This week was Valentine’s Day so romance is in the air. Democrats got in the spirit by giving a box of chocolates to open borders, buying flowers for unemployment, and proposing marriage to anti-Semitism. Here’s some other romantic WTF? that is slightly less horrible:
Hydro-mance of the Week
Martha Stewart made her assistant organize her enemas
It’s tough being Martha Stewart’s assistant, who was ordered to reorganize the domestic diva’s mountain of beauty and medical products . . . including enema kits.
How anal retentive does someone have to be to organize enemas? Also, who’s surprised Martha is into butt stuff?
Necro-mance of the Week
Girl who wed zombie sex doll reveals how they consummated marriage – and now want kids
The woman who married a zombie sex doll has revealed they’ve consummating the marriage – and now are trying for kids.
Felicity Kadlec, 20, tied the knot with Kelly Rossi, a zombie doll who she claims is 37-years-old.
The ‘beautiful’ ceremony took place in Tiverton, Rhode Island, USA, and saw eight of Felicity’s other dolls attend to show their support.
“I made sure that the whole wedding was done properly so it would be as official as possible, and we consummated the marriage afterwards.
Which one is the zombie?
Bro-mance of the Week
Arizona man fatally shot while testing bulletproof vest
A man in eastern Arizona was killed after he asked another man to fire a gunshot at the bulletproof vest he was wearing…
The Graham County Sheriff’s Office says the incident happened Monday evening as 25-year-old Parker Ray Lynch and two male acquaintances were shooting together in the area of Central.
All three were firing rounds from a .223 single-shot rifle at a ballistic vest in a tree-lined area…
…Lynch then donned the vest and accompanying plate and had one of the men, identified as Steven Watson, shoot at him.
Watson fired one round, wounding Lynch in the abdomen…
Lynch was transported to a hospital where he died during surgery…
Technically the vest didn’t fail.
Snow-mance of the Week
Detectives Arrest Oldsmar Man After He Video Recorded Himself Performing Sex Acts On His Dog
Detectives assigned to the Crimes Against Children Unit have charged 21-year-old Christian Nichols, with 10 additional criminal charges for Prohibition of Certain Acts in Connection with Obscene Materials.
The new charges are a result of numerous videos found by detectives inside Nichols’ bedroom.
Detectives say the videos depict unidentified persons having inappropriate sexual activity with dogs.
Detectives originally arrested Nichols on February 11, 2019, after he video recorded himself having inappropriate sexual activity with his Siberian Husky dog and shared it on the internet.
Snow Dogs 2 sounds like it’s going to be off the chain.
Weirdo-mance of the Week
A WEIRDO has forked out £12,000 on nine life-sized sex dolls he calls his “daughters” – which are treated to birthday parties and shopping trips.
But Yu Zhenguo, 60, insists he’s NOT a pervert, as “it’s just like anyone else’s hobby. Some people love computer games, I love my silicone daughters.”
There’s a line Yu Zhenguo doesn’t cross though – the businessman never photographs his silicone ‘daughters’ naked
But if he had 10 sex dolls, he’d totally be a pervert.
UFO-Mance Of The Week
Jose Canseco says he is looking for Bigfoot and UFOs
Ex-baseball player Jose Canseco has officially joined the group that believes “the truth is out there” and is on the hunt for UFOs and Bigfoot.
Go on a Bigfoot and alien Excursion with Jose Canseco contact Morgan Management at 702-374-3735
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) February 12, 2019
Come spend the day with me and my alien Buddies I’ll show you Bigfoot and a real alien call Morgan at 702-374-3735
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) February 12, 2019
The eccentric and controversial Canseco, who has a long history of making wild and outlandish comments on Twitter, said he was launching a “Bigfoot and alien Excursion,” listing a phone number for contact.
However, the trip does appear to be real, according to the Las Vegas Review-Journal. The news outlet spoke to Canseco’s manager and girlfriend Morgan Strelow, who said that the trip was a real thing and would be limited “to five lucky individuals” for the low, low price of $5,000.
And you thought it was weird when he was banging Madonna.
Thar She Blow(s)-mance of the Week
Sold: A Stuffed Whale Penis for $6,000
EVERYONE HAS A PRICE, SO they say—and as it turns out, so does everything. A taxidermied sperm whale penis from the late 19th century? That’ll set you back nearly $6,000, according to the precedent set by yesterday’s second annual “Out of the Ordinary” auction at Sworders in the United Kingdom.
Mark Wilkinson, a specialist at Sworders, says he was very excited when this item was consigned to the auction house by a private collector, who had it for about 20 years. “It’s basically the height of myself,” Wilkinson says. At 167 centimeters, it’s nearly five-and-a-half feet long, and nearly one foot wide at its thickest part. Luckily, it’s not so heavy—just 18 pounds—allowing Wilkinson to pose comfortably for a once-in-a-lifetime photo op. “You can see that I’m not struggling with the weight,” he says, relieved.
Now we know why they call ’em sperm whales. If only someone could explain the titmouse. Maybe this will help:
No-mance of the Week
Bride slammed for not asking best friend to be in wedding – because of her boobs
Following some thought, she decided not to ask one of her closest friends to be a bridesmaid – and it’s all because of the size of the woman’s boobs.
“Erin has MASSIVE breasts. Literally bigger than should be physiologically possible because she has a hormone disorder that caused her breasts to grow to an excessive degree.”
Bridezilla vs. Boobzilla would be a great movie. Or perhaps this:
Quadro-mance of the Week
Designer, 23, left with ‘FOUR breasts’ after £4k boob job left her deformed
ESPERATE for a fuller bust Jacqueline Harvey spent her life savings on a boob job.
But the 23-year-old was left distraught after the “botched” op left her with malformed, “double bubble” boobs.
Yes, there are pictures and no, it’s not awesome.
Doe-mance of the Week
Deadly ‘zombie’ deer disease could possibly spread to humans, experts warn
A deadly disease that has affected the deer population in an estimated 24 states and two Canadian provinces could eventually spread to and infect humans, experts warn.
Speaking at the Minnesota State Capitol last week, experts from the University of Minnesota told lawmakers of the dangers of Chronic Wasting Disease (CWD), or what the U.S. Geological Survey describes as a “ fatal, neurological illness occurring in North American cervids (members of the deer family), including white-tailed deer, mule deer, elk, and moose.”
CWD was first detected in a captive deer in the late 1960s, the CDC said. Symptoms of the disease include drooling, stumbling, lack of coordination, lack of fear of people, aggression, and listlessness — which explains the “zombie” deer disease nickname.
I guess I must have this disease already because I have those symptoms after a few (12) beers.
Gotta Go-mance of the Week
‘Bomb threat’ was a warning from man needing to poop at Home Depot, Kansas cops report
Officers were called to the home improvement store at about 12:15 p.m. Monday for a reported bomb threat, the report states. When police got there, an employee said he was “standing at the urinal” when a man came out of a bathroom stall and said, “Somebody told me there’s a bomb in the building, you need to leave the building,” the report states.
The man reported to police that he was in the bathroom stall when he heard another man announce something along the lines of, “You all need to get out of here because I’m fixin to blow it up.”
The man said that he and another person laughed because they understood the warning. He said they understood the man “was in a serious need to defecate, and that he was attempting to provide a polite warning to the other patrons of the bathroom,” an officer wrote.
Yo-mance of the Week
Old Bridge Woman Gives Both Middle Fingers In Defiant Mugshot
An Old Bridge woman is charged with breaking into multiple Spotswood cars, and her mugshot released by Spotswood police will likely go down as one of the greatest — and most defiant — of all time.
Wait, it wasn’t meth? That is a WTF?
Actually, the real WTF this week is no Florida Man headlines. If anyone can make Valentine’s Day special it’s Florida Man. Wait a second, he just came through for us:
Flo-Mance of the Week
Two arrested for having sex in public near children’s parade in Fort Myers
Police arrested a pair of homeless people for having intercourse in public near a children’s parade Sunday.
47-year-old Bernadette Colatarci and 58-year-old Phillip Daley are charged with Lewd and Lascivious Behavior, and it’s not their first time.
Responding officers arrived to Main Street just east of the Fountain Intersection and found the couple lying down on the sidewalk with their genitals exposed and the man “thrusting his hips”.
The officers ordered them to stop and put their clothes back on. Colatarci denied they were having sex and claimed they were just “dry humping”.
During the booking process, Daley claimed that he and Colatarci liked having “sexy sexy”, and didn’t believe what they were doing was wrong.
Both suspects have extensive arrest histories, with Daley being arrested 8 times in 2018 and Colatarci 11 times that same year. That includes an arrest in September 2018 for also having sex in broad daylight near downtown.
According to the picture, this wasn’t as “sexy sexy” as Florida Man would have us believe.
