The Oscars went full-WTF? this week when Will Smith smacked the shit out of Chris Rock. Here’s some other WTF? more deserving of a bitch-slap:
Headline of the Week
Woman ‘addicted to masturbating’ taken to hospital after getting vibrator stuck up bum
A woman was rushed to hospital with an eight-inch-long “butt-stick” vibrator stuck in her backside after her love of masturbation went slightly too far.
Brittany, from Alabama, US, admitted she was “addicted to masturbation” while being single for three years and started to explore the world of sex toys.
“I ordered a vibrator, like a bumpy butt-stick. It was like blue and it had three balls and a little bitty vibrator on it,” she said on brand-new documentary Stuck.
“I was so excited, as soon as I got it in the mail I was like, ‘Oh I’m done, I’m going to take a bath’.”
But she soon realised it wasn’t the best idea.
“Too much oil, too much excitement, and you just don’t have that many hands yourself, so it just happens,” she explained.
“Two hands, three parts, so it had to be let go off. I thought it was going to stay, and it didn’t stay; the vibrator part on it made it like a tunnel.”
The unfortunate mishap saw the vibrator get sucked so far in that she felt it “vibrating” her back.
“I panicked for like 20 minutes,” she continued.
Brittany had no choice but to call emergency services and was sent to general surgeon Dr George Crawford, who was taken aback when he saw her.
“When you think about it, the rectum is designed to keep poop off the floor. If you put something far enough up, it will suck it right up,” he added.
Under an X-ray examination, Dr Crawford located the vibrator somewhere near the colon and said Brittany was lucky that it hadn’t caused any serious damages or any bleeding.
The expert used a pair of thin metal tongs and pulled it free of Brittany’s body.
I feel like there’s a good Duracell commercial in here somewhere.
Stunner of the Week
Therapist stunned as ‘penis enlargement massage’ April Fools’ prank gets 1,000 applications
A massage therapist was stunned with the response to an April’s Fool joke when she offered ‘penis enlargement massages’ to clients.
Vanessa Paula launched a fake promotion for the day, the Daily Star reports – not expecting a huge number of people to apply.
Vanessa, who specialises in massages that she claims enlarges the buttocks, said she was offering penis enlargement massages without any kind of surgery.
While she thought it would raise a few eyebrows, she was left dumbstruck when more than 1,000 men enquired about the service.
“They are very interested in this subject, but I scheduled the release for April Fools’ Day and they believed it,” she said.
She then had to cancel the registrations and scheduling for the fake massage launch.
An attractive woman offers to rub men’s penises to make them larger and she’s stunned by the overwhelming response?
Dick of the Week
THE CASE OF THE MYSTERIOUS SEVERED PENIS CONTINUED
As first reported by our good friend Adam at Universal Hub, a severed penis was located on Hancock Street on Wednesday. The penis was found around 07:30 hours and appeared to have been left out in the open for many hours
According to Uhub, “They followed the blood trail to a nearby address where they found a bleeding man who, in addition to removing his penis, had also stabbed himself several times. EMS took him to a local hospital for care. Police declined to comment on the incident, because it involved an “emotionally disturbed person,” not a crime.”
Littering is a crime.
Nut of the Week
Syrians sell organs to overcome poverty
The sale of human organs is spreading in Syria, where a black market managing the trade has emerged through advertisements on social media and street posters for people looking to sell their organs, Melody Radio reported.
Ahmed Farid Ghaza, a doctor on the board of directors of the Syrian urological society, said many people were putting their kidneys and testicles up for sale due to the economic crisis in Syria.
There are no official or non-governmental statistics about the number of organ trade cases, but Ghazal, like other doctors, said he receives “many consultations from people who want to sell their kidneys and testicles”.
“The organ trade is prohibited by law and there are tough penalties for those who receive financial compensation in exchange for organ donation,” he said.
Doctor Ammar al-Rai, a specialist in kidney surgery in Damascus, also said that he receives daily calls from people wishing to sell their organs.
“I receive two to three calls to discuss the matter every day,” he said, according to the radio station, which is close to the government.
What’s the going rate for a used testicle?
Yeast of the Week
Beer brewers are turning to vagina yeast to make limited edition sour ales
But, a Polish-based brewery takes the cake with its Yoni Beer.
Brewed from the vaginal lactic acid of underwear supermodels, the creators of Yoni Beer claimed to have essentially bottled the essence of beautiful, exotic women in their beer.
While the creators claim that vaginal yeast has been used to brew beer since the earliest civilizations, there’s no concrete evidence to support this.
Once the woman makes it past the selection process, samples of lactic acid bacteria from her vagina are collected and isolated.
During the isolation process, the specimen is examined for other harmful bacteria, viruses and the presence of other RNA and DNA.
“This assures that only lactobacillus bacteria is used and is completely safe and healthy,” said Yoni Beer on its website.
The Yoni Lactobacillus is used in the production of limited edition sour ales, lambics, flanker ales and sour stouts.
They also brew a brown ale made from the skid marks on supermodels’ underwear.
Rotter of the Week
Man’s penis turns black and rots after he injected it with cocaine
A man watched his penis turn black and rot after he injected it with cocaine.
The horrifying tale was reported by doctors in New York.
They said the 35-year-old unnamed man turned up at the emergency room at BronxCare Hospital Center in agony.
He had spent the past three days in “excruciating” and worsening pain in the penis, scrotum, groin area and right foot.
The pain started almost immediately after he injected the class A drug cocaine into the dorsal vein of the penis, which runs the full length of the shaft.
It wasn’t the first time he had chosen the mind-boggling method of delivering his high.
The man admitted to having injected cocaine into the dorsal vein at least twice in the past fortnight, although without any obvious problems.
He said he had a long history of intravenous drug use, and with most other injection sites damaged, he had turned to one of the only places left – his penis.
Upon examination, medics discovered swelling, ulcers, a “foul-smelling serious discharge”, and necrosis, the medical term for rotting tissue.
The unidentified man had a significant history of drug use but no STIs were discovered.
Doctors quickly started him on an IV of antibiotics and his condition “improved slowly”.
The patient refused to have surgery to cut away at the dying tissue of his penis, which was receiving standard wound care.
After spending five days hooked up to antibiotics, the man was given a 10-day course of pills.
The case report said: “His clinical condition improved, but he refused to go for drug rehabilitation treatment and was later lost to follow-up.”
It’s not clear how well the man recovered from the ordeal.
I’m going to guess not very well.
Beater of the Week
Met Police PCSO admits masturbating in uniform on park bench
A serving PCSO from the Met Police has admitted masturbating in a south London park.
Croydon Magistrates’ Court heard Kevin Phillips, 56, blamed the incident on stress and a medical condition.
Phillips was charged with outraging public decency after being caught committing the act while wearing his uniform in Dog Kennel Hill park in East Dulwich.
A member of the public filmed him, with the video viewed thousands of times after being shared online.
The court heard Phillips, who works in the Met’s Roads and Transport Policing Command, admitted the offence when questioned after the incident on Wednesday.
Finally a police beating that won’t start a BLM riot.
Pisser of the Week
Police identify suspect seen urinating on snack rack in Detroit gas station store
The man accused of pulling down his pants and relieving himself all over a snack rack, is expected to soon be under arrest. Detroit police say thanks to tips from the public, he, along with the two other suspects in that video, were being located Tuesday afternoon.
A declined debit card led to the mayhem last weekend at this Amoco station on Detroit’s east side, off Warren. After the guy in the hoodie urinated on a snack rack, his trio helped themselves, even stealing the soiled ones on the ground.
Before peeling out, he pulled his pants down again, to show off a full moon to the clerk. The whole thing was on Green Light cameras, monitored by Detroit Police.
“If he thinks this is a joke we will be seeing him pretty soon,” said Deputy Chief Eric Ewing, Detroit police.
Ewing was right. On Tuesday DPD offered a $750 reward for more information on these guys on its DetroitRewards.TV website. It worked, tips came pouring in is leading investigators right to the suspects.
The public shaming aside – these guys, are looking at serious charges.
“Malicious destruction of property, some retail fraud and urinating in public,” Ewing said.
Now that’s how make Cheez Whiz.
Rocker of the Week
Las Vegas mother accused of attempting to smother ‘evil’ newborn
A Las Vegas woman was arrested on Wednesday after she allegedly attempted to smother her “evil” newborn on the way to the hospital.
Ashley Hollingsworth faces one charge of attempted murder and child abuse, according to Las Vegas police.
The 22-year-old had given a home birth on Saturday and was en route to MountainView Hospital when she wrapped a blanket around the newborn’s head, according to KLAS.
She allegedly compressed the blanket against the child’s nose and face. Upon arrival at the hospital, Hollingsworth refused to enter the emergency room because she was “bleeding profusely.”
Hollingsworth fled from the area near the hospital and was found about two hours later with injuries to her head. She told police she was “beat up by a rock,”…
Hollingsworth’s injuries are reflected in her booking photo, which showed the woman with two, large black eyes.
She allegedly told police there was “something evil” in her stomach and was trying to kill it.
Beat up by a Rock or beat up by a Smith?
Shredder of the Week
Piranhas shred footballer down to bone after police ‘chased him into river’
A Brazilian footballer’s skeleton has been pulled from a piranha-infested river after police allegedly forced him into the water with gun fire.
Luiz Henrique Coelho de Andrade, 21, was unrecognisable when his flesh-eaten remains were recovered on Saturday.
Police allegedly mistook Luiz for a criminal as he headed home from a football match and chased him into the Rio Negro river where they began shooting until he entered the water.
Unable to swim, Luiz struggled to stay afloat and when a potentially life-saving man sailed past on a canoe to the rescue, officers ordered them not to help.
Some media outlets, however, reported that the cops in question had been chasing a group of suspected criminals at the time and that Luiz simply fell in the water as he tried to get out of the way.
They added that those in a passing boat were scared off by the sound of police shooting.
Cops and firemen took part in the search for the missing footballer, whose body was pulled from the Rio Negro, which is a tributary of the mighty Amazon River.
These shocking images show how piranhas in the blackwater river left little flesh on his skeletal remains, which were tangled in a fishing net.
There’s something fishy about this story.
Cooler of the Week
Girl, 12, shoots cousin on livestream ‘trying to be cool’ then turns gun on herself
A 12-year-old girl ‘accidentally’ shot her 14-year-old cousin dead on a livestream while ‘trying to be hip’, prompting her to turn the gun on herself.
Paris and Kuaron Harvey were live on Instagram at around 2am on Friday in St Louis, Missouri, while at a birthday party.
During the stream Paris killed Kuaron and then herself. Police told the St Louis Post-Dispatch that both children were found unresponsive at 2.07am and were pronounced dead at the scene.
Police initially said that it was a deadly murder-suicide, but the family of the two tragic kids disagrees.
Shinise Harvey, Paris’ mother, told the St Louis Post-Dispatch : “It was no murder. It wasn’t a suicide. It was a freak accident. It happened.”
Shinise added that, although she hasn’t watched the video herself, relatives who have told her that the children were “trying to be too hip”.
Susan Dyson, Paris’ grandmother, has seen the video. She said: “It wasn’t a situation where they were arguing or anything like that. They were playing with the gun, when they shouldn’t have been.
“Of course, they shouldn’t have been doing it. I think it just went off. It went off by mistake.”
Describing the video, family say Paris can be seen reaching for the gun after it goes off a first time, suggesting that both shots could have been accidental.
“No matter how good we try to raise our kids,” said Shinise Harvey, “they still are going to venture off.”
In an attempt to be cool, the girls did manage to achieve room temperature, so it’s a partial victory.
Mug of the Week
Florida man pleads guilty to killing wife, putting body in trunk after she asked for divorce
A 49-year-old man pleaded guilty this week to killing his wife and putting her body in the trunk of his car after she asked for a divorce.
The State Attorney’s Office for Fourth Judicial Circuit of Florida announced Gerard Stewart entered the plea March 29, for the death of his wife Julie Ann Stewart. He was reportedly previously convicted of tampering with evidence, but WJXT-TV reports a jury deadlocked on murder charges in February.
According to the State Attorney’s Office, Gerard Stewart reportedly told a neighbor he “had killed his own wife and placed her body in the trunk of his car.” When law enforcement officials arrived, Stewart reportedly pulled his car out of the garage and entered his home. The Florida Times-Union reports an hours-long standoff with SWAT ensued when Stewart went inside, and officials were able to get his 9-year-old son out.
He reportedly told deputies he stabbed his wife two or three times, but an autopsy report showed Julie had 13 stab wounds. Her throat had reportedly been cut, too.
Stewart reportedly told investigators Julie “was going to take everything, including their son, from him in their upcoming divorce.”
After he stabbed her, he Stewart wrapped Julie’s body in trash bags and placed them in his trunk. The State Attorney’s Office said Stewart “knew of his wife’s plans several days before the crime.”
According to the Florida Times-Union, the Stewarts had been married for 20 years. Julie reportedly filed for divorce less than two months before she was killed.
Bet you didn’t see this twist ending coming. This was his wife:
WT Goat F? of the Week
Pregnant Goat Raped, Killed by Three Men in Kanhangad
A horrifying incident has come to light from Kerala where 3 men allegedly raped and killed a pregnant goat in Kanhangad. One accused has been arrested, while the other two managed to escape. Reportedly, the goat was four months pregnant and would have given birth soon.
As per the report published in the New Indian Express, the goat belonged to Elite Hotel in Kottachery. The incident came to light when the employees of the hotel heard a disturbance coming from the backyard at around 1.30 am on Wednesday, where the goats, a billy and a pregnant nanny, were kept. When they rushed out, the three men tried to escape by jumping the wall. Two managed to flee but Senthil, an employee of the hotel, was caught.
As per the report, the hotel employees found the pregnant goat, nanny, dead. On a complaint by the hotel owner, cops at Hosdurg police station arrested Senthil. The accused will be charged under the relevant section of the Prevention of Animal Cruelty Act and the unnatural offences under Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code (IPC).
That’s one hell of a way to quit your job.
WTF? of the Week
Man gets 27 years in prison for hiring woman to create torture videos for his sexual pleasure
A Vermont man has been sentenced to 27 years in prison for a brutal murder-and-kidnap-for-hire scheme in which he paid a woman in Venezuela to make snuff videos of children and adults for his sexual pleasure.
The United States Department of Justice announced the sentencing Wednesday for 38-year-old Sean Fiore.
According to court documents, Fiore paid a woman in Venezuela $600 to make a video that showed the “sadistic abuse” of a young child. After Fiore received that video, he then paid the woman $4,000 for another video, this time involving an adult victim in which Fiore demanded the victim be killed.
The DOJ said for the second video, Fiore sent the woman a 600-word script with details of exactly what he wanted the video to show, including her hitting and kicking the victim, burning him with cigarettes, urinating and defecating on him, filling his mouth with feces, wrapping his head with plastic, and smothering him to death by sitting on his face. Fiore then received a 58-minute video, in which, at the end, the adult male victim appeared to be dead.
Fiore pleaded guilty in October 2021 to conspiracy to kidnap and kill a person overseas, murder-for-hire, conspiracy to produce child pornography, and possession of child pornography. He was sentenced Wednesday to 27 years in prison.
The woman in Venezuela, identified as Moraima Escarlet Vasquez Flores, 39, of Colombia, is charged with conspiracy to murder and kidnap a person in a foreign country, conspiracy to produce child pornography, production of child pornography, and aiding and abetting the receipt of child pornography. She was arrested in Colombia in September 2020, and Colombia recently approved her extradition to the U.S.
I actually thought human life was worth less than that in socialist Venezuela.
