The WTF? this week was kind of WTFed. Jim Acosta praised President Trump’s D-Day memorial speech and Amy Klobuchar debunked a liberal Trump conspiracy theory. I don’t know if it was Opposite Week or what, but here’s some more stuff that defies reality:
Headline of the Week
Couple’s fight over Big Red cola gets man hit in the head with metal pipe
Wichita Falls police arrested a woman and charged her with aggravated assault family violence after she reportedly took a few swings at her boyfriend over an argument involving a Big Red soft drink.
Responding to a call in the 200 block of E. Wichita, officers spoke with a witness who told officers that her dad’s girlfriend had struck him in the head with a metal pipe over an argument about a half-empty Big Red soft drink that needed to be thrown away.
Officers spoke with the victim, who told them that he and his live-in girlfriend had gotten into the argument about the half-finished soda when Sanders went into the victim’s room and began beating on the walls and destroying the room.
Not wanting his room to be destroyed, the victim pushed upon the unlocked room door to find the suspect swinging a white metal pipe at him. The victim stepped back a couple of times before being struck in the head with the pipe. The victim told the officer that Sanders kept swinging the pipe, striking him again on his right hand.
Meh, I’ve seen better fights over stupider crap. Like this:
Poor Sports of the Week
Police records claim argument during a cornhole game led to deadly north side shooting
The violence took place late Tuesday on east 82nd street just a few blocks east of the Keystone Fashion Mall.
Police say an argument outside Drake’s led to gunfire that claimed the life of Jason Frazier.
Court records claim the suspect Jean Eyongegbe and a friend walked by and said something insulting to one of Frazier’s three friends who were playing a game of cornhole.
The affidavit claims in response one of Fraziers friends, “Threw one of the cornhole bags… then exchanged words” with the suspect and his friend.
At first both sides walked away, but after sitting in their car for a few minutes, police say Eyongegbe and his friend decided to get out and fight Frazier’s friend.
During that fight, Eyongegbe allegedly confessed to police “Frazier continued towards him and he shot Frazier one time.”
You have to know that a corn hole argument will eventually lead to a discharge.
Landscaper of the Week
Teen welcomes Trump to the UK by mowing a giant penis into his lawn
With Trump visiting London on Monday to hobnob with the queen, one industrious, climate-minded teen decided he knew just how he wanted to welcome the president: with a giant penis.
The teen, 18-year-old Ollie Nancarrow,… spent the past weekend mowing the grass dick and accompanying message into his yard, with his parent’s permission. His family happens to live under the flightpath of London’s Stansted Airport, where Trump arrived on Monday morning for his visit.
He told the BS Independent, “Donald Trump and his denial of climate change are not welcome and I want him to be fully aware of that when he flies in to Stansted on Monday.”
Whether or not Trump actually saw the grass dick isn’t known, yet, but, yeah, that’s one giant lawn cock.
Sick burn, bro. There’s nothing more insulting than implying a man has a huge penis.
Recycler of the Week
Hawkins County man accused of swallowing bag that fell from ‘buttocks region’
A Hawkins County man was charged after authorities said he swallowed a small bag containing a white substance which fell from his “buttocks region” while an officer performed a strip search in the county jail.
Police said a needle also fell from the region was recovered and photographed for evidence before it was discarded.
Timothy Avery Clay Williams, 40, of Bulls Gap, was charged with tampering with evidence and possession of drug paraphernalia.
ATM doesn’t just stand for Automated Teller Machine. I have a feeling this guy will being doing more “ass to mouth” behind bars than he cares for.
Quotes of the Week
“First, they smacked a patient around the head with some salami.”
‘Testicle soup was absolutely delicious’
“[Toby] Maguire, she said, requested she bark like a seal for a $1,000 tip.”
“The best way to describe Joe DiMaggio is he was a penis with a man hanging from it,” he said.
Define “best.”
Understatement of the Week
Pennsylvania woman claims Golden Corral kicked her out for dressing ‘too provocatively’
Sueretta Emke said she was dining with her family at a Golden Corral in Erie, Pa. when a manager said her crop top was too inappropriate and some customers had complained. Asked what was inappropriate about her outfit, Emke said the manager couldn’t answer.
Emke [said] that the manager’s request probably had more to do with her not being thin, “so it’s not considered sexy.” She said she had seen “people in there wearing less and nothing is said to them.”
“How can you not have a dress code but then make one up for certain customers if another customer complains? That’s not ok. It is discrimination,” Emke said. “And if you are okay with that, where are you going to draw the line?”
We draw the line here. Right f*cking here!
Asian Food of the Week
Hungover man ‘has penis BITTEN by wife who was furious he wouldn’t come down for breakfast’
She had called out to her husband, Ly Leap, 38, to have some food at their home in Siem Reap, Cambodia, on Saturday morning.
But her husband was suffering with a bad hangover, and ignored three calls from his wife, while trying to go back to sleep.
His angry wife stormed into his room and tried to drag him out of bed, causing a furious argument.
Ly is alleged to have then chomped on his wife’s ear, which caused her to retaliate by plunging her teeth into his penis.
She then bit his right testicle, causing severe bleeding, prompting howls of pain from him, say local media.
It’s an “eye for an eye” not a penis for an ear.
Dick of the Week
Man accused of sex with cat now faces charges of luring a minor for sex in Mesa
The Mesa man facing charges of bestiality for trying to have sex with a cat earlier this year is facing new charges – luring a minor for sex, attempted sexual contact with a minor, and drug possession.
Mesa police officers arrested Michael Navage, 40, after he allegedly contacted a 14-year-old girl online for the express purpose of having sex with her. The 14-year-old in question turned out to be an undercover detective who set up “a profile on a social media site know for casual encounters with adults,”
Too bad they didn’t have an undercover kitty, like maybe this woman:
Pussy of the Week
Woman accused of killing cat, public nudity
A woman is facing multiple charges for allegedly killing a neighbor’s cat, walking into another neighbor’s home naked, breaking a third neighbor’s window and battery to an officer, according to court records.
Mishawaka Police investigated the alleged incidents that occurred on or near Tabitha Wiley’s home in the 700 block of E. 9th Street on May 30 and 31.
The first alleged incident happened on May 30 when Wiley went to her neighbor’s home across the street, opened the front door and entered the home. Wiley was nude and exposed herself to the neighbor’s 11-year-old child…
The next day, the same neighbor saw Wiley walking around her home with a knife. At one point he saw her walking towards another neighbor’s cat.
Later that day, police received complaints Wiley was walking around the outside of her home while naked.
Another officer spoke to the neighbor across the street and he showed the officer where he had seen Wiley with the knife.
The officer went to the area and found a deceased cat with a wound on its stomach and blood coming from its nose…
Both of these pussy-related incidents should be hate crimes. Speaking of which…
Hate Crime of the Week
Utah man allegedly hit girl, 11, with car then told her: ‘We all have to die sometime’
A 19-year-old Utah driver struck an 11-year-old girl on an electric scooter Friday, overturned the vehicle, then charged at her after the crash and said: “we all have to die sometime,” according to a witness…
The driver, identified as Steven Ray Becky, allegedly tried to flee the area, but a witness held him down until police arrived…Asked by investigators why he hit the girl, Becky allegedly said: “because she was white.”
Responding officers said the suspect’s attitude and statement to the girl led them to believe he’d intentionally hit her…Becky later admitted to being high on Xanax, marijuana, LSD and psychedelic mushrooms…
Yup, that’ll do it.
Shit Crime of the Week
Jennifer Chibuzo was left in shock when she went out to her bins to find a “fresh lump of faeces” on the floor next a soiled leaflet.
“I knew it wasn’t animal poo as it was so big.
The 35-year-old asked her neighbours if they had seen anything suspicious and she was pointed in the direction of security alarms company Verisure.
When Mrs Chibuzo rang to complain about the employee she was offered with a face to face apology and a promise to clear up the mess.
She said: “I didn’t want to have to meet the person who did that face to face. I felt a bit bad for them, as it’s embarrassing.
Faeces?
Vampires of the Week
Two women hospitalized for trying to end period with vacuum
Two women were hospitalized after using a vacuum to make their menstrual periods end sooner, according to new reports.
A Seattle nurse claimed the desperate women, ages 19 and 23, went into shock this week after attempting a dangerous, decades-old technique known as a menstrual extraction
“Ladies… Please stop using your vacuum hose to end your period early,” the nurse tweeted, before switching her account to private. “You’re gonna wind up sucking out a lot more than blood! There were 2 cases of this so far this week and both women had to be admitted. Just… STOP!”
“I don’t know if it was Eureka, Dyson, Hoover or some Walmart brand, but yes an actual vacuum cleaner,” she added.
Sucks to be you.
WTF? of the Week
Longtime Linden minister used oral sex in exorcism ritual, men claim
A Presbyterian minister, who said he was following the Bible, used Native American exorcism rituals, gemstones and even oral sex to extract “evil spirits” from men undergoing crises in their lives, the church and men claim.
Every meeting with Weaver began the same way, Meeker said. The minister told him to undress completely and lie on the bed. Then he placed an angel coin — a coin with an angel or saint printed on it used for praying — on Meeker’s forehead and wrapped a magnetic strip around his head to keep it in place.
Weaver then would place a series of stones on both of Meeker’s feet his hands and on the left side and right side of his chest.
“I was told that for him to get everything out me, I needed to lay completely still to not move the stones on my feet,” Meeker said in the impact statement. “He would then take out the feather and scan my body from my neck to my stomach.”
Weaver then opened Meeker’s mouth, placed his own mouth on top of Meeker’s mouth, and moved his tongue around “to see if I had anything in my mouth or throat,” Meeker wrote.
Then the interaction became sexual, with Weaver engaging in oral sex, according to Meeker.
“He would then ingest my ejaculate and then would spit up multiple pieces of plastic or metal into a Ziploc bag,” Meeker stated.
Still not as weird as Scientology.
