Democrats usually drive the WTF? but this week they were the recipients of a solid WTFing when AG Bill Barr informed them that not only didn’t Trump collude with the Russians but also that he is investigating the Obama administration for illegally spying on the President. Here’s some other surprising and hilarious WTF? moments of the week:
Headline of the Week
Chaos at Walmart as woman performs karate, son exposes himself, dog steals food, police say
…officers responded to a call that a woman, Lisa Smith, 46, and her dog “Bo” shoplifted items from the store. The woman’s son, 26-year-old Benny Vann, was causing chaos in the store as well.
Police learned that Smith came into the shop with Bo unleashed, with the dog immediately running off towards customers while the woman was pulling apart displays in the store and placing them in her cart.
After being told to leave the store, the woman began showing off her karate moves in the parking lot to fend off police officers.
The dog tried to flee the crime scene, albeit unsuccessfully, with a box of Jiffy Cornbread Muffin Mix in his mouth.
After a brief fight with the officers, Smith was arrested. As a last-ditch attempt, she tried to kick a window out of a police car.
Her raucous son, meanwhile, was getting fully naked and began exposing himself to other customers at the store.
This happened in Wisconsin, not Florida. How can that be? Also, this Karate Kid sequel sounds kick ass.
Boney Pony of the Month
Man who can’t stop masturbating over horses caught twice in 24 hours
A man with a ‘long, long history’ of pleasuring himself in front of horses has been jailed for re-offending twice, just hours after being released.
Malcolm Downes, 61, said he had been planning to see his doctor for libido suppressing drugs but instead went to a field after being freed from prison.
Prosecutor Neil Coxon said it ‘soon became clear he was in fact masturbating’.
He added: ‘This activity went on for three or four minutes. His penis was exposed for about 10 minutes.’
During a police interview he told detectives: ‘I was sat on a bench. I was feeling sexy so I started to…’
Downes told them he knew what he was doing was wrong but didn’t do it to draw attention to himself.
He was released on bail but within 24 hours he was spotted by an off-duty police officer at the same field, again masturbating. He admitted that he had a problem but got a thrill out of it.
This Horse Whisperer sequel sounds delightful.
Pussy of the Week
Groundbreaking bionic vagina going WORLDWIDE with ‘strong new model’ for millions of women
Dr Alexander Seifalian, who created the first synthetic trachea to be transplanted into a patient, is carrying out the bombshell research in London.
He is developing an artificial vagina made from synthetic or biological material and a patient’s own cells.
It is set to benefit women with conditions like Mayer–Rokitansky–Küster-Hauser (MRKH) syndrome, in which the vagina does not fully develop.
When the vaginas become self-aware, humanity is doomed. Also, this Terminator sequel sounds terrifying.
Dick of the Week
NJ MAN WHO KILLED FAMILY OVER PENIS SIZE IS SENTENCED TO DIE IN PRISON
A man who killed his wife and her infant after he says the woman belittled his manhood has been sentenced to life in prison.
Prosecutors said Carrillo-Santiago strangled Neidy Ramirez and suffocated her three-month old child, Genesis Ramirez, at their Vineland apartment, then dumped their bodies at a Cumberland game preserve in Fairfield.
Carrillo-Santiago’s lawyer argued at trial that the woman’s taunts about seeing another man who was better endowed than Carrillo-Santiago pushed him into a rage.
If Roid-rage can’t be used as a defense small-wang-rage definitely won’t work.
Balls of the Week
Showy primates have smaller testicles
Well-adorned or well-endowed – but not both. Evolutionary biologists at the University of Zurich have for the first time demonstrated that male primates either have large testicles or showy ornaments. Developing both at the same time may simply take too much energy.
Male primates are highly competitive, especially about one thing: fathering offspring. To maximize their chances of passing on their genes, males of many primate species invest heavily in various sexual traits, such as a large body size, or long canines that can serve as weapons in direct contests over mates. What’s more, showy sexual ornaments such as manes, beards, fleshy swellings, and colorful skin patches can help them intimidate rivals and woo females. And if males can’t keep other males off their females, they will try to outcompete them at the level of sperm. By swamping the sperm of others, they can increase their chances of fertilization. But producing a lot of sperm requires large testicles.
Trump is right, it’s time to drain the swamp.
Nuts of the Week
Dad repeatedly stabbed in testicles in front of kids after confronting ‘scallies’
A dad was left with horrific injuries after being repeatedly stabbed in the testicles – because he confronted “scallies” outside his home.
Witnesses said his home was turned into a “bloodbath” as a result of the attack, which happened in front of his young children.
The man, in his 40s, refused to talk to police in the aftermath…
Is “scallies” British slang for “testicle stabbers”? If so, that would explain a lot.
Gourmand of the Week
Florida man arrested after aggressively eating handfuls of pasta
A shirtless alleged drunk was arrested outside a Naples, Fla., Olive Garden last week after customers complained he was sitting on a bench and shoving handfuls of pasta into his mouth.
Ben Padgett, 32, was charged last Sunday with disorderly intoxication and resisting an officer…
His erratic behavior first reached the boiling point when he threatened to beat up an employee — who he’d bizarrely asked whether “he had male or female sex organs,” cops alleged.
Once outside, Padgett allegedly began “muttering obscenities” and begging for change — all in between handfuls of pasta.
What are you in for? Eating pasta.
Oil Spill of the Week
Doctors in the south Pacific nation of Papua New Guinea warned that botched penis enlargements have become a “nationwide problem” as men increasingly turn to DIY procedures…
The hype has driven men to inject substances like coconut oil, cooking oil, and silicone into their genitalia. The effects can be serious, and sometimes irreversible, doctors say.
“The bulk of them have abnormal, lumpy masses growing over the penis and sometimes involving the scrotum. A good number are coming in with ulcers; they eventually burst open,” [said surgeon Akule Danlop]
“Some of them have difficulty urinating because the foreskin is so swollen it cannot contract.”
So injecting coconut oil into your penis turns your scrotum into an exploding coconut? Science is amazing. I understand Bill Clinton is experimenting with injecting his penis with rapeseed oil.
Gas Leak of the Week
How farts can ‘backfire’ and come out of your MOUTH
Professor Clare Collins, a nutrition and dietetics expert at the University of Newcastle, has written a fascinating account of the medical fact behind bottom burps.
And, most importantly, the farts that never quite make it into the world.
“Trying to hold it in leads to a build up of pressure and major discomfort.”
“A build up of intestinal gas can trigger abdominal distension, with some gas reabsorbed into the circulation and exhaled in your breath.”
If that were not a good enough reason to let one go when nature tells you to, then here’s another: “Holding on too long means the build up of intestinal gas will eventually escape via an uncontrollable fart.”
There’s also some research to suggest that stifling a squeaker could lead to diverticulitis, a painful condition where small pouches develop in the gut lining and become inflamed.
Let ‘er rip, tater chip.
Anatomy Fail of the Week
Doctor accused of touching patient’s penis during ankle exam
A Pennsylvania doctor has been charged with indecent assault after police say he inappropriately touched a male patient while treating his ankle injury.
Dr. William Vollmar, 56, was charged Wednesday after an incident that occurred March 14 at a sports medicine clinic in Quarryville.
According to police, the victim said he texted Vollmar to arrange an after-hours appointment to treat his injured ankle. He and Vollmar met at about 7:30 p.m. at the clinic and went into an exam room, where Vollmar began checking the victim’s ankle. After about 5-10 minutes, the victim reported, Vollmar asked the victim if he wanted to be “worked on,” which he understood to mean chiropractic work and soft-tissue massage on his back, neck, shoulders, legs, and hips.
During the massage, the victim told police, the victim was undressed, wearing a towel over his genital area. Toward the end of the the massage, the victim said, Vollmar asked, “Do you trust me?”
After the victim said he did, and Vollmar began touching his genitals, the victim said.
Nobody misses an ankle by that much.
WTF? of the Week
I spy… pic.twitter.com/5KEpqgbA
— Barack Obama (@BarackObama) February 15, 2013
Obama was trying to tell us all along he was illegally spying on us.
