Thanks to Joe Biden’s WTF? leadership, there is war in Europe for the first time since he was born. Here’s some other WTF? battles that could have been avoided with a little competence:
Headline of the Week
Moped-Rider Grabs Woman’s Buttocks On Gowanus Street
GOWANUS, BROOKLYN — A man who drove his moped onto a Union Street sidewalk to grab a young woman’s buttocks is being sought by police.
The moped driver drove up behind the woman on Union Street between Nevins Street and Third Avenue about 9:25 p.m. on Feb. 1st, according to a video released by the NYPD.
Police captured a surveillance video of the man, but as of Feb. 23 — over three weeks after the incident — no arrests have been made and an investigation into the robbery remains ongoing, an NYPD spokesperson said.
Everybody knows there’s a lot of ass play in Gowanus.
Batterer of the Week
Man hospitalized after shoving AA battery into his penis
An Iranian man was forced to go to the emergency room after shoving a AA battery down his penis in a grotesque stunt worthy of the new Discovery+ series “This Came Out of Me.”
The fiasco came to light after the unnamed 49-year-old reported to a hospital in Tehran, where he informed doctors that he had the charging device lodged in his genital organ for 24 hours, according to a new case study published in the medical journal Urology Case Reports.
During a followup visit, the patient complained of a “recurrence of obstructive and irritating urinary symptoms including dysuria, decreased urinary force.” He also reportedly experienced a burning sensation whenever he tried to urinate.
Meanwhile, subsequent X-rays revealed “severe and progressive” scarring to his urethra, which mitigated the amount of fluids that could flow through the tube. Doctors surmised that the scar tissue build-up could’ve been caused by toxic chemicals in the battery.
The patient never revealed his inspiration for the log jam, however surgeons observed that patients shove items in their urethras for a number of factors, including “psychiatric illness, autoeroticism, intoxication and perceived contraception.”
Yet another reason why Iran shouldn’t be allowed to develop nuclear power.
Fighter of the Week
Man who cut off his PENIS and put it in a DRAWER is fighting for his life
A young Australian man is fighting for life after cutting off his penis and putting it in a drawer.
Police officers rushed to an address in Wollongong, south of Sydney, on Wednesday afternoon where they found the 25-year-old man bleeding heavily.
The man had cut off his penis at the base with a multi-tool and placed it in a drawer, sources told The Daily Telegraph.
Police took the man and his severed body part to Wollongong Hospital, where he underwent emergency surgery.
Officers who arrived first on the scene have been offered counselling.
A NSW Police spokesman told Daily Mail Australia it doesn’t comment on self-harm incidents.
By the time there is a severed penis in a drawer, counseling is too late.
Freezer of the Week
Finland skier suffers frozen penis in Olympics mass start race
The men’s 50km mass start race at the Beijing Games was shortened to 30km but that did little to help Finland’s Remi Lindholm, who needed a heat pack at the end of the race to thaw out a particularly sensitive body part.
Lindholm spent just under an hour and 16 minutes traversing the course in howling, freezing winds, leading to his penis becoming frozen for the second time in a cross-country skiing race following a similar incident in Ruka, Finland last year.
“You can guess which body part was a little bit frozen when I finished (the men’s Olympic 50km race) … it was one of the worst competitions I’ve been in. It was just about battling through,” he told Finnish media.
With organizers worried about frostbite during Saturday’s race, it was delayed by an hour and shortened by 20km. The thin suits and under-layers worn by racers, as well as plasters to cover their faces and ears, offered little protection.
If only he had some kind of muff to keep his weiner warm.
High Kicker of the Week
WOMAN KICKS CAMPUS POLICE IN TESTICLES, SCREAMS “I’M HIGH AS HELL!” AFTER 400MG EDIBLE
20-year-old Aila Michel Thomas says she ate a 400mg marijuana brownie bar shortly before she kicked APSU Campus Police Officer Levi Grubb in his groin and assaulted Officer Gabby Linn. The two had responded to a 911 hangup call from Eriksson Hall to find Thomas running around the common area of the dorm screaming “I’m high as hell!” and stating she was about to pass out.
Medics were called to the scene, which is when she became aggressive and assaulted the officers, and became combative and belligerent. As Officer Linn was restraining her, she broke free of her grip and swung for her head, but only slapped her arm when she dodged the swing.
Aila Michel Thomas was booked into the Montgomery County Jail and charged with two counts of assault on a first responder, resisting arrest, and public intoxication. She posted a $23,000 bond via Edmonson Bonding Company. Her bond out address is 2734 Laurel Crest Cv in Memphis, TN.
Another sad misinterpretation of the term “higher education.”
Sucker of the Week
Dad buys holiday sweets for kids – but didn’t realise they were shaped like boobs and willies
A DAD gave his kids sweets he bought abroad — to find they were shaped like boobs and willies.
James Austin, 47, only realised his howler when one of his giggling sons showed him a “sperm” chew.
The social media manager then hurriedly collected the pornographic treats before his youngest grabbed hold of them.
James had been in Benidorm last weekend visiting his dad and popped into a gift shop to buy treats for sons William and Oliver, both 13, and their ten-year-old brother Samuel.
He swept up three bags of what he thought were “Spanish Haribo” which were on a waist-high shelf in the Candy Shop Diana store.
James, married to Helen, dished them out when he got back home in Derby — then got a rude shock later that evening.
He recalled: “William came down in fits of laughter and asked, ‘Have you seen these sweets, dad?’ and me and Helen just looked at each other confused.
“When he showed me the sperm one, he was in hysterics.”
His kids’ X-rated assortment included a selection of willies, vaginas, and pairs of perky bum cheeks and breasts.
James said: “It suddenly dawned on me that Samuel might be about to open his so I quickly retrieved them from his room.”
James did sample one but said it tasted gross, adding: “I sort of bit it, said ‘nope’ then put them all in the bin.
Nice try, pretending like he doesn’t like the taste of sperm.
Butter of the Week
Doctors Find Whole Glass Stuck In Rectum Of Man After He ‘Accidentally Swallowed It’
Doctors were left baffled after finding a whole glass inside the stomach of a 55-year-old man – who claims he swallowed the cup while drinking tea.
The patient was admitted to a hospital in Bihar, India, with constipation and severe abdominal pain.
He underwent an ultrasound and X-ray, in which doctors located a ‘serious disturbance’ in his intestines.
Much to their shock, that ‘disturbance’ turned out to be a whole glass.
Doctors tried to remove the glass from the rectum with an endoscopic procedure, but had no such luck; they had no choice but to operate on the man to finally remove it.
The embarrassed patient claims he simply swallowed the glass while drinking a cuppa, although doctors aren’t convinced due to the food pipe being too narrow for the object to pass through.
Dr Mahmudal Hasan, head of the team of operating doctors, said: “How the glass got inside the body of the said patient, it is still a mystery.”
There’ no mystery. He put it up his butt.
Pisser of the Week
Elderly taxi driver who stopped to urinate into drain fell down it to his death
An elderly taxi driver has been found dead at the bottom of a storm drain after stopping to urinate down it and falling in.
Suwan Phromnok was found in a fetal position with water up to his chest in the bottom of the hole, which measured just one metre by half a metre across.
The 64-year-old, originally from Nakhon Ratchasima, fell down the drain, which had no grate and was surrounded by tyres, at a petrol station in the Thai capital, Bangkok.
The cabbie’s wife 67-year-old Lauei Muenjai believed her husband had gone to the gas station to repair his taxi at around midday.
She said it was likely he started drinking with friends while the work was taking place – but when he realised it was not going to be fixed until the next day, he started walking home in the dark.
Mrs Muenjai believes he would have stopped to go to the toilet in the open drain and probably fell in while drunk.
Police lieutenant Ekachai Innimit told reporters that Mr Phromnok’s body was sent to Siriraj Hospital for a post mortem examination to determine his cause of death.
He literally pissed his whole life away.
Crapper of the Week
Bloke stabbed in the hand after refusing to flush toilet in bizarre bathroom row
A man was stabbed in the hand after he refused to flush the toilet in a restroom and was then set upon by an angry bathroom neighbour, police say.
The strange confrontation happened on Sunday morning (February 20) at the Back Bay MBTA station in Boston and involved two men – Hector Avededo, 42, and the 33-year-old victim.
Incensed by the man’s refusal to dispose of his waste, Avededo confronted him and tempers boiled over into a fight.
After the man had finished his toilet break, Avededo told him to flush the toilet, to which he replied: “Mind your own business.”
The pair argued back and forth between the walls of the toilet, never actually seeing each other before things kicked off.
After Avededo left the restroom, he loitered outside and angrily quizzed all the men who came out, demanding to know which one of them was ‘talking s*** in the bathroom’ – and more importantly not flushing it.
When the victim came forward, a fight ensued which left the man with a knife wound to the hand and Avededo running from the scene.
Dude almost literally shit his life away.
Choker of the Week
Pictured here for the first time is a depraved cocaine-addicted killer who strangled his grandmother to death before repeatedly raping her corpse.
Donovan Miller choked 76-year-old Phyllis Grant and beat her over the head with a vase at her home in Kent Street, Plaistow, east London.
The 31-year-old killer then had sex with her body twice, before admitting his horrifying acts to paramedics, telling them ‘I raped her’.
The Old Bailey heard how police arrived at Ms Grant’s address after 10pm on March 25 last year after Miller called police saying he had killed his grandmother the previous night.
He told paramedic the night of his arrest: ‘I raped her as well for what it’s worth, yesterday and today.’
Miller later confirmed he had sex with his grandmother’s corpse after she had died.
He also told police he was dependent on cocaine but that he had no mental health issues.
I’d say he has at least two mental issues.
Driver of the Week
A 29-year-old Michigan man charged in the fatal hit-and-run of a 64-year-old retired nurse allegedly killed her on purpose so he could have sex with her dead body, prosecutors said.
Colby Martin, of White Pigeon, was initially charged with manslaughter after he allegedly struck Melody Rohrer with his car on September 20 and moved her body about 26 miles southwest, Van Buren County Sheriff’s Office said at the time.
Prosecutors upgraded his charges to open murder during a hearing at Van Buren County District Court on Wednesday, after investigators revealed that Martin searched necrophilia-related pornography immediately after Rohrer’s death, ABC 13 reported.
Detectives also found Rohrer’s DNA on condoms found in Martin’s car and in a trash can near his house, the news outlet added.
Martin allegedly struck Rohrer dead with his car and took some of her belongings and cell phone, which police used to track him down the following day at a Walmart parking lot in Oshtemo Township. He was using the same car, a 2013 Ford F-150, when law enforcement confronted him and detectives said it had ‘severe’ front-end damage.
Martin led police to Rohrer’s body, about 25 miles southwest at the Three Rivers State Game Area. Police alleged that Martin took the body to the second location, which is a large public park with hundreds of acres of trees and wooded sections, and engaged in sexual acts with it there.
He wore a condom to rape a corpse? What a responsibly guy.
Stripper of the Week
Drunk Florida lawyer busted for stripping naked in a bar after being refused service
A Florida attorney was busted for allegedly stripping naked in a busy bar after being told she was too drunk to get served — hours after she was released from jail.
Kelly Elkins, 49, was “unclothed and completely naked” when cops arrived at the Beach Lounge in St. Pete Beach — and refused to get dressed, according to an arrest affidavit.
The licensed attorney was booked into Pinellas County Jail in the early hours of Friday — less than 24 hours after she’d been released for allegedly boozing at a nearby Thai restaurant without paying, online records show.
After she got out of jail, she hit the Beach Lounge Friday and was already “intoxicated to the point the manager refused to serve her,” the affidavit said.
She then “walked into the restroom and then came back out into the bar unclothed and completely naked,” the affidavit said, noting that there were “several patrons” there witnessing it all.
The manager told her to “put her clothes on and leave,” but she refused, the complaint said.
When officers arrived, Elkins was still “naked in the bar” and “had to be told several times to get dressed,” the complaint said.
Even then, “she only put a zip-up hoodie on and did not zip the shirt up. Defendant refused to put her pants on,” saying she was “too tired,” the officer wrote of the “uncooperative” lawyer.
Elkins was charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct and released on her own recognizance, the court documents show.
She was also sprung in the early hours of Thursday on other misdemeanor charges — obtaining food or lodging with intent to defraud.
In that case, she went to Nori Thai in St. Pete Beach on Wednesday afternoon and “consumed food and various alcoholic beverages” even though she did not have the $38.25 to cover the check, the affidavit in that case said.
To demonstrate my sobriety, allow me to strip off all my clothes.
Chomper of the Week
Bloke suffering from breathing problems shocked to discover a tooth growing in his nose
A man who had been struggling to breathe through his nose for years was shocked to discover he had a tooth growing inside his right nostril.
The 38-year-old told a clinic he had been suffering from breathing problems and an initial examination diagnosed him with a deviated septum and calcified septal spurs.
The man ensured medics that he had no facial trauma or abnormalities as the condition persisted – but a more in-depth examination revealed he was dealing with an extremely rare ailment.
Doctors performed a rhinoscopy, where a tube is inserted inside a patient’s nose, and found a white object lodged in his nostril that was identified as an ectopic tooth that had actually grown up there.
Ectopic is a medical term meaning something that is in an abnormal place or position, which are extremely rare.
It sure makes eating boogers easier.
Collector of the Week
Disgusted woman discovers husband has been collecting his diarrhoea in jars
Many, perhaps most married couples keep harmless little secrets from each other.
But one woman, writing in an anonymous confessions forum on Reddit, shared the grim story of how she discovered her husband’s bizarre private “collection,” and it’s more than slightly weird.
“While cleaning out the kitchen pantry,” she wrote, “I was dusting the top shelf, and noticed the clanging of jars up there.
“So I got out the step ladder and up there is fourteen jars filled to the brim with diarrhoea and sealed with lids.”
The jars appeared to have been arranged in order of consistency, “from brown water to a thick black sludge”.
She made the mistake of unscrewing the lids of one of the jars to find out what was inside. “The smell was so bad I can still feel it burning the back of my throat,” she says.
She was aware that her hubby suffered from IBS, she says, but is “lost for words as to why he would poo into jars”.
Because when they get divorced, he wants to keep as much of his shit as possible.
WTF? is That of the Week
Woman charged in fatal stabbing that killed student at Lincoln University
Authorities in Chester County arrested a woman who fatally stabbed a 21-year-old student at Lincoln University on February 16.
Nydira Smith was charged with fatally stabbing Jawine Evans, 21, in the neck at a dormitory hall on campus, according to Fox29. The suspect also stabbed two other students — Eric Dickerson, 22, and Clifton Walker, 22.
Smith was the sister of a student at Lincoln University who was involved in the fight with all three students stabbed.
“We believe it was premeditated. She took an hour and a half to drive from her home in West Mount Airy out to Lincoln University with a knife to join in a fight with the intent to kill,” said Chester County District Attorney, Deb Ryan.
Smith, 39, is being held in Chester County Prison without bail, facing charges of first- and third-degree murder, possessing an instrument of a crime, and aggravated assault, according to Daily Local.
Is that a human?
WTF? of the Week
Fears over ‘zombie attacker’ after drunk naked man mauls victim and drinks his blood
A village in the Philippines has been terrorised by a naked “zombie man” who has been running around biting people and drinking their blood.
Police in the village of Tungan-tungan were forced to debunk rumours of a “zombie attack” after a 30-year-old man was mauled by a strange young attacker.
Videos of a naked man biting and clawing at the man had been shared widely on social media with many believing that the attack was otherworldly.
The victim suffered grievous injuries including being bitten, having his blood sucked, and having his eyes gouged.
The 25-year-old perpetrator was arrested after the incident as he ran naked from the scene of the attack.
The ‘zombie’ attack occurred in the middle of the night after the victim had left his home to investigate a disturbance…
Police eventually arrested the suspect and detained him at the Valencia City police station.
Amazingly despite his deranged behaviour, the suspect, who has a history of drug abuse, insisted he was only drunk at the time of his bloody rampage.
I spent all my time preparing for a zombie apocalypse when it was really a drunken Philippino apocalypse I should have been worrying about.
