This week Joe Biden rekindled his bromance with the Invisible Man. Here’s some other WTF? that’s also funny and scary at the same time:
Headline of the Week
Hulk missed team’s flight home after taking four hours to urinate
Flamengo ran out 2-0 winners, beating Atletico Mineiro 3-2 on aggregate in their Copa do Brasil round of 16 tie.
Hulk played the 90 minutes but was unable to help his side qualify for the quarter-finals with Atletico Mineiro failing to have a single shot on target during the match.
But the 35-year-old striker worked hard during the game.
So much so that he lost six kilos during the game due to dehydration.
What you don’t want when you’ve lost a match is to be called into the anti-doping control room.
This is a regular check that happens after professional matches, requiring the player to give a urine sample to test for banned substances.
However, that’s easy said than done when you’re so dehydrated.
And due to Hulk’s exhaustion, it took FOUR HOURS to give a sample!
“I fell into the anti-doping test. I was there for four hours, I drank 30 litres of water. But it was hard for me to urinate. In the end, it worked and now I just want to get home.”
But Hulk’s night got even worse.
Of course, his Atletico Mineiro squad weren’t going to wait around for four hours after being knocked out of the competition so left to catch their plane without him.
It left Hulk having to get a private jet back to Belo Horizonte.
In related news, Iron Man took a 6-hour shit.
Web-Slinger of the Week
Florida man dressed as Spider-Man robs woman, reports say
A Florida man dressed in a Spider-Man costume was accused of striking a woman in the back of the head Monday and stealing her cash, according to reports.
Lequan Payne, 36, was dressed head to toe as the web-slinger when authorities said he robbed a woman near the intersection of Federal Highway and Dixianna Street Monday evening, a report from WSVN said.
The victim was at a laundromat when she noticed Payne wearing the Spider-Man costume, bright yellow shorts, and sneakers while riding his bicycle, NBC’s WTVJ reported.
The woman, who reportedly liked Payne’s costume, approached the man and asked for a picture of him. As the woman left the laundromat sometime later, she was unexpectedly struck in the back of the head, the report added.
After the woman fell to the ground, authorities said Payne grabbed $45 in cash that fell from the woman’s pocket.
According to WPLG, Payne was arrested Monday shortly before 11 p.m. near the intersection of South Federal Highway and Madison Street.
Officers said Payne was in possession of $46 in cash. He was charged with robbery (no firearm or weapon) and resisting an officer without violence.
In related news, Spiderman was butt-raped in jail by The Green Goblin.
Dic-Doc of the Week
Doctor filmed putting penis in woman’s mouth during C-Section
More alarming details about a Brazilian Doctor, Giovanni Quintella Bezerra who raped a pregnant woman during a C-Section have unfolded, The Daily Mail reports.
The Doctor was arrested following an incident in which he was caught on tape orally raping a heavily sedated woman.
The incident occurred at the Hospital da Mulher in São João de Meriti located in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.
According to the woman’s husband, he was instructed to leave the room before being able to lay eyes on his newborn child.
He only found out what happened to his wife during a newscast detailing the physician’s arrest.
The woman told her family that she thought she was hallucinating during the attack.
After concerns around the amount of drugs that the doctor was giving his patients, hospital staff grew suspicious and secretly placed a camera in the room to get a closer look at what was occurring in the operating room.
The video showed the physician sexually assaulting the woman for nearly 10 minutes as other doctors performed a C-section on her less than a yard away.
Because this particular patient was the third procedure he performed that day, staff members believe the 32-year-old doctor may have done the same thing to other women.
Employees revealed that the doctor “wore an open cloak on himself, widening his silhouette, and positioned himself in a way that also prevented anyone from seeing the patient from the neck up,” during his second procedure of the day.
According to reports, women are not typically fully sedated during a C-section, however, all women who went under the knife that day admitted to being fully unconscious during the procedure.
“The only thing I remember from the surgery is his voice,” one patient confirmed. “He kept talking softly in my ear, it bothered me.”
That probably wasn’t his voice in her ear.
Bottle Service of the Week
Pennsylvania clubs close after video surfaced showing woman inserting bottle in genitals
Two Pennsylvania clubs have closed after a video surfaced online showing a woman inserting a bottle into her genitals.
The club’s Foxtail and Skybar in Pittsburgh released a statement on Tuesday that they are closed until further notice.
‘The safety and health of our guests and staff is our number one priority. After careful consideration, the owners of Foxtail/Skybar have decided to pause operations at the venue until further notice. The climate for operating a nighttime economy business in the South Side has regressed to the point of being unstable and has led to a customer base that is problematic. We will continue to support Mayor Gainey and the Public Safety Department’s South Side Safety Initiative Plan. We look forward to rejoining the community once a solution to the issues plaguing our neighborhood has been successfully implemented.’
A county judge told news outlets that its time to shut down nuisance bars and the video of the woman went viral and embarrassed the city.
The alleged video shows a woman partially nude on the club floor with people cheering on as a bottle went inside her genitals.
It sounds like she not only has a drinking problem but also a dancing problem.
Period Piece of the Week
Penniless girls on periods forced to use cow poo and newspapers to stop blood leaking
Women in Zimbabwe have confessed to using newspapers and cow poo to stop blood from leaking when they’re on their periods.
Inflation has made feminine hygiene products unaffordable for many, who now have to get creative when mother nature pays a visit.
Some women, like 19-year-old Constance Dimingo, haven’t used a period pad in months.
“I last wore a pad before my mother died last year,” she said.
“Now, I have to use anything I can find, cow dung, leaves, newspapers and clothes, to stop the blood from leaking,” she continued. “I wish my mother was still alive to buy me pads and medication for my menstrual pain.”
Constance isn’t alone – nearly three-quarters of girls in her rural town of Domboshava don’t have access to sanitary products, according to a study.
Constance, her epileptic sister and three other girls are completely reliant on their visually impaired grandmother, Vhene Gumedhe, to manage their menstrual hygiene – which she does by moulding cow dung into pattie shapes to absorb the blood.
Is this why black guys don’t like eating pussy?
Clue of the Week
An Iranian man needed a seven-and-half inch (19cm) water bottle yanked out of his anus.
The constipated 50-year-old, who wasn’t named, was so scared of his wife’s reaction he delayed seeking help for three days.
She had taken him to hospital because she was concerned about his lack of eating, abdominal pain and inability to go to the toilet.
But the man didn’t tell doctors that it was because he had a 250ml bottle inside him. It was only spotted when he was sent for a CT scan.
Writing in the journal Clinical Case Reports, they said he didn’t want to reveal he had inserted the object inside himself due to ’embarrassment and fear of his wife’.
He had pushed the bottom of the bottle in first, so he would be able to pull it out by gripping the top.
But he was unable to extract the item, leaving the plastic bottle lodged deep inside his large intestine.
Medics at the Imam Khomeini Hospital in Sari did not say if the man explained why he had shoved the bottle inside him.
Although, they noted sexual gratification was usually behind such insertions.
The man, who had a history of depression, was immediately rushed for surgery and given anaesthesia to knock him out and relax his sphincter.
Surgeons then ‘carefully and slowly’ dragged the bottle back out of his anus. There was no rupture or bleeding.
Joe Biden wants to pay these assholes to develop nukes.
Ladies Man of the Week
Man refused to let woman leave feces-covered apartment
Las Vegas man is accused of refusing to let a woman leave a feces-covered apartment for three days, police said.
Mycah Moore, 19, faces charges of arson, battery and kidnapping, records showed Saturday.
Officers said they were sent Wednesday to an apartment near Vegas Valley Drive and Maryland Parkway for a report of a fire.
A witness said Moore had refused to let her leave the apartment and that she had been unable to leave for three days, police reported.
The witness also told police Moore had lit some clothes on fire, police said.
When officers entered the apartment, they noticed “several broken doors, windows [and] plates” and said, “the place was covered In human feces.”
Shittiest Tinder date ever.
Brawl of the Week
Woman Defecates on Herself During Brawl in Store!
Customers at a big clothing retail store in the UK got quite a show when two women started brawling and one literally had the crap knocked out of her! In a video that has been going viral on Twitter (it is below and it is pretty NSFW) two woman can be seen fighting inside of a Primark store.
birmingham primark fight pic.twitter.com/y3tRkrwC5j
— ara (@heluvara) July 9, 2022
One of the woman tackles the other to the ground. That’s when the person who is recording the altercation pans around the two women on the ground revealing one of them was NOT wearing any underwear…and pooped herself.
It’s unknown what sparked the altercation between the two women. The store has issued a statement acknowledging the incident and that it was handled by management and security. No police report was filed.
She literally got the shit beat out of her.
Family Affair of the Week
Ricky Martin denies ‘disgusting’ bombshell ‘incest’ sex crime accusations
Ricky Martin is denying bombshell domestic violence allegations reportedly filed by his 21-year-old nephew.
It was revealed two weeks ago that a judge in Puerto Rico has issued a “domestic violence-related” restraining order against the Latin pop icon.
The alleged victim’s name was not previously disclosed. However, according to Spanish publication Marca, Martin’s brother, Eric Martin, claimed that the victim is 21-year-old Dennis Yadiel Sanchez — the singer’s nephew.
Under Puerto Rico’s laws for “incest charges,” the sentence Martin, 50, could face is five decades in prison if the shocking claims are true. The publication reported the complaint was made anonymously under Law 54, known as the Domestic Abuse Prevention and Intervention Act.
El Vocero, a Puerto Rico newspaper, reported that the order states Martin and the person who filed the complaint dated for seven months. The alleged victim claimed that Martin didn’t take their break up well and has loitered near the petitioner’s home at least three times, according to the report.
When reached by The Post on Friday, Martin’s attorney Marty Singer said, “Unfortunately, the person who made this claim is struggling with deep mental health challenges. Ricky Martin has, of course, never been — and would never be — involved in any kind of sexual or romantic relationship with his nephew.”
That really is Living La Vida Loca.
Drinker of the Week
Man dead after downing entire Jagermeister bottle in two minutes: cops
A South African man died Tuesday after he allegedly drank an entire bottle of Jagermeister in two minutes as part of a drinking challenge, police said.
The man, whose identity has not been released, had been competing against other customers at a liquor store in the Mashamba village to down the bottle of liquor to win about $12, South African news outlet Sowetan Live reported.
“One of them immediately collapsed thereafter and was taken to the local clinic, where he was certified dead,” Waterval police spokesperson Brig Motlafela Mojapelo told reporters.
Footage of the man guzzling the bottle in the deadly drinking competition was posted to Twitter, where it had racked up nearly 9,000 views as of Wednesday morning.
In the clip, he was crowded around by other patrons encouraging him to finish the alcohol.
“Worst part of it all… is that, this isn’t funny at all… it was a game that turned out all wrong from all directions,” commented one user.
C’mon, it’s a little bit funny.
Smoker of the Week
Residents evacuated as marijuana cloud covers town after cops burn 1.6 tonnes of drug
Bungling police trying to burn 1.6 tonnes of seized drug have forced residents to evacuate their homes after the air was filled with “tremendous smell of marijuana”.
The authorities in Bello, suburb area of Medellín in Colombia, left the locals confused with actual fire when they noticed the city being engulfed by a huge cloud on Tuesday (July 12).
Video shared on social media shows the sky filled with a thick layer of “cloud” just above the woods before it slowly shifts towards a building.
A woman said in the background: “No wonder that smell of marijuana is so strong…and me blaming the neighbours.”
Resident Edilberto Castaño told Caracol TV: “We felt a very horrible smoke coming out of the battalion, a tremendous smell of marijuana that stopped everyone.”
Some locals confused it with bush fire but the Mayor’s Office swiftly clarified that the rising vapour was “not a fire”.
One viewer said: “Several apartment towers had to be evacuated because of this little joke.”
The clip was confirmed by the Antioquia department of the municipality, which local media reported several residents ended up “getting stoned” due to an intense smoke caused by the incineration of marijuana in a drug seize operation.
On the plus side, the local Taco Bell had it’s best day ever.
Feeder of the Week
An Oklahoma man allegedly killed his friend over the weekend because he thought that the victim had summoned Bigfoot to kill him while they were fishing, according to the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation and local media reports.
Larry Doil Sanders, 53, was arrested and charged with first-degree murder.
He had gone noodling, or fishing with bare hands, on Saturday at the South Canadian River with his friend, Jimmy Knighten.
A confrontation ensued and Sanders told authorities he struck and strangled Knighten, whose body was found the next day in the river, according to the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation.
A special agent for the state law enforcement agency wrote that Sanders told him he discovered at the river that Knighten “intended to feed him to sasquatch/Bigfoot,” according to an affidavit obtained by The Oklahoman.
“LARRY advised he believed JIMMY was trying to get away from him so that the sasquatch could eat LARRY,” the agent reportedly wrote in the report.
“LARRY would not let JIMMY get away. LARRY punched JIMMY and struck JIMMY with a stick. LARRY and JIMMY fought for an extended amount of time on the ground.”
The old “I thought he was going to feed me to Bigfoot” defense has never failed in court.
Annoyance of the Week
Face-tatted Florida man fatally shot roommate with pellet gun because he ‘annoyed’ him: police
A face-tatted Florida man has been arrested for fatally shooting his roommate with a pellet gun in May because he was “annoying” him, officials said.
Jesse Hill, 42, had locked the victim, Ernie Wilburn, 44, out of their shared house and he began yelling to be let in, according to the Lake County Sheriff’s Office.
Hill, who was inside the home with his girlfriend, grabbed a pellet gun and let off a round through a window toward Wilburn, striking him in the chest, Fox 35 reported.
ops later responded to the home after receiving “cryptic” 911 calls from the residence and found Wilburn dead on the floor, covered with a sheet and large furniture pillows.
Deputies also found a Ruger .22 caliber air rifle on the side of the house in some bushes, according to the report
An autopsy later found that the pellet round had punctured Wilburn’s lung and killed him.
The suspect bolted the scene to avoid capture and later told friends while in hiding that he didn’t think the fatal blast could kill his roommate.
Hill’s girlfriend told investigators that Hill shot Wilburn through a bedroom window because he was “annoyed” by his insistence on being let in.
Deputies eventually caught up with Hill this past Friday and slapped him with a manslaughter rap.
Can I have an official Red Ryder, carbine action, 200-shot, range model air rifle, with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time? No kid, you’ll shoot your lung out.
WTF? of the Week
Fearsome cannibal tribe ate enemies’ heads to use their skulls as pillows
A remote tribe in an unexplored area of dense jungle in New Guinea strike developed a reputation for hunting their enemies and ritually eating them.
Warriors of the fearsome Asmat tribe were said to display their virility and tribal loyalty by killing an enemy and then feasting on their heads.
As you might expect, a lot of preparation goes into consuming a human head.
To prepare the head for consumption, Asmat men would scrape off the skin leaving a fleshy skull which is then roasted in an oven.
The grisly ritual acted as a show of dominance and terrified other tribes, the community also believes the human head is a sacred object and likened it to the fruit of a tree, according to Pulse Nigeria.
The decapitated body part was also used during coming of age ceremonies, where it would be placed between the thighs of a boy as it was thought the dead man’s power could be passed on.
Once modified and decorated in line with tradition, the skulls became ormanents and would take pride of place in the Asmat long homes.
They would also place the skulls under their heads like pillows or split them in half and use as a bowl for their regular diet of animal brains and sago worms.
And liberals gave the “My Pillow” guy shit for supporting Trump.
