This week Joe Biden announced he had cancer and COVID-19. Here’s some other WTF? that may or may not be true and could be the result of dementia:
Headline of the Week
Man who ‘hasn’t stopped farting for five years’ sues food stall for £200k over ham roll
A dad is suing a food stall for £200,000 as he claims he hasn’t stopped farting since heating a ham sandwich five years ago.
Tyrone Prades, 46, bought the sandwich in December 2017 during a visit to the Birmingham Christmas market with his wife and kids.
His lawyers told the High Court that he suffered stomach cramps, fever, vomiting and diarrhoea within hours eating it.
He claims to have been bedridden for five weeks with salmonella.
The lawyers added that Prades has had regular and uncontrollable flatulence ever since, embarrassing him in public and waking him up at night.
His lawyer, Robert Parkin, told the court that Prades’ stomach continued to make awkward rumbling noises after the illness subsided.
Parkin said: “The claimant continues to suffer from excessive flatulence, which causes him a great deal of embarrassment.
“The symptoms are, primarily, fatigue and altered bowel function associated with ‘churning’ within his abdomen and flatulence.
“The claimant’s stomach continues to make frequent churning noises to the extent his sleep can become disrupted.
He’s gonna have to rip one on the stand to win this case.
Nut of the Week
Man shot to the testicles in Hattieville double shooting this morning
А mаn іѕ ѕеrіоuѕlу іnјurеd аftеr hе wаѕ ѕhоt tо thе tеѕtісlеѕ thіѕ mоrnіng іn а dоublе ѕhооtіng іn Наttіеvіllе thаt аlѕо lеft а wоmаn іnјurеd.
Rероrtѕ аrе thаt аrоund 5:15 а.m. Наttіvіllе роlісе vіѕіtеd thе Ваіnѕvіllе аrеа whеrе thеу fоund 22-уеаr-оld Rаѕhееd Маѕkаll аnd 23-уеаr-оld Lаtіfа Fеrguѕоn wіth gunѕhоt wоundѕ.
Маѕkаll wаѕ rероrtеdlу ѕhоt thе tеѕtісlеѕ, whіlе Fеrguѕоn rесеіvеd а ѕhоt tо thе lеft bіg tое.
Іnvеѕtіgаtіоnѕ rеvеаlеd thаt thе twо wеrе іn bеd ѕlееріng whеn thеу hеаrd gunѕhоtѕ fіrіng, аnd thеn rеаlіzеd thеу hаd bееn ѕhоt.
Тhеу wеrе tаkеn vіа рrіvаtе vеhісlе tо thе Каrl Неuѕnеr Меmоrіаl Ноѕріtаl fоr trеаtmеnt.
Worst murder/suicide attempt ever.
Boob of the Week
Transgender man finally marries wife after fundraiser helps him remove 42GG breasts
A transgender man has revealed how he told his partner he was trans – just months after they got engaged.
Now the happy couple has finally walked down the aisle after husband River-Jay Waterson, 29, had his 42GG breasts removed.
River-Jay, 29, of Newcastle. proposed to his girlfriend, Kelly Waterson, 37, on April Fool’s Day 2016.
But the couple were forced to put the wedding on hold as River didn’t want to tie the knot while living as a woman in a lesbian relationship.
Now they have finally walked down the aisle after Kelly helped raise the cash for the breast removal surgery through a series of online challenges.
After three months of fundraising – including River shaving off hair and eyebrows as well as downing raw eggs on camera – the couple had raised over 2k for the procedure.
In June 2021, River finally had the procedure in Wroclaw, Poland, after forking out £2,820.
Then he was finally able to marry the ‘love of his life’ Kelly in an intimate family ceremony near their home on 11th December 2021.
River is now desperately trying to secure a gender dysphoria diagnosis from the NHS – so he can carry on transitioning – as, without it, he is unable to get bottom surgery even if he goes private
Best April Fool’s Day joke ever.
Vice of the Week
Woman’s strict religious upbringing left her vagina ‘too tight to have sex’
A woman’s religious upbringing left her vagina “too tight to have sex”, and she’s determined to help others with the same condition.
Bailey Krawczyk, 22, who is a videographer from Virginia, US, said she has felt different to other girls since she was 13-years-old.
During the time, her and her friends started to go through puberty, she noticed she was the only one who wasn’t able to use tampons.
Bailey simply thought it was down to the fact that her body was still growing, but she was still unable to use them at the age of 21.
This was because trying to insert them simply left her in too much pain, and in 2020 she was diagnosed with vaginismus
Vaginismus essentially makes the vaginal muscles tighten up when confronted with penetration, which can lead to extreme pain during sex or when inserting tampons.
As she began the journey to work through her vaginismus, she was shocked to realise that her devout Christian upbringing, combined with common myths about sex for women, had led to her development of the condition.
Bailey was raised in a very religious family, which led her to associating sex with sin from a young age.
It’s thought this led to an unconscious fear of penetration.
She also has clear memories of being told “you’ll bleed the first time you have sex” and to “have a glass of wine before your first time”, which added to her worries.
“I developed it from toxic purity culture – I grew up in a strict religious environment, where I associated sex with sin and pain.
Or maybe she’s just an uptight c*nt.
Stash of the Week
ROME WOMAN FOUND WITH DRUGS IN HER VAGINA
Helen Elizabeth Diane Lee, 28 of Rome, was arrested this week when reports said she was found with drugs in her vagina after taking drugs to her probation office.
Reports said that while at the probation office, Lee was found with a rolled marijuana cigarette.
After being taken into custody and transported to the Floyd County Jail, officers found additional marijuana inside her.
Lee is charged with possession of methamphetamine, possession of marijuana, crossing the guard line with drugs and probation violation.
When in Rome, put drugs in your vag for a meeting with your probation officer.
Smother of the Week
I’m terrified my saggy boobs will suffocate me in my sleep
A young British mom with “unbelievably saggy” boobs says they threaten her life.
Holly Shortland stands just 4-feet-9 with size-H boobs that are so heavy her partner has to pick them up and physically move them to keep them from strangling her while she sleeps.
The 18-year-old, who lives in Taunton, Somerset, says her breasts have been causing her back, rib and hip pain and have been giving her rashes since she was 14 — when she was already a G cup.
“It’s awful on my back and shoulders because they’re so heavy and droopy. I get hip pain and pains on my ribs really bad,” she said.
Shortland said she has been woken up in the middle of the night by her boobs “suffocating her.”
“I can’t breathe in my sleep, that’s the breaking point. I can’t do it anymore. They suffocate me. They wake me up every couple of hours,” she said.
She explained they press down on her throat and her partner, Ryan, 21, has to lift them, roll her over and place them back down next to her.
“Ryan helps me out a lot with them, but as a man, he’ll never really understand the struggle,” she said.
Duct tape ’em down. Duct tape fixes everything.
Ass of the Week
Woman stabbed in buttocks seeks treatment at hospital in Leesburg
A woman stabbed in the buttocks in an apparent dispute over money sought treatment for the wound at UF Health-Leesburg Hospital.
The woman, who was interviewed Friday night at the hospital by Fruitland Park police, said she was stabbed by 33-year-old Desiree Deborah Martin who lives at 213 W. Mirror Lake in Fruitland Park.
The woman said she had gone to Martin’s residence to pick up money from Martin’s boyfriend, according to an arrest report. The woman was sitting in a car and counting the money when Martin started “running her mouth.” The woman and her driver started to leave, but Martin continued yelling at her. The woman got out of the car “expecting” to fight Martin. When Martin pulled out a pocket knife, the woman turned around to get back into her vehicle. That’s when Martin stabbed her with the pocket knife.
When Martin was interviewed, she claimed she was “defending” herself.
She was arrested on a charge of aggravated battery with a deadly weapon. She was booked at the Lake County Jail and released after posting $2,000 bond.
The charges would have been much less if she tried to stab Lee Zeldin.
Squirt of the Week
BRAWL BREAKS IN JAIL AFTER INMATE SPRAYS OTHERS WITH FECES, URINE
Four inmates were charged with aggravated assault following a physical altercation in the Coffee County Jail last month. According to copies of the arrest warrants, the fight broke out after a man incarcerated in the Coffee County Jail allegedly sprayed his urine and feces on multiple inmates.
According to a copy of a Coffee County Sheriff’s Office report, on June 23, a CCSO detective was advised of an incident in cell B-5 of the jail. The detective reported reviewing security cameras, which showed several inmates committing an aggravated assault around 1:10 p.m. that day.
Copies of the warrants for the men charged accuse 57-year-old Anthony Tyrone Hudson of “placing fermented feces and urine inside a squirt bottle and ejecting the contents” on five inmates, including Michael Arnold Jr., Michael Joe Stone II, Tiwon Thomas, Johnny Marshall, and Quanterris Brockington.
As a result, Arnold and Thomas, along with inmate Ashton Zane Hamilton, allegedly physically attacked Hudson with a long handle dustpan, a mop handle, and a broomstick.
Shit riot.
Turd of the Week
Michigan businesses in uproar after city decriminalizes public urination, defecation
Kalamazoo, Mich., business owners are furious after city leaders voted to decriminalize public urination, defecation and littering, among other offenses, all under the guise of “equitable changes.”
Becky Bil and Cherri Emery spoke with “Fox & Friends First” host Todd Piro on Thursday, relaying their concerns about the devastating impacts that could result.
“I don’t have a horrible time outside my shop particularly … but my neighbor has had human feces outside his door,” Bil said. The Pop City Popcorn co-owner also stressed her neighboring store owner’s struggle with an increase in littering, a struggle she says continues despite ambassadors coming to the area to help clean up.
Emery, who owns a chocolate and coffee shop in Kalamazoo, said she witnessed the consequences of lenient city leaders firsthand.
“One day, we kept smelling something in the back of the store … and it was human feces,” she said.
“I called my landlord and nobody would do anything about it. This is before we had ambassadors … so I had to clean it up myself.”
Emery described some hardships her employees have faced on their way to and from work
“It’s not just the urination part of it. The part of it that’s really upsetting to us is people approaching other people, people following some of their employees to their cars and asking them for money, and when they get to the car, and they’re still not giving them money, we had one guy that started throwing rocks at their cars,” she said.
Shit governance.
Astroglide of the Week
Astronauts should not masturbate in zero gravity, NASA scientist says
Astronauts have been warned against masturbating in space over fears female astronauts could get impregnated by stray fluids.
There are strict guidelines over “alone-time” onboard in zero gravity. Scientists have warned even the slightest rouge droplet could cause chaos on board.
Conan O’Brien waded into the uncomfortable topic while interviewing a NASA engineer, asking him if he had ever sent porn to the International Space Station.
“No, none of that,” the scientist, Smythe, said.
“Does porn work in zero gravity? It goes everywhere,” Conan probed.
“Three female astronauts can be impregnated by the same man on the same session … it finds its way,” the scientist continued.
Sex and masturbation in space is a logistical nightmare, with problems ranging from floating fluids to shrinking manhoods, according to astronomer Dr. John Millis.
He compared sex in space to having intercourse while “skydiving”, but added that it was “not impossible”.
Do it outside the space station and send a load hurtling towards Uranus.
Drunk of the Week
Buddhist monk busted drunk-driving, tells cops ‘whiskey prevents COVID-19
A Thai monk busted for drunken driving devised an incredible excuse for being inebriated at the wheel: He claimed that whiskey wards off COVID-19.
“He was drunk but told officers the whiskey prevented him from catching COVID-19,” Police Lt. Col. Peerapong Raksi told Viral Press of the incident, which occurred Wednesday in Loei province, northern Thailand.
The alcoholic escapade began after Buddhist monk Phra Thanakorn, 63, was observed stumbling around a market asking locals for money. Afterward, he got into his pickup truck.
Monks are reportedly forbidden from touching liquor, according to local laws.
Alarmed by the holy man’s alleged intoxicated state, locals reported the alleged boozy Buddhist’s behavior to the police.
“The residents told us that a monk was causing mayhem in the market, so we sent some officers to check,” said Peerapong. Accompanying footage shows authorities surrounding the visibly intoxicated religious man, who’s in his vehicle, before ushering the barefoot boozer out of the car and taking him into custody.
There, the drunken master reportedly admitted to being overtaken by the “holy spirit.”
” ‘I took a slice of lime with the whiskey, but I had to drive because our driver had an accident,’ ” explained the drunken monk, who reportedly struggled to speak or walk, Thailand Postsen reported. A subsequent breathalyzer test confirmed that Thanakorn was under the influence of alcohol
While the drunk monk was subsequently discharged, Peerapong contacted the abbot at the Mabinthabat Temple — where Thanakorn worked — to provide details of the fiasco, Viral Press reported.
They have since proposed that Thanakorn be disrobed and excommunicated from the monkshood for violating anti-drinking laws.
Drunk as a skunk monk is sunk.
Stinky Pinky of the Week
Ouch! TikTok video shows lemon shark biting down on Florida man’s pinky
A Florida man learned the hard way that even smaller sharks use their teeth to bite down on things … like his pinky finger.
The TikTok video, also posted on Facebook, showed the moment Brett Reeder reached down from a boat to grab a shark off the Florida Keys.
All of a sudden, the marine predator chomped down on the boater’s pinky and refused to let go.
Several agonizing seconds went by as Reeder attempted to free himself from the shark’s clenched, bloodied jaws.
[Expletive]! Oh, my God,” said Reeder.
The disturbing turn of events followed what was supposed to be a fun family day out on the water for the Parish, Florida resident and his loved ones.
“We were shark fishing out by Content Keys, north of Summerland Key, and we hooked about a 5- to 6-foot lemon shark,” said Reeder.
Reeder said they were catching all kinds of fish when they hooked a shark in the gill area and wanted to get the hook back out.
“And I perilously tried to unhook it,” he said.
But when he reached out to the shark, things took a sharp, nasty turn, as the shark bit down on Reeder’s left pinky.
“He got the left side of my hand and got my pinky and started twisting it,” he said. “Luckily, he let go.”
The shark swam away moments later, leaving Reeder in dire need of medical attention
Reeder said he learned a tough lesson. Next time, he’ll just let the shark go.
“This was just a provoked bite,” said Mandy Reeder, the victim’s wife.
“Yeah, my fault. I put myself in that position,” said Reeder.
So what happened to Reeder’s left pinky? In a TikTok video posted Friday, the family confirmed he did not lose the finger.
There is a downside to hillbilly hand-fishing.
Curly Fries of the Week
Bloke convinced he’s found Bigfoot’s hair but people say it’s just ‘pubes in a jar’
Fans of Bigfoot have been debating whether they’re being ripped off by a company that claims to be selling the monster’s hair – with some claiming it’s just pubes.
The famously elusive sasquatch has never been captured or even recorded on camera, so the prospect of a company having ready access to its hair seems farfetched.
But that hasn’t stopped vials of the hair being sold on the internet, driving some Bigfoot fanatics to despair.
On the popular Bigfoot Reddit page where hunters and aficionados share stories, one sasquatch lover asked if anyone had come across the products.
They said: “I’ve seen these things in a lot of museum gift shops. Does anyone know what kind of hair it really is?
“I ain’t buying this if it’s just someone’s pubes in a bottle you know lol.”
Unfortunately, that’s exactly what people said they were.
One said: “If I had to guess, they are probably selling you pubes in a jar.”
Another proffered a different option which definitely expands the mythology of mankind’s relationship with the beast.
“It’s Bigfoot’s pubes!”, they claimed.
You saw what happened to the guy with the shark. Imagine trying to extract Bigfoot pubes.
WTF? of the Week
Stranger hiding in couple’s home planned to cut off their hands and perform sex surgery
Imagine finding out a stranger had been lurking in your home, watching you for days, weeks or even months as you went about your business.
It’s reportedly what happened to unsuspecting couple James and Brittany Campbell at their Honululu home.
And after coming face-to-face with the intruder, they found evidence to suggest the sick creep had been planning to pull them from their bed, perform sexual surgery on them and transplant their hands.
“He wanted to play doctor on us – and not in the cute little kid way,” Brittany said.
The first the newlyweds knew of the terror unfolding in their home was on their return from a holiday in September 2019. They found their garage had been turned upside down and when they went to open the front door, were met with resistance.
“It opens a crack and we can see a person inside our house,” said Brittany.
Wearing James’ clothes, Ezequiel Zayas tried to stop them getting in, they said.
At first the couple thought he was a homeless drug addict who had squatted in their home while they were away.
But after his arrest and a subsequent search of the house, the true horror of his alleged intentions became clear.
Their old laptop had been used to record disturbing diary entries about the family, revealing Zayas had been there for much longer than they had initially thought.
And the real-life parasite had allegedly been hatching a gruesome plan to carry out surgery on them, to turn them into a species he called “omnivores”.
The couple said knives had been laid out next to the computer, along with a typed out ‘manifesto’ of plans for the Campbells, such as ‘sexual reconstruction’ and a ‘hand transplant’.
He said: “There’s not even a single part of me that would have thought, ‘Hey, there’s a guy maybe in our attic writing a medical manifesto who wants to transform my family to a species that he called omnivores.
“Who would think that?”
After reading this, that’s all I can think about.
