There are now 18 democrats running for president in 2020 and collectively they couldn’t beat Donald Trump with an electrified Trump-defeating machine, which is either sad or hilarious depending on your perspective. Okay, it’s hilarious and equally as funny are the nicknames some of these candidates have picked up through their sheer ridiculousness. Still, there are many candidates that don’t have a great nickname yet, so Def-Con News needs your help coming up with some.
Most of the big dogs in the 2020 democratic field have earned themselves a nickname:
Bernie Sanders – “Comrade Bernie” Sanders is a communist sympathizer so it stands to reason that he’s called “comrade.” I still think there’s a better nickname out there for him, but this will do for now.
Kamala Harris – “Cameltoe Harris” Not only did she sleep her way into politics, her raging hypocrisy and lies are as unsightly as a vaginal wedgie. “Cameltoe” fits her perfectly.
Elizabeth Warren – “Fauxcahontas” Warren lied about having Native American heritage to further her career and refuses to give up that lie despite overwhelming evidence. Alternatively, she can also be called “Pocahontas” and “Lieawatha.”
Robert Francis O’Rourke – “Beta O’Dork” Like Warren, O’Rourke has gone the cultural appropriation route and wants people to think his white ass is Hispanic by calling himself “Beto.” He is a slacker beta male and a hipster dork, so “Beta O’Dork” is fitting.
Cory Booker – “Spartacus” During the Brett Kavanaugh hearings, Booker released some material he claimed was forbidden but wasn’t and then proclaimed it was his “Spartacus moment.” He wanted that nickname and he got it.
Kirsten Gillibrand – “Kirsten Gilliblonde” I’ve taken to calling her this because she’s dumb and blonde. I know that not all blonde women are dumb, but she sure as shit is.
Eric Swalwell – “Duke Nukem” Swalwell wants to disarm the American people and has threatened to nuke anyone who doesn’t comply. This is a natural fit.
But these chumps definitely need some help:
Pete Buttigeig – The 12-year-old looking mayor of South Bend, Indiana is gay and has the word “butt” in his last name. I feel like there’s something good here, I just can’t find it. Maybe “Butt Bender.”
Amy Klobuchar – The Minnesota Senator is famous for being a giant bitch to her staff and throwing things at them. Perhaps she could be known as Amy “Clobber Char.”
Andrew Yang – The businessman long shot is against circumcision so obviously he’s “Andrew Wang” but most people probably wouldn’t realize that is a nickname.
Julián Castro – Obama’s former HUD secretary is a socialist like most of the 2020 dems and he already has the name so he can be “Fidel.”
Jay Inslee – Who? How about “Jay Outslee” because he’s already lost.
Tulsi Gabbard – I got nothing for Rep. Gabbard. She’s a big fan of Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad so maybe something with chemical weapons. “Chemical Tulsi” as a play on Saddam Hussein’s cousin “Chemical Ali?”
John Hickenlooper – “Lickin’ Pooper” “Chicken Scooper” “Kickin’ Stupor” “Sicken Duper.” I could go on all day with the former governor of Colorado. As a side note, on the show Futurama the mayor of New New York was named “Poopenmeyer” and that always reminded me of John Hickenlooper.
John Delaney – Next.
Tim Ryan – Next.
Wayne Messam – Who are these people?
Marianne Williamson – No seriously, who the hell are these people?
And then there’s a few more who still haven’t officially announced their candidacy, but are almost certainly running:
Joe Biden – The former VP is insane and uncomfortably touchy feely so he’s more than earned “Crazy Joe” and “Creepy Uncle Joe.” There’s also “Shotgun Joe” because he told people to fire their shotguns in the air to scare away burglars. Actually, you can pretty much put any word in front of “Joe” and it’ll fit: “Hair Plug” Joe, “Pedophile” Joe, “How About No?” Joe, etc…
Stacey Abrams – The failed Georgia candidate for governor still hasn’t conceded an election she lost almost 6 months ago. She both proclaims that there was voter suppression and a record voter turn out so all I can come up with is “Spacey Abrams.” I know that’s lame, but so is she.
Steve Bullock – Never mind the Bullock, here’s two dozen other democrats people have actually heard of. Who got the Sex Pistols reference?
Seth Moulton – Anonymous drone #6.
Micheal Bennet – The Colorado Senator says he will run for president if he can’t beat his cancer diagnosis. I’m not a horrible liberal, so I don’t feel like making fun of this guy.
Terry MacAuliffe – The former Virginia governor may be the only democrat from the state who doesn’t have a blackface controversy going so he should promote himself as Terry “Whiteface” MacAuliffe or “Terry MacAllWhite.”
Bill de Blasio – The NYC mayor is a blowhard jackass who is objectionable on so many levels that the only thing I can think of is “Bill de Gofuckyourself.” Either that or Bill “The Groundhog Slayer” de Blasio.
President Trump is awesome at coming up with nicknames for silly democrats, but he has a country to run and with so many candidates in the field he doesn’t have time to dole these things out to everyone. Hopefully Def-Con readers can help out and give these 2020 democrats the proper respect they deserve.
