to think and understand.
Mindless big-breasted hoors sounds great but do they have to be completely full of shit?
Pump Up the Volume
Bengal man dies after co-workers pump air into him for ‘fun’
Just for the sake of ‘fun’, workers at a mill in West Bengal allegedly pumped air into the body of a co-worker, Rehmat Ali, through his anus. After around 10 days of treatment, Rehmat died of complications at a hospital recently.
The incident took place on November 16 in North Brook Jute Mill located in the Hooghly district of West Bengal. Rehmat Ali was on the night shift when his co-workers allegedly grabbed him, inserted a pipe into his anus and pumped air into his body.
Rehmat Ali resisted at the moment, however, his co-workers didn’t stop.
Soon, Rehmat Ali’s health started deteriorating, following which he was rushed to a nearby hospital.
He was first taken to the Chunchura Imambara Hospital in Hooghly. When his health deteriorated further, he was shifted to a private hospital.
Rehmat Ali died around 10 days later the incident happened. Doctors said Rehmat’s liver was completely damaged due to air pressure.
Rehmat Ali’s co-worker Shahzada Khan is the prime accused in the case. Shahzada is responsible for cleaning the jute at the mill with an air pump.
Rehmat’s family has also demanded compensation. However, the jute mill has remained silent over the issue.
It’s all fun and games until someone gets their liver poked out.
Good Burger
Man with meth found masturbating outside McDonald’s
A Jonesboro police officer responding to a call for help instead reported finding a man with meth wearing no pants masturbating outside a McDonald’s.
On Sunday, Nov. 21, the manager of the restaurant at 2124 Red Wolf Blvd. called police requesting a boost for a white van with a dead battery.
When Sgt. Susan Gray arrived, she spotted a white van in the parking lot and, thinking it was the one in question, walked over to it.
“Upon approaching the vehicle, Officer Gray observed a male subject, Daniel Jewell, sitting in the driver’s seat of the vehicle with one foot on the dash and the other foot propped up on the passenger seat, naked from the waist down and masturbating,” the affidavit stated.
Sgt. Gray immediately removed Jewell from the vehicle and handcuffed him.
Other officers arrived on the scene and began dressing Jewell for transport to the jail. While doing so, the affidavit stated police found a pipe used for smoking meth inside the 39-year-old Memphis man’s pants.
A search of his van reportedly turned up 26 grams of suspected methamphetamine separated into 14 baggies, several empty baggies, and a digital scale.
Nothing recharges your battery like whacking off on meth.
The Expendables staring Jet Li
Doctors perform three-hour-long surgery to save man with toilet jet spray lodged in his rectum
In a bizarre incident, a 32-year-old man was rushed to KIMS Hospital in Karnataka’s Hubballi with a toilet jet spray inserted in his rectum. A team of doctors had to perform a three-hour-long surgery to retract the jet spray.
The doctors at the KIMS said the patient was in an inebriated condition when he was brought to the hospital early Saturday morning, November 20, 2021. He was stabilized first and an operation was conducted.
The doctors who performed surgery on him said that it’s a rare case and they were not sure how it could have happened. “The patient had a big tear till his rectum as the jet spray was inserted higher. We had to perform a long surgery to recover him. He was unable to speak or narrate what happened. Now his condition is out of danger and he should be out of ICU in the next three days”.
On Sunday, the APMC police registered a case based on the statement of the medical team from the KIMS hospital. The police said that the patient hails from West Bengal and he was working at a construction site near Bhairidevarkoppa area.
“As per his statement, late Friday night he fell in the toilet on the jet spray. He was high on alcohol when the incident happened. The fellow labourers brought him to the hospital around 4 am on Saturday. We shall be booking a Medico-Legal Case,” said a police officer.
Asses are supposed to make deposits in toilets, not withdrawals.
Crying Game
Teesside woman accused of exposing penis, using sex toy and masturbating in public
A woman accused of indecent exposure, masturbating in public and using a sex toy in a public place, will stand trial early next year.
Chloe Thompson, of Borough Road, Middlesbrough, appeared at Teesside Magistrates’ Court on Wednesday after denying the offences.
She is charged with committing a public nuisance by indecently exposing her penis to other members of the public, whilst masturbating from a property window.
The incident reportedly took place on Cromer Street, Middlesbrough, on August 13.
On the same date, the 41-year-old is also alleged to have masturbated on the street in view of others.
A further complaint was also made to police after she was reportedly caught using a sex toy on Wellesley Road, Middlesbrough, on the same date.
Woman? With a penis?
Fatal Attraction
Man charged with bestiality leading to death of a goat
An elderly man was charged with raping a goat, after which the animal died four months ago.
The 60-year-old however, pleaded not guilty when the charge was read to him before magistrate Nurul Mardhiah Mohammed Redza today.
The accused was charged with voluntarily having carnal intercourse with an animal near a house in Kampung Sungai Buaya, Rawang at 1.30pm on July 27.
It was reported that the incident was noticed by the goat’s owner, a 45-year-old woman.
The woman was alerted to the incident after hearing the animal making strange noises at the back of her house.
She went to the scene and found a half-naked man trying to pull up his pants while standing near the goat.
The woman asked the man, whom she knew, what he was doing, to which he replied: “Doing a project.”
He then fled the scene. The woman later checked on her goat only to find that it was dead.
The offence falls under Section 377 of the Penal Code which carries an imprisonment for a term which may extend to twenty years, fine or whipping.
Unfortunately, f*cking a goat to death doesn’t earn any cred in the joint.
Rock of Ages
Florida man hits woman with sock full of rocks during robbery
A Florida man is accused of striking a woman with a sock full of rocks to steal her purse Monday, authorities said.
Ricky Williams, 28, was arrested early Tuesday and charged with armed robbery and aggravated battery, according to Miami-Dade County online booking records. He was also on probation for disorderly conduct at an establishment, records show.
The woman told police she was waiting for an Uber driver at about 4:45 p.m. EST, WPLG reported. According to the woman, Williams attempted to grab her purse, and when she resisted, Williams allegedly “struck the victim multiple times throughout her body with a sock filled with rocks or a hard object.”
Williams was able to flee the scene with the woman’s purse, which contained $400, according to WSVN. With the help of surveillance video, police were able to identify Williams and arrested him Tuesday, WPLG reported.
According to an arrest report, Williams told police he had been drinking Monday and did not remember the attack.
That still doesn’t explain why he had a sock full of rocks.
Greatest Story Ever Told
Preacher claims ancient reptile imitated her husband so it could have sex with her
A preacher has claimed that her husband, who is also a preacher, was imitated by a “reptile alien” who tried to have sex with her.
Sharon Gilbert made the extraordinary claim about her husband Derek on an American religious television show yesterday.
Speaking the Jim Bakker Show, Gilbert claimed: “After Derek and I got married, one night, this other Derek appears in our room while the real Derek is lying down next to me.
“I knew that was not Derek, so I ask this who he was because he clearly wanted to have sexual relations.
“This other Derek seriously wanted to invite me to use my free will that was going to pull me away from God (have sex).
“I reached up and grabbed his face and said you are a liar, and Jesus is real. I pulled the face off, and beneath it was a reptile who had little creatures with him – like little gargoyles.”
According to Ms Gilbert, the creature claimed to be something called Ahasuerus, also known as Xerxes.
He is said to have ruled “from India even unto Ethiopia, over an hundred and seven and twenty provinces”.
Xerxes was thought to have been assassinated in 465 BC, by Artabanus – a commander of the royal bodyguard, who was also an official in the Persian courts, although some scholars believe that he was actually murdered by his own son, Crown Prince Darius.
Everything in that story is 100% believable except that she didn’t have sex with the reptilian. You know she hit that.
