Just like how liberals don’t stop being horrible for the holidays, WTF? never takes a day off. Here’s the Merry Christmas edition of The Week in WTF?:
Gift Wrapper of the Week
Florida man busted with drugs ‘wrapped around his penis’ tells deputies it’s not his: report
Florida authorities reportedly arrested a man who had meth and cocaine wrapped in baggies around his penis, but told deputies the drugs were not his.
Pinellas County sheriff’s deputies said they stopped a vehicle driving without its lights on at 4 a.m. last Saturday in Clearwater.
Patrick Florence, 34, was in the passenger’s seat of the car. Authorities searched the vehicle and found a gun under Florence’s seat and proceeded to search him.
They then found the drugs “wrapped around his penis” in two plastic baggies, according to the police report.
Florence “stated the package wrapped around his penis was not his,” Deputy Levi Blake wrote in the report…
He was charged with four felonies, including possession of cocaine, meth, ammunition and a firearm.
A review of Florence’s criminal record shows he’s been arrested more than 20 times for drug-related offenses.
What’s not his? The drugs or the penis?
Miracle of the Week
Man Who Spent Years Hiding Penis-Shaped Nose Has Christmas Miracle Surgery
A man who had spent most of his life hiding his severely disfigured nose with a face mask underwent miracle surgery to live happily ever after in time for Christmas.
Conrado Estrada has spent years struggling to eat and breathe due to a rare condition that caused the tip of his nose to swell to incredible size.
The 57-year-old painter and construction worker said people were “watching” him and “children would ask their mothers what happened to him.”
“They were staring at me,” the Portchester, NY resident told the New York Post.
“The kids would ask their moms what happened to me – and I would get around it by using a face mask all the time. “
But after meeting plastic surgeon Dr Thomas Romo, director of facial reconstructive plastic surgery at Lenox Hill Hospital, his life changed.
It looked like he had “a penis on his nose,” as Romo described it.
“I had spent six years seeing doctors and skin specialists and nothing would get better,” Estrada said.
He told The Post: “I believe God sent an angel to take care of me – and this is how I see Dr Romo.”
He should have gotten a “Sit on my face” T-shirt. I bet he would have had some takers.
Snow Plow of the Week
Fashion faux pas Christmas sweaters feature penis snowflakes
A UK businessman looking to cash in on the ugly Christmas sweater craze is worried he might get stiffed.
Noticing a rise in demand for the seasonal knitwear, 45-year-old Karl Baxter of Dorset bought 1,000 holiday sweaters to sell online, The Sun reports.
But Baxter soon realized sales were sluggish because the jumper’s snowflake pattern was formed by four extremely phallic shapes, complete with, um, “jingle bells.”
“I didn’t notice at first, but once you’ve seen it, it’s hard to get out of your mind,” Baxter told The Sun.
He’s hoping to turn the fashion faux pas into a fundraiser by donating proceeds to Prostate Cancer UK. “We’re appealing to consumers to see the funnier side and stand out from the crowd,” he said.
At about $14, the sweaters are a bargain. And, Baxter added, “getting one of these on Christmas Day could be a great way to break the ice with the in-laws.”
Nobody’s dream of a white Christmas involves jizz.
Feast of the Week
Bonner County Man Charged with Murder and Cannibalism After Investigators Found Body
A Bonner County man was arrested in Clark Fork and charged with the murder of 70-year-old David Flaget in September is now facing a cannibalism charge.
According to the Affidavit of Probable Cause obtained from Bonner County District Court, the suspect, James Russell, was spotted by a family member near the Flaget’s truck on September 10. The family member told deputies he had with him a duffel bag, a bucket of soapy water, and latex gloves.
Later, two of Russell’s family members took a look into Flaget’s truck and saw what they believed to be a body wrapped in plastic.
When deputies arrived, they spotted someone matching Russell’s description near the area of the truck. Russell fled and deputies pursued him on foot. There was a short standoff as Russell refused to leave his loft, however, he eventually surrendered.
Deputies made their way back to the truck where they forced their way in to find Flaget deceased. His body was upside-down in the passenger seat and naked from the waist down.
Deputies examined and took photo evidence of the condition of Flaget’s body after removing it from the truck. According to court documents, Flaget’s head appeared to have severe trauma and there was evidence that several areas of his body had been maimed after he was dead.
The next day, investigators served a search warrant to Russell’s residence. Inside, they found “suspected human flesh, latex gloves, bloody newspapers, bloody pieces of duct tape, cutting implements with suspected blood, and several areas of blood.”
According to court documents, upon further investigation, deputies also discovered a bowl in the microwave with bood and tissue that seemed as though heat was applied to for about one to two minutes.
Investigators were unable to locate one of Flaget’s testicles, his penis, and a portion of his thigh that had been removed from the body. Investigators explained in their probable cause affidavit they believe Russell consumed the missing body parts.
Human nuts roasting on an open fire, James Russell nipping at your dong.
Manger of the Week
OnlyFans star ‘Vegan Booty’ furious after ‘buttocks exposed’ in clash with farmer
A vegan activist who has become notorious for her protesting on animal rights has made an online rant against a farmer who forcefully removed her from a cattle pen.
OnlyFans star Tash Peterson trespassed at Perth’s Royal Show to protest against the treatment of animals.
The 27-year-old, also known as Vegan Booty, can be seen getting removed from a cattle pen by a farmer.
Video footage shows the farmer grabbing Ms Peterson by her t-shirt and shorts as he drags her towards the fencing.
In a post on Instagram, Ms Peterson claims the farmer exposed her “buttocks” as he lifted her by her pants and says she has bruises on her body, including around her groin.
She was also angered that police are not pressing charges against the farmer for his actions in removing her from the pen.
Ms Peterson wrote: “This assault resulted in bruising all over my body and in my groin region due to the force of lifting me by my pants, which exposed my buttocks and the forceful slamming of my body into the fence.
If she was protesting the farmer’s treatment of animals, why is she so shocked at the way he treated her?
Stocking Stuffer of the Week
A girlfriend was mortified after ending up in A&E when a raunchy FaceTime call with her long distance boyfriend left her with a sex toy lost internally.
The woman, who uses the pseudonym of Rosiee Sunshine on social media, from Central London, had a multipack of toys that her boyfriend at the time had bought her to spice up their sex life, and decided to try the largest one out.
The 20-year-old says she felt a ‘pop’ and quickly realised the silicone toy, measuring 10.3cm long from tip to base and 4.4cm wide, had slipped fully inside her rectum.
After spending an hour trying to get it out herself with no success, she was forced to wake her housemate at 3am to drive her to A&E, where a ‘hilarious’ x-ray showed the object lodged internally.
Doctors successfully managed to manually remove the crystal embellished anal toy by hand, meaning Rosiee luckily avoided surgery.
Rosiee, from Central London, said: ‘It was your classic long distance story – I was on FaceTime to my boyfriend at the time and we were having a lovely little sexy chat and thought I would be a bit adventurous.
‘So I tried for the first time this absolutely huge butt plug, it was the biggest one I’d tried, but then I felt a pop.
‘I thought it must have fallen out so I reached down to put it back in but it wasn’t there, so I thought “Where is it then?”.
‘There was this frantic moment where I was looking around thinking ‘did it fall off the bed, where could it be?’ and then it dawned on me that it hadn’t fallen out, it had fallen in.
‘There was no pain at all, it just floated off and was doing its own thing.
‘So I’m there reaching, trying to get it out and my ex was on FaceTime so he was no help, he was just watching me cry. I was horrified.
‘I looked at him and was like, “Oh my god, I’m going to have to get kitchen tongs” and he said, “No you can’t use kitchen tongs to get it out, that’s not a sensible idea”.
She then spent almost five hours in the hospital, where a doctor managed to ‘fish’ the toy out of her anus with her hand.
If you teach a woman to fish, you keep things out of her anus for a lifetime.
Elf of the Week
Woman’s ‘naked’ Christmas outfit wows fans as they realise it’s nothing but body paint
An artist has been using her own body as a canvas to get into the Christmas spirit and her breathtaking designs are so convincing people sometimes mistake them for clothes.
Super-talented Marina Eloise has been doing bodypaint since 2020 and has made a host of colourful “costumes” from Ronald McDonald to comic book characters like Joker and Deadpool.
In a recent video to celebrate the festivities, Marina painted a green elf costume on her body with cute details like a white furry collar, black belt, and embroidery.
“When you’re excited for Christmas,” she writes in the onscreen caption.
The video was watched more than 680,000 times and people were astonished at how much like clothes the paint looked due to Marina’s technique.
Marina told Daily Star: “A lot of the time people don’t realise it’s paint until they head to the comments on TikTok, then people seem to debate between themselves on what I’m wearing or not wearing.
“I get comments saying, ‘She’s wearing a really thin bodysuit underneath,’ or ‘She’s wearing a bra made of clay,’ or my personal favourite: ‘She’s covered in saran wrap.'”
Why doesn’t she have any nipples?
Tree of the Week
Family finds deadly snake living in Christmas tree
While admiring what a good job they had done putting up and decorating their Christmas tree, a family noticed something strange poking its head out from behind an ornament — the most poisonous snake in South Africa.
“We were admiring our work when my wife, Marcela, pointed to our two cats and said she thought there might be a mouse in the tree as they were staring at it,” 55-year-old father Rob Wild told SWNS of the South Africa-based family’s unpleasant discovery. “They often bring ‘gifts’ in from the farm we live on, so Marcela went to have a look and moved a bauble and saw a snake’s head staring straight back at her.”
A quick internet search revealed that the reptile was the nation’s most venomous snake, the deadly boomslang. Wild immediately sent snake-catcher Gerrie Heyns a photo of the tree interloper, circling the snake’s head. But the situation was so ridiculous, Heyns dismissed it as a joke.
It was only after Wild gave him a ring that Heyns believed him.
“My mobile rang, and it was Rob who sent the photos and promised me they really did have a boomslang in their Christmas tree, and it was no joke,” said Heyns, 49, at which point “I drove over to theirs, telling them not to take their eyes off it in case it slithered away from the Christmas tree and found itself a hiding place in their home.”
Once there, the boomslang proved a challenging catch “as it was very nippy,” and Heyns was intent on not disrupting the tree’s decorations, despite the snake circling it.
Eventually, it came down from the tree and “made a break for it,” at which point Heyns managed to get his tongs on the creature’s body and its head in his hands, so it couldn’t bite him or the Wild children: Edward, 11, and Sahara, 6.
You think that’s bad. I found a pair of sox under my tree. What kind of shitty gift is that?
Decorations of the Week
Satanic display inside Illinois Statehouse days before Christmas draws protesters
Religious leaders and others in Illinois were outraged this week, just days before Christmas, when a Satanic group unveiled its holiday display inside the Statehouse Rotunda in Springfield.
The display features a sculpture of an infant version of Baphomet, a goat-like Satanic deity, and was set up next to a traditional Christian Nativity display inside the government building, the State Journal-Register of Springfield reported.
“Hail, Satan!” members of the Satanic Temple of Illinois shouted as a leader identified as Minister Adam described what the display represented to the group, according to a video posted by the newspaper on its website.
“The Capitol welcomes a diverse range of religions every year to display holiday statues during the holiday season, so we wanted to join in on that,” the minister told WICS-TV of Springfield.
This marks the third year that the Satanic Temple has been granted space inside the Statehouse for an installation, the newspaper reported. No display was erected last year because of the coronavirus pandemic, the report said.
A sign posted near the displays by the state of Illinois explained that the groups were both allowed displays because of First Amendment rights to free speech and freedom of worship, as granted under the US Constitution, WICS reported.
When democrats are in charge, you get Satanic Christmas displays in the statehouse.
Yule Log of the Week
Daughter in hysterics after mum, 60, bakes her an explicit drunk Santa cake
A woman has been left mortified after asking her 60-year-old mum to make a “sophisticated” Christmas cake – and receiving an obscene alternative.
Dena Huseyin’s mum, Jackie, ran out of fondant while decorating her ‘drunk Santa’ cake for her daughter and was left with just skin-coloured icing.
Thinking on her feet, Jackie decided to sculpt Santa without his iconic red trousers – and instead made him naked from the waist down.
She was also sure to be quite generous in depicting Father Christmas’s private parts.
Shocking photos of the finished cake show a well endowed St Nicholas lying on his back on the white Christmas cake, completely naked below the waist and with his arms stretched out.
Jackie had even gone to the trouble of drawing real life wrinkles on Santa’s genitals – to make the depiction as accurate as possible.
Dena said: “When I saw it, I thought ‘look at the size of it, it’s huge’. I was expecting a traditional cake with a snowman, and instead I got one with a willy on it.
“It was very funny. You just don’t expect to see Santa with a big willy do you! You can’t beat a cheap laugh. It’s so life-like.
What the actual f*ck?
Sugar Plum of the Week
Transgender man who gave birth to son criticises medical staff for calling him ‘mother’
A transgender man who gave birth to a baby boy has publicly hit out at hospital staff after claiming they wrongly referred to him as a ‘mother’.
Bennett Kaspar-Williams from Los Angeles gave birth to son Hudson via Cesarean section in October 2020 after falling pregnant with husband Malik.
The 37 year old used to be a woman until they transitioned seven years ago, and had $5000 (£3,744) ‘top surgery’ that removed their breasts in the summer of 2015.
But they decided to keep their female reproductive anatomy and began to consider having children for the first time after meeting Malik in 2017.
Now claiming that healthcare workers referred to him as a ‘mother’ during pregnancy, Bennett is leading calls to break the connection between motherhood and womanhood forever after saying it made him feel uncomfortable in his gender identity.
He told the Daily Mail: “The only thing that made me dysphoric about my pregnancy was the misgendering that happened to me when I was getting medical care for my pregnancy
“The business of pregnancy – and yes, I say business, because the entire institution of pregnancy care in America is centred around selling this concept of ‘motherhood’ – is so intertwined with gender that it was hard to escape being misgendered.”
“Nothing about being pregnant felt ‘feminine’ to me – in fact, I think carrying a child, isolated due to the pandemic, and facing all the hospitals and appointments alone was the absolute toughest, bravest thing I’ve ever done.”
“It’s so important that we stop defining “womanhood” in terms of “motherhood”, because it’s a false equivalency that all women can become mothers, that all mothers carry their children, or that all people who carry children are mothers.”
I’ll say it again, what the actual f*ck?
