This week we learned that when Joe Biden was 30, a 12-year-old girl did helped him “get an awful lot done.” Here’s some other WTF? that’s sure to make you cringe:
Headline of the Week
‘My Husband Is A Wizard, Made Strange Penis To Sleep With Me Every Night’
THE Livingstone Local Court, Zambia, has given a man of Ngwenya Township a two-month ultimatum to remove an object resembling a manhood he allegedly implanted on his wife’s left thigh through charms.
According to Zambia Observer, Senior local magistrate, Esau Daka and principal presiding local court magistrate, Mubita Mubiana said though the issue was a family matter, the man, identified as Chipango, should ensure that the matter was resolved.
Joyce, 60, accused her former husband of implanting the manhood on her left thigh.
In this case, Chipango had sued his former wife, Joyce, demanding K30,000 for accusing him of being a wizard.
Joyce complained that the circumcised manhood traumatised her as it would have sexual intercourse with her every night.
“One day, while we were in bed, he pinned me down and started accusing me of being unfaithful. He then warned me that he would attach a manhood to my thigh,” she said.
Joyce stated that after that, she developed pain on her thighs and later a real human circumcised manhood grew out of her left thigh.
“Every night, it has intercourse with me just like a real man,” she said.
But Chipango accused his former wife of calling him a wizard. He said she should consult a witchdoctor if she wanted her attached manhood removed.
The court, in passing judgment, issued a two- month ultimatum to Chipango in which to resolve the issue.
How is this case not on Judge Judy?
Pin Prick of the Week
Doctors stunned after finding painful intruder on X-ray of 11-year-old’s penis
Doctors were left in shock after discovering an 11-year-old boy’s difficulty in urinating was due to an 8cm acupuncture needle being lodged up his urethra.
The eye-watering issue was found after medics struggled to determine why the young lad was in discomfort. It was only after sending him for an X-ray that docs could spot the needle and quickly rushed him in for surgery.
The incident occurred at Jiangxi Children’s Hospital in Nanchang, Jiangxi Province, central China. The boy – named Xiao Huang by local reports – then admitted he had inserted the 8cm needle in his penis himself but was initially too afraid to tell anyone.
After being questioned why he had done it, chief Physician Rao Pinde revealed the boy said he was bored and wanted to see if it was possible, and had been living with the needle lodged inside him for around 12 hours.
Doctors performed an endoscopy and used a fine pair of forceps to pull out the needle in what was a minimally invasive surgery, before Huang was allowed to go home again.
Having a literal needle-dick only perpetuates stereotypes about Asian men.
Munch of the Week
Company launches vagina-flavored chips so millennials can get laid more
A chip company that purports to cater to sex-starved 30-somethings boasts a new flavor that supposedly tastes like a woman’s vajayjay.
“After tasting it, you will remember your wildest love adventures, your first real love, and maybe even lose your oral virginity,” reps for Chazz, the Lithuania-based creators of the private-parroting potato chips, claim on their site.
Dubbed “p—y-flavored potato chips,” the kinky creations are inspired by a purported generation-wide sex drought among millennials, who allegedly prefer perusing social media to getting saucy in the sack.
“According to several past years research data around the world, millennials are having 3 times less sex than their parents at the same age,” Chazz claimed of Generation Y’s alleged involuntary celibacy trend, per Jam Press. “It is unbelievable that someone is choosing social media instead of live communication, dating and real sex.”
Nonetheless, Chazz wanted to replicate sex in snack form for millennials, like an X-rated version of Willy Wonka’s Three Course Dinner Chewing Gum. The chip bags, which run around $9 each, are even emblazoned with the slogan “lose your virginity with Chazz.”
In order to condense the sexperience into 2-D chip form, Chazz reportedly “selected the five bravest and most experienced team members (boys and girls)” and sent them on individual missions to gather the most private part-approximating flavors.
“At the same time, other colleagues were Googling in forums, comments and found dozens of opinions from different countries what the p—y taste associates with,” the food pornographers wrote of their raunchy recon mission. “After summing up the results, agreeing on all the essential sensations of this taste and additional notes, we formed the task and sent it to the three huge EU manufacturers of spices.”
Chazz then whittled down the resultant dozens of samples into a few that best approximated the flavor of love. Finally, the fast food firm adjusted the ingredient levels to “reflect this taste as close as possible,” per the site. Voila, millennials could allegedly finally lose their V-card culinarily.
Black guys will definitely not be buying these things.
Skycaps of the Week
MODEL FORCED TO MOVE SEATS ON FLIGHT AFTER COMPLAINTS ABOUT HER GIANT BOOBS
A British model, who claims to have “UK’s biggest boobs” had to sit by herself on a recent flight because fellow passengers weren’t fans of her prized possessions.
Leia Parker, or Jodie Juggs as she’s known on Instagram, says fellow passengers complained about her large breasts during a flight from Las Vegas to London. She was eventually moved and says she spent most of the flight in a jump seat in the kitchen.
Not surprisingly with her one economy seat, Leia was spilling over onto others around her. The other passengers weren’t happy about sitting next to her and several asked to be moved.
“One female passenger said to the stewardess that she wanted ‘this girl and her stupid t–ts moved.’ She said I kept pushing up against her boyfriend, but there was just not enough space.”
“They didn’t have other seats so I ended up spending most of the flight sat in a jump seat in the kitchen bit,” she said.
She called the move “hurtful” and has asked the unnamed airline for an apology. Leia hasn’t received her desired apology, but she has received a lot of attention.
In the unlikely event of a water landing, Jodie’s jugs can be used as a flotation device.
Asshole of the Week
Doctors Find 55 Batteries In Woman’s Body — ‘Highest Reported Number’ Ever
The terms “emergency” and “AAA” typically connote a roadside incident. Certain doctors in Dublin, however, are unlikely to ever associate those terms with anything but a recent surgery — during which they found dozens of batteries in a 66-year-old woman’s colon and stomach.
A report of the incident, published Thursday in the Irish Medical Journal, detailed the patient’s arrival at St. Vincent’s University Hospital, where an X-ray revealed the foreign objects in her body. Miraculously, none were obstructing her gastrointestinal tract, according to Live Science.
Doctors initially decided to wait in hopes that she would pass the batteries out of her body naturally. Though she released five AA batteries in the first week, subsequent X-rays showed that most were still stuck inside — and the woman began experiencing abdominal pain.
After realizing that her distended stomach was hanging above the pubic bone due to the weight of the batteries, surgeons cut into her abdomen and successfully removed 46 of them.
Unfortunately for all involved, four additional batteries remained trapped in the colon. As described in the report, doctors “milked” them into her rectum to remove them from her anus. This brought the total amount of batteries she ingested — both AA and AAA — to a whopping 55.
“To the best of our knowledge, this case represents the highest reported number of batteries ingested at a single point in time,” the journal article said.
Going electric has a serious downside.
Whole Ass of the Week
Model who wants ‘world’s biggest booty’ flaunts thong in see-through trousers
A model on a mission to get the “world’s biggest bum” showed off her progress in see-through trousers.
Natasha Crown’s thong, which had a geometric pattern on, was visible underneath her sheer bottoms.
The Swedish star, who has had five bum lifts in recent years, let her curves do the talking by facing away from the camera.
She ran one hand through her long locks and placed the other on her hip to highlight her hourglass figure.
The 27-year-old turned her face to one side, showing off her plump pout and fluttery eyelashes.
Fans went wild for the saucy photo – with 500 of them liking it and many taking the time to leave a comment.
Talking about her wish to have the world’s biggest booty on YouTube earlier this year, she said: “I’m going to have the world’s biggest bum. That’s my goal and I’m going to reach it.
This is terrifying in so many ways.
Hotrod of the Week
Woman impaled by steel rod after plummeting 22 feet during monkey attack
A woman incredibly survived after being impaled by a steel rod after plummeting more than 20 feet during an alleged monkey attack in India.
The freak accident occurred after the 20-year-old victim, named Khatija, was allegedly accosted by a band of monkeys while standing atop a roof in Azamgarh, Uttar Pradesh, Jam Press reported.
While attempting to fight the simian assailants off, the poor woman fell off the roof and plummeted 22 feet onto a bar-lined boundary wall, whereupon one of the sharp rods pierced her stomach and back like a human shish kebab.
Unfortunately, Khatija lay there for a full hour before getting discovered by family members, who attempted to cut their impaled relative free. And while they succeeded at separating her from the boundary wall, the other half of the rod remained in her body.
Fearing the worst, the family rushed Khatija to the hospital, where medical personnel performed emergency surgery.
Thankfully, doctors were able to remove the bar and the Khatija remains “out of danger at this time,” according to the presiding surgeon Dr. Shishir Jaiswal. However, it’s remains unclear if she will make a full recovery, Jam Press reported.
Monkey bars are something entirely different in America.
Chucker of the Week
Homeless crisis escalating in Sherman Oaks; man throws feces at business owner
On Ventura Boulevard in Sherman Oaks, a homeless man angrily yells, “You want to have a fight?”
An unhoused woman walks back and forth saying, “Isis, Isis, Isis.”
Yet another man, presumably under the influence of drugs, screams, “You gotta die, you gotta die, you gotta die!”
Business owner Paul Scrivano describes his community this way, “Every day, it’s like one flew over the cuckoo’s nest, literally a psych ward.”
Scrivano is the owner of The Blue Dog Beer Tavern. He’s had about all he can take from a man who openly defecates on Ventura Boulevard.
“Every single morning, I’m wiping that off my property before I have to do business,” Scrivano said.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, one morning, the unhoused man tossed a bag of his human waste onto Scrivano’s SUV.
LA City Councilwoman Nithya Raman represents the 4th district which includes Sherman Oaks. Business owners say they have called, emailed, and tagged her on social media posts.
Scrivano sends her office, videos of the homeless making threats and going to the bathroom on Ventura Boulevard. He was told to stop sending such graphic material.
“Nithya Ramen does not care, she does not care,” Scrivano said.
FOX 11 caught up with Raman at a public event. She argued the unhoused are people too.
“The reality is that people who are experiencing homelessness are still individuals who are there on the streets because they don’t have a home,” Raman said.
No, people use a bathroom while monkeys throw their own shit.
Whiz Kid of the Week
Man accused of repeatedly strutting naked, relieving himself from midtown high-rise balcony arrested
A man accused of strutting around naked on a midtown Atlanta high-rise balcony and urinating on the streets below was arrested Wednesday.
Only Channel 2 Action News was at the Icon Atlanta on 14th Street and West Peachtree Street when Mercedes New was taken into custody.
Channel 2′s Tom Jones talked to residents who said New was accused of routinely relieving himself from a high-rise unit. Neighbors said it was so bad, they thought about using an umbrella when they walked along the sidewalk.
Jones talked to New as he was being walked to a patrol car, and he denied the allegations against him.
“I’m famous! I’m on TV, bruh,” New said. “I didn’t do this, man. No. I’m innocent. I promise I didn’t do this.”
New also goes by the name Shawty Dred and has nearly a million followers on Instagram.
People who work in the area said New routinely walked outside onto the balcony naked and then relieved himself through the bars of his balcony. Neighbors sent Channel 2 Action News video of New in the act but asked that we not show it on television.
Police began investigating after a manager of a nearby high-rise called and complained. Officers went into the building and moments later came out with New in handcuffs.
Police said the charges New is facing are pending, but one charge is likely to be public indecency.
Tom Jones with a New, Mercedes? That’s Not Unusual.
Drunk of the Week
Concerned citizen gets alleged drunk driver off road
Kelly Patrick Fitzgerald, 62, appeared in Lincoln County District Court on Sept. 12 and pleaded not guilty to criminal endangerment and DUI, fourth offense, both felonies.
Fitzgerald, who was released, must wear an electronic monitoring device that determines if he is using alcohol. He is scheduled to return to court on Nov. 28 for an omnibus hearing.
According to the probable cause statement by Lincoln County Sheriff’s Office Deputy Bo Pitman, at about 11 a.m. on Aug. 27, the citizen called 911 to report he was following a car that was driving all over the road on Montana 37 near the Tobacco River Bridge. He called back a short time later and said the car ran someone off the road near the Rexford turnoff and he conducted a pit maneuver to get the car off the road. The man also said he was holding the driver at gunpoint.
Pittman said when he arrived, he saw Fitzgerald slumped over in the driver’s seat and could not have any sort of intelligent conversation with him, according to the court document. Pittman also wrote that Fitzgerald was unable to get out of the car without the officer’s help.
Fitzgerald allegedly agreed to blood draw and said he suffered from cerebral palsy and diabetes.
The old “I’m a fat retard” defense never fails.
Cutter of the Week
Florida man tried to behead man in convenience store with scissors
A Florida man stabbed an acquaintance 40 times with a pair of scissors in an attempted beheading inside a convenience store, officials said.
According to the Lee County Sheriff’s Office, Edmund Clarke, 36, entered the location with the son of an elderly man he serves as a caretaker for.
Video of the Monday incident shows Clarke suddenly grabbing a pair of scissors he spotted inside the store and lunging at the victim as the bloody attack unfolds.
Deputies said Clarke allegedly hacked away at the man in an attempt to behead him — and grabbed other knives he found inside the store during the incident.
Clarke’s alleged assault lasted several minutes before cops arrived. The victim was rushed to a local hospital with severe wounds to his head, neck and torso.
According to an arrest report, Clarke had served as a caretaker for the victim’s father for roughly a decade, WINK reported.
The two met at some point before the incident and Clarke asked to go to the store to get something to eat.
According to a witness, Clarke began experiencing hallucinations and ranted about being targeted by an unknown enemy before launching the assault.
Was that unknown enemy Meth?
Great Escape of the Week
Sex worker’s escape blunder led to her arrest after onlookers call police for help
A sex worker was seen risking her life scaling down a building in nightgown during a police raid.
The Thai woman was believed to have fled from a brothel in a high-rise in Tsim Sha Tsui district of Kowloon, Hong Kong.
Video taken by shocked onlookers show the thinly-dressed woman sitting on a ledge before climbing down to the barber pole.
She takes a misstep and nearly falls to the ground.
Later she is seen hanging on to an air-conditioning unit and dropping on to a stop sign right outside a 7-11 convenience store.
A couple of men rush to offer help and get her safely to the ground.
A man can be heard saying: “It must be the police, they are sweeping the building to raid brothels.”
The woman is then led away by the good Samaritan.
Despite her daredevil stunt, the sex worker’s attempt to escape capture failed and police arrested her shortly after she landed as residents called the officers for help.
Police later found that the person in the revealing nightgown was a 30-year-old Thai transgender woman who entered the country on a tourist visa and was working illegally in the seedy sex den servicing wealthy local men.
I did not see that tranny twist at the end coming.
WTF? of The Week
The chief operating officer for the company behind the vegan alternative Beyond Meat was arrested Saturday in Fayetteville, Arkansas after he allegedly bit “flesh” from the nose of another man after a college football game.
Douglas Ramsey was arrested after police said he punched the back window out of another man’s car, struck him, and then bit “flesh” from the tip of his nose.
KNWA reported the incident began when a man driving a Subaru struck the tire of Ramsey’s vehicle in the parking garage on the campus of the University of Arkansas – after the Razorbacks defeated Missouri State.
The fight allegedly then became anything but vegan, the report states:
The owner of the Subaru then allegedly got out and stated Ramsey “pulled him in close and started punching his body.” According to the [police report], Ramsey also “bit the owner’s nose, ripping the flesh on the tip of the nose.”
The victim and the witness reported hearing Ramsey “threaten to kill” the owner of the Subaru. Occupants of both vehicles got out and helped separate the parties.
He won’t eat a hamburger but will gladly feast on human flesh.
