I started Def-Con News as a “definitely conservative/defiantly conservative” website but after doing some extensive research, I realize the error of my ways. Liberalism and progressivism are the way. Pay no attention to the fact that it is April 1 and look at what I’ve discovered before you judge:
Guns Do Kill People
Those yahoos at the NRA like to say that “guns don’t kill people, people kill people” but I found some evidence that contradicts it. In an important film called “Maximum Overdrive” where the machines rise up against humanity, there is a mounted machine gun with absolutely no motors, servos, or sensors. Despite being a completely inanimate object, this machine gun can sense, target, and yes, kill human beings. If that’s not proof that guns kill people, I don’t know what is.
Men Are Women If They Say So
Biology is a right-wing conspiracy and Russian disinformation. Just because someone is born with a dick and balls doesn’t mean that person is male. Gender is determined by a person’s preference but even more amazing, a man putting on a dress magically transforms him into a her. There’s a radical piece of technology called the “Vag Vortex” which, when worn, sucks testicles up into the abdomen, turning them into ovaries, and inverts the penis into a vagina. But what about the uterus? As I told you, biology is a myth so men can give birth because they say they are women.
Rules That Apply To Everyone Are Racist
Conventional wisdom says that equality is achieved when everyone is treated the same but that doesn’t account for the rule of lowered expectations. A landmark study from the University of Slumsylvania for instance shows that black people can’t be expected to get proper identification or obey laws like the rest f us. Therefore, voter ID laws and the entire criminal justice system is racist because they disproportionately affect people of color.
Abortion Does Save Lives
Those right-to-lifers would have you believe that killing an unborn baby as a matter of convenience is murder but, again, biology has been debunked. What is growing in a mother’s womb is simply a clump of cells that is magically transformed into a human life when it passes through the birth canal. On the other hand, a woman being forced to give birth by the patriarchy could see her dreams of working at Starbucks shattered because she now has to care for a baby. Unencumbered by the blessing of a child, a woman’s life is saved to pursue all of her low-set goals.
High Taxes Equals Prosperity
Conservatives claim that letting people keep more of the money that they earn is good for the economy because they’ll have more cash to spend on goods and services. Researchers at AOCU however argue that nobody is better at spending people’s money than the government. Average people spend their money on pointless things like food, gas, and housing, while the government can take that cash to fund COVID-19 research in Wuhan, China and pay people not to work. It’s a proven fact that when people have less money, they are less reckless in their spending, which is a major economic driver.
Straight White Men Are The Worst
Yes, straight white men invented everything of consequence and built our entire civilization but that’s no reason to give them credit. According to BLM/LGBTQ Monthly, everything sucks and straight white men are to blame. Under modern society, there are no safe spaces for aggrieved minorities nor are there any opportunities for them to succeed. Democracy and capitalism must be abolished and a consortium of trans Afro-Latinix should rule instead.
Joe Biden Is The Greatest Leader In World History
Haters are going to say before Biden took over, everything was right in the world and now that he’s in the White House inflation is out of control, our borders have disappeared, violent crime is through the roof, and we’re on the brink of WWIII. They would also point out that his cognitive ability is gone and he lies about everything. I would say to the haters, consider all of the good things he’s done. He gave free crack pipes to black people and let COVID-infected illegal aliens settle anywhere they want in the U.S., no questions asked. Also, he’s going to put a black woman on the moon. If you can’t recognize that as bold leadership, I feel sorry for you.
Hopefully our regular leaders will see the light as I have and embrace Def-Con News’ new liberal format. I have instructed our moderator to unblock that liberal troll who called me a “faggot” for challenging progressive dogma and I’m encouraging our writers to submit articles like “The Wit and Wisdom of AOC” and “Breadlines are Cool.”
