It was a week in which Elizabeth Warren finally admitted she is white and Ted Lieu finally admitted he is an asshole, somehow there were weirder things going on. Here’s some of the stories you may have missed.
Headline of the Week
Mum, 42, eats eight FAG BUTTS every night due to rare eating disorder
Actually, that’s the headline of the year and possibly century.
Black Santa of the Week
Man wearing Santa hat stuffs bacon in pants, beer in jacket at Kwik Trip gas station
A man wearing a Santa hat was caught acting more like a Grinch at a Kwik Trip gas station in Saukville.
The Saukville Police Department says around 4:30 p.m. on Dec. 9, a man picked up several bottles of beer from the gas station located on Green Bay Avenue, and concealed them in his jacket. He then took several pounds of bacon and shoved it in his pants.
Authorities say the man, described as a male, black, left in a striped conversion van without paying.
Is the several pounds of bacon in your pants or are you just glad to see me?
Ass Of The Week
Model, 25, wants world’s biggest bum after having three Brazilian butt lifts in four years
Black Santa would like her.
Good Driver Of The Week
25-Year-Old Man Arrested After Being Caught Driving With 65 License Suspensions
A 25-year-old man faces felony charges after a traffic stop revealed his driver’s license had been suspended — 65 times.
Oscar Ronquillo, of North Lindenhurst, was arrested Friday morning in West Babylon after officers spotted him driving a 2005 Honda that had been reported stolen.
Assuming he got his license at 16, that makes a little over 7 suspended licenses a year, which also means that this guy got his license reinstated around 7 times every year. I couldn’t even go to the DMV once a year without ending up in jail for assaulting every employee in the place.
Sportsman Of The Week
Inmate arrested after fishing for drugs
A Chelan County inmate was arrested after allegedly breaking a hole in a cell window and using a long string in an attempt to pull drugs into the jail.
A maintenance crew on Wednesday found the string hanging from the fourth floor of the Chelan County Regional Justice Center. Tied to the end of the string were pieces of metal, small bags of gravel and a bag of broken pieces of jail soap…
You should see the one that got away. Also, since when are gravel and soap considered drugs?
Carpenter of the Week
A man shot himself in the head with a nail gun on accident. He walked to find police.
The man told deputies and a Derby police officer that he had been working on renovations at the house when fell off of a ladder. He had the nail gun in his hands when he slipped.
“When he landed, the nail gun struck him in the back of the head and he inadvertently pulled the trigger with his finger,” Myers said.
I knew there had to be a logical explanation for this.
Marksman of the Week
Utah man fires 15 shots at roommates after drunkenly knocking over Christmas tree
Police say the homeowner and his son were in their kitchen when a roommate, identified as 56-year-old Randal Weed Dickinson, “was highly intoxicated in the residence and fell onto the Christmas tree while attempting to cross the living room.”
The other residents told the man to go back to his room because he was drunk, and police say he responded by firing about 15 shots from a handgun at the homeowner and his son.
The bullets struck appliances and went through walls but no one was hit by the gunfire.
Does Florida know that Utah is stealing their men?
Citizen Of The Week
Vermont man gives his town the middle finger — and officials can’t do anything about it
A Vermont man in a long-running dispute with his town has erected a 7-foot-tall sculpture that tells passersby exactly how he feels.
The artwork is a raised middle finger, carved from a 700-pound block of pine and perched atop a 16-foot pole on the property of Ted Pelkey.
Oh, and it looks like a lamp at night.
Maybe I should have listed this as Christmas decorations of the week.
Florida Woman of the Week
Florida Woman Allegedly Attacks Boyfriend After He Refused Sex
Carroll reportedly “demanded” that he start fooling around with her,but he refused, again telling her that he wasn’t inthe mood.
He says that’s when Carroll hit him in the chest and groin and then tossed a paint roller at his head.
There are worse things that can happen to your groin. Take for instance…
Nursing Home of the Week
A US army veteran died after staff at a nursing home failed to wash him and he developed gangrene on his infected genitals.
York Spratling, 84, was a resident at the Consulate Health Care in Jacksonville, Florida, when he contracted gangrene.
On February 24 2017, Spratling was rushed into surgery to remove the dead tissue on his genitals. However he died a short time later.
Welfare Queen of the Week
Peorian’s phone stolen while planning to buy drugs with ‘government check’
On Monday, he received his “government check” for $700 and immediately “went to buy drugs,” according to a Peoria police report. He went back to his apartment to smoke crack cocaine, during which time he heard a rap at the door, the report stated. At first, he ignored the knocking, then decided to answer the door “because he likes to have company,” the report said.
The visitor was an acquaintance, who then joined the resident in smoking crack, the report stated. The visitor said he knew where to get more crack, if the resident could provide $60. As the resident pulled out his wad of bills, the visitor snatched the cash and tried to flee, the report stated. However, the resident grabbed the visitor, put him in a leg lock and got the money back, the report stated.
However, during the tussle, the visitor whacked the resident several times and somehow got hold of his cellphone before managing to break free and run away, the report stated. The resident does not know anything about the visitor except that his name is Chris and he lives in Chicago.
Asked why he waited three days to call police about the theft, the resident said he had been busy smoking crack.
And you can use EBT cards at strip clubs.
WTF? of the Week
Click on them titties to find out what that’s all about.
