Not everything crazy that happens involves Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s economics or Nancy Pelosi’s dementia, there’s a whole world of insanity out there. These are some of the ICYMI stories that make life interesting and disturbing at the same time.
Headline of the week:
Climate Change Is Making Sharks Right-Handed
Australian scientists went snorkeling for shark eggs, then incubated those eggs in a special tank designed to simulate the hot, end-of-century temperatures expected to prevail if climate change continues unabated. Half of the sharks died within a month. The other half became right-handed.
Is it a coincidence that the Antichrist, Obama, and sharks are left-handed? Also, how are shares left-handed?
Fascism of the week:
Portland Restaurants Could Get Fined Up to $500 for Serving Plastic Straws
Restaurant owners could get slapped with a $500 fine for giving customers plastic cutlery or straws, thanks to a new city ordinance Portland city councilors approved yesterday. Starting July 1, 2019, restaurant employees must ask customers if they’d like disposable silverware before throwing it in the to-go bag, or the restaurant may get stung with a nasty fine.
Don’t worry, it’s still okay for Antifa to punch people they think look like Nazis and destroy property in Portland.
Hero of the week:
Dude didn’t spill a drop.
Inspiration of the week:
101-year-old man credits long life to Coors Light
Forget clean eating and exercise! The road to longevity begins with beer. That’s what a centenarian from McMurray, Pennsylvania, says, anyway. World War II Air Force vet Andrew E. Slavonic celebrated his 101st birthday with friends and family, who spilled his secret to living a long life: a Coors Light every day at 4 p.m.
I’m extending my life as I write this.
Tragedy of the week:
10-vehicle crash spills beer on I-80, shuts down highway near Evanston for 7 hours
Sgt. Jeremy Beck with Wyoming Highway patrol said eight of the vehicles were semi-trucks. One semi-truck, which was carrying pipes, crashed, spilling the pipes on the highway. A second semi-truck carrying cases of beer stopped in response and was rear-ended by a third semi, causing beer crates to flood the insterstate.
They were so young.
Carpooler of the week:
Man drives body of dead woman around in front seat of SUV for days in Bellingham
On Aug. 20, the driver left Bisnett in the car to go search for drugs and when he returned, discovered Bisnett had died, police said. The driver didn’t tell anyone and proceeded to drive around for the next five days with Bisnett’s body still in the passenger seat.
Police have cited the 36-year-old driver for failing to notify a coroner or medical examiner of human remains.
That’s one way to get around those stupid HOV lane rules.
Crime of the week:
60 pregnant goats stolen from Morgan Hill farm
Allen says he left the goats and their guardian dog behind an electric fence so that they could feed on an abandoned driving range.
He says the thieves shut off the power to the electric fence, cut a hole through it and herded the goats into his trailer before driving off.
Allen says they probably distracted his 120-pound Anatolian shepherd guard dog with food. The trailer was later found but without goats.
The problem with stealing 60 pregnant goats is that if you get caught you get arrested for stealing 60 pregnant goats.
Roommate of the week:
UTAH MAN ARRESTED AFTER ALLEGEDLY HAMMERING ICE PICK-LIKE TOOL INTO ROOMMATE’S GENITALS
During the argument, Maughn allegedly held a shotgun to his roommate´s head and made the man sit in a chair before handcuffing him. According to the statement of probable cause, Maughn told the victim he could “either be taken to the desert to be killed or Maughn could drive a nail into [victim´s] penis.”
Maughn then allegedly threatened to shoot the victim if he attempted to fight back. After the victim chose the latter option, Maughn allegedly used a rusty hammer to drive a ice pick-like tool through the victim’s penis and into a 2×4 board placed under the victim.
And I thought it was bad when my roommates drank my beer or wouldn’t do the dishes.
Pervert of the week:
Brian Bates — or, as he might be referred to if he were on “Downton Abbey,” Master Bates — was charged with criminal open lewdness for the Friday incident at a Ridgewood Avenue office, according to borough police Chief Kenneth Ehrenberg. Officers went to the medical office for a report of a man exposing himself to patients.
“Upon police arrival, officers found Bates in the bathroom with the door open while masturbating and simultaneously attempting to penetrate his anus with the handle of the toilet bowl scrubber,” Ehrenberg said in a statement.
“This act was witnessed by several adult females who were in the office,” the chief added.
This one was in the running for headline of the week as well.
Employee of the week:
Tennessee man says he peed on Kellogg’s cereal conveyor belt
A Tennessee man faces up to three years in prison for urinating on a Kellogg’s cereal conveyor belt at a Memphis facility.
“Who pissed in your Cornflakes?” used to be a rhetorical question pointing out that someone was acting like a little bitch. Now it actually has an answer. Donn was on this before any of us.
WTF? of the week:
The Blinky Neon Vagina Artist Returns to Art Basel Miami Beach, With Lumpy Monumental #MeToo Totems
Seriously, WTF?
Mom of the week:
Mother shoots son who pulled out samurai sword during argument, Fort Worth police say
A woman shot her adult son Monday afternoon after he pulled out a samurai sword during an argument, Fort Worth police said.
The mother and her 21-year-old son were fighting shortly before 4 p.m. in the 3000 block of Forest Avenue, near East Lancaster Avenue.
She shot her son in the leg after he pulled out a samurai sword during the argument, police said.
I bet he cleans up his room and brushes his teeth when he gets out of the hospital.
Educators of the week:
Preschool accidentally serves Pine-Sol to kids
According to the Hawaii Health Department, a classroom assistant mistook a jug of Pine Sol for apple juice while serving snacks.
…paramedics evaluated three students who took small sips of the cleaning liquid, but thankfully, none of them needed treatment.
This was a special school in which none of the teachers or students have the sense of smell.
And finally…
Dick of the week:
Accused perv gets off in subway masturbation case after large-penis defense
He’s guilty of nothing more than hitting the anatomical lottery.
An accused subway sicko was acquitted of touching himself on a morning N train after the defense argued the well-endowed defendant was merely adjusting his prodigious package through his pants.
Member-ship has it’s advantages.
