The biggest WTF? this week was a coked-up naked Hunter Biden playing with a loaded gun and a loaded prostitute. That obviously can’t be topped but the show must go on. Here’s some inferior WTF? to keep you going until the next insane leak from Hunter’s laptop:
Headline of the Week
Florida man bitten by alligator he mistook for a dog on a long leash
A man in Southwest Florida is recovering after he was bitten in the leg by an alligator.
The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission says the 7-foot gator bit a chunk out of a man’s leg outside of a motel late Tuesday night.
The 49-year-old victim says it was dark out and he mistook the gator for a dog on a long leash.
A witness says he ran outside and saw deputies surrounding the gator.
“And we had this sergeant, he jumped in the middle of the back of that gator, folded him up and taped him up into a ball,” said the witness.
The victim was taken to the hospital and is doing OK.
Deputies believe the gator came from a drain near the motel.
When you’re so drunk you think a 7-foot alligator is a dog on a leash.
Electrician of the Week
A man needed a piece of electrical wire pulled out of his penis after a DIY attempt to cure his urinating problems went dramatically wrong.
The 64-year-old, from Pakistan, had shoved the 18cm-long wire into his urethra but it got stuck.
He told surgeons at Karachi’s Abbasi Shaheed Hospital, who treated him, that he had inserted the object to help him urinate.
The man, who wasn’t named, told them he had suffered pain and difficulty urinating for two months prior to shoving the wire inside himself.
Writing in the journal Urology Case Reports, doctors said they could physically feel the wire inside his penis when touching it.
An X-ray revealed the wire had extended all the way up the man’s urethra to reach his bladder.
Surgeons originally planned to insert a camera into the man’s urethra to inspect the wire.
However, they could see it upon spreading his meatus — the hole that urine passes through.
Doctors then pulled out the object out by hand using forceps.
Dude, this is the wireless age. Also, “meatus” is my new favorite word.
Electronics of the Week
Firefighters find woman’s melting vibrator after call out to burning smell
A woman was left red faced when firefighters found her vibrator was behind a worrying burning smell in her flat.
The embarrassed sex toy owner pretended to have no idea what the device was when pointed out, according to the emergency services.
A fire crew responded to the report in Turnhout, Belgium where an officer admitted to experiencing a very first in his career.
When he established the burning smell was coming from an overheating vibrator, the woman then apparently replied: “Wow, what’s that?”
The fire brigade were called out to the apartment by its concerned resident, in the central Kasteelplein area of the city after she detected the odd smell.
At first, it was not immediately clear where the smell was coming from and the fire department had to use a thermal imaging camera to work out what the source of the burning smell was.
Thanks to the special camera, they were able to determine that the source of the heat and smell was coming from a cupboard in the flat.
They opened the cupboard and found that it contained a vibrator that had overheated and even partially melted.
It is currently unclear what caused the vibrator to overheat. The firefighters secured the vibrator and made it safe, bringing an end to the intervention.
Maybe it was her burning desire that did it.
Canoe of the Week
‘I’ve been sending photos of my vagina surgery to a random email address’
The young woman – who is transgender – had just had gender reassignment surgery and had been asked to send images of her new vagina to her medical team, in order to ensure that it was healing correctly.
But now her doctor had called to say that they hadn’t received any of the pictures… which was extremely odd as she’d been emailing at least “two or three” photos every day. So what had gone wrong?
In a video shared on TikTok, a red-faced woman explained exactly what had happened, beginning the embarrassing story by saying: “Girls, I’ve done something really stupid”.
She went on to clarify that she had been emailed photos of her new vagina to her doctor after surgery so they could monitor her recovery.
So she was shocked when she received a phone call from her doctor’s office asking if everything was “alright” as they hadn’t received any pictures.
“I was like, ‘I’ve been sending loads’… she checks her email, nothing,” she continued.
“It turns out I have been sending pictures of my fanny to the wrong f**king email address.
“If anyone has got them, I’m really sorry… I don’t really know what to do.”
What a c*nt.
Tool of the Week
Power tool placed near worker’s buttocks ‘unwanted sexual behaviour’
The actions of a boat yard boss who placed a live power saw behind a worker’s buttocks as a “joke” have ended up part of a sexual harassment claim.
Bradley Steenhart was awarded $3000 compensation for the incident he described as humiliating…
The incident with the power tool happened as he was bent over pulling out a prop shaft from a boat. The company’s director, Lloyd Price, placed a reciprocating sabre saw – without the blade attached – onto his buttock area and turned it on saying “you would like that wouldn’t you”.
Steenhart said it was offensive and humiliating, including that a customer and an employee had seen it. He said that Price pushed the locking attachment into him past the stopper and it contacted with his buttocks.
He was literally the butt of a joke.
Pressed Ham of the Week
Clown who offended police during protest has disorderly conduct conviction thrown out
A Perth clown who “pressed her underwear-clad posterior” against a window during an Extinction Rebellion protest has had her conviction and fine for disorderly behaviour overturned by the WA Supreme Court.
Lynda Moylan was attending the protest at an office tower in the CBD in October 2020, when two police officers watched her as she “lifted the back of her skirt and petticoats and, for a few seconds, pressed her underwear-clad posterior against the foyer window” in what was described as a “shimmying motion”, the magistrate said.
After pulling her skirt back down, Ms Moylan then gazed into the foyer, pumped her fist into the air and bowed to a security officer.
The officers considered her actions to be offensive and charged her with disorderly behaviour.
Ms Moylan was later found guilty of the offence by a magistrate and fined $200, with the police officers testifying at the hearing that they had seen “some flesh”.
Ms Moylan appealed against the conviction and sentence, and in a decision published on Wednesday, Justice Robert Mitchell ruled both should be quashed.
She’s literally an ass clown.
Bomb of the Week
Iran ridiculed after claiming it assassinated Israeli Mossad agent named ‘Fart’
Iran’s leadership has been the butt of a strange joke after claiming it killed an Israeli Mossad agent in Iraq.
The agent, it claimed, was called Asa Flots and he was assassinated during an “attack with kamikaze drone in Erbil, Northern Iraq”.
They also claimed he was a commander of the “Mossad assassination unit”.
The claim was tweeted out by account Intel Sky, which claims to be an “aircraft tracking” and image analyst account.
The tweet was accompanied by images of a crashed car, but without evidence to support who it belonged to or where it was found.
But Hebrew speaking social media users were quick to realise that something smelt a bit funny about the claim.
For the alleged Mossad agent’s name actually translated to “made a fart” – and it didn’t take long for the jokes to roll in.
Spoof Mossad account @TheMossadIL tweeted: “We would like to give our heartfelt condolences to the family of Asa Flotz.
“Like a waft in the wind, you were gone too soon. We toot our horns in your honour.
“Let’s all remember his him by saying ‘smell you later’. Asa Flotz was a brave warrior who wasn’t afraid to operate in the bowels of enemy territory.
“We were saddened when wind broke of his passing.”
And Israeli journalist Michael Starr tweeted: “Over the years, Asa Flotz gathered quite the rogues gallery — Dr. Bophades Nutz, Prof. IC Weiner, Captain Seymour Butz.
“We always knew he would go out with a bang.”
Or it could be a clever way to get around the Geneva Convention ban on nerve gas.
Asshole of the Week
UP police electrocute, insert rod in Muslim man’s rectum
The Uttar Pradesh police, Budaun district, is yet again on the receiving end of backlash after an outpost in charge, four of its constables and “two unidentified” persons have been booked for allegedly brutally torturing a young Muslim man. He was arrested under suspicion that he was involved in cow slaughtering.
The victim, a 22-year-old vegetable vendor resides in the Kakrala area, under the Alapur police station. He was picked up by the police on May 2 under the suspicion of having ties with a gangster, allegedly involved in cow slaughter, reported the Times of India.
The victim’s mother, who is inconsolable, named sub-inspector Satya Pal for her son’s condition. “The police shoved a stick inside my son’s rectum and gave him repeated electric shocks,” she alleged.
Echoing her, the victim’s sister-in-law said, “Police thrashed my brother-in-law the whole night. After realising that they had picked the wrong person, they handed him Rs 100 and sent him back after torturing him for two straight days. Since then, he has been getting seizures almost every day. On Friday (June 3) his condition deteriorated and we had to rush him to the hospital.”
Rs. 100 is $1.28 in USD, which somehow makes this theological misunderstanding even funnier.
Hit of the Week
Alleged cartel hitman for El Chapo’s sons ‘caught masturbating in public under car’
A man who claimed to be a drug cartel hitman loyal to Joaquín ‘El Chapo’ Guzmán’s sons was caught masturbating in public underneath a parked car.
The bizarre incident took place at around 4am on Monday (June 6) after police in Mexicali, Baja California, Mexico noticed the bloke touching himself beneath a grey 2015 Nissan Versa.
The car, which had California licence plates, was parked at an intersection in the Camino Viejo neighbourhood.
The supposed cartel member then threatened Mexicali municipal police officers when confronted about the public pleasuring.
Local news outlets report he told the cops he was a member of “Los Chapitos”, warning them that “they don’t know who they’re messing with”.
Unfortunately for the bloke, the police were unfazed by his attempt at grandstanding. He was quickly subdued, arrested and handcuffed.
A search of the Nissan Versa revealed the man had two firearms stashed away, an assault rifle and a handgun.
ZetaTijuana reports that the weapons are the reason he has now been presented to the Federal Public Ministry, suggesting he is facing charges beyond public masturbation.
In America, hitmen usually whack other people.
Settlement of the Week
A Missouri woman was awarded a $5.2 million settlement against her ex-boyfriend’s car insurance company after she claimed that she got a sexually transmitted disease from him after they had sex in his 2014 Hyundai Genesis.
On Tuesday, after five years of uncertainty, the Missouri Court of Appeals affirmed that GEICO General Insurance Company, must make the massive payout to the Jackson County woman, in this unprecedented case.
A three-judge panel found that the judgment entered against the insurance giant through earlier arbitration proceedings was valid, Yahoo News reported.
In May 2021, the arbitrator found that the man and woman had sex inside his vehicle that ‘directly caused, or directly contributed to cause’ the HPV infection.
The ex-boyfriend was found liable for not disclosing his infection status and the woman was awarded $5.2 million for damages and injuries to be paid by GEICO.
Los Angeles personal injury attorney Miguel Custodio, co-founder of Custodio and Dubey LLP, told DailyMail.com that the settlement was reasonable.
‘If you think about it as an injury sustained while in that person’s vehicle, then it totally falls within what an insurance company would be required to pay,’ he said.
That’s a lot of f*cking money.
Rover of the Week
Merrimack County Sheriff Accuses Andover Man Of Bestiality
A man from Andover is expected in Franklin District Court later this month after being accused of having sex with animals.
Robert F. Ofenloch, 33, of Andover was arrested by the Merrimack County Sheriff’s Department on Wednesday on two bestiality charges, both misdemeanors.
Sheriff David Croft said his department gathered evidence in the case showing Ofenloch “allegedly engaging in sexual contact and sexual penetration with animals for the purpose of sexual gratification.” Investigators gathered video evidence of the incidents as well as other information from Ofenloch’s Rover.com profile.
Rover.com is a dog sitting and walking website where customers can book “trusted” people to board, sit, or walk their pets.
He posted pics of himself banging his dog and didn’t get any dog sitting gigs?
Iron Man of the Week
Worker melted in half after falling into vat of molten iron
A 39-year-old worker died after falling into a molten iron vat of 2,600 degrees Fahrenheit molten – leaving half of his body lying on the floor.
Steven Dierkes, of Peoria, Illinois, died instantly after he was presumably working alongside a crucible when he fell in, according to Peoria County Coroner Jamie Harwood.
Harwood said the Thursday incident – which took place at the Caterpillar Mapleton Foundry – was accidental and no foul play is suspected, the Peoria Journal Star reports.
A veteran Caterpillar worker, who wishes to remain anonymous, told the World Socialist Web Site (WSWS), that Dierkes “was taking a sample of iron for the met lab and apparently just tripped.”
The unidentified worker explained: “He died instantly, but not all of him went in. Part of his body remained on the deck for the coroner to retrieve.
The worker, called Ron to protect his identity claims “the death occurred on one of the large melters in the main foundry melting area.”
Another employee claimed on social media that Dierkes had “only been there for five days” and didn’t have “sufficient training” to be on the iron floor, according to WSWS.
Call me an optimist, but I like to think of him as half unmolten.
BS of the Week
Cow arrested and could face years in jail for brutal ‘murder’ of boy, 12
In one of the strangest police statements ever made, South Sudanese authorities have confirmed they have arrested a cow for the murder of a 12-year-old boy.
Police have confirmed that they have detained the lactating thug along with its owner after the animal allegedly attacked the child near a farm in the Lakes State.
It’s been reported that the ferocity of the attack from the bull was such that the child was killed instantly.
Major Elijah Mabor, a South Sudanese police spokesman has since confirmed that the beast is “under arrest”.
He said: “The bull is now under arrest at a police station in Rumbek Central County.
“The boy was taken to hospital for post-mortem and he was taken home for burial.”
We need justice reform. Black Angus Lives Matter.
WTF? of the Week
Deshaun Watson accused of ejaculating on massage therapist in 24th civil suit
A 24th massage therapist has sued Deshaun Watson for sexual misconduct, and the details of the suit are lurid.
This alleged incident, in which Watson is accused of masturbating and non-consensually ejaculating on a woman who was giving him a massage, occurred at the woman’s apartment in August of 2020.
“At the beginning of the session, Watson did not want to use the draping that is typically used in a massage,” the suit states. “Instead, he requested a small towel. Watson also insisted on starting the massage with him lying face up.
“Watson reminded Plaintiff he only wanted her to focus on his upper body and abdomen. He then demanded that she work on his inner thighs and quadriceps. During the massage, Watson’s tone became aggressive as he repeatedly demanded that she go higher and higher into his inner thighs, causing her hand to reach his scrotum.”
“As Plaintiff attempted to focus on getting the masage completed, at some point, Watson got an erection, causing his towel to fall off. By this point, Watson, was now completely naked and exposed. Watson then started to masturbate.
“Plaintiff immediately stopped the massage. Apparently responding to look of shock on Plaintiff’s face, Watson said to Plaintiff, ‘Relax. It is okay to touch it.’”
“Watson then stood up and continued masturbating more aggressively,” the suit claims. “As he did so, Watson asked the Plaintiff, ‘Where do you want me to put it?’ Plaintiff by this point was in complete shock and could not speak. She froze. Watson quickly ejaculated; some of his ejaculate got on Plaintiff’s chest and face.”
The woman quit massage therapy soon after the alleged incident.
Not only does he have a quick release, he’s got distance and accuracy.
