This week’s biggest WTF? was Joe Biden “honoring” fallen NYC police officers by ranting about gun control and lying about cannon ownership. Here’s some other WTF? that badly missed the mark:
Headline of the Week
Gwyneth Paltrow tastes her vagina candle for new Super Bowl commercial
Does it taste like her vagina too?
Goop creator Gwyneth Paltrow took a nibble out of her vagina-scented candle for an Uber Eats ad that will premiere on Feb. 13 during the Super Bowl LVI.
The advertisement is an attempt to show consumers Uber Eats delivers more than just, well, good eats. As Paltrow learns the hard way, the delivery service also provides an array of household and personal items.
In the teaser, the 49-year-old Oscar-winning actress handles Goop’s “This Smells Like My Vagina” candle — and takes more than just a sniff.
She takes a bite.
“This candle tastes funny,” she says, chewing and making a face that conveys her confusion. “Not bad, but funny.”
No, not funny, but bad.
Tool of the Week
Mom gets ruler tattoo to measure penis sizes before sex: ‘A tool to enhance my life’
This British woman believes size matters — and she’s got a new tattoo to prove it.
Tracy Kiss, 34, stunned family and friends after having a ruler tattoo inked down her forearm so she could accurately measure the length of her prospective partners’ penises.
The sex-minded mom — who has a 14-year-old daughter — told Jam Press that she’s looking for a well-endowed boyfriend, and her new body art is “a practical design and tool to enhance my life.”
The sex-minded mom — who has a 14-year-old daughter — told Jam Press that she’s looking for a well-endowed boyfriend, and her new body art is “a practical design and tool to enhance my life.”
The tattoo does not include any numbers, instead featuring “pretty dots” that are spaced an inch apart up Kiss’ arm.
“As it doesn’t have numbers, it’s actually rather discreet and allows me to innocently reach up to stroke a man’s stomach whilst taking a glance at my arm alongside it to count the inches,” the creative blonde exclaimed.
Measure twice, f*ck once.
Dick Weed of the Week
Cannabis-induced psychosis drives Thai man to cut off his own penis
A 23-year-old Thai man who got into a cannabis-induced psychosis “completely amputated” his own penis using scissors, doctors said.
The man inflicted life-altering injury upon himself after he smoked 2g of marijuana, which is equivalent to six joints, in two bongs.
Two hours after smoking up, the man had a painful erection with “severe persistent sharp pain” in his penis.
The man had an erection without sexual stimulation and developed paranoia when his glans started to look distorted.
To get rid of the severe pain, the man then decided to cut off his penile skin several times before amputating it completely with a pair of scissors.
The man was taken to hospital after the bleeding did not stop for two hours where the doctors said the injury left him with a remaining penile stump of 2cm in length, without the skin and a 5cm laceration in his scrotum.
The doctors at the hospital tried to reconstruct the penis but it was deemed to be “dirty and fragile” after it was contaminated with ants.
I did not see that ants thing coming. What a twist.
Freak of the Week
Boy, 11, has a metal hook removed from his penis AND scrotum after freak accident
An 11-year-old boy had to have a metal hooked removed from his genitals after a freak accident involving a boxing bag.
The youngster was ‘moving’ the bag at home in Yazd, Iran, when it suddenly became dislodged from its ceiling mount.
Doctors did not reveal exactly how the accident happened, but gruesome pictures reveal how the hook impaled him at an unusual angle.
The curved hook pierced through the bottom of his scrotum all the way up to above his penis, leaving the sharp end protruding from his bladder area.
The boy was left in ‘severe pain’ and rushed to hospital by his ‘anxious parents’.
Miraculously, the pre-pubescent boy suffered no damage to his testicles or urethra — the tube that carries urine out of the body.
Medics who revealed the tale in Urology Case Reports said he was ‘very fortunate’ not to have suffered any ‘life-changing’ harm.
He took a right hook to the scrotum.
Boomer of the Week
Pensioner, 72, suffers horrific but ultra-rare Covid side effect as his scrotum explodes
A pensioner suffered a horrific and super rare side effect of coronavirus which saw his scrotum explode exposing a testicle, and leaving agonising ulcers.
The 72-year-old, from the US, endured the ultra-rare side effect after battling the virus, according to findings published by Urology Case Studies.
The Covid-19 patient was diagnosed with Pyoderma gangrenosum (PG), which is a painful condition that can cause large ulcers to develop on the skin.
His condition was so bad that the testicle eroded through an ulcer, which left him unable to change his dressings without disruption.
Lead author Mashuta Hasan, from Nova Southeastern University College of Allopathic Medicine, said: “There has been several reports linking Covid-19 infection with dermatological manifestations and systemic inflammatory disorders.
I thought busting a nut was something entirely different.
Ass of the Week
Woman allegedly killed roommate by sitting on her until she suffocated
A Texas woman was arrested Tuesday for allegedly killing her roommate by sitting on her until she suffocated.
Gloria Ann Jordan, 41, is facing a manslaughter charge in connection with the death of her roommate, Gloria Farmer, according to an arrest affidavit obtained by KAUZ.
Farmer’s death on Nov. 21 was originally considered medical; however, law enforcement officials launched a follow-up investigation after a family friend came forward days later with concerns, the affidavit read.
Detectives questioned Jordan and Farmer’s third roommate and she reportedly said Jordan may have caused Farmer’s death but that she did not say anything to them on the day that Farmer died because she was afraid of Jordan.
The roommate went on to say that Jordan put her hand on Farmer’s forehead while praying and pushed her backward in an office chair until Farmer and the chair fell over, the affidavit read.
Jordan then allegedly sat on Farmer’s chest until Farmer stopped breathing.
An autopsy revealed that Farmer’s death was a homicide caused by mechanical asphyxia.
During questioning with police on Nov. 24, Jordan allegedly admitted to pushing Farmer over and straddling her body in a prayer position with her hand on Farmer’s forehead. She refused to answer further questions, the affidavit continued.
Jordan also faces charges in connection with a separate incident on Nov. 25 when she allegedly slammed a woman’s head into the wall while shouting, “I rebuke you in the name of the Lord” after the woman refused to drive her to Dallas for a medical appointment unless Jordan paid for gas, the local news station reported.
I thought a killer ass was something entirely different.
Butt Crack of the Week
Search of man’s buttocks leads to arrest after traffic stop in Leesburg
A Lake County Sheriff’s Office K-9 deputy was on traffic patrol early Tuesday morning when he clocked a car traveling at 68 miles per hour in a 45 mph zone. He stopped the car at the intersection of County Road 473 and Allyson Road in Leesburg. After informing the driver of the reason for the stop, the deputy asked if there was anything illegal in the car. The deputy asked for permission to search the vehicle. The driver refused to give permission to search the car, so the deputy had his K-9, Jim, perform an open air sniff test for narcotics. The K-9 alerted on the vehicle and the K-9 deputy, who was being assisted by another deputy, removed the driver and his passenger, 31-year-old Joshua Cranmer, from the car. The deputies had the two men stand in front of a patrol car. A bag containing crack cocaine was found on the passenger side floor by the K-9 officer.
Another officer found a baggie near where the men were standing. This baggie contained methamphetamine. It also appeared to have fecal matter on it. An examination of Cranmer’s boxer shorts showed they contained fecal material.
When the officer went back to his patrol car and watched the video of the two men in front of his car, he saw Cranmer reach into the back of his pants as if he was removing something. The officer searched Cranmer’s buttocks, according to the arrest report. During the search the deputy felt something hard in Cranmer’s buttocks. When asked if he had anything else hidden on him, Cranmer began to cry and said he did not and said he had a “bowel issue.” As Cranmer moved away from the search area the deputy found a gold cylinder which appeared to have fecal matter on it. The cylinder contained a controlled substance, MDMA and cocaine.
Sometimes being a cop is a shitty job.
Spread of the Week
Iowa man sentenced to life in prison after killing his friend in a fight over mayonnaise
An Iowa man was sentenced to life behind bars for the murder of a friend he repeatedly ran over with a pickup truck after a fight about mayonnaise.
Kristofer Erlbacher, now 29, used his truck to ram Caleb Solberg, 30, outside a café in the small town of Pisgah on Dec. 17, 2020, the Des Moines Register reported. Erlbacher initially drove away, then came back and ran over Solberg two more times, according to the Register.
The two had been out drinking at a bar with another person earlier in the night in nearby Moorhead, but things took a turn when Erlbacher spread mayo on Solberg’s food, which riled Solberg and sparked a bar fight, the Woodbine Twiner-Herald reported.
A furious Erlbacher called Solberg’s half-brother, Craig Pryor, on the way to the café and threatened to set Solberg’s house on fire and shoot him, the newspaper said. Pryor later came to Dave’s Old Home in Pisgah, where another confrontation was brewing.
Erlbacher eventually rammed his truck into Pryor’s, then rammed Solberg.
“Erlbacher’s first blow to Solberg did not kill him. He can be heard screaming for his brother, Craig Pryor,” District Judge Greg Steensland wrote in the verdict, according to the Twiner-Herald.
“Rather than just leave, Erlbacher went down the street, turned around, and came back to strike Solberg a second time … To be sure he had completed the job, Erlbacher drove his truck up and over Solberg one last time.”
Erlbacher then drove off, but his truck broke down a short while later. On the phone, he told Pryor that he had killed Solberg, according to the verdict.
I’m calling bullshit. White people love mayonnaise.
Dear Def-Con News – Weekly Advice Column
Some who fishes for anuses – DCN
Is Peeing After Sex Important?
It’s better than doing it during – DCN
Maybe you’re full of shit – DCN
How Did People Wipe Their Butts Before Toilet Paper?
They didn’t – DCN
Can vaginal discharge bleach underwear?
Yes, but Clorox works better – DCN
I’m afraid of clowns – DCN
When it hurts to go pee – DCN
Comfort Zone of the Week
Model told to cover up because her ‘big breasts make people uncomfortable’ at theme park
A model claims she was told to cover up at a theme park for wearing a crop top after being told her “big breasts make people uncomfortable.”
Whitney Paige Venable, 26, from Florida, and visited Universal Studios in Orlando and says she was shocked at how she was treated by staff.
The model claims that an employee informed her that she would have to cover up her cleavage if she wanted to be let into the park.
Whitney was wearing a white crop top and mint green shorts but says many other women were wearing similar outfits.
“I felt humiliated and embarrassed,” said Whitney, who has 1.6 million followers on Instagram.
“I was told I had to change my top to be able to enter. I think it’s because I have naturally big breasts and it makes people uncomfortable but at far as I know my clothing wasn’t against the rules.
“I feel like I was discriminated against because of the size of my breasts. I noticed other people staring and I felt really embarrassed. It was humiliating.”
I thought Thunder Mountain was a Disneyland ride.
Slap of the Week
Madhya Pradesh Man Beaten For Urinating In Front Of Cow
A man was arrested after he was caught on video beating up and abusing a person for allegedly urinating in front of a cow in Madhya Pradesh’s Ratlam district, police said on Saturday.
The Manak Chowk police arrested the accused Virendra Rathod on Friday night under sections 323 (voluntarily causing hurt), 294 (obscene act) and 506 (criminal intimidation) of the IPC, an official said.
A video of Rathod beating up the victim identified as Saifuddin Patliwala for allegedly urinating in front of a cow went viral on social media, it was stated.
After the video went viral, the police tracked down the victim, and following a complaint from him, the accused was arrested, Manik Chowk police station in-charge Sachin Dabar said.
The purported video shows the victim apologising as the accused alleges that he had urinated in front of a cow. The accused proceeds to slap the victim, even as the latter apologised repeatedly.
There are so many worse things they do to cows in India.
Whacker of the Week
Police Looking for Suspect Who Masturbated While Standing Behind Woman in Grocery Store
The Palo Alto Police Department urgently needs the public’s assistance in identifying and locating a man who committed a lewd act this week while closely standing behind a woman as she rang up her groceries in the self-checkout line of a Safeway store.
The incident happened at about 11 a.m. Wednesday at the Safeway store, located at 2811 Middlefield Rd. The victim, a woman in her 20s, called police Thursday morning to notify them of the incident.
The woman told police she was ringing up her groceries in the self-checkout line when she noticed the suspect standing very closely behind her.
She told police that another man approached her, telling her that the suspect had been following her and taking photographs of her. That male witness, who police have not yet been able to identify nor interview, began yelling at the suspect. The victim was scared and left the store. Once outside, she noticed what she believed to be biological fluid on the back of her shirt and pants.
Police in close collaboration with the Safeway store’s management were able to review surveillance video of the incident, which shows the suspect masturbating while standing immediately behind the woman. The suspect appeared to be fully clothed at the time and was discreetly masturbating, according to police, but in such a way that his actions may have not been immediately obvious to a passerby.
I would assume that’s what kind of samples grocery stores in the Bay Area give out.
Foot Fetish of the Week
Foot Locker manager ejaculated into shoes before giving to customer to try on
A Foot Locker manager has been accused of ejaculating into trainers and handing them off to customers to try on before bragging about his sick behaviour online.
The Bramalea City Centre store manager, in Brampton, Ontario allegedly climaxed into shoes before taking them out onto the shop floor.
The allegations were made after a series of videos and photos were posted on social media by Darion Kydd of Mississauga. In the clips, he shared images of himself stark naked in the stores stock room.
Other clips included footage of him ejaculating inside a trainer before taking it out to a customer.
Footlocker issued a statement to BlogTO, stating: “Foot Locker is committed to operating with the highest ethical standards and this type of behaviour is not tolerated.
“We are aware of the incident and are taking the appropriate steps to address the situation.”
I see the new Nike Air Jizzdons are in.
Toaster of the Week
Child badly burned after Florida man throws gun powder into fire pit
A Central Florida man was arrested after police say he threw gun powder into a fire pit and it exploded, burning him and his small son.
Walter Fallen of Eustis is charged with one count of child abuse.
According to an arrest affidavit, officers responded to a home on Jackson St. on Dec. 29 to investigate a report of a fire pit exploding in the backyard. When they arrived, they say Fallen came out of the bathroom with just a towel on and appeared pale with burn injuries across his body.
A 3-year-old child also came out of the bathroom crying and covered with a wet towel.
The child, who suffered second and third degree burns, was taken to Arnold Palmer hospital by helicopter and then the University of Florida Hospital in Gainesville.
The arrest report states that the officer went into the backyard and found mangled can that read ‘gun powder’ and a sparkler. The redacted report states that they were trying to toast bagels over the fire because they do not have a toaster inside the home.
The officer did not find any bagels.
There was also a suspicious lack of lox and cream cheese at the residence.
Pepper of the Week
Man begs mystery tormentor to stop throwing pepper with ‘I hate you’ on it down chimney
A tormented Pittsburgh man has resorted to putting up flyers begging a mysterious perpetrator to stop their “campaign” of throwing peppers with ‘I HATE YOU’ carved onto them down his chimney “every evening.”
The bizarre flyer has begun circulating online again after appearing on Reddit late last year.
Tweeting about it, one user said: “WTF is going on in Pittsburgh??”
He shared a picture of the homemade flyer which features cartoon graphics of a man throwing something towards a house and a photograph of a green pepper in the fireplace of a home.
“Who does it? Every evening a pepper falls down the chimney,” it reads.
“I worship the lord and have never made an enemy. Who’s doing it?”
Under a section tagged ‘caught throwing’ there appears to be a still of camera footage showing the perpetrator aiming a shot at his victim’s house.
A clip art mock up of a man throwing something towards a chimney with a big red arrow pointed at it is also shown.
Peter Piper was cleared as a suspect as the peppers were not pickled.
WTF? of the Week
Mum ‘stabbed daughter to death after SpongeBob SquarePants told her to kill tragic tot’
A mum reportedly claimed that animated character SpongeBob SquarePants ordered her to kill her three-year-old daughter.
Justine Johnson, 22, allegedly stabbed Sutton Mosser repeatedly on September 16, before stuffing her body into a black bag after heroin withdrawal hallucinations and lack of sleep made her believe a cartoon had instructed her to murder.
In a preliminary hearing on Friday (February 4), Child Protective Services investigator, Ryan Eberline, said that on the day Sutton was killed, Johnson said she had left her mother’s Oscoda Township house in Michigan where she was living.
She passed out in a graveyard before returning to the house and attempted to kill herself before she allegedly killed her daughter.
Recalling his interview with the mum on October 1, he said: “She told me that she didn’t remember the specifics of what happened at the time of what happened to Sutton, that she was experiencing hallucinations due to heroin withdrawal and not sleeping for approximately two weeks.
“She was getting hallucinations from the TV that had instructed her to take her daughter’s life or they would kill her.
“It was SpongeBob who was saying these things on the TV.
“If she didn’t do what she did to her daughter they would kill her. She said she was afraid for her life and she had lost her mind.”
If Sponge Bob told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?
