The Babylon Bee: D.C. Residents Concerned Crack House on Pennsylvania Avenue Will Drag Down Housing Market

Dangerous Activity Reported but an absence of investigatory skills has failed to identify the perpetrator or perpetrators.

NOTE: Local residents and landlords in the D.C. area are concerned after reports surfaced that a nearby home on Pennsylvania Avenue has become a dangerous crack house.

This in part from thebabylonbee.com.

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington DC

The owner of a middle-income apartment building that offers units at the reasonable price of just $15,000 per month, Carla Biggens, in tears said:

It’s just not fair. I work hard to maintain my property, only to have real estate values plummet when this riff-raff moves into the neighborhood.

I always see suspicious people coming and going from that place. It puts us all on edge. Lord knows what kind of shady things are happening there! Yuck!

Another homeowner who chose to remain anonymous for fear of retaliation “like he has read whistleblowers are subjected to” stated:

Since those people moved in, the entire neighborhood has gone to hell. I knew it was only a matter of time before our beautiful homes would start losing their value like a middle-aged whore.

A renter from around the corner of this alleged crack house who also requests anonymity stated:

I’m getting out of here as soon as I can break my lease. Those people are tramps. They brought the dregs of society with them. And they’re not even from around here. They’re not our kind of people.

That last man who occupied that house was such a nice gentleman. A damn shame what they did to him.

Local authorities confirmed hard drugs were recently found on the premises, but warned they would likely never find the perpetrator because the owner of the crack house pays their salaries.

Also, there are two past reports of marijuana having been found on the property and there has been the frequent appearance of an obviously severely stoned middle-aged man lying naked on the lawn with a scarf around his neck.

A spokesperson for those responsible to investigate said:

We simply cannot keep up with all these allegations.

It’s too much to expect corrupt feds like us to do anything about this shady crack house.

This neighborhood has been going downhill for a long time anyway. There’s nothing we can do. Let her go.

Residents are being encouraged to take their concerns to the next city council meeting where they can expect to be further ignored.

At publishing time, D.C. home values had already plummeted to an average of a mere 12 million dollars.

Warning: D.C. residents and visitors must not attempt to approach this alleged crack house.

Final thoughts: This is satire, Def-Con News readers. Read for comedic relief only. And please keep all angry comments directed toward me in a satirical flavor. I’m looking forward to reading them. A pleasant Sunday to all.

Dangerous Activity Reported but an absence of investigatory skills has failed to identify the perpetrator or perpetrators.

NOTE: Local residents and landlords in the D.C. area are concerned after reports surfaced that a nearby home on Pennsylvania Avenue has become a dangerous crack house.

This in part from thebabylonbee.com.

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington DC

The owner of a middle-income apartment building that offers units at the reasonable price of just $15,000 per month, Carla Biggens, in tears said:

It’s just not fair. I work hard to maintain my property, only to have real estate values plummet when this riff-raff moves into the neighborhood.

I always see suspicious people coming and going from that place. It puts us all on edge. Lord knows what kind of shady things are happening there! Yuck!

Another homeowner who chose to remain anonymous for fear of retaliation “like he has read whistleblowers are subjected to” stated:

Since those people moved in, the entire neighborhood has gone to hell. I knew it was only a matter of time before our beautiful homes would start losing their value like a middle-aged whore.

A renter from around the corner of this alleged crack house who also requests anonymity stated:

I’m getting out of here as soon as I can break my lease. Those people are tramps. They brought the dregs of society with them. And they’re not even from around here. They’re not our kind of people.

That last man who occupied that house was such a nice gentleman. A damn shame what they did to him.

Local authorities confirmed hard drugs were recently found on the premises, but warned they would likely never find the perpetrator because the owner of the crack house pays their salaries.

Also, there are two past reports of marijuana having been found on the property and there has been the frequent appearance of an obviously severely stoned middle-aged man lying naked on the lawn with a scarf around his neck.

A spokesperson for those responsible to investigate said:

We simply cannot keep up with all these allegations.

It’s too much to expect corrupt feds like us to do anything about this shady crack house.

This neighborhood has been going downhill for a long time anyway. There’s nothing we can do. Let her go.

Residents are being encouraged to take their concerns to the next city council meeting where they can expect to be further ignored.

At publishing time, D.C. home values had already plummeted to an average of a mere 12 million dollars.

Warning: D.C. residents and visitors must not attempt to approach this alleged crack house.

Final thoughts: This is satire, Def-Con News readers. Read for comedic relief only. And please keep all angry comments directed toward me in a satirical flavor. I’m looking forward to reading them. A pleasant Sunday to all.

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