Elizabeth Warren spent most of her life pretending to be an Indian but it turns out she should have been pretending to be a man: she’d be the president right now. According to the insipid Massachusetts Senator, it was her lack of a penis that caused her to lose the 2020 democratic primaries.
Elizabeth Warren was at one point considered a front runner in the democratic primaries but by the time democrats actually voted, nobody seemed all that interested in her. She only got 57 delegates, won zero states, and finished 3rd in her home state of Massachusetts. She dropped out in early March 2020, leaving the party a battle between 2 ancient white men:Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders.
As luck would have it, Warren has a great excuse for her poor showing in the primaries. Politico published an excerpt from a book by NBC correspondent Ali Vitali about how unfair politics is to women. This fun little tidbit comes from right after Warren got her ass kicked in the Iowa caucuses:
We’d talked about the dynamics of Iowa, her competitors and the pressure she put on herself not “to screw this up.” But here and now she offered her plainest view of the landscape yet: “Everyone comes up to me and says, ‘I would vote for you, if you had a penis.’”
If I’m reading this correctly, Elizabeth Warren is saying that democratic party voters are sexist. I guess I can believe that but what explains Hillary Clinton, who was the democratic party nominee in 2016? If democrats will only vote for a candidate with a penis, how did Hillary become the nominee? Now that I think about it, maybe Warren is also trying to say that Hillary Clinton has a penis. She probably took it from Bill.
I would also like to point out that this never happened. Not a single person ever approached Elizabeth Warren and said they would have voted for her if only she had a penis. It never happened once, let alone all the time as she indicates.
Even so, just for fun, let’s pretend this lie is true. Let’s also say it happened 100 times, which would be on the extreme end of things. If those 100 vagina-hating democrats had voted for Elizabeth Warren in the Iowa caucuses it wouldn’t have made a damn bit of difference, she still would have lost.
The thing I find strange is that Warren seemed aware that people didn’t want to vote for her because she is a woman as early as the first race in the primaries, even if it’s not true, so why didn’t she do something about it? She’d spent most of her life culturally appropriating Indian heritage so why didn’t she genitally appropriate a penis?
She already has a boy haircut so why didn’t shove a cucumber down her pants and change her name to Elizondo Warren? Her excuse for pretending to be an Indian was that her family always told her that so she could easily explain her sudden maleness the same way: “My daddy always told me I was a girl but I took a DNA crotch test and discovered I have a big hairy wang.”
Elizabeth Warren failed in the democratic primaries because she is shrill and unlikeable. It had nothing to do with what’s between her legs, it was all because of what’s between her ears.
