This week, Mitch McConnell WTFed it up by hosting an embarrassing event with Joe Biden. Here’s some slightly-less embarrassing WTF? that doesn’t involving kissing an old man’s wrinkly ass:
Headline of the Week
Dangerous driver who almost hit three blokes outside pub tells court he has ‘two anuses’
A dangerous driver, who almost flattened three blokes outside of a pub, has told a court he has two anuses.
Christopher Henderson-Grey appeared in court charged with driving without due care and attention when his solicitor made the bizarre revelation, according to the Western Telegraph
The 37-year-old industrial carpet fitter was described as having “two holes for his anus instead of one” by his solicitor, Michael Kelleher.
Mr Kelleher told Haverfordwest Magistrates’ Court: “This is a hard-working man albeit with a very awkward physical problem.”
“It’s very difficult to think of a way of describing his problem, other than he has two holes for his anus instead of one.”
On July 1, 2022, three men were standing outside Castle Inn on Main Street, Pembroke when they saw a white Peugeot van heading towards them, being driven by Henderson-Grey, of Stirling Grove, Nottingham.
Crown Prosecutor Nia James said the van mounted the kerb, luckily missed the men but was “travelling too quickly” adding they could have been “seriously hurt”.
Henderson-Grey pleaded guilty to the charge of driving in a public place without due care and attention.
This guy sounds like double trouble.
Dipstick of the Week
Transgender man dipped prosthetic penis into pub drinker’s pint, court hears
A transgender man dipped his prosthetic penis into a pub drinker’s pint, a court has heard.
Jesse Hawthorne, 30, was asked to leave the pub after fellow drinkers took offence over the prank, but he subsequently smashed a bottle by throwing it at a one-armed bandit machine.
Hawthorne was later arrested for criminal damage over the incident at the Cwtch bar in Caerphilly, south Wales.
Prosecutor Miquelle Groves said that the pub had been “relatively quiet but there were customers around” when Hawthorne entered the seating area and “exposed a prosthetic penis”.
“The defendant placed the false genitalia in somebody’s drink,” she added.
“CCTV showed there was an element of distress caused to some customers and he was asked to leave the premises. The defendant became very aggressive and he had a glass bottle which he threw towards the bandit, completely smashing its screen to pieces.”
Hawthorne, who works as a handyman but is currently claiming benefits, pleaded guilty to criminal damage and a public disorder offence in September last year.
Works as a handy man? How?
Hot Tip of the Week
Scrap dealer hospitalised after sealing opening on the tip of his penis with super glue
According to kasapafmonline.com, the bizarre incident occurred at Wasa Nananko in the Amenfi East Municipality in the Western Region.
The incident reportedly threw residents of the area into a state of shock following the action by the victim identified as Musah Seidu.
“Musah Seidu is reportedly known to have been allegedly using penis enlargement medicine to have bouts of sex with women in the area especially prostitutes.
“He’s said to have contracted a sexually transmitted disease that has left him with frequent urination (urinating every two minutes).
Frustrated by this frequent urination, Musah Seidu reportedly sealed the tip of his penis with the solution glue in a bid to stop the urine from flowing,” the news website reports.
What the young man thought was going to be the solution to his frequent urination turned out to be an exacerbation of his plight as he was left in excruciating pain.
He was quickly rushed to the hospital where he was reportedly admitted for medical treatment.
Here’s a good tip: don’t glue your pee hole shut.
Harry Dick of the Week
Internet roasts Prince Harry over ‘frostbitten penis’ reveal
Prince Harry is being ridiculed online after revealing that he suffered a frostbitten “todger” during a 2011 North Pole trip — which made for a miserable time at the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. His frosted phallus fiasco was one of many bombshells broken by Page Six after obtaining a copy of the Duke of Sussex’s much-hyped memoir “Spare” ahead of its official release on Jan. 10.
“Upon arriving home I’d been horrified to discover that my nether regions were frost nipped,” the now-38-year-old ex-royal had described of the shrinkage-inducing saga, which transpired following a 200-mile Arctic charity walk in March 2011. The prince’s penile frostbite was reportedly so bad that he was still reeling while with his older brother at Westminster Abbey on the latter’s wedding day on April 29, 2011.
Harry told his father, Prince Charles, and company about the “discomfort of my frost nipped ears and cheeks,” but remained mum on his painful South Pole, per the memoir. “While the ears and cheeks were already healing, the todger wasn’t,” lamented the pained prince, who promptly sought treatment following the ceremony.
Social media, of course, had a field day upon hearing of his chilly willy — with Rolling Stone’s Lisa Tozzi snarking: “I have died, RIP Me.”
“Bang goes the old axiom — What happens in the Arctic stays in the Arctic,” quipped broadcaster Michael Gravesande.
“I never thought I’d be talking about Prince Harry’s ‘frostnipped’ penis for a living, but here we are,” added GB News’ royal reporter Cameron Walker, along with an excerpt from the Page Six article describing the wince-worthy saga.
“We’ve all been there,” snarked one comment section comedian, while another joked, “Would make for a great Austin Powers movie. Cold Member.”
How do you freeze a fire bush?
Pork Chop of the Week
Bionic Penis Restores Erections in Pigs
Inspired by the natural and unique strain-adaptive properties of a tissue that forms the outer sheath of the mammalian penis, scientists in China have created an artificial penile implant that consists of aligned but crimped fibers crosslinked in a hydrogel that can stiffen under strain and restore normal erections in a porcine model.
The mammalian penis consists of an external, tough but flexible connective tissue (tunica albuginea, TA) that envelops the erectile tissue (corpus cavernosum) and the urethra. The double-layered TA consists of stacked parallel wavy collagen fibers and embedded elastic fibers in an outer longitudinal and an inner circular layer. The TA forms the hydrostatic framework that is critical for penile erections. During an erection, the curved TA fibers sequentially straighten to absorb strain and stretch to orchestrate the transition from soft to firm.
The novel approach of mimicking natural tissue cytoarchitecture adopted in this study to produce a bionic penis, could potentially be employed to build a variety of weight-bearing structures that match the performance capacities of natural tissues.
I can’t wait to see them build a house out of boners.
Unhappy Ending of the Week
Man claims genitals were grabbed at Port Charlotte massage spa
A Port Charlotte man got more than he bargained for after he went in for a massage before being inappropriately fondled.
It was around 7:30 p.m. on a balmy January 3rd, 2023, when a man strolled into a massage parlor located at 2191 Tamiami Trail. He lingered in the lobby as he perused the menu, noting that a 30-minute massage only cost $70.
The 48-year-old was greeted by Qiandwei Dong.
After a conversation, the man decided on the half-hour stress-reliving experience and happily turned over a crisp $100. However, he never received his change. Instead, Dong escorted him to a back room.
That was when she reportedly asked him to strip down.
According to the Charlotte County Sheriff’s Arrest report, the man complied and became head-to-toe naked. While peeling off his pants and additional accoutrements, Dong interjected and told him to lay face down on the table.
Without a towel and completely in the buff, the man said he noticed that Dong did nothing but meander aimlessly around the room for nearly five minutes. As he started to suspect he might be getting scammed, Dong poured some oil and began barely apply pressure to his aching shoulders.
Following ten minutes of light kneading, Dong ordered the man to flip over to his back. Then, once again, without the security of a hand towel or any symbolic covering, the massage resumed with a focus on his upper chest.
Then Dong went too far, according to the man, after he claims that without provocation, Dong securely grabbed his penis and testicles.
Aghast at the clutching of his privates, the man told Dong to unhand his genitals. It was then, the man told authorities that Dong began negotiating sexual favors and asking for more money to continue.
Grabbing for his clothes, the man demanded his money back and threatened to call 911. Dong refused, only returning $50, and attempted to block the man from leaving the business. The man claims Dong became physical and even pushed him up against a wall to stop him from fleeing.
Sheriffs were called, and they responded to the massage spa. Ms. Dong explained to authorities that it was the man who had asked for additional sex acts and she had refused. She states he became so agitated that she gave back some money just to make him leave.
Further investigation found that Dong was the instigator. She was arrested and faces charges of unnatural and lascivious act and battery.
What did he expect from giving $100 to a woman named Dong?
Remedy of the Week
Paige Spiranac claims looking at her 34DD boobs is good for men’s HEALTH
PAIGE SPIRANAC claims that looking at her boobs is good for men’s health.
The golf influencer is never shy when it comes to talking about her body.
Spiranac, 29, has gathered a huge fan base on social media – accruing 3.7million followers on Instagram and 750,000 on Twitter.
It was on the latter platform that she made her latest cheeky post.
She noticed a tweet from an account called @fact, which said: “A German study concludes that staring at women’s breasts for 10 minutes a day is better for your health than going to the gym.”
Spiranac playfully quote-tweeted the post, writing: “Follow me and you’ll hit your 2023 health goals. You’re welcome.”
I’m feeling better already.
Peeper of the Week
Florida man accused of touching woman’s breasts at assisted living facility
Florida man was arrested earlier this week after he was accused of groping a woman as she sat in her wheelchair outside her bedroom at an assisted living facility where they both live.
The incident was reported Monday at the Harbor House of Ocala assisted living facility in Dunnellon.
According to a probable cause affidavit from the Marion County Sheriff’s Office, an employee at the ALF reported the incident to authorities about an hour after it occurred.
The responding deputy said the victim told him that she was sitting in her wheelchair outside her bedroom when she was approached by Stephen Alfred Peeper, 72, who she said shoved his hands up the bottom of her dress and grabbed her breasts.
The woman told the deputy that she asked Peeper what he was trying to do and he said, “Trying to feel her t******.”
The woman told Peeper to stop because she has a boyfriend, but he proceeded to assault her a second time as she pushed him away, authorities said.
The responding deputy inquired about the mental being of both parties due to it being an assisted living facility, but the employee who reported the incident said both were of sound mind, and that the victim suffers from Parkinson’s disease, and Peeper has a tracheotomy.
According to the affidavit, the deputy questioned Peeper about the incident, but he claimed he just tried giving the victim a cup of peanut butter and denied touching her breasts.
Peeper was ultimately arrested on a battery charge.
In court, he requested that his name be changed from Peeper to Groper.
Flaming Asshole of the Week
California arsonists set themselves on fire while attacking business
A video has emerged of two suspected arsonists in California setting themselves on fire during an attack on a business, with one heard yelling “Ahhh!” while trying to escape the scene.
The incident happened early Monday morning at Servicio de Imigracion in Bakersfield. The company provides immigration and naturalization services.
Footage taken from a Ring security camera begins with two unidentified masked individuals approaching the business and dousing it with gasoline.
One of the individuals then leans over to ignite the gasoline, but once doing so, the sudden and rapid inferno appears to catch both by surprise.
The suspected arsonist who started the blaze is then seen running away with flames trailing up their leg, while the other repeatedly slips trying to flee the fire.
“Ahhh!” one of the individuals is heard screaming before running off into the night with what appears to be their lower back and buttocks on fire.
It’s much easier to get a burning ass by eating spicy Mexican food.
Tree Shredder of the Week
‘Eco-conscious’ families should eat their Christmas trees, urges reporter
Instead of throwing out your Christmas tree, a journalist writing for The Guardian urged families to consider eating it.
“Instead of sending their pine, fir and spruce trees for recycling or replanting, growing numbers of eco-conscious households are trying to make the most of them by eating various parts before throwing them out,” Miranda Bryant wrote. “Fir trees can be used in ice-cream, to pickle vegetables and even to flavour gin.”
Food experts said a Christmas tree can be used to cook, using the needles like rosemary or basil leaves as a kick of citrus or pine flavor and a source of vitamin C, she wrote. By burning the wood, eco-family households can also make pine ash for use in the garden or kitchen cleaning.
“You can pretty much eat the whole thing,” Julia Georgallis, author of How to Eat Your Christmas Tree told The Guardian. “You can use the needles as you would use rosemary or bay leaves, for flavour.”
Georgallis, a London-based baker and food writer, who has been working with Christmas trees for years, said her ideas have only recently gained traction, The Guardian reported. She points to the climate crisis as the main driving force behind the increased interest.
If a belief in something has you eating Christmas trees, find something else to believe in.
Butt Hurt of the Week
Woman allegedly abducts child, runs down street naked, fights with cops
An Indiana woman kidnapped an eight-year-old old girl from a playground, dropped the child off at her home with her confused husband and then ran down the street naked, authorities said.
Brittany Hurtt, 34, allegedly clashed with Austin police when she was arrested Monday, railing that children “were being taught by the computers and all the children needed to die” as she was taken for a medical examination, according to court records.
Hurtt had allegedly tried to abduct another child before the kidnapping, with the would-be victim later telling authorities Hurrt grabbed her wrist and said, “Let’s start a family.”
Police were notified that a woman had climbed over a fence and abducted an eight-year-old girl from an elementary school playground and fled in her car, WXIN-TV reported, citing an arrest affidavit.
Hurtt’s husband later flagged down officers and told them his wife had come home with an unknown child in the passenger seat and then proceeded to undress and run down the street, according to authorities.
The child was quickly returned to the school, and an officer pursued Hurtt, who was “running in the street nude carrying two white trash bags.”
Hurtt struck an officer’s vehicle and tried to “yank the door open” before officers handcuffed her and struggled to get her into the police car as she resisted, according to court records.
Once in the vehicle, Hurtt is said to have started “kicking the back windows” while screaming and refused to put on clothes that had been brought by her husband.
Officers tried to put Hurtt on a gurney so she could be taken to an emergency room for evaluation. At that point, she allegedly kicked an officer in the hand and was “making statements about how the children were being taught by the computers and all the children needed to die.”
Hurtt is now facing charges of kidnapping, battery to a public safety official, criminal trespass, resisting law enforcement, public nudity and public indecency Austin police posted on Facebook Monday.
That’s some serious PMS right there.
WTF? of the Week
Idaho ‘killer’ shows genitals in jail rant: ‘I cut them, I’ll cut you’
Suspected Idaho murderer Bryan Kohberger spends his days ranting and singing lyrics from violent rap songs inside the Pennsylvania jail where he is being held.
And several times the man accused of killing four University of Idaho students tried to expose himself to a female inmate who was held in a cell close to him.
Now that inmate, 50-year-old Valerie Cipollina, has revealed exclusively to DailyMail.com how Kohberger taunted guards, saying they were too scared to go in his cell.
‘I cut them, I’ll cut you,’ Kohberger yelled repeatedly, said Cipollina, who was held at the Monroe County Jail for six hours on a New Year’s domestic violence charge.
‘You come in here and I’ll cut you,’ Kohberger allegedly yelled at one guard. ‘I’m going to pee on your face. Do what you want with me, I don’t give a s**t.’
Cipollina was in a cell catty corner from Kohberger’s in the Monroe County Jail in Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania. She could see his upper body clearly through the glass, although his lower body was hidden from her.
He was wearing a regular orange prison jumpsuit and not the anti-suicide ‘turtle suit’ he had on when his mugshot was taken on Friday.
At first she said she didn’t realize who he was but then heard jail employees discussing him and another inmate told her: ‘That’s the guy who killed those college students.’
She said he repeatedly lifted his shirt and she heard the guard tell him several times to put his pants back on. She believes he was trying to expose himself to her.
‘I couldn’t see his genitals because the glass wall only went down so far,’ she said.
‘I could see him through the polycarbonate glass window of his jail cell. He was standing up right against it, yelling out violent rap lyrics.’
At one point he yelled out ‘F**k my enemies and foes,’ a line from Lil Wayne’s Multiple Flows. He also sang violent and misogynistic lyrics from Bad Bunny songs, she said.
At one point Cipollina said the jailer who was stationed outside Kohberger’s cell told him to shut up and calm down, to which he replied, ‘Come on in motherf***er. You come in here – let’s talk.’
‘He then screamed at the top of his lungs: ‘Come in all of you. You scared of me? You should be scared of me.
‘You’re going to do nothing to me because I’m going to cut all of you up,’ he allegedly ranted. ‘Come into this cell and I’ll show you I’m a creeper. Come in this cell and I’ll cut you up too.’
Kohberger is charged with killing childhood friends Kaylee Goncalves and Maddie Mogen, both 21, their roommate Xana Kernodle and her boyfriend Ethan Chapin, both 20.
A Rambo-style knife was used to carry out the murders, police said, at the six-bedroom rental property where three of the victims’ lives.
He’s a cutter.
